by Katie Knight
Nothing seemed to get her mind off Ben, and she rarely was able to go an hour without thinking of him. The second ending between them was much tougher than the first, because now she understood more about Ben, and this time, he’d had an even bigger effect on her than the man she’d met in college. Maybe it had been the intense situation, but he’d opened up to her more than ever as they’d fought their way through the untamed wilderness. Now that she was able to put herself in his shoes—a little boy who’d been abandoned by the people who were supposed to protect him—she could understand his hesitation to love, and let someone love him in return.
“I want to make Benny a card for craft time.” Logan bounced excitedly on her lap, breaking her out of her thoughts. He’d been talking about his friend Benny nonstop since their safe arrival in Fairbanks. It was clear he was missing him terribly too. She always encouraged Logan to talk about his feelings, but she wished he’d been a little less verbal about this particular situation. It made it even harder for her to move past her broken heart when she found herself hearing about Ben nonstop throughout the day. Reluctantly, she pulled out paper, Crayons, glue, and a box of miscellaneous decorations. Despite her hurt feelings, she’d never keep Logan from Ben or vice versa. If Ben wanted to be part of Logan’s life and not hers, she’d be glad for them and deal with her own emotions. She’d never let the tension between her and Ben impact Logan in any way.
With his art supplies in front of him, Logan focused intently on his work. He stuck out his tongue slightly as he colored, and then instructed her where to glue Ben’s superhero cape on the stick figure that he’d made.
“Will you write a message for me?” he asked, still coloring the background of the drawing.
“Of course, Buddy. What do you want to say?” She picked up a pen from the box of writing supplies and waited patiently.
“Dear Benny,” he said as she wrote down the words on the inside of the card. “Thanks for saving me from the bad guys and being my friend. I love you, and hope you come home really soon.”
A tear escaped form the corner of Megan’s eye at his heartfelt words and she quickly brushed it away before Logan could notice. Part of her wanted to add her own note to the card. She bit her bottom lip. The last thing she wanted to do was downplay Logan’s card in any way, or worse, make Ben think that Megan put him up to it as an excuse to contact him. Maybe she was still hoping for something that was never meant to be.
At dinner that night, Logan raced off to get the card he made when it was time to clear the dishes. “Look at what I made,” he proudly exclaimed and pushed it across the table to his mother.
Her eyes misted as Megan’s had. It seemed Ben had touched everyone’s heart in the family—because that’s exactly what the Hamiltons had become to her—family. “Oh, it’s perfect, baby. I’m sure it’s going to brighten his day to hear from you.” Susan exchanged a glance with Charles. Megan wasn’t sure what it was about but she had a feeling when Charles stood up and motioned to Logan.
“How about you and me get some ice cream and go watch a show in the parlor?”
Logan let out a happy whoop and chased his dad into the kitchen, leaving her there with Susan.
“Honey, are you okay? We’ve noticed that you’ve seemed…” Susan paused, “very down since what happened.”
“I’m just adjusting to everything. I’ll be okay.” She hated that her voice wavered slightly, making her feel weak.
“You know I think of you as a daughter. Love you as though you were mine. I know your heart is hurting for that young man, and I want nothing more than to drive down to his base and drag him back here, but I know that would both embarrass and upset you.” Susan took her hands from across the table, and gave them a quick squeeze. Tears stung Megan’s eyes. There was no pretending with Susan.
“I told you how I dated him in college. It was as though, I don’t know, the universe was throwing us together again. I thought, stupidly, that maybe this time would be different. That we’d get the happily ever after I know we both deserve.” A tear slipped over her cheek and splashed down to the table.
“Did you tell him how you feel? That you love him and want him in your life?” Her brows knit together in concern. Poor Susan had enough to worry about with her patients and Logan to be fretting over her too.
“He left me the first time. It has to be him who comes to me, otherwise it feels too much like begging him to stay. If he wants to be with me, it has to be his decision, on his terms. I need to know he loves me, not that I’ve just finally wore him down. I need to know he’s one hundred percent committed to making this work.”
Susan sighed, and patted Megan’s hands. “You’re a smart woman, who has so much to offer others. If that’s what your instincts are telling you, then listen.” She offered her a reassuring smile. “Would you like me to mail this for you?”
Megan nodded. “Thank you.” She let go of Susan’s hands, stood up, and rounded the table. She gave Susan, who she was closer to than her own mother, a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Perhaps the card would serve as closure to whatever it was they had between them. For her it was love, but for him, it clearly wasn’t the same.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ben entered his barracks and wiped the sweat from his brow. He’d just finished a five-mile run around the base with his teammates, part of their afternoon physical training. The envelope on the table had arrived in the mail yesterday, but had remained unopened. He hovered over it for a moment. Eventually, he reached out his hand and deliberated tearing back the seal. But thinking about opening it was as far as he got.
The return address had the Hamiltons’ information. The truth was he was afraid to open the envelope. Afraid that it was a letter from Megan, but even more afraid that she had no part in it. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness for the abrupt way they departed, but he found he needed it. Craved it. He exhaled, the breath leaving his lungs in a dramatic whoosh. He’d man up and open the letter after a shower.
