by Lily White
It’s in the way he won’t let go and I refuse to hold on.
The first time we ever touched each other, we said it all.
And now we have to say the one word we’ve never spoken. The one word we’ve been avoiding all along.
Goodbye...
With a heavy exhalation, Ezra climbs off the bike, hooks his pinky finger with mine and tugs me along behind him.
Dropping to sit on the sand, he pulls me down to sit on his lap, my legs straddling his waist, my arms hooking around his shoulders as we cling to each other with desperate hands.
I hear a sigh of relief blow over his lips, his muscles relaxing just to hold me. Minutes pass silently, neither of us moving or saying a word.
We don’t have to talk.
We just know.
What the other is thinking.
What we’re feeling.
“I’m sorry,” he finally says, not moving to look at me, those two words spoken into the side of my neck, his lips brushing my skin.
“I know.”
“We can’t keep going like this, Em.”
My eyes clench shut, the tears I always cry for him returning.
“I know.”
More silence and then his next words come out in a pained breath.
“Fuck, killer, what have you done to me? I can’t let go.”
I feel that pain bone deep. The same frustration. The clawing desperation.
Rather than answering, I hold him tighter, his body so tense, he’s shaking.
Neither of us intended to end up here, and I have to wonder what would have come from this if circumstances were different?
If Damon hadn’t loved me.
If I hadn’t betrayed them with that video.
If I wasn’t engaged to Mason.
If the twins hadn’t been abused for so long that they never learned anything else.
Would I have spent the last ten years knowing what it felt like to be free to love this man?
More importantly, if he’d had me, would he have learned how to forgive himself?
“I love you,” I whisper because it’s the only thing I know to say. The truest, most basic statement I can make.
Ezra shudders to hear it, just a quick spasm through his body before he pulls away enough to cup my face with his hands and capture my eyes with his.
“I know,” he whispers in response.
This.
This right here is the breaking point.
Step onto the field, or walk away entirely.
I choose to be strong.
“We have to stop after tonight. This has to be the last time we see each other. This needs to end, Ezra. For good.”
His eyes search mine, and I can see the argument behind them, can hear the denial and can feel the fight he’s preparing to give.
It’s right there just at the surface, a hundred thoughts swirling, an entire ocean of sorrow drowning us both.
And while I’m willing to sink, to stop kicking my feet to break the surface, he’s planning to drag me along behind him as he struggles to breathe.
It’s all right there written clearly across his expression.
“Maybe if we just-“
I press my palm to his cheek and die a small death when he leans his face into it and closes his eyes, whatever he was going to say silenced and lost.
“A few hours,” he begs. “Just twenty-four. Give us that.”
“Twenty-four hours of what? A lie?”
His eyes open, and yes. That’s exactly what he wants.
Teasing me, Ezra pulls his face away and then snaps his teeth at my hand, a charming smile stretching his lips so wide that damn dimple appears.
I can’t help but smile back.
“Give us that,” he says on a heavy breath.
Cocking a brow, I suspect he’s attempting to buy time to drag me on the battlefield.
“And what will we do in those hours? Fight? Insult each other? Accuse each other of horrible things?”
A quick shake of his head.
“Wasn’t planning on any of that.”
“Then what-“
He lunges forward and has me on my back before I can finish the question, a small shriek tearing from my lips.
When his eyes drop to study my mouth, I know exactly what’s on his mind. Sadly, it won’t fix anything.
“I’m still mad at you for using sex against me at the cabin.”
He cocks a brow at that, but his stare doesn’t move from my lips.
“I said I’m sorry.”
When Ezra rocks his hips between my legs, I can’t help the heat spreading through me. He’s addictive, this man. And toxic.
“So you want to fuck for twenty-four hours?”
His grin stretches wider, his beautiful eyes flicking up to mine.
“It’s not a bad plan, but no.”
I sigh, the strength draining out of me that I have to wrestle back.
With one look, Ezra can disarm me, make me forget. If I could climb inside him and fix all the broken parts, I would. But it’s something he needs to fix on his own.
Wiggling to pull away, I shoot him a look when his hands tighten down on me, but he lets me go, both of us straightening up to sit facing each other.
“What would twenty-four hours give us? I mean, really? No matter what we do, or what we say, we end up in the same place.”
Something unsaid rolls through his expression. Pain, maybe. Anger.
Maybe there is no word for it.
No, wait. There is.
Defeat.
The only question is whether he can accept it this time, or if he’ll fight.
There’s no question in my mind that Ezra would destroy everything in his path if he thought it would lead us to the end he wants.
He’s so strong. Not just in body, but in mind and heart. It’s fair to say he’s stubborn to a fault. But he’s also Violence, the name he carries in the group so right for him that it hurts.
He would rather destroy the world - destroy himself - than admit he can’t have everything he wants.
Not that he wants bad things.
It’s fair to love a person and want them.
