‘There’s nothing to forgive.’
He held out his arms and Millie rushed into them, weeping with relief. They stood in the middle of the stable-yard, oblivious to everyone and everything around them, clinging to each other as if they would never let go.
‘Oh, darling, I’ve missed you so much,’ Seb murmured, pressing his lips into her hair. ‘As soon as we walked away from each other that night, I knew I’d made the worst mistake of my life. But, stubborn idiot that I am, I couldn’t bring myself to run after you. And then when I saw you at the christening . . .’
‘But you were so cold to me.’
‘I was doing my best to keep my distance!’ he groaned. ‘I thought it was what you wanted.’
‘I looked for you,’ Millie mumbled, against his chest. The smell of horses, sweat and leather mingled with the sharp lemony tang of his cologne. ‘But Lucinda told me you’d gone off with Georgina Farsley. I thought you and she might be . . .’ she trailed off, miserable at the memory.
‘Georgina?’ Seb laughed. ‘How many more times do I have to tell you? I’m not remotely interested in that predator. She asked me to take her to the station because she wanted to make Jumbo jealous, that’s all. Unfortunately for her, he was too drunk to notice she’d even gone!’
‘They make a hopeless couple, don’t they?’ Millie smiled.
‘They’re not the only ones.’ He held her closer, so she could feel the steady beat of his heart through his shirt. ‘You don’t know how close I’ve come to turning up at the nurses’ home and battering the door down in search of you.’
‘I wish you had.’
‘I thought you’d just hate me more.’
‘I could never hate you.’ Millie pulled away from him. ‘I’ve made up my mind,’ she said. ‘I want us to get married as soon as possible,’
He regarded her warily. ‘What’s brought this on?’
‘Just something someone said to me.’ She told him about Maud Mortimer, and the last talk they’d had. ‘It made me think about regrets, and I realised then I didn’t want to regret losing you.’
‘But you don’t have to lose me,’ he said. ‘Don’t you see? I was a jealous fool, thinking I didn’t want to share you with anything or anyone else. But I had no right to try to clip your wings like that. You love nursing, I realised that the night you took care of Sophia. And you’re good at it, too. I suppose that was why I got so angry, because I realised how much you loved it.’
‘But I love you more. And I can’t wait to marry you.’
She had expected him to take her in his arms and kiss her again, so the deep frown on his face disturbed her.
‘I’m afraid you might have to,’ he said. ‘I’m leaving for Berlin next week.’
‘Berlin!’ She stared at him, shocked.
‘The editor has offered me the chance to go over there and comment on the political situation. Just a few local colour pieces, but if I do well they might lead to a perman-ent job on the Foreign Desk. Isn’t that marvellous?’ he said.
Millie was barely listening. ‘When were you going to tell me?’ she asked numbly.
‘That’s why I was going to come and see you. But you rather beat me to it by coming here. Not that I’m complaining,’ Seb added quickly. His blue eyes searched her face. ‘Don’t look like that, Mil. You should be pleased for me. This is my big chance. Just think, one day I could be the Chief Foreign Correspondent, rushing off to report on wars around the world!’
Millie shivered. ‘Don’t talk like that, Seb. We don’t need any more wars. And you don’t need to go all the way to Germany either. Why can’t you go on being a journalist here?’
‘Because I need to prove myself. Not just to the editor – to myself.’ His face was wistful. ‘I think that’s why I’ve been acting like such a fool lately. I felt – I don’t know – as if I wasn’t really any good at anything. You had your nursing, and I had nothing. I thought I needed you to give up your vocation for me, when really what I needed to do was to find a vocation of my own. Something to be proud of.’
‘I’m proud of you,’ Millie told him fiercely.
His smile was edged with sadness. ‘That’s not enough, Mil. I need to be proud of myself. You do understand that, don’t you?’
How could she not understand? It was what had driven her from the ballrooms of Belgravia to a hospital in the backstreets of Bethnal Green.
‘Of course I understand,’ she said, suppressing a sudden rush of emotion. ‘You mustn’t take any notice of me, I’m just being silly and selfish because I know I’ll miss you.’
