by Lianne Oelke
I closed the door.
This hat needs to be burned, but AP has cameras on the porch. The damage may already be done.
ThuApr21
Tonight’s the night I face the youth group again. I could only put it off for so long. I’ve seen almost all of them in and out of school since it happened, but not all together. And not at church. Bonnie’s okay now, and I can deal with Tom’s refusal to acknowledge it ever happened, but no one else knows me that well. They probably assume nihilism is contagious and those infected with it should only be touched by a fifty-foot pole sanitized in holy water.
Either that, or they feel sorry for me.
I can’t stand pity at the best of times. But it’s so much messier when religious beliefs are involved. I wouldn’t be going if it weren’t for my parents, but a promise is a promise. They assume that because Carol is close with her youth group, I should be close with mine. I’m not. It’ll be weird. The kind of weird I’m used to by now but will never get used to completely.
I like the church best at night. Hiding under the grand piano, savoring the emptiness of the black sanctuary, and blending into shadows. I’m pretty good at hide-and-seek. I definitely prefer it to truth or dare. Truth or dare makes me nervous. Or at least the truth part does.
JS
Dare.
SARAH
Are you sure you want a dare? Or did you mean date? It’s just you and Tom in here . . .
Tom winked at me. One misplaced hand in a game of sardines two years ago, and I’ve never heard the end of it. And they wonder why I don’t open up more.
JS
Dare.
SARAH
All right. I dare you to sing a Beatles song from the balcony.
The balcony is where the hand incident happened.
JS
What song?
SARAH
“I Want to Hold Your . . . Hand.”
JS
Truth.
TOM
Too late for that now, Jane. You can’t take it back.
Tom can keep his dirty winks. They don’t get a rise out of me anymore. The parents were right—I do need more good Christian influences in my life.
Prayer circles are the worst. Somehow everyone assumes their prayers are only effective if their hands are touching some part of your body.
I know they mean well, but I don’t get it. Prayer is just words floating through a room. Prayer is saying, Yeah, we’ve got a problem here, but now that we’ve talked about it out loud, it’s in God’s hands and there’s not much else we can do about it. Thanks for coming, Jane. See you next week.
I stuck it out for the snacks at the end.
TOM
So, college already, Jane! Who knew you’d be leaving us in the dust so soon?
If I had left them in the dust, I wouldn’t have spent my Thursday night eating Timbits in a musty church basement. And if anyone will be leaving us in the dust, it’s Tom. He has a decent shot at becoming valedictorian this year. As Bonnie would say (wink, wink), we’ve watched him grow into a well-rounded young man over the years. As if the friendship we invested in a knobbly-kneed fourteen-year-old with cargo pants full of ketchup-stained Nintendo DSs has finally paid off.
JS
It’s not that spectacular. And it’s community college, not real college.
I could have told them about the show. But I’ve managed to keep my James Fowler life and my Elbow River life separate so far (other than Bonnie), and I don’t want to risk dragging the past into House of Orange. A clean slate doesn’t stay clean forever, but I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. Besides, Tom wouldn’t get it.
JS
I mean, the classes aren’t that different. I was expecting it to be harder.
TOM
That’s what she said.
It doesn’t matter how smart Tom is, he can still be the biggest idiot I know. Of course I don’t want him to make a big deal about it. But some acknowledgment that things have changed wouldn’t be uncalled for. I’ve been going to youth group for years, but somehow it’s only tonight that I finally feel too old for this.
BONNIE
Jane? You want to come outside with me?
Bonnie only says she’s “going outside” at youth group. Everywhere else she’s “going for a smoke.” Bonnie has her own reasons for not fitting in completely here, either. I followed her out, grateful for the escape.
She didn’t light up right away, so I knew she had something on her mind.
JS
What’s up?
BONNIE
What’s up with you, Jane? You seem . . . distant.
JS
I don’t know. I guess I’m not really feeling it tonight.
BONNIE
You used to love hide-and-seek.
Everyone always insists on telling me what I used to love, and they all think that if I just go back to loving the same things, we can all pretend the Event never happened. Too bad it doesn’t work that way. Once a kid discovers Santa isn’t real, reminding her how much she used to love Santa isn’t going to make her believe again.
JS
Relax. I’m not depressed again or anything. I just don’t fit in here anymore. I feel like I’m not on the same page.
BONNIE
I know you don’t see things the same way anymore. I get that. But everyone is still super stoked to see you tonight!
Even Bonnie sees what she wants to sometimes.
JS
You don’t understand. I don’t believe what everyone else does. I’m a fraud.
BONNIE
Oh, please. Half the youth group still can’t wrap their minds around a bisexual Christian, and the other half are only here for the donuts. You’re not the only person who struggles with what they believe in. So what if you’re confused?
Confusion is when your best friend converts to your lifelong faith, which by all accounts shouldn’t interest her, and you have no idea why she’s so much better at it than you are. So yes, I used to be confused. But that was Before. Now that we don’t share the same faith, whatever divine mysteries may or may not exist are for Bonnie. Not me.
JS
I’m not confused. I’m just not interested.
Bonnie has forgiven me for many things, not least the time in ninth grade when I told her bisexuality was a sin and she was probably going to hell for it. But that doesn’t stop me from cringing in the shower every now and then, paralyzed with the knowledge of what a little shit I used to be.
FriApr22
THE DOCTOR
So you’ve got your self-psychoanalysis paper due on Monday, eh?
JS
So it seems. I’m not making very good progress.
THE DOCTOR
So let’s start with what you’re feeling now. Or whatever.
JS
Wouldn’t it be nice, don’t you think, to not constantly compare everything you say and do to everything you’ve ever said and done and hope one day the good will outweigh the cringeworthy?
