by A J Kent
My body jolts and pain ripples through my bones as my eye lids open to. The light from the room burns into the back of my head, causing my eyes to fly shut. My heart beats fast and my head buzzes with pain. Everything is foggy. Everything is fuzzy. Everything is blank.
I don’t remember getting here, wherever here is.
What the fuck happened?
Panic overtakes my breath as I try to recover memories from my brain. Empty. Nothing. Hopeless.
I slowly open my eyes again and the room finally starts to come into focus. My brain appears to be less fuzzy and I see silhouettes in front of me.
The beeping around me causes my hands to fly to my head, the noise is too loud and crippling. It takes a few more seconds before my eyes are fully open and I can see around me clearly.
Clarity.
My eyes lock onto the medical equipment that fill the white and blue room. The smell of anti-sceptic clogs my lungs as I take in a deep breath. I’m in a hospital.
I look down and lift up the cotton blanket that covers my body.
Shit, I really am in hospital.
I got hurt.
How did I get here?
Fuck.
FUUUUCK.
A blonde head invades my head.
Rory.
Where the fuck is Rory?
24
Rory
It’s been six days of Theodore coming in and out of consciousness.
Six days of pure agonising hell.
Day one he had extensive surgery. Theodore had three gunshots. Two to the abdomen and one to his left shoulder blade. The two hits to his abdomen damaged his liver, his kidneys and his small bowel. It turned out that he needed a kidney transplant. My whole world collapsed when the doctor said that most people could live with one kidney but Theodore needed a new one as the one he had wasn’t strong and he was concerned that his body would not be able to withstand the injuries so they searched for a donor.
It turns out that there was a match. Me. I was a perfect match. I was the only one who could save the man I’ve loved for so long. I didn’t even need to think about it. I was prepped and taken to surgery within five hours. First, they had to check my body over and mend some of my broken bones but that was quick and painless. Theodore needed a kidney, a healthy, viable kidney to live and I was the one who could give it to him.
The transplant took several hours, and my body was weak and sore when I finally came around, but I didn’t care. The surgery had gone well, and Theodore’s body took to the new kidney straight away. They were worried that his body might reject it, but it was a perfect fit. Even though the surgery went well, Theodore was not out of the woods yet.
The hours passed by and there was no sign of Theodore waking up. He was breathing on his own, but his brain activity was minimal. The doctor said it could take days for him to wake up as he endured so much trauma to his body. He said that if Theodore got here straight after he was shot the injuries would have been less extensive but because he was left there to bleed out and rot, he was in a much worse state. As well as his injuries he also had a nasty infection from the rust and dirt on the floor of the warehouse.
Day two of being in the hospital, Theodore opened his eyes. He opened his eyes when nobody was in the room. He was alone. Nobody realised he was awake until the doctor took a look at his brain scans and saw that the activity present showed evidence that he was awake. Day two I cried and cried and cried. We missed him waking up. He woke up in a room, alone, with nobody who cared about him around him.
Day three I started to feel better physically and by day four my body was responding to the medication prescribed by the doctors and my stitches were finally starting to heal. They were itchy as hell, but they were getting better, I was getting better. My arm and three ribs were broken, and I was still bruised to high heaven, but I was on the mend. At least my body was.
Physically I was improving with every minute, mentally I was deteriorating with every second. Every second felt like a minute, every minute felt like an hour and every hour felt like a day. My mind and heart were still broken. Crushed. Unfixable. I was in complete and utter despair. Until I was able to see Theodore, until I knew he was out of the woods, until I was able to touch him and kiss him, then and only then would I be able to feel better. Then and only then would I be able to put myself back together and forgive myself. I’m the reason why Theodore is laying in a hospital bed, strapped up to a machine with wires attached to him, making him look biotic.
I feel guilty and ashamed.
I feel like I am losing him and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nor for him.
Day three and day four were a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing for me as I could go home in a few days, but for Theodore, my precious Theodore, it was hell. Scratch that, it was worse than hell. He had a fever and at one point it reached one-hundred-and-five degrees. He was in the danger zone. Fevers that high in adults can be deadly.
I miss him so much. I know we were apart for years before I joined the academy, but things have changed since then. I have changed and so has he. Since then I have seen him every day. We’ve grown closer. He’s like a sunrise I’ll never get enough of. I need to see him, I need to see him walking around in his faded jeans and backwards baseball caps. I need to feel his mouth against mine as he kisses me into oblivion. I need to hear his infectious laugh. I need to feel his heartbeat against my fingertips. I just need him to be alive.
Day five I was finally released from the hospital. I had to come back in two weeks to get my stitches removed and have a new cast applied to my arm, but other than that I was free. I was healed and ready to go back into the big bad world that was called reality.
Charlotte took me home after refusing to leave my side for the past five days. It took Lottie and Henley over an hour of me pleading my case to stay, to finally get me to agree to come home for a little while. I went home, showered, had some decent food and then went straight back to the hospital. Charlotte has been a pain in my ass, but I wouldn’t change her for the world. She’s been my rock and without her, each day would have been more agonising and more tedious than it already was. Without Lottie I would not have been able to think, breathe, or see straight if it wasn’t for her. Without Lottie I would not have been able to cope.