It’s fair to want to protect the people you love.
But what’s not fair is the belief you have to carry the responsibility for everything on your shoulders alone.
He surprises me when he finally says the one word neither of us have yet spoken.
“It gives us time to say goodbye. Without fighting. Without insults or accusations.” He laughs, the sound so sad it breaks my heart. “I wasted the last six weeks attacking you. Hurting you. Feeling hurt by you.”
Gritting his teeth, he stabs a hand through his hair.
“Fuck, I’m not good at this, but you know what I mean.”
Yeah, I do. And honestly I’m a little surprised to hear him admit it.
“What led you to that conclusion?”
Another grin, so boyish that I want to reach out and smooth away the frustration wrinkling his skin.
“A family meeting.”
“A what?”
“That’s what we call it when all the guys get together. Anyway, Gabe was getting Ivy under control and -“
Instantly, I’m on the defensive. Ivy might be strong, but she’s still my best friend.
“What was he doing to her?”
He laughs.
“Easy, killer. It’s fine. No need to go psycho on Gabe. They worked it out.”
I relax, but only slightly.
Making a mental note to call Ivy, I ask, “And that led you to this how?”
He shakes his head, the frustration even more pronounced now.
Pushing to his feet with a growl, Ezra paces. I recognize he needs to release the energy, that just touching on how he feels drives him to this point.
There’s nothing here for him to hit. No barrier to break down. It’s just simple truth while facing a part of himself he’d rather avoid.
I guess this is
what happens when the cold anger melts. The ice is gone, and all that’s left is the fury.
“It wasn’t the meeting itself, it was just seeing how Gabe gets Ivy and Tanner gets Luca. And what do I get?” His eyes snap my direction. “Nothing. I certainly don’t get you.”
The tone of his voice stabs at my heart, but I hold strong, remembering all the reasons this has to happen.
“And that’s what led you to realize you’ve been a complete ass these past six weeks?”
He grins at that, both hands driving through his hair as he stops to look at me.
“No. That was because a few people told me I’ve been a complete ass. And I think they’re right.”
“They are right,” I say with laughter in my voice. “So why did you just now realize it?”
“Because I want what Gabe and Tanner have. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Just like there was nothing I could do about what happened to Damon and me. Just like there’s nothing I can do about your engagement to Mason or how Damon feels about you. Just like there was nothing I could do after you fucked us over in high school and we left. I can’t do anything. About any of it!”
Swallowing down the knot in my throat and ignoring the way he’s yelling now, I agree with him.
“No. You can’t. Which is why this has to happen.”
It’s killing me to watch him admit this. To witness him finally seeing the truth of what makes him so angry.
“There has to be something I can do,” he begs.
I shake my head, those damn tears returning.
“There isn’t. There never has been.”
“Why?” he roars before cursing under his breath and turning away from me.
He’s falling apart in front of my eyes. Fighting himself. His violence turned inward. And although I want to go to him and soothe that pain, I know it won’t solve anything.
I’m part of that pain.
I’m part of what he needs to tear away in order to make peace with his life.
Ezra will never shed the first tear about any of this. But that’s all right. I’ll cry for him. For us. For Damon. For all the barriers that we’ll never be able to cross.
“Damn it, Emily.” He turns to face me. “Why is everything so screwed up?”
“I don’t know.”
He marches toward me and drops to his knees, the sand kicking up around his legs as he cups my face and uses his thumbs to wipe away my tears.
“I want twenty-four hours to pretend like none of that stuff matters. Just one fucking day to know what it feels like to have you. Just one.”
“It won’t fix anything.”
“I know,” he argues, “but I want it anyway.”
Scooting closer to me, Ezra pulls me to my knees, both of us in the same position, like we’re begging each other, begging the world, begging the universe to just let us be together.
“Just one day, Em.” His voice wavers when he says, “Please.”
Damn it.
He’s winning.
With every word, I’m losing the battle. I’m being dragged into his fight, my feet unable to stay firm on my side of the line.
His thumb sweeps over my mouth. “Please?”
I should say no. I shouldn’t encourage him. But I find myself falling off that cliff again, all while knowing we’ll never hit bottom.
“Okay, Ezra. One day. But you can’t fight me when it’s time to go. You can’t demand more time.”
“Okay.”
“Promise me.”
His eyes lock to mine, the amber color so gorgeous against the line of his dark lashes.
“Promise me,” I demand again because I know he’s fighting it.
“I promise.”
I search his face for several seconds, but then nod my head. It feels like surrendering. Maybe it is, but we all deserve to have a few moments in our life when we can pretend the cards aren’t stacked against us.
Or in our case, a few hours.
“So what do you want to-“
His mouth is on mine before I can finish the question. Hot and demanding, the kiss is so raw that I fall victim to it.
There’s desperation in the way his lips move over mine, a fevered heat as his tongue dips inside my mouth to fill me with his taste.