‘And I’ll miss you. More than you could possibly imagine. Which is why I wondered if you wouldn’t mind wearing this for me again?’
He reached into the pocket of his jacket. Millie saw the black velvet ring box and felt her eyes begin to sting with tears.
‘My ring!’
‘I’ve been carrying it around ever since you gave it back to me. I had it in my pocket on the day of the christening, but there didn’t seem to be the right moment to ask you . . .’ He flicked the box open, and she saw the diamonds and emeralds sparkling in its velvety depths. ‘So I’m asking you now.’ He sank down on to one knee.
‘Seb!’ Millie glanced around at the grooms who were leaning over the stable doors, grinning. ‘Get up! You’ll be covered in mud.’
‘Do be quiet, Millie, you’re ruining the romance of the moment.’ He held the ring up to her, his face solemn although there was a glint of amusement in his blue eyes. ‘Amelia Benedict, will you do me the honour of agreeing to marry me? Again?’
Millie laughed. ‘Put like that, I can’t really say no, can I?’
Chapter Forty-Nine
‘ENGAGED?’
Dora stared at June Riley as she sat at their kitchen table, drinking tea. It couldn’t be true, it had to be a mistake. Not after all the promises he’d made.
‘So they tell me.’ June flicked the ash of her cigarette into her saucer. ‘Reckon they’re getting all the paperwork done this afternoon. She wants a proper church wedding.’
‘Better get it done quick then.’ Nanna Winnie sent them a knowing look as she sat in her rocking chair, shelling peas into her lap.
‘That’s what I thought.’ June exhaled a thin stream of smoke from the corner of her mouth. ‘She must be in the family way, that’s all there is to it.’
‘Hasn’t your Nick said anything to you about it?’
‘Me?’ June laughed bitterly. ‘I’m the last person he’d talk to about anything. But we all know he’s a dirty little bastard. I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to get caught.’
‘At least he’s doing the right thing by her.’ Nanna tipped an apronful of peas into the bowl at her feet.
‘Serves him right,’ June muttered. ‘That Ruby’s a right little madam, she’ll bring him down a peg or two. And as for her mother!’ She stubbed out her cigarette in the saucer. ‘If he thinks I’m bad, wait until he’s got Lettie Pike bending his ear night and day.’
‘They ain’t going to be living with you, then?’ Nanna said.
‘Give over! Can you imagine that one living with us? We’d end up killing each other in a week!’ June cackled. ‘No, they’re going to be moving in with the Pikes, God help ’em. Mind you, she’s already got ideas about getting one of them fancy new flats the Corporation are putting up on Roman Road.’
‘You wouldn’t get me in one of those.’
‘Nor me. But you know what these young ’uns are like.’ June shook her head and delved into her packet for another cigarette. ‘And that one’s definitely set on going up in the world. Never mind about the rest of us. Who’s going to keep an eye on our Danny if my Nick moves out, that’s what I want to know?’
They both looked up as Dora got to her feet and grabbed her coat.
‘Where are you going?’ Nanna asked.
‘I’ve got to get back to the hospital. I’m back on duty in an hour.’
‘Ain’t you going to stay to
see your mum? She’s only nipped out to take some mending back to the laundry.’
‘Tell her I’ll come round again in a couple of days.’
Dora left them gossiping and hurried outside. She waited until she was through the back gate and safely out of view in the alley before leaning against the wall to steady herself. The damp of the cold brickwork seeped through her thin coat but she hardly noticed as she stood there, eyes misted with tears, staring up at the narrow strip of grey, sunless sky between the crowded tenements.
Nick and Ruby were engaged. It made no sense. Just a few days ago he’d told Dora he loved her and had begged her to wait for him. She’d been floating on a cloud ever since, warmed by the knowledge that one day they would be together. She fell asleep at night, dreaming of his strong, protective arms around her, imagining the feel of his kiss . . .
But even then, in the back of her mind, she had wondered if it was all too good to be true. Now she knew that it was. Reality came crashing down, dropping her back on to the cold, wet cobbles of Griffin Street with shattered dreams and a heart made of lead.