Stalking into the bathroom, Ben stripped off his clothes and cranked the shower on as hot as he could stand. Even though he’d just had a vigorous workout, the steaming water was much needed after a week in frigid temperatures. It would’ve been nice to stand under the hard spray, but they had to meet with their commander to be briefed for their next mission at fifteen-hundred hours.
It had been two weeks since he’d last seen Megan, and every day apart from her was harder than the last. Usually there was a buzz of excitement in his blood as they prepped for a new mission, but this time the enthusiasm was missing. He wasn’t sure what to do about his feelings for Megan. Yes, he cared about his team, they were his family, but Megan, she was his heart and soul.
The guys knew something was up, and they knew it was a woman. He’d mentioned Megan, and said things were complicated, but only because he didn’t expect any solid advice. The men on his team were almost all young and single, moving from one fling to the next. The thought of meaningless sex had never been less appealing. In fact, he couldn’t picture having sex with any other woman. The only thoughts capable of arousing him involved Megan under him, over him. He’d never get bored being inside her—love changed their intimacy into something he’d never experienced before. They were connected on a soul-binding level, and when they came together in the bedroom, it was never anything less than pure bliss.
Hollowness spread through his gut, and there was an ache in his chest. Was this the life he wanted for himself? Living alone in the barracks awaiting the next classified assignment where he could easily die overseas? Before the crash, the answer would’ve been a resounding yes, but after seeing Megan again, learning how strong she’d become, and admitting to himself that he’d never really gotten over her, his answer had changed. He loved his country, his brothers in arms, but what mattered most to him was Megan. She would always come before anything else. Could he be what she needed? The man she deserved?
Ben finished his shower and yanked on his clothes. He needed t
o open whatever was in that envelope before he was briefed for their mission. He paced over to the table and tore open the seal, letting the contents drop onto the table. His pulse slowed as he looked down at the heart-shaped card. The construction paper was covered in glitter, a rainbow of pom-poms, glued on buttons—it was beautiful, and balm to his wounded soul. He instantly recognized the handwriting, even though he knew she’d written the message for Logan and not for herself. In college, Ben was constantly grateful for her copious notes that were easy to read.
Thanks for saving me from the bad guys and being my friend. I love you, and hope you come home really soon.
Tears welled up in his eyes. Home. Something he’d never had, offered by a little boy who had shown him that he was capable of love. He’d never received a gift more precious than this one, and he intended on tucking it away and keeping it forever, as a reminder of the moment he found the family he’d been waiting for. Logan had depicted him with what appeared to be a superhero cape. He let out a self-loathing snort—poor kid was way off. He was no superhero, wasn’t even brave enough to fight for Megan’s heart. Twice.
He sighed and placed the card down on the table, picked up the envelope and opened it to make sure he didn’t miss anything. His heart beat faster when he saw another note tucked inside. He sucked in a long breath and unfolded the message. It was written in a feminine script, but it wasn’t Meg’s handwriting this time.
Dear Ben:
We’ll never be able to thank you enough for bringing our baby home to us and for keeping Megan safe as well. Please know no matter how many years pass by, you’re always welcome here. Charles is talking in my ear at the moment, asking me to mention our offer once more—please know that this is always an option if you find yourself contemplating a career change in the future. Thank you for serving our country, and thank you for your service to our family.
All of our love,
The Hamiltons
P.S. Perhaps a visit would put a smile back on Megan’s face.
Ben stared down at the note. The post script had stolen the air right out of his lungs. He hated the thought of Megan’s sadness, especially because he was the one who hurt her. She wasn’t alone in her suffering. The past two weeks had been hard on him too, and if he stayed on base permanently, he doubted the ache in his heart would subside. The only remedy for that was Megan. After walking away from her twice, would she forgive him another time? He had to prove to her that he was one hundred percent committed to nurturing their relationship, that he was all in when push came to shove.
He reread the note a second, then a third time, soaking in the Hamiltons’ words. It was the closest he’d ever come to an offer of a home. And not just a home, but a career and a whole life—complete with a family. He liked being a protector, but he’d rather be there to protect people he knows and loves. Balancing being a SEAL and being a family man was hard, and Megan deserved more than a part-time man in her life.
He knew what he had to do. Ben left the barracks, not stopping until he was outside his commanding officer’s open door. He raised his fist and knocked on the frame.
Commander Randolph was in his forties, with a hint of grey on the sides of his temples. His dark brown eyes, nearly the same color as his skin, locked on Ben’s face. Randolph’s expression looked impassive, but Ben knew when he was being studied. The commander was just as sharp of mind as he was lethal, and Ben would never take for granted his good fortune that he’d been able to serve under such a strong leader.
“Shut the door, Steele,” Randolph said and leaned back in his chair. His desk was immaculate, not a paper or pen astray. He hated clutter, wanted nothing in his office to distract him from giving his full attention to whoever came to talk to him. It was almost unsettling how he read his men with such ease. He hadn’t even asked why he’d come, but he seemed to sense it was something important.
