by Lianne Oelke
Tell me what happened on last night’s episode, Jane.
JS
Chaunt’Elle asked Marc if he wanted to go see a movie with her. Marc said no.
THE DOCTOR
Go on.
JS
Chaunt’Elle stood there and told him she liked him. You know. And she wanted to “see if it could go anywhere.”
THE DOCTOR
And what did Marc say?
JS
Marc told her to move because he couldn’t see the TV. He was watching Love It or List It.
THE DOCTOR
And how did she react?
JS
She cried! Haha.
THE DOCTOR
I think you have some suppressed resentment toward Chaunt’Elle. Did you feel happy when she cried?
JS
Yes. Astute observation, Dr. Freudenschade.
DR. FREUDENSCHADE
I want you to tell me why you don’t like Chaunt’Elle.
JS
I don’t know.
DFS
Does she remind you of someone? Think about it.
JS
. . .
. . .
. . .
DFS
Have you tried to like her?
JS
Yes.
DFS
Have you tried trying harder?
JS
No.
DFS
Okay. I want to do some free association. I’ll say something, and you tell me the first words that come into your head. Ready? Penciled-in eyebrows.
JS
Unnatural. Gross. Frozen burritos. Dinner. Burritos! Fridge. Burritos!
DFS
You’re not taking this seriously, are you.
JS
No, I am not.
DFS
We’ll try again another time.
FFAFFApr29
AP is out somewhere with his sister, and everyone is slacking off at the house. Chaunt’Elle and I played cards with two HOOcaps and Carol, who is staying over tonight. I told her a couple students might be filming me for some dumb school project, and she went along with it. I wanted to tell her more, but I can’t be sure she won’t slip up in front of the parents. I’m doing so well on my own, I don’t want to fuck it up just yet.
I already talked with AP about having Carol over. Because she’s underage and isn’t signing any releases, AP can’t show any footage of her online. Which meant we didn’t have to censor ourselves all night. I censored myself anyway. Technically I’m a minor too. Oops. At least I’ve done my paperwork.
After cards we watched old Disney movies in the living room. I cleaned up Marc’s empty beer cans beforehand, but I wondered if Carol might pick up on the smell and mention something to the parents. Then I realized I didn’t care. The kid might not even know what alcohol smells like anyway. It’s hard to tell how much she knows these days. Carol and Chaunt’Elle got along surprisingly well. They gossiped about boys and celebrities and TV shows while drinking chai tea and painting their nails flashy colors. Carol was delighted with everything. I have the feeling she’ll start doing her hair like Chaunt’Elle’s now, or, god forbid, her makeup. Carol tends to copy the style of girls she looks up to. Thankfully she doesn’t wear as much neon as Bonnie now. The world needs only so many lime-green sweaters.
I texted Robbie (still living with his curfew) throughout the evening to keep him company but had to stop when Chaunt’Elle painted my nails. Normally I turn my nose up at this sort of thing, but it made Carol happy.
CHAUNT’ELLE
What color do you want?
JS
All of them!
CAROL
[rolling her eyes]
Don’t be stupid.
JS
Most of them? A different color on each finger, at least.
They laughed at my poor taste.
SatApr30
Carol and I stayed up way too late last night, talking softly in my room.
CAROL
You don’t have to sleep on the floor. We can share the bed, if you want.
She grabbed my hand.
CAROL
I don’t mind.
JS
I’m not going anywhere.
Every now and then she worries that I’ll disappear, and the way she squeezes my hand hard enough to break my fingers breaks my heart instead.
All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl.
All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl.
I wanted to hang out with Robbie tonight, but he still has one more night to go. Technically I could have visited him in his room—AP didn’t say I couldn’t—but Robbie had to have his lights out by eight. It would have looked like something I didn’t want it to look like. So we chatted online instead. Robbie has been spending more time than usual on Facebook these days. I don’t blame him. He’s getting a bit restless though. I created a fan page for him on Facebook and got a bunch of people to like it. So at least he has some stupid viewer questions to keep him occupied, but I think he’s over it now. His latest status on his personal profile reads:
This status is a passive-aggressive plea for attention.