She pulled herself together. She couldn’t stand bawling her eyes out in the alleyway where her mum or one of the neighbours might come along at any moment. She was due back on the ward soon. And while Sister Everett was nowhere near as mean-spirited as Sister Wren, she still expected her nurses to be on time.
Dora’s heart sank as she turned the corner towards the Nightingale and saw Nick and Ruby standing at the gates.
She was saying goodbye to him before he went to work. They looked very lovey-dovey, with Ruby’s arms wound around his neck as she smiled up into his eyes, every inch the blushing bride-to-be.
Dora stopped in her tracks, panic washing over her. She couldn’t bring herself to walk past them, but there was no other way in but through the big wrought-iron gates.
She was just about to retrace her steps around the corner and wait for them to go when Ruby spotted her.
‘Dora! Over here!’
She saw Nick’s head whip round, caught the stormy look on his face as she forced her feet to move towards them.
‘I was hoping to see you.’ Ruby clung to Nick. ‘I s’pose you’ve heard our news?’
Dora nodded. She couldn’t allow herself to look at him. ‘It’s the talk of Griffin Street. Congratulations.’ Her throat was so dry she could barely croak out the word.
‘Thanks, mate.’ Ruby held out her left hand. ‘What do you think?’ She smiled, waggling her finger.
‘It’s – lovely.’ Dora looked dutifully at the small diamond, but she couldn’t take it in.
‘We’ve just been to see the vicar, to get it all sorted out. He can’t fit us in for a month, but it should be all right.’ Ruby giggled and put a hand over her flat belly. So Nanna and June were right, Dora thought. That explained it, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.
‘And I want you to be my bridesmaid, of course,’ Ruby added.
Dora looked up sharply. ‘Me?’
‘’Course. You’re my best mate, silly. Who else would I have?’
Dora risked a quick glance at Nick. He looked as helpless and horrified as she did.
‘Go on, say you’ll do it?’ Ruby begged her. ‘I’ll be so nervous on the big day, I’ll need you with me to help me stay calm.’
All kinds of conflicting emotions battled inside Dora’s head. Was it possible to hate and love someone at the same time? she wondered. She hated Ruby for taking away the man she loved. But looking into her smiling face, she realised none of this was her friend’s fault. She was just a girl in love, planning her wedding and wanting everyone to share her happiness. How could Dora ever think of spoiling that for her?
If anything, she should hate Nick for raising her hopes and making her promises, and then crushing her dreams. But she couldn’t do that either.
‘I’d love to,’ she said.
Ruby beamed. ‘I’m glad,’ she said. ‘And you can help keep an eye on this one, make sure he doesn’t go off with anyone else before the big day!’
Dora flashed Nick a guilty look. ‘I’ll do my best,’ she muttered. She looked up at the clock tower. ‘I must go, I’m due on duty soon.’
‘I’ll look at some patterns for dresses . . .’ Ruby called after her as she hurried towards the main hospital buildings.
‘Dora, wait!’ She heard Nick’s footsteps crunching on the gravel behind her and sped up.
‘Can’t stop, I’ll be late,’ she muttered, her gaze fixed straight ahead.
They passed the Porters’ Lodge and she expected him to leave her alone, but he kept following her, through the archway of the main buildings and out into the cobbled courtyard.
‘Dora, talk to me. Please!’
‘I can’t talk to you, I’ll get into trouble. Anyway, there’s nothing to talk about.’
‘I’m sorry.’ The desolation in his voice almost stopped her in her tracks, but she forced herself to keep walking. ‘I tried to finish it with her, I really did.’
‘But you ended up getting engaged instead?’ She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice.
‘She told me she was expecting. What else could I do?’
He was right, she thought. No matter how much she might want to scream and cry and rage at the unfairness of it all, he was right.
‘There was nothing else you could do,’ she said. ‘There’s nothing anyone can do now.’