I wasn’t coping.
For the past five days, Lottie has been my strength.
When I was released, I was able to go back to the hospital and it was the first time I was able to see Theodore and I mean really see him. I walked into the intensive care room and my knees buckled. I was crashing onto the floor, my knees cracking as they collided with the cold floor. But I didn’t care. I quickly shook away the pain and stood straight back up. I was not weak. I was not going to be weak, at least not today, not here. Not when Theodore laid in a bed struggling to breath.
I closed my eyes and gave myself a quick pep talk before I hobbled over to where Theodore was sleeping, resting, recuperating. This was the worst day for me. I was able to hold him, I was able to touch him, to feel him, to talk to him, to be with him but he had no idea I was there. He had no idea that we were in the same room.
I wish he could hear me, I wish I could tell him how he saved me, how he followed through on his promise. He saved me, he rescued me, and I will cherish that forever. I hate that he can’t see me. I hate that he’s not awake. I hate that he needs support to keep his body functioning properly.
I hate that this is my fault.
He used to trust me, but then I ran away like a coward and things changed.
One day I will tell him the real reason why I left on senior year graduation night. One day he will see that I made the right choice for the both of us. Despite how hard it was, despite the pain we endured. It was the right thing to do at the time.
I did it for him.
◆◆◆
My head jolts up as it hits the soft cotton blanket and the body of the man I’ve always loved. I can’t believe I fell asleep. What if he had
woken up? What if he needed my help?
I sit up and shake the sleep from my eyes.
I pull my phone from the side and look at the time. Four AM.
Day six.
Theodore has been here six days and there’s still no improvement in his condition.
Henley has told me to have hope, to have faith. He said that Theodore is just stubborn and is making a show of the whole thing. I wish I believed him. I wish I could believe him.
But Theodore isn’t like that.
Theodore can be stubborn, but he would never put those he cared about through something like this. He hates seeing those around him suffer. His natural instinct is to help someone and make them feel better. The doctor has told me that he is recovering, that his body is responding but it is taking too long, he is taking too long to wake up. He is taking too long to come back to me.
What if he forgets me?
What if he feels differently about me?
A knock on the glass door has my head snapping up from Theodore’s lap, Henley.
“Any updates?” Henley asks as he passes me a cup of coffee before taking the seat opposite me.
I smile and take a sip of the coffee, the warm liquid satisfying and refreshing as it rushes down my throat, “Nothing since the last time you were here. I know you told me to have hope Henley, but I can’t. It’s taking too long, he’s taking too long to wake up.” I cry as I place my hand over Theodore’s on the bed.
His hands are so soft, so warm, he’s home.
Henley shakes his head as he takes a sip of his own coffee, “He’ll wake up Rory. He has to wake up. He’s got so much he still needs to do. Fuck, he has so much more he needs to say.” Henley looks at me before moving his eyes back onto Theodore’s lifeless body.
What does Theodore still need to say?
I circle the pad of my thumb on his hand, “I have so much I want to say to him. I have so much I need to say to him. I told him things in Vegas sure, but there’s still so much more, Henley. He needs to hear what I have to say.”
“Then say it,” his eyes burrow, “Say it here, now. Have a practice run.”
Have a practice run. Those words echo through my mind as I try to put my thoughts into words.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes briefly before placing the coffee cup onto the table next to me and grab both of Theodore’s hands in mine.
“Theodore. I know you can’t hear me, and you don’t know that I’m here, but I want to say these words to you anyway. At least this way I can iron out all the corny crap and say the words that really mean something, say the words you actually need to hear. I’ve always loved you. Deeply and truly loved you. I love that you would turn up to my house unannounced with all my favourite snacks and candy. I love the way you called me beautiful every single day even though I thought you were saying it just because you were my best friend. I love your brain. You’re so intelligent. I love that you always put me first, before anyone else and before yourself. I love how you wear your baseball caps backwards, despite having the sexiest head of hair. I love how when I see you my heart always skips a beat. I got my heart checked once as I thought I had a serious illness.
