“Why are you lonely? You have Lula. At least you have someone,” she asked, suddenly completely at ease talking to him.
“It’s worse, you know. Being with someone. If it’s not right… you feel even lonelier.” He looked sadder than she had ever seen him before. She remembered that night at the hospital when he wrapped her in his coat, the smell of his skin. A sadness overtook her and she wanted so much to reach out to him.
It was a hot night and the breeze that blew in was just hot air moving over her. Perspiration prickled on her brow and the silence was only disturbed by the new song beginning on the stereo.
“There’s a devil waiting outside your door…”
The song went on and she listened intently to the words, singing slowly up the stairs. Jackson turned to Dakota and when their eyes met, the singer began to scream against a sudden crescendo of music.
“Loverman! Since the world began…”
Dakota moved suddenly as if inspired by the surge of sound. Reaching across to him, she put her small hand on his chest. He looked up surprised and removed her hand slowly.
“Dakota,” he said shaking his head.
But she felt overtaken. His presence in the room, at that moment, was all that mattered. It was like it all made sense to her suddenly; she didn’t need to be alone, neither did he. She moved over to him and kissed him on the mouth, quickly and uncertainly, unsure how he would react. Would he slap her, shove her away? Wake up Lula?
He grabbed her by her shoulders and held her back from him, his eyes suddenly alert and sober.
“What are you doing?” he said, the grip on her shoulders tightening.
She didn’t reply. She pushed herself forward, kissing him again. The feel of his lips was like a memory on her own. Addicted, she needed to feel it again; she wanted to feel nothing else apart from how his lips made her feel. She persisted until she was kissing him hungrily, angrily, almost biting him as hot tears streaked down her face, her hands reaching for the zip on his trousers, desperate to feel more of him.
What followed would forever remain broken up in Dakotas mind. Hands and lips, her nightdress discarded to reveal her small figure, a pain that burnt up through her as he entered her quivering body. She had never felt anything like it before. The rest of the world melted away. All the sadness and loss, the loneliness was gone. She felt for the first time since her parents had died that she belonged. That she existed and mattered.
In the background, she could still hear the singer’s voice and all the words he sang became suddenly important and memorable.
“L is for LOVE baby
O is for ONLY you that I do
V is for loving VIRTUALLY everything that you are
E is for loving almost EVERYTHING that you do
R is RAPE me
M is for MURDER me
A is for ANSWERING all my prayers
N is for KNOWING your loverman’s going to be the answer to all of yours…”
THIRTEEN: Revelations
Back in the Library of Remembrance, Dakota slammed the book shut and staggered back, knocking her chair to the floor as she hit the wall. The clattering sound echoed around the edgeless room, the deep shadows returning the echoes of her fresh sobs.
The memory of that night had returned to her quiet and almost empty brain with screams and horror. She shook with uncontrollable tears as the clearness of the experience repeated over and over in her head, the smell of his skin, the pain and the elation it brought to her.
Her memory did not extend any further than that night, but she felt, deep down somewhere, that it would not be the last time Jackson Shade had touched her.
As disturbing as the memory was of her sister’s boyfriend being the one she had lost her virginity to, what made her feel sick now was a knowledge of how wrong it was, and yet her twelve-year-old self had wanted that, had instigated that. To feel loved. At any price.
Looking back at it now, she could see, with the mind of an adult, how back then her childish mind had no way of knowing how bad the situation was. The first flushes of wanting to be an adult were upon her and the loneliness she felt, that gap that existed between her and the rest of the world was bridged by Jackson, and she could not help but grab a hold of what his presence offered her.
Intimacy.
How sad she felt now to realise how dangerous those feelings were, and while she still did not know what was to happen next, she was certain that her need for intimacy being met by a man fifteen years older than her could only damage her in the long run.
If only we could have the wisdom of adulthood in childhood when it is needed, she thought. But she could remember so clearly how right it had felt at the time.
Looking up with tear-blurred eyes, Dakota could see that she was alone now; the man who had sat opposite her earlier was now gone, and the dim and sparse lamps that lit the library were flickering slightly in a breeze she could not feel. The wind continued to howl at the windows, and far into the shadows she heard the whistle as the breeze cackled through cracks and passageways she could not see. She felt dirty. She glanced up at the closed book on the table and felt her stomach tighten as she considered reading more. The song that had been playing when he came to her was stuck in her head. She recognised it as the song from her dream when she last slept. It crawled around inside her head, over and over.
Pulling herself up off the floor, she decided that she couldn’t face any more of her past yet. What she had just remembered was too much for her. She needed to get it out of her head for a while, so she speedily returned the book to its place on the shelves and headed towards the exit, lamp in hand. As she reached the door, she sensed sudden movement somewhere behind her. She turned in time to see a figure retreat into the shadows. Fear bolted up her spine as a low sinister laugh crawled out of the dark. She did not have it in her to face this now, locked away in a huge shadowy library with a rapist. Who would help her if he set upon her? It was a split second before she was on the other side of the door and running down the dark musty hallway. Cockroaches crunched underfoot and hands brushed against her as she sprinted away from the invisible spectator’s laughter and mockery.
