by Lianne Oelke
I have twenty minutes before my ride gets here. Jenna did my hair. I feel like a slob already because there is no way this standard will be maintained. I promised Jenna I wouldn’t be sulky and introspective tonight. This date is really for her, and I want her to feel like all her clever strategy is paying off. I turned on the Beach Boys, and now I just have to pick up some good vibrations. Yeah yeah—c’mon Jane, you got this!!!
I knew there was a strong chance my date would be Tom or Will, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. My stomach sank as I walked up to the restaurant. I wanted to kick myself for not seeing this coming. I should have insisted on the right to veto ex-classmates and potentially violent dates. I should have made a provision in the contract. I should have had my lawyer write the contract in the first place. I should have a lawyer. Why don’t I have a lawyer by now? But it wasn’t Tom or Will waiting for me across the candlelit table.
It was Robbie.
It was a punch to the gut. A series of punches. Uppercut uppercut jab cross left hook right hook. Roundhouse.
R
Hey, Jane.
JS
R
You might as well sit down.
Some paperwork lay on the table next to his skinny elbows. I didn’t have to read it to know it was the contract.
R
I just want to talk. Jenna said you wouldn’t run out on me.
Damn it. Of course I couldn’t run out. I owed her. I owed all the people who voted for me to see this happen. I knew what I was getting into. I remembered that I promised to not be sulky and introspective, and a small laugh squeaked out of me. I sat down.
R
You look nice.
JS
(I hate myself for the effort I put into my appearance.)
It’s been a while. How have you been?
R
If you’ve been watching the show, you have a pretty good idea.
JS
Yes, I’ve been keeping up with the show.
R
Wine?
JS
(Oh god, yes.)
Yes, thank you.
A waiter promptly filled our glasses, and I promptly took a dainty sip. It tasted expensive.
R
Congrats on getting back on the show. I was hoping it would be you.
JS
Thank you.
Silence.
R
How have you been?
JS
Very well, thank you.
R
Come on, Jane. You can drop the act.
If the cameras weren’t around, I would have chewed him out. And by chew him out I mean ignore him more severely.
JS
Please, call me Sinner.
Robbie sighed and readjusted his cutlery. I opened a packet of cream and dumped it onto a candle.
R
I want to tell you something.
JS
R
I wasn’t the one to post your journal online.
JS
(Your timing is very convenient.)
Your timing is very convenient.
R
I mean it. I don’t know who did. I want you to believe me.
I shrugged.
JS
I don’t.
Robbie sighed again. I resisted the urge to check my cell phone for the time. I knew I still owed him another three hours and fifty-five minutes of my life.
JS
So how did you get this date? Jenna told me the whole process would be legit.
R
It was. I convinced a lot of people to vote for you and write my name down.
Something unpleasant twitched inside of me. I did not like the thought of owing my success to Robbie.
JS
Why?
R
Because I wanted this time to talk to you. Just us. Before you moved back in. I knew you’d never agree to meet me any other way.
So he’d ambushed me.
Silence.
R
If we’re going to be living together for the next few weeks, I don’t want us to hate each other.
JS
If you don’t want me to hate you, don’t be an asshole.
R
Come on, Jane! It’s just a game. It was just strategy. You said yourself that you didn’t come here to make friends. I’m not asking to be friends. I just don’t want us to hate each other.
I don’t know what he could have said to change my mind. I trusted him. I liked him. Then he screwed me over, he lied to me, he made me look like an idiot. He invaded the only privacy I had.
Sometimes it’s nice to hate someone.
Silence.
R
You don’t get it, do you? How you can be an asshole too.
Three hours and fifty-three minutes? Who am I kidding? Jenna knew I’d never make it. I walked out, taking the bottle of wine with me.
Now he must hate me even more, and I’m scared of hating him any less.
I took my wine, walked around the city, and reveled in my anonymity. I found some paper to write down what happened so it would be on the paper, not in my head. I drank the wine. I also didn’t want to go home because my hair looked so good, it would be a shame to let it go unnoticed. I ended up in a park; then I ended up home. Jenna had waited up for me.
JENNA
Jane, what happened?
JS
Come on, you knew I wouldn’t make it! You set me up!
JENNA
I didn’t set you up! He had the most entries, and his name was drawn. You agreed to this.
JS
You set me up.
JENNA
All you had to do was talk to him.
JS
I had nothing to say.
JENNA
Why do you have to be so stubborn?!
JS
I’m not stubborn!
JENNA
Of course you are!
JS
Well, I’m not going to pretend I’m wrong when I’m not!
Jenna rolled her eyes dramatically and left.
Tired and no longer as drunk as she’d like to be, Jane falls down onto Dr. Freudenschade’s couch. She doesn’t know why she’s there.
DFS
Why are you here?
JS
I don’t know.
DFS
It’s rather rude, you know. Walking in here at two a.m, expecting me to make sense of your life for you when you can’t even tell me why you’re here.
JS
Meh.
DFS
You’re extremely selfish.
JS
I know.
DFS
You say that as if self-awareness justifies it.
JS
Doesn’t it?
DFS
Probably not.
WedJul27
Jane wakes up on Dr. Freudenschade’s couch.
DFS
Good morning.
JS
I guess.
DFS
What do you want to talk about?
JS
I don’t know. What do you want to talk about?
DFS
Robbie.
JS
Oh. What about him?
