“It’s okay…” Trance said. Somewhere inside him, he had faith in Peter. He thought that maybe Peter will change someday and everything is going to get better. But there was also a tiny part inside him that screamed out every time for him to just run away. Far, far away from Peter. He stared at Peter, taking in his shape as Peter got up and put his clothes back on.
“I love you,” he said as he planted a kiss Trance’s cheek quickly. He then snuck out through the window. Trance laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He really was in love with Peter. They’ve known each other for a long time. But things had got to this and there was no going back from there. It was awful. This, he was aware of. If people heard about the situation he’s in, people will say he’s an idiot to keep on holding on to Peter. But he couldn’t help himself. He was in love with Peter and he couldn’t picture his life without him in it.
It’s okay to be bullied at school. It’s okay for people to look down on him. As long as the one he loves was happy, then he won’t mind. He would do anything for the one he loves. He’s just that way. So, people can call him stupid or whatever. He didn’t care. He knew that one day Peter will stand up for him. He will… He smiled a little at the thought. At a silly fantasy.
Back then, he didn’t know how bad Peter will betray him. He just didn’t know… It’s just that, when it came to the people you were in love with, no matter how obvious the lies were, you just wanted to believe in them. Love is not blind. Love just makes you refuse to see the truth.
֍֎֍
~1 year and 1 month ago~
“Are you seriously breaking up with me, Trance? Why?!” Peter shouted. That was the first time Trance, being alone with Peter, ever saw this side of him. He was in rage. And the rage was out of control. It sent shiver down Trance’s spine. But he had made his mind. He had had enough of it. Enough of pretending. To him, they were just prolonging the inevitable. It will end sooner or later. Better sooner.
He mustered up his courage to talk back to Peter. Something he never thought of he’ll ever do. To shout back. “Why? You asked me why? Well, apparently I’m tired of being an idiot, Peter,” Trance said. He was about to leave when Peter grabbed him by the wrist strongly.
“You are NOT breaking up with me. No. I’m NOT letting you go!” Peter yelled. He then pushed Trance back to the wall and raised his fist as if he was about to give Trance a punch. He really was going to hit him and that fact alone hit himself with a wave of shock. A sudden realization of his demeanor.
Trance’s eyes were widen in surprise as he looked into Peter’s eyes in disbelief. That, if the fist had landed on his face, would be a real punch. Not the ones he got at school which were supposed to be fake ones. They were alone together. Never once had Peter been violent when they were alone before. This is real. And he couldn’t believe what Peter was about to do. Feeling completely exhausted from the emotional roller-coaster, he gave up. Peter halted, realizing of what he was about to do. They looked into one another’s eyes for a moment of silence, maintaining the position. Eyes filled with tears, Trance managed to word out; “What? Are you gonna hit me here too? Is at school not enough for you? You’re getting so used to it, aren’t you?” Trance asked, feeling deeply hurt and betrayed.
Peter slowly let go of Trance as he realized that this was not right. This. Everything. Everything was wrong and for the first time, he had no clue of what to do or say. “Trance…-” He was about to apologize but Trance cut him in.
“-It’s not going anywhere, Peter. You and me…” Trance said. Pulling Peter’s hand off of him, he stepped away from his lover. Ex-lover. His eyes were filled with tears with each steps but Peter can’t see it. Peter kept staring at the blank wall in front of him, refusing to face Trance. He refused to accept this betrayal. He refused to accept this rejection.
“You’ll REGRET this!” Peter threatened. Trance could hear Peter’s yelling in anger from behind him in the distance but he ignored him and kept on walking. He never felt so free in his entire life. A weight is lifted. But another weight seems to crush on his heart as well. Conflicted, scared, but determined. He felt brand new.
21. TRANCE WILSON
~Take It All Away~
~[Please hear the voice of the soul within]~
~intro music~
I watch my soul-less self walks pass me. He can’t see me but I can see him and I have been watching his every move. I am invisible to everyone else too. I’m like a ghost attached to this place.
~You've stripped me down, the layers fall like rain, It's over now, just innocence and instinct still remain~
I saw Peter passes a glance at the soul-less me who was completely lost in conversation with the manipulating devil, William. They were standing side by side at Trance’s locker flirting with one another as it appears. There’s a hint of sadness in his Peter’s eyes that just made it hard for me to look away. So I walk to his side, aware of him not being aware of my existence.
~You watched me while I slowly disappeared, I reached for you to save me; you were frozen in your fear~
He is looking down to the floor, to the nothingness. And he seems to be lost in a deep thought. A drop of tear sparkles in his eyelids. He wipes it away slowly and walks to the men’s room. He locks himself in one of the cubicles. I follow him all the way there.
~Take it all away, Take it all away, Take it all away, Take it all away~
He lights up his cigarette and inhales the smoke deeply before exhaling puff of white smokes. I remember how he always did this after sex. Deep inhaling and exhaling from his cigarettes. Tears are streaming down on his face. He pulls up the sleeve of his shirt and he places the burning cigarette on his skin. I can hear his flesh burns. Soft and low crackling sounds. My heart burns too. He closes his eyes as if he was savoring the pain. “My dear, Peter, what have happened to you?” I asked even though I know he will not hear me. I remember what happened a year ago vividly in my head. I was betrayed by the only guy I ever loved. By him… By Peter Jennings… I started to cry too reliving the memories.
