by Lianne Oelke
WedJul13
I left a bottle of aspirin addressed to AP outside of the house before going to class. For the headache.
My mind has been a bit buzzy today, thinking about how I can get back on the show. I sat by a window in Philosophy and did my best to daydream, but my eyes had nothing to hold on to. Hinkfuss called me out on my inattention.
HINKFUSS
Jane? Would you care to join the rest of the class?
JS
Hmm? Oh. Sure.
HINKFUSS
If you don’t want to be here, Jane, please don’t let me waste your time.
JS
I’m sorry. I want to be here.
HINKFUSS
Wonderful. Thanks for playing with us.
Marc passed me a note five minutes later.
MARC: Come on, Jane. This class is the best. Don’t make her hate me because she hates the show because of you.
JS: I’m sorry, Marc. I was being immature. It won’t happen again.
MARC: Okay. You know, you shouldn’t let them get to you. It’s part of being on TV.
JS: Haha. I don’t.
MARC: Freedom is when you don’t take anything personally.
JS: WTF, Marc?! That’s really clever.
MARC: Ha.
JS: I’m not being sarcastic. You should mention that to Hinkfuss.
MARC: I can’t. I’m shy.
JS: I’m rolling my eyes at you.
ThuJul14
Jenna and I had crepes for dinner. We lit used Christmas candles and listened to contemporary jazz and didn’t change into sweatpants until after we finished eating. Once the dishes were cleaned up, I sat down cross-legged on the couch and pulled out my English notebook. Jenna made fun of me for the Pokémon doodles on the front. It was hard to focus on homework when I knew Chaunt’Elle was probably being voted out right then.
JENNA
What are you working on?
JS
We have to write a mythological explanation of the nature of love.
JENNA
What are you going to write?
JS
I don’t know. Some bullshit, probably.
JENNA
I went to church on Sunday.
JS
What?
I thought Jenna was the kind of intellectual who looked down on religion from a lofty perch. She’d mentioned Christianity once or twice before, and her interest struck me as curiosity, not condescension. Still, I didn’t think she’d be curious enough for a ground-level approach. Jenna waited a moment before continuing. I hoped I didn’t look too confused. Or blank. Or bitchy. My face does that sometimes.
JENNA
Supposedly God loves us. But what is his one command? “What you do unto others, you do unto me. Love others: and above all, love me.”
She stared at me as though the intensity in her shiny dark eyes could make me understand.
JS
. . . And?
JENNA
What’s it to God if we love him or not? What does he get out of it?
I thought for a minute.
JS
He gets us.
JENNA
He gets all of us. If this is love, it’s not a “feeling.” It’s more than that. It’s possession.
JS
That doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t love involve self-sacrifice?
JENNA
Think about it. The more I sacrifice, the more you owe me.
JS
But what if the other person doesn’t love you back? How can you possess them?
JENNA
It’s not about them. It’s about you.
I was beginning to wonder if I was clever enough to follow her thought. It’s not fair how some people can be so good-looking, smart, and badass. I struggled to think of something to say while maintaining a thoughtful appearance.
JS
Why were you at church?
JENNA
Because sometimes I feel my life is one big meaningless hole.
JS
You too?
JENNA
I wanted to try something new. See what the big deal was.
JS
And did you find out?
JENNA
No.
FriJul15
Dear English 205:
Please accept this mythological explanation of the nature of love. It may be the most brilliant thing I’ve ever written. It certainly has shed illumination on my own experiences.
Sincerely,
Jane Sinner
The Sky was the biggest, most powerful god, but also the emptiest. She was so big and empty that there was nothing in the way of her seeing everything that happened, both on the earth and outside it.
One day she looked above her and saw the Sun. When he passed by her, he filled her with his brightness and warmth and made her feel bigger and fuller and more powerful than before. The Sky liked the feeling so much that she decided she had to keep it, and to keep the feeling, she had to keep the Sun. She complimented him, calling him beautiful and radiant and strong. The Sun was flattered and couldn’t resist going to her.
