by Ava Danielle
Sunshine fills the hotel room as I wake for a new day in a city I’ve never been. Dressed in my favorite pair of jeans, a fashionable flower blouse, and my black leather jacket, I fill my camera bag with all the essentials I need and leave the room for a fun filled day. The wind nearly knocks me out as I leave the revolving door and hit the morning commute. A little café is only a few blocks away according to Google maps. I plan on getting that first cup of caffeine to get me started.
Once the cup of coffee from a very handsome barista is in my hands and I’m wandering the streets of Seattle, I remember to make the first stop at the famous public Pike Market and take lots of pictures of the food, flowers, and other crazy things being sold. I’m clicking away making sure I don’t miss a single image. Biting into an apple I’ve bought I admire Seattle’s finest – the infamous Gum Wall. What possess anyone to stick a piece of gum on a wall is beyond me, it’s definitely caught the attention of many tourists. Instead of staring at the different colors of gum, I take photographs of tourists sticking their piece of gum on a wall leaving their spit behind.
“Would you mind if I take a picture of you,” I ask a young lady as she blows the biggest bubble standing before the wall. It’s the perfect image.
Once I finish at the market I pull my headphones out of my pocket and enjoy the Uber drive to the Space Needle with Kane Brown serenading me in my ears. Noah used to make fun of me for listening to the newer Country Music. He was all about the classics, a true country boy – he would never show that off outside of his four walls though. He was a bit ashamed and assumed people would judge him for his music interests. I never held back, everyone knew I loved Kane Brown.
Arriving I sit on a park bench and decide I have finally found the right words to reply to Bennett not making him wait any longer.
Dear Bennett,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m actually currently in Seattle. It’s dreary and rainy here, but the locals say it’s normal. It’s been two weeks now and I still haven’t come to realize he’s actually gone. Even being this far away, I still wish I would wake up next to him. But I’m not going to burden you with my sadness. How are you? It’s been a while since we’ve talked. Actually, I think the last time was before Noah and I became exclusive – as adults! I don’t think high school really counts. I appreciate you reaching out so much and I wish I had the right words for this email. I know we haven’t spoken in so many years, but I would love to stay in touch if that’s all right with you. Besides Cassie, you’re the only one who’s actually reached out to me.
With love from Seattle,
Jenna
After sending the email I decide to text Cassie let her know how things are going. Her reply came quick with nothing much but I’m glad to see you’re doing good and miss you. I wasn’t expecting much since it’s only been twenty-four hours since I’ve been gone. Placing my phone back in my pocket I prepare for a magical lunch at the SkyCity Restaurant overlooking Seattle from my window. Preparing my notes on the food I’ll be devouring adding to my experience in the city. Lonely, I sit and daydream about Noah being across from me. Bravery is a big word. You think to yourself in the mornings – you can do it – but once a few hours have gone by, you wish you had someone with you to help you with bravery. Alone you have a lot of time to reflect and think back. And without Noah I feel part of me is missing. A part I’m still trying to find. It’s going to take more than a few weeks to be back to being the Jenna I used to be.
Following the perfect lunch, I take last minute images of Seattle from above. The sky darkens as a thunderstorm forms in the far distance. The thunder rolls through as I make my way back to the hotel to edit some of the images and prepare today’s story. Lighting, rain, and thunder can all be heard from inside the hotel room on the eighth floor as I overlook the city from behind the desk. The raindrops hit the windowpane. I used to lie in bed listening to the rain back home. Noah would lie next to me as we told each other stories from our childhood. It turned into a thing every time a thunderstorm would roll around.
An alert from my laptop grabs hold of my attention and I can’t seem to ignore it.
Dear Jenna,
I’m so happy to have heard from you. Seattle, huh? Well you can stay where the rain is. I’d prefer the snow actually. If you tell me you’ll be in Denver next, I’ll be there with you ;) How’s the journey? Better yet, what’s got you in Seattle? That’s far from Nashville. However, I don’t blame you for leaving this town to take a vacation.
Love,
Bennett
This emailing with Bennett has turned into a great disruption and something to even make me smile. Smiling hasn’t exactly been easy. I’ve been battling with myself to even fake a smile or two when it was socially expected. It seems the times I feel like breaking down and giving up, something disrupts it and currently, it’s Bennett’s emails.
Dear Bennett,
If only this was a vacation. A girl has to make a living, even if the world falls apart. I’ve been working for an independent magazine photographing America’s finest city. It’s a great job and a perfect reason to leave Nashville behind even if only for a little while. I get to interact with other people, eat the finest foods, and sleep in a different bed every night. It’s a great distraction. How’s life been for you? Let’s talk about something other than me for a while. How’s married life? You are still married, right?
Jenna
Unsure what to actually write to someone you were pretty good friends with but haven’t seen or talked to in such a long time. It’s like getting to know them all over again. It’s exciting, but I’m questioning why suddenly he’s showing so much interest in me. I don’t need anyone’s pity for losing the love of my life.