To which his mom commented: “oh Robbie, keep your spirits up! your father and I love you and are so proud! you will do great!” (I hit the LIKE button as soon as I saw it.)
His aunt commented underneath: youre right jasmeet, he will be fine. how are you doing by the way?
MOM: just fine thank you for asking! and yourself?
AUNT: cant complain. took the twins out for a bike ride around the park today. they are getting so big already!!
MOM: tell me about it
Message from Robbie: Moms and irony don’t mix.
JS: But moms and ironing do.
ROBBIE: I miss her though. Now and then.
JS: Understandable.
MAY
SunMay1
Raj was over at the house today, hanging out with Holly, flaunting his first piece of fan mail. It read:
I think you’re awesome. It sucks that you were the first voted out. Don’t worry about the other contestants, they’re all wizards. Let’s hang out.
I recognized Bonnie’s handwriting right away but didn’t tell Raj I knew her. She probably meant it, anyway. Chaunt’Elle complained that she hasn’t received anything yet, and I think it’s time to do something about that.
MonMay2
Chaunt’Elle’s shit hit the fan today. I forgot about the incriminating-evidence hat until I overheard a couple classmates talking about the new video on the HOO website. Apparently Chaunt’Elle has brought home a Man of the Night at least twice this month. AP either didn’t have permission to show the guy’s face or thought it would be fun to keep his identity a secret, because it’s hard to tell who it is. Let the speculations begin. AP is such a tease, he wouldn’t show anything more than some late-night flirting over open textbooks, half of it offscreen, but the implications are there for anyone to pick up and take to inappropriate places. I’m surprised that I’m surprised, considering we share a cardboard wall. I have a feeling she will be upset about this. But it’s hard to feel sorry for her when WE ARE ON A REALITY SHOW AND EVERYTHING WE DO OR SAY AND ALL OUR CHOICES END UP ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE WE ASKED FOR THIS.
Yeah, she cried. I asked her why she was upset when she knew what she was getting into, but she cried some more and said, “It’s not what they think!” So I put some ice cream in front of her in hopes of keeping her quiet. It worked for a few minutes. Marc was super nice about it and did the dishes for her and made fun of himself to cheer her up. Normally this would have delighted her, but under the circumstances it increased her embarrassment. Marc had no idea why.
JS
Why were you so nice?
MARC
Because she’s a good girl and doesn’t deserve this shit, and I know she’d do the same for me. I believe in being kind to people who
need it. Why were you nice?
JS
Because tears make me uncomfortable.
TueMay3
Went for a run today as usual. It started snowing. Gross.
Chaunt’Elle came into my room this afternoon. Usually she knocks on the wall beside the curtain before coming in, but today she was too disoriented.
CHAUNT’ELLE
Jane. I got this stuffed cow in the mail today.
She held it in front of my face. I snorted. It was small with freakishly large eyes and big lips.
CHAUNT’ELLE
What does it mean?!
JS
Someone likes you?
She sat down on my bed and stared at the thing in her hands.
CHAUNT’ELLE
Are they trying to say something?
JS
Like what?
CHAUNT’ELLE
Well, it’s a cow . . .
JS
I don’t get it.
CHAUNT’ELLE
Jane!! Don’t make me spell it out!!
Robbie poked his head through the curtain.
ROBBIE
Spell what out?
JS
Chaunt’Elle has a fan.
CHAUNT’ELLE
A guy wouldn’t send this, right?! But why would a girl send it?
JS
It’s not from Man of the Night, is it?
CHAUNT’ELLE
Man of what?!
ROBBIE
Did it come with a note?
CHAUNT’ELLE
It said, “Best of luck with the show. Robin.”
I never meant to insult Chaunt’Elle, only mess with her. Robbie met my eyes, and I kept my face perfectly still and he understood me. I love that. With the slightest of smiles, he took the cow from Chaunt’Elle.
ROBBIE
This looks pretty serious.
CHAUNT’ELLE
I KNOW.