THE DOCTOR
I wouldn’t know.
JS
Because you’re not real.
THE DOCTOR
No. It’s because I have my shit together. Brilliant psychotherapists are never plagued with periodic bouts of self-loathing. You wouldn’t know.
JS
Oh.
THE DOCTOR
Just kidding; it’s because I’m not real.
SatApr23
The five of us spent the afternoon together, studying in the living room. We shared highlighters and complaints and three pots of coffee. Holly told us how Raj had found an apartment with three other chemistry students. All girls. She seemed to want affirmation that a guy moving in with three girls was not a good idea. I had nothing to say. Chaunt’Elle agreed with Holly while assuring her that Raj was too smart to get involved with anyone else. Holly’s cheeks turned their usual red as she buried her eyes in her textbook.
HOLLY
That’s not what I
meant.
ROBBIE
But didn’t Raj move in with three girls when he came here?
HOLLY
That was different.
ROBBIE
No.
HOLLY
Yes it was . . .
CHAUNT’ELLE
Raj obviously likes you, he always made you dinner, blah blah blahby blah.
MARC
I knew this girl who made me dinner once. At first I was all like, WTF, quinoa?! But then she lit a candle and I’m like, wait. Wait a second.
Suddenly the room was too small for everyone. I closed my eyes but couldn’t stop seeing the single gray hair sticking out behind Marc’s ear. I needed to get out. Maybe this is where I start to crack.
JS
Anyone want to go see a movie?
Robbie looked up.
ROBBIE
Do you have something in mind?
JS
There’s some psychological drama playing. I hear it’s pretty dark.
ROBBIE
Yeah, let’s go.
JS
Anyone else want to come with?
No one answered.
HOLLY
I have to study.
MARC
Sorry, that’s not my jam.
ROBBIE
Really?
MARC
Yeah. Not a fan of dark movies. Or drama.
I shrugged and turned to leave with Robbie, catching Chaunt’Elle’s eyes on my way out. She gave me a knowing look, and I did my best to dismiss it with my eyebrows but ended up blushing like Holly instead.
The movie was really weird and depressing. I liked it. But we didn’t get to see the ending because Robbie got a massive nosebleed. I waited for him outside the washroom to make sure he was okay. He emerged just as the audience began to trickle out of the theater. His face was red with scrubbing, and blood was splattered on his shirt and jacket. He said he was fine, it was just a random nosebleed. I believed him, because sometimes there are no reasons. Also the air was pretty dry.
JS
Are you hungry?
ROBBIE
No.
JS
Are you sure you don’t want to split a pizza or something?
ROBBIE
I should probably go back home.
JS
You’re just saying that because you’re feeling self-conscious.
ROBBIE
Yes.
His vanity was endearing but unnecessary. I took a long gulp of my Coke and dumped the remainder on my shirt. Thankfully I wasn’t wearing potentially see-through material because I really didn’t think it through.
JS
Now we can look stupid together. Let’s go.
The pizza was worth it.
SunApr24
I wasn’t prepared when Marc opened my fridge in front of me this afternoon.
MARC
Got anything good in here, Sinner?
I panicked. I threw my water at him. He swore.
MARC
What was that for?
JS
I tripped. I’m so sorry.
Marc swore again as he shook himself off and walked out. I toweled off the floor before making my own exit. A HOOcap asked for an interview right as I came out of the kitchen. I couldn’t tell if I had been caught red-handed or not, but I was embarrassed anyway. I wish my cheeks were more reliable in situations like this. He sat me down in the Elbow Room and pointed some lights at my face.
HOOCAP
So, Sinner.
JS
Yeah?
HOOCAP
I can call you Sinner, right?
JS
Yeah.
HOOCAP
Tell me about the movie last night.
JS
It was good, I guess.
HOOCAP
And Robbie? Did he have a good time?
JS
I guess.
The HOOcap shifted to the edge of his seat and leaned in until his face was two feet away from mine. He’d look decent enough if it weren’t for that ridiculous hat.
HOOCAP
You seem uncomfortable. Are you uncomfortable?
JS
(Yes.)
I’m all right.
HOOCAP
I noticed we seem to have less interview footage with you than with anyone else. Weird, hey?
JS
I guess.
He laughed.
HOOCAP
You’re not very talkative, are you?
JS
No.
The rest of the interview was just awkward.
MonApr25
This afternoon I found my first sociology assignment returned to my student mailbox. It was a silly thing, all about goal setting and organization and dreams. The prof should have filled one out herself, since it’s taken her more than three weeks to grade it. Got 6/10. Missed points on the career-planning section. Probably because the question asked where I saw myself in a year and I put “in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.” Robbie got 10/10.
ROBBIE
Why do you say things like that? It’s like you don’t want people to take you seriously.
JS
I don’t want people to take me seriously.
ROBBIE
But how will they know when you mean what you say?
JS
I don’t think that’s an issue.
ROBBIE
You can’t always rely on irony to avoid saying anything meaningful.
JS
What if I’m being ironic ironically?
ROBBIE
Are you?
JS
(Please like me.)
No.
Robbie ran his fingers through his thick hair. The girl sitting behind him noticed.
I wonder what he’d say if I told him the truth about me.
Text from Carol: Hey janie come over 2nite for supper k?
JS: What’s the occasion?
CAROL: Just want to see u. I’m making cake.
JS: Of course I’ll come. What time?
CAROL: Asap please.
I walked in to find a lumpy, misshapen brown substance covering Mom’s best serving platter.
JS
What’s that?
CAROL
My second attempt.
JS
Nice.
CAROL
Can you help me with the pasta? How long do I need to boil it?
JS
As long as it takes.
CAROL
But how long does it take?
JS