I mean, that’s sort of the conundrum if you’re trans. Straight men might not be into you for a variety of reasons. Insecure in their own straightness, they think being with a trans woman makes them gay. Ignorant, but it’s the truth. Some men have their hearts set on having biological children. That’s fine. I don’t take offense at that. Everyone should be able to pursue what they want out of life. There are other reasons, too. But you get the point.
But gay men, while they’ll sometimes take an interest in a trans woman, do so for reasons that can be even harder to deal with. I mean, they’re attracted to men, and that’s not me. If a gay man is interested, it’s because he’s either misgendering me or because he’s attracted to the parts about me that are most alien to who I really am.
At least, those are the tendencies I’ve experienced that make it hard to find genuine intimacy as a trans woman. If I were attracted to women, perhaps it would be different.
I say all that to say this: if Devin was attracted to me while I was undercover, I wasn’t sure I was the best one for him to come out to, anyway. I didn’t feel I could genuinely give him what he wanted. Not without compromising myself.
I mean, if I was just looking for a plaything… But I wanted more than that.
Maybe I was being unrealistic. Too many rom-coms on Netflix.
If Devin was subtly fishing for men (not in the New Testament sort of way) by commenting on my attractiveness, I could either reciprocate his flirtations and embolden him a bit, or I could change the subject. That seemed like the safest option—not just in terms of guarding my heart, but with respect to the task at hand.
We couldn’t afford any distractions. Even if the vampire we were sent to stake was sleeping and we could take him off guard.
Devin strapped what looked like a miniature crossbow to his wrist.
“How do those things work?” I asked.
Devin shrugged. “Well enough. Does the job. I mean, it doesn’t have the same force of your full-sized crossbow. But in my case I don’t have the best aim, so trying to take out a vamp from a distance is more of a hazard than anything else.”
“You risk missing and just pissing it off.”
Devin nodded. “This’ll do the job from fifteen or twenty feet. Any closer, I suppose I’d have to rely on a stake.”
“You suppose?” I asked. “Have you actually staked a vamp up close before?”
“Sure,” Devin said. “I mean, it’s better even if you’re staking them in their sleep, or perhaps from behind.”
I snorted. “Giving it to a vamp from behind isn’t really my style.”
Devin raised his eyebrows. “Oh really?”
“I don’t mean like that!” I protested. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Devin.”
Devin laughed. “Sorry. I knew what you meant.”
I smiled. “Sure you did. But can you imagine if someone did something like that? I mean, the church is pretty clear about how it feels about that kind of thing. And they don’t seem to care much for vampires, either.”
Devin shook his head. “It would be one abomination atop another.”
“Literally!” I said, laughing.
“See,” Devin said, “I’m not the only one with his mind in the gutter.”
I smirked and shook my head.
“I don’t share all the views of that church,” Devin said. “Or my dad’s church for that matter.”
I nodded. He was fishing again. I mean, my gaydar was sounding off like a tornado alarm. And this was not only a test of the emergency butt-buddy system, it was a warning. A whirlwind was in sight. I’d best take cover or be prepared to find myself in a heap of trouble.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I mean, who ever said that believers can’t have different opinions?”
“My dad.” Devin snorted. “We aren’t a part of the same denomination as that church, but he believes we must always strive for full and complete doctrine agreement in all things.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know much about that. Doctrine or dogma, I mean. And I realize this might be ignorant of me, but is there any reason you can’t have personal religions views without expecting the rest of society that doesn’t share your beliefs to conform?”
“What do you mean?” Devin asked, as if he’d never considered the question.
I sighed. I was afraid I was showing my cards. I really sucked at this undercover thing. “I’m just saying, a part of the reason you’re allowed to believe what you want, and the whole reason the church—the one where the Order meets—is able to say what they say is because in this country, there’s a lot of liberty. If we’re going to take advantage of that and believe what we want about whatever we want, we have to afford the same courtesy to other people, too. Don’t you think?”
Devin nodded. “Easy for an outsider to say. I mean, when everything you’ve ever known is tied to a particular church, and you’re expected to conform to certain expectations…”
I cocked my head. “I’m not…”
“You’re obviously not a churchgoer, Nick.”
I chuckled. “Is it that obvious?”
“I spent my whole life growing up around church people,” Devin said. “You’re just different.”
“You have no idea.” I grinned. “But I get the sense you’re different, too.”
Devin nodded. “You could say that.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “No one will blame you for not digging contemporary Christian music. I mean, really…”
Devin laughed. “That’s not the kind of difference I mean.”
I nodded as my eyes met his. “I know.” I quickly looked away.
We understood each other—even if we wouldn’t say it out loud. I think he knew that I knew… and I was still inclined to shift the subject.
Shift…
I didn’t intend that to be a pun. But I mean, that’s what I was really doing here. I was trying to recover my ability to shift, not counsel Devin out of the closet.
“There’s one thing we can all agree on,” I said. “Vampires suck.”
Devin laughed. “Yes, they do!”