Tonight’s immunity challenge was laser tag. It was no surprise—AP has been promoting it throughout school for days, trying to get other students involved in the game. The five of us piled into a van, and AP drove us to the arena himself. It was a good turnout; the arena was packed. The objective was straightforward. The House of Orange contestant with the highest score at the end of the night wins immunity. The person (contestant or not) with the highest total score wins a gift card to some restaurant. I have strong feelings about free food, but I resolved to get the highest score for the glory, not the gift card. I have strong feelings about laser tag, too. I finally had a chance to shine.
As we strapped on our heavy electronic vests and put guns in our holsters, I prepared myself mentally. Chaunt’Elle was giddy with excitement and nerves. She wore heavier makeup than usual, probably so it would show up through all the smoke. She asked if I wanted to team up.
JS
No.
CHAUNT’ELLE
Why not?
JS
You’ll slow me down.
CHAUNT’ELLE
But we have an alliance.
JS
I know. But I take laser tag very seriously.
Chaunt’Elle rolled her eyes and went to stand next to Robbie. The lights went out and an electronic voice began the countdown. I ignored the chatter and laughter around me and focused on the metal doors as they swung open.
We had thirty seconds to position ourselves before the guns were activated. I ditched the others and ran up the nearest ramp. The arena had three levels, all of them filled with smoke and barricades and flickering lights. It looks like a maze at first, but Carol and I come here so often, I know the place inside out.
The contestants all had to wear HOOcaps—I suppose to make us easily identifiable. I had no desire to be easily identifiable. As soon as the thirty seconds were up, I let myself get hit. While I waited for my gun to reboot, I congratulated the girl who shot me.
JS
Way to go. You’re the first person to hit me, so I’m supposed to give you this hat as a prize.
GIRL
Really? Cool, thanks!
She had nowhere to carry it except her head.
JS
Good luck!
I shot her in the back as she walked away.
In laser tag, there are no rules. There are no friendships. There is something wonderfully violent and free about it all that makes me feel invincible.
I made my way to my favorite corner at the top of the arena. I had to climb through a narrow hole to get to it, but once I did so, I had a good view of everything below. It was excellent for sniping. I stayed there for a good ten minutes, making shot after shot, before a HOOcap found me. Security cameras gave me away I guess. The camera couldn’t make it through the hole, so the HOOcap stuck it out around a corner at an awkward angle. I knew it would attract too much attention, and I didn’t want anyone to find the spot. So I left, running faster than the camera could follow.
I figured if I looked for the cameras, I’d find the other contestants. Shooting them would help me more than shooting everyone else. Marc was the easiest to find, jumping over barricades and running between windows like fucking James Bond. I shot him from behind, then ran up from another angle before his gun rebooted.
JS
Hey, Marc!
MARC
Hey, Sinner. How are you making out?
JS
Not so good. Want to work together for a bit?
MARC
Yeah, I guess. I’m doing pretty well from here, but you can guard my back.
JS
Sure.
His gun flashed and he took aim outside the window, his back turned to me. I shot him.
MARC
Shit.
JS
I think it came from the corner over there.
MARC
Yeah, I think so.
I fired behind us, hitting a target for bonus points, while Marc kept his attention on the corner. I waited until a couple students ran out from another barricade, firing at us, before shooting him again.
MARC
Shit.
I kept this up until Marc’s frustration grew so loud, it attracted more attention than I could handle. I quietly left Marc fighting a losing battle and found higher ground. Not long after, the buzzer screeched to end the game. I made my way back to the entrance, tired and sweatier than most people, but I won that round.
Normally after winning a round I’d buy Carol a pop or something to ease the pain of losing. She loves laser tag as much as I do, although I’ve never let her win. She knows she has to earn it fair and square—it’s one of the reasons she keeps asking to come back. I didn’t care about anyone else’s feelings after this round though. I knew what was coming. People would start to gang up on me, fueled by resentment and poorly formed conceptions of injustice.
Robbie was the first to approach me as the doors opened for the second round. We trotted up the ramp side by side.
ROBBIE
Jane!
JS
Yeah.
ROBBIE
Let’s work together this round.
JS
You know I won’t.
ROBBIE
But we have an alliance.