The nurses’ home was ahead of her. But before she could reach it, Nick suddenly grabbed her, pulling her around the side of the building to the overgrown patch where nurses went to hide from the Home Sister.
They crammed together in the narrow space between the brick wall and the tall hedge, so close she could see the rise and fall of his broad chest. It was torture, being so close to him and yet unable to touch him.
‘Leave me alone,’ she whispered. ‘I have to get changed. Let me go.’
She made to move past him but he pushed her back against the wall, his body almost pinning hers. The male scent of him overwhelmed her.
‘I can’t let you go. That’s the trouble. I love you.’
He tilted her chin, forcing her to stare into his navy-blue eyes, so full of pain and tenderness. There was something mesmerising about the harsh planes of his face, with its flattened boxer’s nose and the sensuous curve of his mouth. Looking at him made her want to cry. ‘I’ll always love you, for the rest of my life. But you’ve got to understand, there’s nothing I can do about it.’ His voice was raw with emotion. ‘I can’t let Ruby go through this on her own. It’s my responsibility and I have to face up to it. I’m trapped, Dora.’
‘Why? Why did you have to do it?’ She turned on him, anger coursing like molten metal through her veins. ‘It didn’t have to be like this, did it? This is your fault . . . it’s all your fault!’
‘Don’t you think I know that?’ Tears glistened in his eyes. ‘I wish I could turn the clock back. I’d do anything for none of this to have happened, for us to be together—’
‘But we can’t be, can we? We can’t be together because of you!’ Rage, frustration and pent-up pain burst inside her, and Dora beat him with her fists. ‘I hate you!’
‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I do! I hate you, Nick Riley.’ Her fists pounded against the hard muscled wall of his chest. ‘How could you do this, how could you—’
He reached up and grabbed her wrists, pinning them to her sides. Their eyes met and locked, and the next moment his mouth was on hers, kissing her passionately.
For a brief moment Dora surrendered to him, letting her body melt against his, giving in to the clamour of her own desperate longing. They kissed with the passionate urgency of two people who knew this would be the last time for both of them. She memorised every moment, the feel of his mouth exploring hers, the taste and smell of him, the rough stubble of his skin rasping against her . . .
She broke away from him. ‘We can’t,’ she said.
‘I know.’
He sounded wretched. ‘What do we do now?’ he said gruffly.
‘We walk away from each other. We walk away and never look back.’
His eyes met hers, dark and desolate with longing. ‘I don’t know if I can do that.’
‘You must. You’ve got to do it, for Ruby and the baby. And you’ve got to do it for me, too.’
She looked down at their hands, still clinging to each other. ‘You have to let me go. And I have to let you go. It’s the only way.’
Her fingers curled around his hand. Part of her longed for him not to let go, to go on holding on to her for ever. But then, slowly, he pulled away, fingers slipping out of her grasp.
She took a deep, steadying breath. ‘All the best, Nick,’ she whispered. ‘I hope you and Ruby will be very happy.’
Mustering every ounce of strength and courage she had, she turned and walked away, her legs shaking.
‘Dora!’ She heard him call her name, but she didn’t look back. She couldn’t look back. Not ever again.
Chapter Fifty
MILLIE WOKE UP to a sea-scented breeze filtering through the faded curtains and the sound of seagulls screaming outside the window. She opened her eyes and looked across the pillow. Seb lay propped up on one elbow, watching her intently.
‘Good morning, Mrs Smith,’ he smiled.
Millie giggled, admiring the curtain ring on the third finger of her left hand. ‘Do you think the landlady believed us?’
‘Probably not. Especially when you started laughing as I was trying to sign the register.’
‘You’ll have to make an honest woman of me now.’
‘I can’t wait.’ He leant over and planted a soft kiss on her brow. ‘You don’t regret this, do you?’ he asked, his blue eyes suddenly serious.
‘Why should I? It was my idea, remember?’
It was she who had suggested spending their last night together. And she had no doubt she had done the right thing. It might only have been a humble little bed and breakfast on the south coast and not the bridal suite of the Savoy, but last night couldn’t have been more special or more perfect for Millie.
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