~Circling the pain inside my soul, I reached inside your silence to steal what you won't show~
They took turns. Peter was the first. Then, it was Anthony on me. He was thrusting into me. I could no longer scream as I had gone tired of screaming. I could only cry and whimper, imagining I was somewhere else and that that did not happen to me. It was happening to someone else. They were all laughing but I only had my eyes on Peter. I looked at him. I was hoping. Like those little fantasies where he’ll rescue me. A hopeless dream.
~I tried to find the answers in my fears, But what was found is lost again as soon as it appeared~
My eyes were begging him to save me. But he didn’t do anything. I had a tiny spark of hope in him. But then I gave up. My illusion was shattered. There was a streak of pity and panic across his face. But he still didn’t do anything. He pretended with all of his might to enjoy watching me being tortured. Love was an illusion. I was shattered by my own dreams.
~Take it all away, Take it all away, Take it all away, Take it all away~
Anthony was banging my head to the ground as he was thrusting in me. Yeah the pain was excruciating. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn’t. Dirt had gotten into them. Damn. I thought I was already in hell. I’ve bled far more than I’ve ever bled in my entire life that night. And I also cried far more than I’ve ever cried in my entire life... The tears seemed to flow endlessly. And then it was like the tears had dried up and I have no more tears left to cry. So I stopped thinking. I stopped feeling hurt and I saw myself lying on the floor. I was not moving. I looked around. They were still there. They looked like they were panicking at that moment. They couldn’t see the other me. I thought I was dead and had become a ghost back then.
~music break~
“Is he dead?” Anthony asked.
“I don’t know!” Noah shouted back. “Let’s just leave him here,” he suggested.
“No!” Peter said. I saw how devastated he was bac
k then. But that was only because I knew him well. He had hidden his fear so well in front of his stupid friends. “Go! Just go! I’ll take care of it,” he assured them. They all nodded and ran off.
~I'm breaking; I can't do this on my own, Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?~
He kneeled down beside me. He was trembling and then tears streamed down from his eyes. It was too late. Why the fuck would he cry over something he could’ve set right? He held out his hand to my neck to feel my pulse. “Oh my God, Trance, I’m so sorry…” he begged. He looked relieved shortly after. Probably because he could feel that I still had pulse. The tears flowed non-stop from his eyes. He then held my face with both of his hands. “Wake up, Trance… Please… Wake up!” He screamed.
~music break~
Then there were flashlights around from the other side of the woods. He quickly got up and with a little hesitation, he ran away. I saw it all happened before my eyes. I was then taken to the hospital by the passerby who had heard Peter’s screaming and came into the woods. I wished he had come sooner but fate decided otherwise. I was in a coma, not death. Though death would have been all that I had hoped for. All the while, I was there watching my unmoving body on the hospital bed. I also know of Peter sneaking into the hospital to watch me sometimes. Why, Peter? Why did you do this to me? You said you loved me. You said you wanted to be with me. Is this how you treat the person you love? I’m tired of crying. Tired of thinking. I get out from the cubicle. I should not care about Peter. He doesn’t deserve my love at all. I was mistaken to even think that he will change. He won’t change. He’ll remain being an idiot for the rest of his life and live in denial. I was stupid to ever love someone like him. If he wants to hurt himself, he can just do it. I won’t care anymore. William looks at me as I walk back to the hall of lockers. Yes. He’s the only one who can see me. Sometimes, he lets a part of me gets back into the soul-less Trance to make him feels.
~You take away, You take away, You take away, You take away, You take away, You take away, You take away, You take away, You take away, You take away~
He’s the devil who persuaded me to take revenge. Agreeing to him was a stupid mistake too. Now, I’ll never be able to escape. I’ll belong to him for eternity. I was only wanting for death back then. I never wanted more. Now I’m stuck to him. He came in a horrifying form to me back then but I can’t quite remember the details now as to how he looks. I guess that’s just what will happen to your memory if you meet with a mysterious hidden being. You could never describe them. Nonetheless, he was the only one who’s been there for me. He’s the only one who stood up for me.
~Ending music~
Maybe those people deserve what they’ll get anyway. They all should just burn in hell. Peter, too. No matter how much I loved him and cared for him. No. I will not let him get away. He doesn’t deserve to be cut loose from the revenge. They will all burn in hell.
22. PETER JENNINGS
~Pieces~
~Intro music~
I have my eyes on them when I can. They look happy together. They look so happy to be in the open like that. It just hurts. That could’ve been me. With him. That could’ve been us. I look back to the inside of my locker. A tear is hanging in my eyes. I wipe it away slowly, pretending like I hurt my eyes or something so that people won’t know that I’m actually crying. Not sure if anyone was even paying attention but couldn’t take that risk. I take the books out of the locker and walk away from the locker hall. I pull a little and cling tightly to the strap of my bag and that hang on one side of my shoulder. I walk straight into the men’s room.