As soon as the dim light of the Lobby came into view she felt a surge of relief. She arrived by the front desk, shaking, the lamp clenched so tight in her hand that her knuckles were white, as the flame flickered violently, oil sloshing about inside its metal body.
“I think we need to speak for a moment,” said a voice. Dakota jumped and her head snapped around to see Ariel beside her.
“I-I-I...” she managed, before Ariel placed her hand over hers and took the lamp from her. Dakota calmed slightly, her eyes still surveying the room to see who was watching her. Ariel guided her around the reception desk into a small room that lay beyond. Once inside, Dakota sat down on one of the large armchairs by the fire, and Ariel joined her by sitting herself opposite in the other chair.
“So you found the library?” asked Ariel, handing her guest a cup of tea from nowhere. Dakota was shocked, having seen no other drinks apart from alcohol since she arrived at the hotel.
“What’s this? How come you have tea? I thought we only got whisky or vodka.”
“It’s to soothe you. You are allowed soothing drinks occasionally, if they deem you deserve it,” replied the blonde-haired lady.
“How did you know I had found the library?” Dakota said, sipping at the tea, which tasted Heavenly to her.
“They know everything you do. I expected you would be in some distress afterwards. Didn’t get past the first time with Jackson, then?” Ariel said sympathetically.
“Huh… I had a feeling it wouldn’t be a one off,” Dakota muttered, the images flooding back as tears pricked her eyes.
“I know it’s hard, but you have to remember it all. It’s part of your journey, you must be made to relive it.”
“But why doesn’t anyone else go there? I only saw one person there... well two. Surely if the library is part of the ‘Journey
,’ wouldn’t they all be there, remembering?”
“You overestimate your colleagues.” Ariel laughed softly. “Everyone knows about the Library, but not many have the courage to relive their lives. These people have all done terrible things, but they cannot bear to see it all again, so they do not go there. They prolong their sentence here, through fear and guilt. But I can guarantee that there are more than two other people there – you just haven’t seen them all. It’s a big place, with many dimensions.”
“But most people remember what they did wrong! I don’t remember anything. If they already remember, how can reading it make any difference?”
“You did it, Dakota, you should know! To remember is one thing, but to re-experience everything is more traumatic than any memory. There are many very... unhinged residents here, and half of that is from the knowledge of what they did. Guilt is a terrible emotion; it can drive you mad. But everyone knows that to attempt to gain entry to Heaven, you must relive your transgressions, and that can drive you mad, too. People cannot cope with what they have done wrong, and they punish themselves further by not making an effort to get out of here.”
“This place is all about trickery, Danny told me that, and how is a person supposed to get to Heaven if it is made so damn hard!” Dakota was growing angry again.
“Whoever told you it was easy to get to Heaven?”
Dakota stared back at Ariel, finally understanding. “This is Hell, isn’t it?” she muttered.
“Hell is a Christian concept, but I think you get what it really is now?”
“If you have been bad, you have to fight to get into Heaven?”
“Yes, in a way. But the tasks that are set to you are not told to you, and every effort is made to keep you here. Hell is the absence of God, Dakota. And God has no place here.”
Dakota felt sick. She wanted to cry and scream and smash things. Maybe this was the closest thing to what Hell was perceived to be: no fire and brimstone, but despair and trickery, evil people suffering the guilt for what they had done; and their proximity to Heaven was dependant on whether they could do everything required of them, without even knowing what it was that was required of them. She was suddenly afraid, that this might be the closest she would ever get to Heaven.
“So where is Satan then? Does he have a room?” she asked half laughing.
“He’s here.” Ariel nodded as she moved in her chair.
“Where?”
“There,” she replied, pointing directly at Dakota’s chest, where her now dead heart sat silently.
“What?”
“He is in everyone. He is not a person – he is not even a He – but it’s easier to say that. When God created you, she relinquished control over you, just the same as every other human being. She gave you free will, and in accordance with the Eternal Balance of things, she gave each person duality, two very different sides to their personality. Every Human has the ability to be like God, and every human has the ability to be Evil. There is no explanation for why one person is evil and another is good. In history the balance has always been fairly good, but if you can have Mother Theresa, you must also have Hitler.
“It was unavoidable. God created you to be free and develop, evolve as a planet without her intervention. In doing so she ensured that there would always be a balance. Evil is necessary, and exists in every single human being.”
“So because there are do-gooders in the world, we have to have murderers?”
“Yes, that’s one way of describing it. But God never intended for anyone to be as evil as some of those that have come to be. Another problem is the influence the dead can have on the living,”
“What do you mean?”