Dear Jenna,
That sounds amazing. Jealous. As far as for me, yeah, still married. We won’t get into that right now though. Work has been keeping me busy. I don’t know if you remember I’m a firefighter. It started mainly as volunteering and caring for the people in the city, slowly it turned into a profession I just had to seek. Many times, I sat and waited for a call to come through while stalking your Facebook page. I know, it’s crazy. I just couldn’t help it. When I learned of Noah’s passing, I had to find a way to check on you, hence the emails. I know you must think I’m crazy (I promise I’m not drinking) I just had to let you know I’m here for you – you must be alone, and no one should be alone especially at this time. Before I say something I probably shouldn’t, maybe one day we can talk on the phone and catch up.
Love
Bennett
P.S. Make sure to leave some sticky gum on the wall ;)
Bennett,
Can we just leave the dear away? I feel like we’re being formal when we don’t have to be. It’s nighttime, and when nighttime falls, it’s hard to think of anyone but Noah. I do have to say though; it’s been a little easier knowing your emails will be coming through. I try to hold on to the past, there’s nothing to hold on to. And while I’m trying to move forward, it’s like a roadblock stopping me. I want to continue on with my life, but I guess it’s not that easy when you lose someone you thought you’d spend forever with, you know? Oh well. I don’t want to sit here and tell you all about my pain. I don’t want to burden you. I try to be positive, but damn it’s so fucking hard sometimes.
Now here’s a question. You’re a firefighter. Does that mean you were at the fire when Noah died? Were you one of those trying to save his life risking your own to get him out? Whatever the answer, I won’t hold it against you.
We can exchange numbers, but I’m not sure of the words I might utter. I still break out in tears unexpectedly and I don’t need you to have to listen to the snotty nose. I ugly cry. I blubber.
Until next time,
Jenna
I shut the laptop closed beside me and ignore all incoming calls for the rest of the day. Once I’m caught up to all my work and figured out my plan for tomorrow, I rest in the bathtub thinking back to high school
. Noah and Bennett used to be so close. Okay, that might be exaggeration. They were football players, and you know, that kind always stick together. Cassie and I were cheerleaders, not the preppy kind. This is a funny story. We wanted to be closer to the sexy football players, the buff guys, the cool guys, so we auditioned for the cheerleading team on a whim. That whim turned out that we were better than we thought. We over did our cheers, put on the fakest smile, and acted as if that was our life goal. It seemed to work. For four years we put on a charade just to be able to be close to the guys. We talked so much trash about the girls, looking back now it was probably not the best of ideas and unintentional, but we had no idea then. We didn’t know better. Another funny story, Cassie and Noah dated once, not very long though. I think it wasn’t more than week. Freshman year she had the biggest crush on him. Junior year he and I started dating and just never stopped. We fell in love and everyone figured we’d break up after graduation. But instead we dated for seven years. Seven very happy years.
The next morning after breakfast in the hotel lobby, I decided to start my day a little earlier with enough time to actually enjoy every inch of the city by foot. There are so many buildings to explore and take some artistic photos of. The best part however, is a morning walk in Kerry Park to get the perfect images of the sunrise of purple, pink, and orange over Seattle. From the hill you get the ideal view of the skyline. Mentally I prepare for a trip in the evening for some flawless night shots. This city is magical and extremely inviting.
Lonely I sit on the park bench as an older woman appears next to me and strikes up a conversation. My mind is anything but eager to listen to her, but she seems as equally lonely so I respectfully listen.
“What a beautiful day,” she sighs as I nod into her direction in agreement, “my husband just passed away and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to enjoy these days alone on a bench without him.”
Her words hit me harder than expected, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” I utter feeling as if I should tell her my heartache.
“We were married for forty years. And I wish I’d died with him.”
“It just wasn’t your time yet, ma’am.”
“How are you, child?” her look never straying from the water before us.
“I’ve had better days,” I seem to open up to this lady that I’ve never met before.
“Would you like to talk?” she offers.
I choose to ignore her question as we quietly sit. Maybe a stranger will have the words I expect to hear. Maybe something she says will make it all easier for me.
“I lost my boyfriend two weeks ago,” I open up slowly.
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry to hear.”
“A fire took him,” tears form in my eyes as I swallow and debate on my next words.
Once the words have left and nothing is left to say, we sit thoughtful and reminisce about the loves we’ve lost. It’s a wonderful conversation with encouraging words to think about. Sometimes speaking to strangers will give you more solace than someone who’s known you their entire life. A stranger will give you more reason to move forward in life than you would expect. They don’t know your history, only what you’re offering to give, they can push you.
In the past, I was enthusiastic and willing to explore sights and sounds but while dating Noah it was extremely hard to express any of the feelings of my desire to explore. He was a homebody – according to him, everything we needed in life we had at our fingertips. We needed not to travel. We needed not to see anything but the wonders of Nashville. I enjoyed the city we grew up to the fullest, I always felt there was more to see but I put my dreams on hold to allow him to be happy. I never felt I needed to pressure him and hoped that at some point in life he might be ready to travel and see other cities besides the ones in Tennessee. Exploring the world now is a new high for me; one of the best feelings. Although I’m doing it all completely on my own, I seem to be finding myself. And after a week of Seattle and finally figuring out my footing, I’m starting to feel positive.