Once I’m inside of a cubicle, I push the lid of the toilet bowl down and sit on it. I have a cigarette somewhere in my pocket. I search for it and when I found it, I quickly light it up. There’s an urge inside of me that I must satisfy. I inhale the cigarette deeply. This urge must be satisfied… I thought. I exhale. There’s no stopping to my overflowing tears right now. I’m deeply hurt. It hurts not to be able to let out of what you really feel. It hurts not to be able to be yourself. It hurts to let the one you love slip away. And it hurts deeper to realize… that it was all your own fault.
~I'm here again, A thousand miles away from you, A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am~
I place the burningcigarette on my skin once the sleeve was pulled up higher. I can feel the fire eating away my skin. The pain on my skin is overwhelming. However, it’s burning away the pain I feel in my heart.
~I tried so hard, Thought I could do this on my own, I've lost so much along the way~
I pull the cigarette away and look at the burn mark it left on my skin. That round part of red flesh. How pathetic. Is this the best that I can do? I cry even more at the thought and lean my head on the wall. I can’t stop crying.
~Then I see your face, I know I'm finally yours, I find everything I thought I lost before, You call my name, I come to you in pieces, So you can make me whole~
Trance… He’s the only best thing that ever happened in my life. And I just had to screw it. How stupid can someone be? I was the stupidest of all. Trance was always there for me. He had always accepted me. He just had to go through it all alone. I wasn’t there for him. I was a selfish brat. Am I regretting it? Yes, I am. But what’s done can’t be undone. Can it?
~I've come undone, But you make sense of who I am, Like puzzle pieces in your hand~
Why can’t I just go out in the open? Why can’t I just be honest to myself? Being popular and having it all mean nothing to me now. I should probably just tell everyone who I really am so that I won’t have to feel like this again.
~Then I see your face, I know I'm finally yours, I find everything I thought I lost before, You call my name, I come to you in pieces, So you can make me whole~
I miss Trance. The old him… What had happened to him? He had changed so much. It almost seems like he had lost his heart. Like he had no emotions and he just didn’t care. God, I feel really hurt remembering him looking at me in the eyes with no emotions in it at all. It’s painful to notice that. I wipe my tears away and wait for a while. There’s no more ‘love’ or ‘care’ in those eyes. They’re all gone.
~music break~
I walk out of the cubicle once I’m sure my face no longer looks like I’ve just done crying. I’ll be late for class. I speed up along the hall. I pass by William. I glance at him. He has a smile on his lips. He always has that smile. A smile like he’s about to crush me to pieces. He really hates me, huh? Perhaps he knew about me and Trance? Whatever. I got to get to class.
~I tried so hard! So hard! I tried so hard!~
“Hey, what’s up?” I said to Andy as I saw him walking into the class. We’re both late.
“What’s up? Haven’t you heard, Peter?” He asked me. He’s looking pretty messed up.
“About what?” I asked.
“It’s Chris this time. He died. God, I can’t take it anymore of this suicide circle,” he explained and commented. We both sit down at our seats.
I didn’t say anything. I was deeply horrified. Wait. Hold on.
~Then I see your face, I know I'm finally yours, I find everything I thought I lost before, You call my name, I come to you in pieces, So you can make me whole, So you can make me whole~
I remembered what Trance had told me. “And I can tell you who's next. The mastermind... Chris!”
Shit! So, it’s true… He’s behind it all. But how did he do it? How did he persuade people to commit suicide? That just doesn’t make any sense. Some drugs maybe? How did he put the drugs into people’s system? Or is it hypnotism? Where the fuck did he learn hypnotism?! William maybe! The fuck! What the fuck! I close my eyes, thinking. So, who’s next? And that’s when I remember about the list I have so I take out the list Mrs. Cuttingham gave me. I quickly crossed out each student’s names that had already committed suicide. There are 18 of us in the class. I put circles in the names of students whom I knew were good to Trance and had played no roles in bullying him
. They are Joanna, Mike, and Patrick.
I crossed Trance’s name with a blue highlighter and the last five names are clear to me now. It’s us. Those who gang-raped him… We’re the only ones left. Anthony, Noah, Andy, Justin, and… me.
23. YOUR DARKEST FEAR .I.
The electricity in Anthony’s house went out of a sudden. He jolts up from his bed, looking around at his room’s dark surroundings. Sighing, he lies back on bed. He looks at his window. As he was about to close his eyes, he notices a shadow of someone passes by outside his window from the corner of his eyes. He jerks himself up from the bed in great horror. What is that? He thought. It’s impossible for anyone to walk by his window because his room is on the second floor!
He then quickly runs to the door. He opens it and gets out. He then opens the door of his parents’ bedroom and looks down on them. They are soundly asleep in their bed, as if they had no idea that the electricity had went out. I’m being silly, he thought to himself. He then closes the door of his parents’ room and walks along the hallway. The lights are flickering now and the whole hall is lightening up again. The electricity is back. Anthony sighs in relieve. He walks back to his room feeling emotionally drained.
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