This isn’t rushed, though. Slower, with the lazy sweep of his hand over the back of my neck, the strong grasp of his fingers. A quick tug and I’m tighter against him, his mouth exploring, his teeth teasing my lips with the threat to bite.
Is it wrong to love the pain he gives? Every form of it, even the type that stains my soul. I belong to him in more ways than he’ll ever understand, yet circumstance has made it where he has to believe he doesn’t get me.
The truth is that he’s always had me and always will, even if it’s not in the way we want.
“Let me take you home,” he whispers against my ear.
I laugh softly through the shiver that runs down my body from his warm breath against my neck.
“Can you do that without killing Dylan?”
He grins against my cheek.
“That depends. Does he plan on stepping up to me again?”
Actually, Dylan had been subdued all day. Quiet. He didn’t have friends over and wasn’t his usual pain in the ass self.
I would have asked him about it, but given his attitude with me over the last few months, I was worried it would just cause a fight.
“Let’s go,” I whisper, my voice so soft that it can barely be heard over the chorus of nocturnal creatures in the environment around us.
Ezra pushes to his feet and helps me up. After leading me to his bike, he makes a show of putting his helmet on me and ensuring the straps are tight. I hate that he doesn’t have a second one for himself, that he takes the risk while making sure I’m safe.
But that’s just like him.
Always watching out for everyone else.
The ride home is peaceful, and again I enjoy holding onto to him, my heart slowly being crushed by the constant thought that I won’t be able to hold on much longer.
This is the end.
Once time runs out, we walk away.
And while I know I’m strong enough to do it, I still worry about him.
But all those thoughts fly out the window when we get to my house.
Ezra and I spend the rest of the night and the early morning hours exploring each other, our bodies constantly entangled, the few hours of sleep we can manage interrupted by whispered conversations and sweaty, bone shattering orgasms.
By the time late morning rolls around, we’re quietly holding each other, eventuality tiptoeing toward us with each hour that passes.
The only problem I notice is that the closer it gets to when these hours are up, the more desperate he becomes.
That’s why I practically dive for my phone when Ivy calls late in the afternoon. Well, that and the fact Ezra told me she’s playing it off that she and Gabe are actually engaged in an effort to get information out of her father.
“How’s life being the future Mrs. Gabriel Dane?” I joke without bothering to say hello.
This entire situation is insanely strange, but I’m not surprised about it. It’s about damn time those two finally accept they want each other.
“Not so great,” she admits, the anger in her voice causing me to sit up straight. If Gabriel did something awful to her, I’ll murder him. “I need to be rescued.”
I laugh at that, only because it’s not the first time.
“From Gabriel’s or Tanner’s?”
“Ah, fuck,” Ezra mutters. “What did those jackasses do now?”
Ivy is quiet for a second, then asks, “Shit, is that Ezra?”
Sighing at that, I admit the truth. He shouldn’t be here, and yet here we are.
After a brief non-explanation as to what is going on, Ivy tells me where to meet her in an hour. I jump up from the bed to get dressed, my rushed movements sparking Ezra’s concern.
“What’s going on?�
��
I glance at him. “I need to pick up Ivy from her dad’s house.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
He sits up and drops his feet to the floor. “I’ll go with you.”
“Why?”
There’s concern in his eyes, and a cold temper.
“I don’t trust her dad, and with everything going on, I don’t want you over there by yourself.”
“I won’t be anywhere near him-“
“Don’t argue with me on this,” he says, already pulling his boots on and tying the laces. “Plus, I have a few hours left. So I’m going with you.”
Frustration rolls through me.
“Are you seriously going to hold me to the last minute?”
“Yes.”
The hard bite to his voice on that answer worries me. It doesn’t sound like someone who is letting go.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
I don’t have the time to argue with him, nor do I have the energy. He’s tapped me out of every bit of fight I have left to give. I’m like a damn boxer backed into their corner with both eyes swollen shut and my jaw broken. No, I’m not technically down for the count, but I might as well be.
“Whatever. Let’s just go.”
Forty minutes later, I watch Ivy run over to my car. I’m parked down the street where I used to pick her up every time she snuck out of the house.
After flashing me a wicked grin as she moves past to jump in back, she smacks her hand on the back of my seat and slams the door.
“We need to go. Like now. Foot on the gas and all that.”
“Why?” I ask, following her instructions and taking off. “Where are we going?”
“At this point, we just need to haul ass before my dad gets home and realizes what I did.”
“What did you-“
Ezra’s phone chirps, cutting me off. While he’s checking that, I’m rounding a corner far too fast and hauling ass away from her dad’s house.
“I need to find Gabriel,” Ivy explains. “Right now. He might be at Tanner’s.”
“He is,” Ezra says with a grumble. “They just texted me telling me to go there.”
“Perfect. Because Tanner is going to want to see this as well.”
“What is going on?” I ask, thoroughly confused by this entire situation.