I shook my head. “I didn’t mean… I mean, obviously they suck blood…”
Devin smiled. “Yeah, I think that’s the common thread with that church. If it sucks, they aren’t a fan. Unless it’s a vacuum.”
“I see what you did there,” I said as I retrieved my full-sized crossbow from my bag. It took up the lion’s share of space in my duffel.
Devin actually giggled a little. Sure, it was a man-giggle. Not sure if it was a reaction to his own joke, nervousness over how closely we were treading to issues he didn’t dare talk about most of the time, or because we were about to stake a vamp.
I mean, he was supposed to be the expert in this scenario. He was really, by comparison, something of a newb.
We went over most of the details in the car.
This vampire was something of a recluse. A youngling, for sure. But since vampires have the potential to live indefinitely—so far as anyone is aware—“youngling” is a relative term. Any vampire turned over the course of the last twenty years or so could qualify.
Makes sense. Most people consider humans “younglings” until they turn twenty-one. It’s why no one younger than that was allowed in Leotards and Lace. Something of an arbitrary number, I suppose. And over time, it seemed humans kept increasing the age that qualified as “adulthood” proportionate to their life expectancies.
The Order said that the vampire had been a recluse even in his human life. Worked from home, even into his mid-twenties, as a website designer.
Apparently he still maintained his former occupation. Why not? The whole telecommuting craze that the internet offered was actually a boon to the vampire community. Many of them were able to find legitimate employment, all online. A lot of them worked as freelancers.
Set your own hours. Be your own boss. Less risky than some of the old-school ways vampires accumulated wealth. Of course, the older vampires te
nded to have investments all over the place. Long-term investments because, well, that made sense. More than a few had struck it rich on the stock market.
Still a wise move for a vamp, given the growing economy. But for a youngling, maintaining a work-from-home opportunity was more than ideal. After all, before you can take advantage of the phenomenon of compound interest, you need to have a little seed money for your investments.
All in all, from what I could figure the internet had radically changed vampire culture—perhaps even more than it had revolutionized human society. Before, due to the issues involving sunlight, vamps were limited in terms of the human establishments they could frequent. Twenty-four-hour Wal-Marts were popular. But before those were a thing, from what I’ve learned, vampires acquired most things by mail order.
Now, with Amazon Prime, there wasn’t a whole lot that vamps couldn’t get. It was one of many things that allowed the vamp-of-today to blend in better than ever before. They could literally get anything they wanted with minimal risk of raising red flags to hunters.
There were also a number of modern hazards that made the sneak-in-and-stake routine more hazardous than ever. Namely, doorbell cameras and motion-sensitive security systems.
I raised my hand to stop Devin as we approached the vampire’s apartment door. “He has a Ring doorbell.”
Devin nodded. “Damnit.”
“You can be sure he has that thing set up to send motion alerts.” I nodded back down the hall, the direction from which we came. I mean, we hadn’t triggered the alert yet so the vampire inside probably wasn’t listening. But you can’t be too sure. Younglings tend to be more paranoid that older vamps.
“But this is an apartment,” Devin said, following me to the opposite end of the hall. “There must be people walking past all the time.”
I shook my head. “And I guarantee he’s in there trying to sleep with a smart phone under his pillow. He’ll check every alert. Besides, there’s only one apartment farther down the hall than this one. The traffic is probably minimal.”
Devin nodded. “Know any good ways to bypass it?”
I shook my head. “Best bet is to wait until nightfall. Take him by surprise when he tries to leave.”
Devin looked at me blankly. “But he’d be awake…”
I shrugged. “Obviously.”
“Awake vampires are more dangerous.”
“Yes, Mister Obvious.”
“It’s Captain Obvious.”
I cocked my head. “Why is he a captain? Does he have a ship or something?”
Devin shrugged. “I don’t know. But that’s what people say.”
“Ironic,” I said. “I mean, if he’s the captain of all things obvious, you’d think it would be obvious what he was a captain of. Is he a pirate? Is captain his military rank?”
“I get the point, as irrelevant as it might be,” Devin said, chuckling. “How does that help us get into this vamp’s apartment?”
I smiled. “Well isn’t it obvious, Captain?”
Devin cocked his head. “I don’t want to wait until he’s awake.”
“Tuck in your shirt,” I said. “One advantage of living in an apartment, if you’re a vampire, is the fact that there’s no sunlight in the hall. If you can’t trick his doorbell, why not get him to answer it?”
“You want to wake him up?”
I nodded. “Pretend you’re delivering food and knock on his door.”
“Wouldn’t it be good to have a pizza on hand or something?”
I smiled. “We’re talking about a vampire. You are the food.”
“You’re going to use me as bait?” Devin asked. “I thought I was supposed to be the one in charge here.”
I shrugged. “All that matters is that the job gets done, right?”
“Without getting bitten!”
“He won’t bite you,” I said. “Trust me.”
“I barely know you, Nick.”
I nodded. “This isn’t my first hunt, Devin. I’ll be waiting beside the door. I’ll stake him before he even has a chance to touch you.”
Devin shook his head. “He probably hears our heartbeats already. He’ll know I’m nervous.”