It turns out I was just crazy for this guy I knew. I love that you looked after me and my Mom when my Dad walked out on us. I love that you got two jobs to help us pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads. I love that you always knew me more than anyone else, even when we drifted apart, you still knew me like nobody else did. The thing I don’t love is that I lied to you. I had to run, I had to leave all those years ago. I couldn’t stay in the states, it didn’t matter how much I loved you, it didn’t matter that I wanted to tell you how I felt at graduation, I had to leave. I had no other choice. I lied to you before. Hell, I lied to Lottie, Henley and everyone else. I remember the first letter my father sent me. It was halfway through Senior Year, the letter was basically a list of demands and a list of threats. He demanded that I went to England, he demanded that I put Mom in a home, and he demanded that I left you. He said that you would get in the way of his plans. Plans we now understand. But he threatened you Theodore, he threatened your career, your future and your life. He said that if I didn’t leave you would be made to pay for my mistakes. He said you would face the consequences. If I had told you, you would have stayed but I wasn’t going to be responsible for you not being able to do what you wanted. So, I had to push you away. I had to make you think I didn’t want to see you anymore or you would have gotten hurt. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but it was easier to push you away than worry about your life. It was easier loving you from afar instead of loving you and missing you whilst you were six feet under. It killed me every day, but I was able to sleep at night knowing that my Dad wouldn’t go near you. I finally accepted that I would never see you again. At least that is how it was going to stay until I had enough and moved back to the states, joined the FBI and you of all people turned out to be my instructor. As soon as I saw you, I knew I was done for. My feelings flooded back with a vengeance. They ran deeper and ten times stronger when we fucked in Vegas. I know it was rough and primal but it was so full of passion and so full of need. I know it was selfish of me to fuck you and to come back into your life. I know I’m the reason you’re in this hospital bed, I know I’m the reason you may never wake up, but I had to be with you. I love you too much to be away from you. I love you so much Theodore, so much, always and forever.”
I take a deep breath and smile at Henley. He smiles back before looking back at Theodore.
“I knew you did more than kissing in Vegas,” Henley admits as he smiles and shakes his head.
My face heats up and my head is flooded with memories of Theodore’s body on mine, behind me, inside of me. I wipe away the tears gushing down my face and lay my head on Theodore’s lap. My whole-body freezes and I suck in a breath as a hand reaches out and touches my cheek. The sizzling on my cheek sends my heart into overdrive. The touch feels like a fireworks display on the fourth of July. I slowly turn my head telling myself this cannot be real, I must be dreaming.
That touch, the response from my body, that can only be the touch of one man, my man. Theodore. My eyes lock on a familiar pair of emerald green eyes staring at me so deeply and so intensely and my whole word collapses around me.
“Rory?”
25
Theodore
“Rory?” I call out.
My throat is dry, and my head is pounding but I don’t care. I’m definitely not dreaming anymore, or at least I hope I’m not.
Her touch is intoxicating and electrifying. Warmth soars through my bones as Rory touches my hand with hers. She’s here. She’s really here.
I actually managed to get to her. I had hoped it would have turned out a bit differently to us both being sat in a hospital but I’m going to take what I can get.
“Rory,” I call out again. Praying that this is real and not a pigment of my imagination. That she is actually in this room with me right now. I reach out and brush my fingertips against a soft and damp cheek.
Rory.
A familiar pair of sapphire blue eyes slowly turn to face me, and I nearly fall out of this bed and back into a deep sleep when her beautiful face falls on mine. Fuck, I’ve missed thus face.
“Theodore?” Rory whispers as she pushes herself up from the chair and sits on the open spot next to me on the bed. I love having her body this close to me. I can smell her, I can taste her. All of her.
“Rory,” I respond as I put my hand on her face and stroke her cheek with the pads of my thumb.
I can’t believe she is really here. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me at first. I thought she was an hallucination taunting me, or a dream I couldn’t wake up from. There was no way the words she was speaking were meant for me. There was not a chance in fucking hell that the words that left her soft, delicate, delicious mouth were real. But I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong. I was actually awake, I wasn’t dreaming.
Her words were rea
l. Everything she said was real. Rory poured her heart and soul out to me and I actually heard every single word. She doesn’t know that I heard what she said, she doesn’t realise that I know she loves me, but I will tell her, when the time is right.
“I can’t believe you are finally awake,” she says as she puts her hand over mine that is resting on her face, “I can’t believe you’re speaking. I thought I lost you. I thought you were never going to wake up and come back to me.”
The hurt in her voice makes my whole body go numb. God dammit, I can’t believe I made her worry like that. I can’t believe I put her through all of that pain and suffering. If only I had admitted to her in Vegas that I loved her, if only I’d admitted that I wanted to be with her too, then this would not have happened.
Fuck, I hate that I hurt her.
I smile and pull my face closer to hers, breathing in her scent that is my own personal high. The only drug I will ever need.
“Did Henley not tell you, I can be a bit of a stubborn guy sometimes. Hell, I can even be a drama queen. I was probably just making a scene.”
She flashes her eyes to the side before looking at me once again. I know she knows that I am lying. My body must have gone through the fucking wars if it took me that long to wake up. She knows I hate to have people fuss over me and I hate making those around me suffer.
“Henley did in fact tell Rory that very point,” a gruff voice from the other side of the bed says.
I slowly turn my head, the insides pounding with every movement I make. A smile graces my face as my eyes fall on my best friend. Shit, he looks worse than me. Just another person on my long list of apologies I need to make when I get out of this godforsaken hospital.
“I did get an A in drama class, what do you expect?” I joke as Henley leans down and pulls me in for a soft brotherly hug. He holds me close and tight for a few seconds before standing up.
“You scared the fuck out of me man. Don’t you ever do that shit again you hear me?” he says as he points his index finger at me.