At first he was happy to stay; no one had ever appreciated him so much. But it wasn’t long before he found that he couldn’t move, and he became restless. His heat dried up the clouds and smothered the wind. The Sky felt her clouds dry up and her winds stop, but she refused to let him go, because she found that she could see her own self, her own strength and power, better in his light. She reproached him for wanting to leave, saying he was ungrateful. She reminded the Sun that he could never find such a welcoming, appreciative home anywhere else.
The Sun didn’t want to cause her pain, but he couldn’t remain still much longer. He told the Sky that he wouldn’t leave her until every part of her was warm. The Sky agreed, not because it would make him happy but because she knew he could never leave. To this day, the Sun keeps moving round and round the Sky, always bringing his light into the darkness and cold where he has already been.
The End
I watched some behind-the-scenes footage on the website and found out that R went on a date with a very pretty girl last weekend. Seems like they had a good time. I saw her at school today, and we made eye contact. She had the decency to look embarrassed. I hope I wasn’t glaring at her, but I probably was. He’s mine. In a purely vengeful sort of way. I bet he doesn’t even know I’m coming for him.
SatJun16
We’re not supposed to take home the overripe produce that gets thrown out at the end of the day. Sometimes it ends up in my backpack anyway. Oops. Most of it is still decent—Jenna and I made some fajitas. It’s nice to have a roommate wealthier than I am but still practical enough to eat from a dumpster now and then. I’m glad the dinner went so well; I had something to ask her.
JS
Jenna, I’ve been thinking.
JENNA
Oh?
JS
I talked to your brother the other night, and I believe there is a possibility I’ll end up back on the show.
JENNA
Yeah, I know.
JS
If I’m going to make it back on, I’ll need the public to vote for me.
JENNA
So?
JS
So.
I swirled the juice in my wineglass as I chose my words.
JS
I’m not sure I’d get the votes. I want to win. So I figure I’ll need a plan.
JENNA
What sort of plan?
JS
A campaign. And I want you to be my campaign manager.
JENNA
Is this a paid position?
JS
Of course not.
JENNA
What’s in it for me?
JS
A steady supply of freshly expired grocery products and secondhand glory.
Jenna kept a straight face as she thought about it. I wish I could keep my face that straight all the time. I also wish
my face was that attractive. Razor-sharp cheekbones! NVM I’m wasting words here.
JS
You’re an efficient, objective, intelligent, and ruthless business student with no patience for stupidity. I admire all those qualities. You also have over a thousand Facebook friends. That’s got to count for something.
JENNA
Don’t you think there’d be a conflict of interest? Since I’m the producer’s sister?
JS
Who is going to know? Or care?
JENNA
I’ll do it, but I don’t believe in charity. If you win, I want a thousand dollars of your scholarship.
JS
Done.
MonJul18
Chaunt’Elle was voted off on today’s episode. So many tears onscreen, so many smiles in our living room. I was kind of hoping Marc would go, but he had the immunity idol. Won it in a chili cook-off. I don’t know what R did to get Marc to vote for Chaunt’Elle, but I think Marc felt bad about it. As she left, Marc gave her a kiss on the cheek. I’ve never seen him display affection like that before, and in any other context it wouldn’t have made him look like a douchebag. R sat there like he didn’t give a fuck. Cold and calculating. I won’t be able to stand my life if either of these guys wins.
It’s official. Holly, Raj, Chaunt’Elle, and I are in the running to get back on. AP announced the twist with his usual careful charisma. The rest of the episode was a little flat. It was mostly Robbie and Marc bickering about conflicting standards of cleanliness and hygiene.
DFS
Tell me what happened on last night’s episode.
JS
Oh, you know. The show doesn’t have the same level of psychological insight as it used to. Robbie is good at manipulating people, but he’s too subtle for television. Other than the twist, last night was rather boring. I’d like to say this is because I left, so I will. The show is boring because I left.