I shrugged. It was true enough. Vampires could usually hear human hearts thumping away. And a normal food delivery guy wouldn’t have any reason to be nervous simply knocking on someone’s door. “He’ll just think you’re out of shape.”
“But he’ll see me on his doorbell camera. I’m not out of shape.”
“You’re overthinking it,” I said. “This guy is still a youngling, right? I mean, maybe he has the craving under control. But he’s still going to be impulsive. If he hears your heart, he’ll find it impossible to resist.”
“But if he hears yours, he’ll know you’re hiding beside the door. He’ll expect…”
“He won’t hear my heartbeat,” I said, trying to come up with a reason (other than the fact that I didn’t have a heart) to explain why. “I meditate. I know how to stay calm. And with your heart racing, my slow beats won’t be obvious.”
“Just so you know,” Devin said, “if we die today…”
“We’re not going to die, Devin,” I said. “Trust me.”
“But if we do,” Devin said, “I’ll never forgive you.”
“If I’m dead,” I said, “I won’t blame you.”
13
“IF I DON’T look like I’m delivering food,” Devin said, “he won’t bite.”
I snorted. “Pun intended?”
Devin winced. “Not at all. But I guess it worked out.”
I smiled. “Have a Bible in your car?”
“Of course,” Devin said. “Probably more than one.”
“Go get the biggest one you have. You’re going to pretend to be a door-to-door evangelist.”
Devin smiled. “If he thinks that’s why I’m here, he’ll probably pretend he isn’t home. That’s what most people do.”
“True,” I said. “But in my experience, humans taste the same regardless of their religious beliefs.”
Devin raised his eyebrow. “In your experience?”
I winced. I really needed to be more careful with my words. “Not what I meant. I mean, in my experience vampires don’t seem to have any religious preferences when they feed.”
Devin shook his head. “This is going to be awkward.”
“Aren’t you a preacher’s kid?” I asked. “How weird can it be?”
“That’s just it,” Devin said. “Everyone expects shit like that to be right up my alley. Church stuff in general. I’ve always been held to a ridiculous standard. And if I don’t match it, if I don’t fit everyone’s expectations, it makes my dad look bad.”
I nodded. “So I imagine he was pretty hard on you.”
“You have no idea,” Devin said. “I’ll just say I’m not much of an evangelist. But I suppose I could ask the vampire, ‘So, do you know where you’d go if you died today?’”
I laughed out loud. “Wouldn’t that be ironic! But I don’t think it matters what you say. Just try and get him to step outside the door and I’ll be waiting with my crossbow to take the shot.”
Devin nodded. “Alright. Be right back.” Devin returned a few minutes later with a giant leather Bible in his hands. His name was embossed on the cover in gold-flecked lettering. But it looked pristine.
“New Bible?”
Devin shook his head. “Had it since I was thirteen. I haven’t read it much.”
“And you keep it in your car?”
Devin shrugged. “Working with the Order, it’s sort of a requirement. Didn’t think impersonating a Jehovah’s Witness was what they had in mind with that rule, but…”
“Well, you look the part.” I smiled as I loaded my crossbow and took my stance against the wall next to the door to Vampire Chad’s apartment.
“Dude, I’m so nervous.” Devin made eye contact with me just before he stepped in view of the doorbell camera.
I lifted my finger to my lips
to hush him. Some of those cameras had speakers.
Devin got the clue and fixed his eyes on the door in front of him. He pressed the circular button on the vampire’s doorbell.
The Westminster Chimes sounded from inside the apartment.
“Not interested. Can’t be saved. Go away,” a male voice said from the speaker on the doorbell.
“Sir,” Devin said, “can I just have five minutes? Not even that. Two, maybe? They’ll make me come back again until I’ve had face-to-face contact, and if you’re not interested…”
“That won’t take two minutes,” the voice, which I presumed belonged to Chad, said.
“Then ten seconds,” Devin said. “You can sign my little paper that says we spoke.”
I cocked my head, looking at Devin. A little paper? I sure hoped he had something that would double as such a prop.
“Just go away. Please…”
“Sir, I really can’t leave. If I don’t see you now, they’ll just send me back. Or someone else.”
“You don’t understand…” the vampire said. “Forge the fucking signature and leave.”
Devin bit his lip. “Sir, that would be lying. And the Bible says…”
The next thing I knew there was a click and the door to the apartment flew open. Before I could squeeze the trigger, the vampire was on Devin like white on rice.
I could fire my crossbow, but if it went through him by chance and into Devin…
Instead, I grabbed a stake from my back pocket and slammed it into the vampire’s back just as he flashed his fangs and went for Devin’s neck.
The vampire’s body went limp, and he fell to the ground.
“Holy shit!” Devin said. “That was close. I thought you said…”
“I didn’t expect him to come out so agitated,” I said. “But I suppose I’ve been visited by Jehovah’s Witnesses before, too. So who can blame him, right?”
Devin laughed nervously. “I think I almost pissed my pants.”
Gates of Eden: Starter Library Page 101