Checking my itinerary for the following week, I notice an unread email from Bennett. I admit, I’d left it sitting there for a while needing a break and some distance from anything back home.
Jenna,
I had been sitting here typing words, deleting them, typing them, deleting them because I’m not sure what words I should use to tell you what I need to tell you. I know you probably want to hear I tried my best to save Noah. I’m sure you want to hear I did my best, but sadly, I wasn’t there. I often asked myself if it would’ve made a difference. Could I have done something different than my fellow fighters? Could I be the one to tell you he’s not gone, he survived? Could I have been the one to carry him out with only a few scratches and burns? But I wasn’t. I wasn’t there and his fate laid in someone else’s hands. It’s probably not the answer you want, or even looked for, but it’s all I’ve got.
Those words weren’t my biggest struggle. These are. I’ve enjoyed receiving emails from you. I feel guilty for feeling that. I feel guilty and ashamed for still having feelings for you so many years later because my dumbass never told you. And I know you’ll probably never reply again, can’t say I blame you, but it had to be said.
Now with that weight off my shoulder.
How’s Seattle? Are you enjoying the trip? Will I ever see any of these gorgeous images? Better yet, which magazine do I need to subscribe to? I’m serious!
This is my number, please feel free to call anytime. I’ll still listen even if I have to interpret through the snotty blubber. Xxx-xxx-xxxx
Love,
Bennett
His words hit me like a freight train. I have no doubts he would’ve saved Noah’s life. They were friends. They would’ve been there for each other when it mattered, even if they hadn’t talked for so many years. However, I had no idea he’s ever developed feelings for me. I admit, he was quite charming back then with some exceptionally good looks. Then though I only had eyes for Noah. He topped my expectations and I wasn’t about cheating. Bennett respected our relationship, knowing now that he’d had feelings for me; I respect his decision to not meddle in our relationship.
Finding the courage to pick up the phone, I dial his number without second guessing it. He picks up after the first ring.
“Is this a good time?” I ask before we continue any conversation.
“Yeah, I’m actually just sitting at work waiting for a call,” he voices and I feel a smile cross his face through the phone.
“Hi,” I mutter.
“Hi. I’m glad you called.”
“Sorry it took me so long. I only just got the chance to read your email.” I admit.
“It’s all good. How you doing today?” the conversation seems a bit shaky.
“I’m actually pretty good today. I get to drive down to Portland tomorrow and enjoy all the food that city has to offer,” I brag with excitement.
“Thanks for rubbing that in. I get to eat food these guys attempt to cook at the firehouse or order pizza.”
“That’s not all that bad. How long’s your shift?”
“I got here this morning at six and stay until tomorrow at six.”
“Wow. So, you’re never home,” I wonder how to open a conversation about his wife since clearly he doesn’t like to talk about her all that much.
“That’s alright. I love my job,” he’s blunt.
“Bennett, can I ask you something personal?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“How is married life?” I swallow waiting for the answer.
“You want the truth?”
“Duh!”
“We’ve been having some problems. That’s why I don’t like talking about it.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I pause.
“Are you mad at me, Jenna?” Silence falls between us.
“I’m not mad, I’m confused,” I murmur as I lie on the bed holding the phone to my ear.
“Confused about what?”
“We
were friends in high school. I didn’t know you were crushing on me.” If I don’t say exactly what I think I’ll never be brave enough to say anything.
“Because you were in a serious relationship. Jenna, I wasn’t going to break something up that was solid. Noah was one of my closest friend, I wasn’t going to betray him.”
“So, you’ll do it when he’s dead?” Covering my mouth, I can’t believe what I had just said.
“Thanks,” he mumbles, “that’s exactly how I didn’t want it to come across.”
“I didn’t mean it that harsh, it’s just the timing is a little odd.” It’s true!
“You’re right. I’ve been having some marital problems. You lose your boyfriend. I still like you. And I never was the one with perfect timing to tell anyone how I felt.”
“That’s no excuse, butthead,” I try to lighten the conversation.
“Can I ask you something else?”
“Of course.”
“Would you meet me one day when you’re back in Nashville? For a cup of coffee or something, nothing too crazy,” I can hear his smile through the phone.
“Sounds good to me. I’d like that,” I’m honest.
Deep conversations are often best in person. And I think Bennett and I have a lot to talk about. I have no interest to cause a marriage to break up. I have no intentions of being in a relationship. And I especially don’t have intentions of being with Bennett just because he had a crush on me in high school and thinks he might have feelings for me. I also think, when we meet in person, it’s nothing like it may have been back then or what he’s envisioning. At this moment in life, it’s best if I stay single, grieve my boyfriend, and move forward in my career. Women need to make sure we stand our ground; we don’t need a man in our life and we can make our own decisions just fine.