DFS
Interesting. Very interesting. Do you hear yourself?
JS
Uhm. Yes?
DFS
You sound arrogant. I’d like to say I’m a good psychotherapist and I know what I’m talking about, so I will. I’m a good psychotherapist and I know what I’m talking about. You are arrogant. Why do you always think you are better than everyone else?
JS
I don’t. Not always.
DFS
So walk me through your game plan here. You’re going to get back on and humiliate R? And once you win the show, everyone will realize how clever and self-sufficient and totally-not-suicidal you are, right? All your dreams will come true, and you’ll ride a unicorn into the sunset and live happily ever after?
JS
That is the general idea, yes.
TueJul19
Today is officially the first day of my campaign. We have one week. Here we go.
WedJul20
Jenna surprised me with a box of T-shirts with a stylized graphic of my face covering the front. I’m wearing one to school today because it amuses me. Tacky and vain? Or hilarious and ironic? It’s a fine line sometimes.
Jenna had another surprise when I came home from work: a Facebook page titled “Win a Date with Jane Sinner!” I laughed out loud.
JS
Lol.
JENNA
I talked with Alex—every IP address gets one chance to vote someone back on the show. If someone votes for you, they get the option to enter their name to win a date with you. If you get back on the show, we draw a name. If a guy really wants to win, he can get his friends to vote for you and put his name in. Or her name. I assume you’d go out with a girl? I’d like to appeal to as many votes as possible.
I don’t swing that way, but I’m okay with keeping options open.
JS
Sure. Give me a minute to think this through, though. So, this would take place after I’m back on? Is this a televised date?
JENNA
Of course.
JS
And it’s just a one-time deal? Any specific contractual obligations I should be aware of?
JENNA
Nothing you won’t agree to.
JS
Hmm. Well, if this is what it takes.
I admire Jenna’s ingenuity, but I really don’t know how effective this will be. I doubt I come across as very desirable date material.
JENNA
You’re more desirable than you think you are. You’ve been on television, after all.
JS
Thank you.
A couple of Jenna’s friends I had never met before came over tonight to design the Win a Date poster. Large text! Abstract patterns! Bold colors!
JS
Why are you doing this?
JENNA
It’s part of the job.
JS
I mean, why put so much effort into this? What’s in it for you? You don’t really need the scholarship money.
JENNA
I like winning just as much as you.
JS
That’s it? You’re doing this because you like winning?
JENNA
For the most part.
Jenna can be very ambiguous when she wants to be. It’s frus-trating.
ThuJul21
Marc let it slip on new website bonus content that I tried to kill myself in high school. Most likely R told him. So much for my attempt to leave that all behind at James Fowler. The worst part is that Marc played the Instability Card, and he probably has no idea that he did. Not the type of instability that results in entertaining reality television—the instability that results in emotional trauma, psychological scarring, and potential psychopathic tendencies. Obviously this is not the image Jenna and I want to present to the public. I hate the Instability Card. The parents play it too often.
I can see where Marc/R is going with this. If they can convince the public that I am a liar and returning to the show would be bad for my mental health, I won’t get any votes.
This game plan will negatively affect me in the following ways:
—My credibility as a strong competitor will be undermined.
—Hundreds (thousands?) of people will feel sorry for me.
—I might be tempted to feel sorry for myself.
Obviously we need to adjust our strategy. I haven’t talked with Jenna yet, but I already have a couple ideas.
The first requires a substantial amount of instant coffee.
The second requires that I drop out of school and become an artist, playwright, philosopher, or some other profession that justifies obvious eccentricities. Like being a hermit.
The third involves a massive mud-slinging campaign funded by a sponsorship with Effexor or Prozac.
The forums on the HOO website are seeing a lot of activity. Most of it is bad news for me.
“Jane Sinner shouldn’t be on television. She obviously can’t deal with stress. One day she is going to snap.”
—anonymous
“WTF? why would she lie about everything?”
—annie435
“What an attention whore. But I guess shes cool.”
—2lowrider