“Well in the past some residents of this hotel have managed to get to the living, enough to make them evil, too. Some of the world’s most prolific serial killers are a result of possession by the dead. Unfortunately also, past life can encroach on present life. Some of the most evil people have returned to Earth in a new body and the evil was unleashed again. In a way, it is correct to see Evil as the Devil or Satan. It is an opposing force to God, and it is the one thing she cannot control. It started somewhere, with just one person, but now it is self-perpetuating and it is growing like a cancer on earth. Evil grows in one person, it rubs off on those around it, and when the body dies it returns again in a new one. Why do you think you get children who commit murder?”
“They are a reincarnation of a murderer?” Dakota shook her head, almost dizzy with the revelations. Ariel nodded.
“Sometimes things break through from the last life. This is worst when all that can break through is evil. There is nothing we can do but exist as we do. I am here to help people get to God. But I guess some people don’t want to get there.” Ariel shook her head sadly.
“I still don’t understand what I’m doing here. I was murdered. I was sexually abused by my sister’s boyfriend when I was twelve! I am the victim. Why am I here?” Dakota was weeping now, so upset that the brief bliss the cup of tea had afforded her was now long gone. She had used the word ‘abused’ because she knew that’s how it would be seen from the outside. But the minute she had said it she knew that it wasn’t right. Yes, he should have stopped her, but she remembered how insistent she was.
“You are here because of something you did wrong, in your last life or one of your previous lives – something you did not pay for by the time you died in your life as Dakota Crow. It may be that your crime was only committed in your last life, and that is why you are here, but to really understand you must look back to your other lives as well.”
“That could take me years to read all my lives. Isn’t there a York Notes edition or something?” she asked in despair.
“No.” Ariel laughed. “You will be here for as long as it takes. Use your time wisely, Dakota.” And she got up and opened the door, signalling for Dakota to leave.
Residents milled around in the lobby, distressed and disturbed. Dakota looked over them and felt despair growing in her again. It felt as though it was in the air and with every absent breath she lost a little more hope and gained a little more sadness.
She moved out of the lobby and stood outside the Bar, feeling lost and unsure of what she should do next. Deep down she knew the only thing she could do was return to the library and continue reading, but where was she to start? Should she be reading about her past lives or about her last life? She decided suddenly that she needed help; she needed someone to read her other lives whilst she read her last one.
The Bar was as dim as ever as she walked through the tables. Danny was sitting beside the bar talking to another man who was wearing a hooded coat pulled up over his head.
“I need to talk to you, Danny, if you’ve got a minute,” she asked as she came within a few metres of him. The man who was sitting with Danny got up without a word and moved away into the shadows before Dakota could get a look at him.
“What is it?” he asked, casting his eyes past her to the retreating figure.
“Who was that? Did I interrupt something?”
“No, he was just going anyway. What can I do for you?”
“I need you to come to the Library with me, and help me read up on myself. I can’t get through all my lives on my own. I need to know what I’m doing here.”
“I can’t, Dakota. I can’t leave the Bar. Who would serve everyone?” he replied with a nervous laugh.
“Can’t someone else do it?” she asked desperately.
“No, I told you before I can’t leave. Sorry I can’t help you.” He got up and made to walk away but Dakota put her hand onto his chest to stop him.
“You can leave, you can go to the library, anyone can. Or don’t you want to help me?”
“I can’t go there...”
“Yes, you can! Ariel told me anyone can go there!” She was raising her voice now, and other residents were looking over at them. Danny’s eyes flicked around nervously as he pulled her hand off him.
“No, I ca
n’t! I’m busy!” he replied brusquely.
“You mean you won’t! You fucking chicken, too scared to face up to what you did! I need your help. I’m not asking you to read your own life, just mine!”
“No! I won’t go there, now leave me alone! I’m not interested!” he shouted at her finally before pushing past her and disappearing behind the bar.
The people sitting in the Bar all murmured among themselves, sniggering and sneering at her as she stormed out.
Dakota was furious with him. Any respect she had for him was now gone and she was sure now he was trying to hinder her progress. Anger was her only emotion as she set off back towards the Library and considered that her only other friend in this place was not likely to want to go there either. Betty would rather hide away in her room than traipse down here, Dakota thought. She was so angry that all fear had left her. She stomped down the dark corridor, slapping away any hand that reached for her, shouting expletives at anything that got in her way. She felt ready to take on Woods, too, if he was still hanging about in the shadows, but she didn’t encounter him on the way or even after she entered the Library.
Further down into the shadows she could see a person or two sitting reading or crouching on the floor with books in hand, but any desire she had to communicate with other people was gone. She just wanted to carry on reading and remember everything, no matter how awful it was. Nausea gripped her stomach briefly as she sat down and opened the book at the last words written – the song lyrics that began to gnaw at her insides again. But she swallowed hard and turned to the next page as the words began to appear before her.
FOURTEEN: The Morning After
The morning after Jackson’s visit, Dakota could not eat her toast. Her body ached and she had found blood in her knickers as she rose to dress that morning. It was the first day of the summer holidays and she did not know what to do with herself. Lula would be out at work as would Jackson.
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