“Yes, sir.” The door clicked shut and he pulled out a chair when the commander motioned for him to sit.
“What’s on your mind?” The commander waited patiently while he gathered his thoughts. It wasn’t as though this was a split-second decision—maybe on the surface it seemed that way, but after reuniting with Megan on the plane nothing was the same and nothing ever would be again until they were together.
He tensed, then took a breath. “This will be my last mission, sir.” The words were hard to say, but as soon as they were out in the open, his shoulders felt lighter than they had in days. “I’ve decided to resign my commission. It’s been an honor to serve under you.”
“You’d forfeit your pension?” he asked, neither looking surprised nor happy about the conversation. “You’ve got to make it to twenty years before that can go into effect. Still got a way to go.”
“Yes, sir.” He didn’t need to tell him the Hamiltons were offering him more money than he could ever dream of making as a SEAL. Funds he could put away for his own retirement and his future with Megan.
“I know many of our SEALs leave for more lucrative positions in the private sector, but that’s not it, is it?” He raised one brow, while the other stayed in a perfectly straight line.
“No, sir. I will start another job eventually, but it’s not the reason I’m leaving.” He forced himself to stop bouncing his knee. Had he ever felt so stir-crazy on base before, or was he just so excited to see Meg, he could hardly sit still?
“I can’t say I’m shocked.” Randolph sat forward in his chair. “After we debriefed following the plane crash, I could tell your mind was elsewhere. You’re going after the woman you flew with?”
“Wherever she is, that’s where I belong.” His voice held a conviction that he didn’t even know existed.
“When you find your woman, you do what needs to be done.” A smile curved his cheeks ever so slightly. “I met my wife June at the worst damn time. I had just finished BUD/S and me and the guys were celebrating the best way we knew how in some shithole bar off base. She was a cop, doing an underage drinking sting at the bar. We both had demanding careers, but somehow, we’ve made it work. I’ll set the wheels in motion.”
“Thank you,” he said, relieved to have his commander’s blessing.
“I’m taking you off the mission, Steele, and rotating in someone from another team. I can’t afford to risk the mission if your mind’s on other things.”
Ben would be lying if he said he was disappointed. He couldn’t wait to make arrangements to get back to Anchorage. He had a lot of work to do to get Megan to trust that he wouldn’t leave her again, and he would enjoy every second he spent convincing her. He intended to lay his heart at her feet, whatever it took to make her see she was it for him.
He nodded and stood up, but as he turned to leave, the commander cleared his throat. “The honor was mine, Steele. Now go get your woman.”
Ben smiled, “Yes, sir.” He strode back into the hallway, and itched to sprint back to the barracks and begin gathering his things, but he had to wish his teammates, his brothers, a safe mission. As they filed into the briefing, he said his goodbyes. There were hugs and backslaps, a few cuss words thrown his way, but ultimately, his team was happy for him. It meant a lot to have their approval, too.
Maybe it had been rash to resign before trying to win Meg’s heart, but he had to show her that he was all in. There were no other options. They were meant to be together, and he would spend every day for the rest of his life proving to her that she hadn’t made a mistake with him. He was going to be the man she deserved, the protector Logan needed, and hopefully someday, a father of some children his own. When it came to Megan, he hoped the third time was a charm, but he was committed to fighting for her heart, no matter how many obstacles were thrown in his path.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Megan sat with her legs crossed on the playroom floor and watched as Logan fit together the last piece of the puzzle they were working on, completing the dinosaur scene. She’d been trying so hard to be the nanny she was to Logan before the plane crash,
but playing and laughing with a broken heart wasn’t easy.
“Nice work, Bud. That was a piece of cake for you!” She raised her hand up to give him a high five, forcing a wide smile.
“Cake sounds nice,” Logan said with an impish grin.
“It sure does, but I think there might be a rule about eating cake before nine o’clock in the morning.” Thank goodness for Logan. He was a constant source of joy and entertainment. She started to put the puzzle away when the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it,” Susan called from the first floor. She’d taken some time off work to be with Logan and to shorten Megan’s days. Of course, she had protested, but Susan was adamant that she only wanted to work half days for the time being. Logan was doing amazingly well, but he had some problems with nightmares and was a bit clingier than usual with his parents. It was helpful to have Susan there. Now that they’d gotten back into their usual routine, Megan was extremely grateful to have some additional time to herself at the end of the day. She’d go back to the carriage house, put on a pot of tea, and lose herself in a book—the only thing that could help take her mind off Ben.
“Megan.” Susan appeared in the doorway, holding an envelope. “A courier just arrived and left this for you.” She extended the letter, and Megan’s heart began to drum faster in spite of herself. Every newly arrived letter or phone call or email always gave her a second of hope that it was Ben reaching out. But this was probably just another request to do a television interview about her experience with the plane crash. She pushed up from her squat and walked across the room.