DFS
You didn’t break your heart, obviously, but you cracked it.
JS
Don’t you mean Robbie cracked it?
DFS
No. You did that yourself.
JS
Oh. It is rather brittle.
DFS
So what are you going to do about it?
JS
Reinforce my rib cage with steel. I don’t want to talk about this right now.
DFS
We have to talk about it sometime.
JS
Go to hell.
DFS
All right. I’ll see you there. We can talk about it then.
JS
All right.
Releva
nt text from Tom: Hope the date went well last night. You deserve a gentleman.
JS: It was not ideal.
TOM: I should take you out and show you how a girl deserves to be treated.
JS: I don’t think I need you to tell me what girls deserve.
TOM: You don’t know a good thing when you see it, do you?
JS: I do, actually. I’m staring at a bag of Twizzlers right now.
SatJul30
I wish it were possible to wash my brain out with soap and/or erase all memories of the past twenty-four hours.
I was going to stay at the parents’ last night (I thought we’d be okay enough to spend a night in the same house) and watch a movie with Carol, but Carol just had to go and get food poisoning and ruin everything with her uncontrollable diarrhea exploding everywhere. But even witnessing that was preferable to what came after.
Jenna was obviously not expecting me to come home that evening. I walked in to find the house dimly lit and the radio blasting. That was fine. It was Friday night. I thought that meant Jenna was in the living room. I thought maybe Jenna could sit through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with me without shitting her pants. You never know.
Turns out she was in the living room, and the volume of the radio, loud as it was, was not loud enough to drown out the grunts of frenzied sex. Jenna is only human too, I guess. So she had a Man of the Night. Whatever. And they were going at it on Jenna’s squeaky leather couch. Okay.
Pastor Ron can keep his theodicies and Christian apologetics. The strongest argument against the existence of a benevolent God I’ve ever seen came in the form of Marc’s naked body violating the couch where I spend most of my evenings. Half a second was all it took for his red face, sweaty tattoos, and mass of pubic hair to burn themselves in my memory. And that was not okay.
JS
(There are no words.)
MARC
Uh, Sinner. What . . . what are you doing? Here?
JS
I fucking live here! What the fuck!
The only decent thing about Jenna at that moment was her decision to keep her mouth shut.
JS
Well, I’ll be going now. Please tell me you’ll disinfect that couch.
MARC
It’s not what it looks like!
JS
(What are you doing, then? Baking cookies?!)
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, MARC? No. Just . . . no.
I had lingered too long already. I headed back to the front door—I’d take Carol’s shit over this any day—and in the worst timing in the history of the universe, Alexander Park opened the door.
JS
Trust me, you don’t want to go in there.
AP
Are you fucking kidding me? Marc’s here again?
JS
AGAIN?
There was not enough disinfectant in the world to save me now. AP stormed past me as I hesitated in the doorway, caught between shit storms. Against my better judgment, I followed AP’s yelling back to the living room. Something clicked. I’ve heard them yelling like this before.
AP
I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER! GET THE FUCK OUT!
JENNA
What are you doing here?!
AP
Your boyfriend is supposed to be at a challenge right now.
JENNA
Ugh, he’s not my boyfriend. Stop calling him that.
Jenna had wrapped herself up in a blanket. Marc was standing next to the couch, making no effort to hide his boner.
AP
[to Marc]
Put your fucking clothes on and get out, or so help me god.
I had no idea AP could be so terrifying.
JENNA
You had no right to barge in like this!
MARC
Yeah! What the hell, man? You need to chill out.
AP/JENNA
SHUT THE FUCK UP, MARC!
MARC
I’m sick of people telling me to shut up! If your sister wants to bone me, that’s none of your business!
AP lunged at Marc, shoving him against the wall. Marc threw his hands up but not quickly enough to block AP’s punch. Marc’s head hit the wall with a crack. I ran across the room and grabbed AP’s arm. He was stronger than I expected, but his shirt was surprisingly soft. Jenna was still kneeling on the couch, the blanket wrapped tight around her.
MARC
Is that it? Is that all you got, bro?
AP shook me off and grabbed Marc’s shoulders, then pushed him to the floor. Marc stumbled up, grabbing his jeans. He caught my eye as he left, shrugging as if to say, “What’s his problem?”
AP
[to Jenna]
What were you thinking? Of all the assholes you could screw, why him?
JENNA
Oh please. Like you’re some sort of saint. You want Marc to be an asshole. You use him just as much as I do!
I was starting to think I should back away slowly and leave it to the two of them.
JENNA
You use him, you use me, you use Jane.
AP
It’s not like that, and you know it.
JENNA
Oh, it’s not? Then how do you explain what you did to Jane?
They both snapped their eyes on me. I was halfway through the door frame to the kitchen.
JS
Uh, I’m gonna make a sandwich or something . . . You guys want . . . anything?
AP
Leave her out of it.
JENNA
She still doesn’t know, does she? That you leaked her journal online to get more attention for the show?
JS
Sorry, what?
For once, AP didn’t know what the right thing to say was. His eyebrows did pushups on his forehead. I struggled to understand what this meant.
It was never Robbie.
AP
Jane, look—I didn’t mean for it to go this far. When you left, the show wasn’t the same. I didn’t want people—
JS
So you just let me believe it was Robbie? You all but told me it was him!
AP was red in the face, pacing the living room and waving his hands everywhere. Jenna quietly began putting her clothes back on.