Healing My Heart

by Barbra Campbell

  I’d waited for my mom to get over my brother’s death and the cascade of hell that tore our family apart…none of it ever happened. Everyone had something they loved and lost, at the expense of the kid right in front of them, me. Even if she gave me a chance, would it hurt too much to have it ripped away when life derailed us?

  I should have let her have the space she’d wanted, and kept my focus on the only thing that proved my worth, saving lives.

  Setting my hands on her shoulders, I steadied her then stepped aside, making my way to the door. I couldn’t do it anymore. The weight in my chest already began crushing me. My glimpse at love was being shoved back into the depths.

  “Tell me about your tattoo.”

  I stopped walking. Her words were so soft I almost couldn’t hear them over the raging retreat going on in my mind.

  Her hand trailed over my arm before I was aware she’d come up behind me. Her breaths grazed my shoulder, body heat assuring me of her closeness. The distance I’d wanted her at from the day we’d met. No more. I couldn’t let her hold me at arm’s length anymore.

  I shrugged a step away. “A rash decision.”

  “But tattoos like this always have meaning. It can’t be too rash.”

  “It wouldn’t make sense to you.” I crammed my stuff into my bag haphazardly and left.

  She plopped on the bench beside me. “Sorry, I’ve always wondered. But I wouldn’t have asked if I knew it would upset you.”

  “Asking about my fucking tattoo doesn’t upset me. The rope is around the world, my world because I wanted to believe I could lasso everything and keep it safe. The red rose, notice it’s not in the lasso…like you not letting me into your world, not letting love into your world. It was a rash promise I made to myself, never to let a relationship get in my way of saving people. You were right. There was no chance for us to work. If only I hadn’t tried so hard to prove you wrong. My heart…”

  Fuck! Why couldn’t I have shut my mouth.

  Romy hadn’t moved since the second my rant started.

  I didn’t look at her. Fussing with the zipper on my bag, I failed to get it to closed and stood, not having the patience to fix it. Disappearing in the locker room, my limbs grew heavy. We’d spent our last Friday night together, she just didn’t know it yet.

  When I exited, I didn’t wait for her.

  Letting go of my plans for Romy hurt more than anything. My analytical brain determined I was grieving. Knowledge didn’t make it any easier.

  During the week I stayed in my wing of the hospital. No surprise visits. No coordinating lunches and breaks. The freedom should have relieved my schedule. Instead, time liquified into something thick and heavy that swallowed me, sucked me backward, weighed my movements.

  Every time I was near the elevator and it dinged, I glanced to see if Romy exited. Every flash of dark hair I saw in my peripheral vision made me hope she was there.

  If I didn’t have patients to save, I couldn’t have continued to exist. She meant everything to me.

  “You okay? You haven’t been acting normal all week.” a nurse asked while I made no sense of the chart I was holding.

  “I’m fine.”

  She pulled the chart from my hands. “You’ve picked the chart up three times. Take a personal day. We’ll manage without you.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Precisely what you all say, but trust me, if you work yourself to death, we’ll have to manage without you, so we stay prepared.”

  “Work is all I have.”

  “You do lots of volunteer stuff. Don’t be hard on yourself.”

  “I don’t have a family. Don’t have anyone to go home to.”

  “Did you and Romy break up?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “From our friendship, yeah. She doesn’t date doctors.”

  “Why are you two lying to yourselves. She’s been moping around, too?”

  A flicker of hope illuminated the dark corners of the vast emptiness surrounding my heart.

  Chapter 10

  Cory

  I changed my mind about not going to our Friday night session, and the week avoiding her gave me time to plan. I’d let things go as normal at the clinic, but when she showed up at the rec center, we had to discuss the rumors head on.

  Arriving early, I settled myself on the bench. When I saw her at the end of the hallway, I motioned for her to have a seat.

  Her brows furrowed and she switched her bag from one hand to the other. If we couldn’t have an adult conversation, we didn’t have a chance anyway.

  “Romy, we have to get this whole rumor thing out of the way.”

  A visible gulp confirmed the talk was going to be as uncomfortable as I’d assumed. She paused then said, “Okay.”

  He motioned between the two of us. “We’re friends. Good friends. We work together, play together. And I’ve never met someone with as much passion as you. Most people can’t meet me as an equal, but you do. Don’t you feel it? Trust me. I can handle anything.”

  “I should have talked to you about it, or I shouldn’t have mentioned it to anyone else. I’m sorry.” Her head hung and I wanted her to understand we could move forward.

  I squeezed her hand. “Water under the bridge?”

  She lifted her gaze to meet mine. “Why are you nice to me?”

  “Have you ever listened to a word I’ve said?”

  Romy tugged at the end of my beard nearly toppling all the resolve I’d worked up to have the conversation. She closed her eyes for a second. When she reopened them, she let go of me and said,

  “I was embarrassed that I didn’t trust you. That I spread Jessi’s stupid shit so I could keep telling myself you were like the other doctors I’d dated. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met. I couldn’t believe you showed up for our date last Friday after what I did.”

  “Date?” The rest of her words mended the tears in my heart, patched the holes, and gave me hope. But ‘date’? She used the single word she never granted me. My body nearly shook with elation. The tiny slip of the tongue revealed volumes.

  “Whatever.” She waved a hand dismissively.

  “But you said date…did you mean it?”

  “A friendly date. I mean, whatever.” Her cheeks flushed and she refused to meet my gaze.

  I reached for her shoulder but she slunk away. The temptation to force the issue, step closer and prove to her she could never hide from me was overwhelming, but like I’d come to learn with her, I had to use restraint. A sharp exhale relieved the tiniest bit of my frustration. “Romy. I can’t keep playing this game. I can’t replace your bad relationships with new memories if you won’t let me. If you can’t see I would do anything for you, you’re blind. Maybe you aren’t ready. But I can’t protect my heart anymore. My drive to save everyone. It’s because my big brother died during surgery. The surgeon was having personal problems and they clouded his decision making. My mom never got over his death, and my dad never got over her depression.”

  Her attention shifted from the wall behind me to the floor between us. Everywhere but me. The way she ran her life…everything but me. “I’m so sorry.”

  “My goal was to rise above all of it. I was even ready to get over you spreading rumors about me. There’s no public trial for me to defend myself, and if anyone wants to believe the worst, I can’t stop them.” My own comment sunk in. The issue wasn’t whether general hospital staff wanted to believe the worst of me, Romy wanted to believe the worst. She knew better and chose to ignore the truth.

  “Why would you forgive me?”

  “Nobody’s perfect. No relationship is perfect. I’m not willing to strike us down before we give it a real chance. But you have to fucking talk to me.”

  “And say what? You’re perfect and I should bow down to all of your wishes? I’ll quit my job and be a submissive trophy wife? I’ll look the other way when you have an affair? Not my style?”

  “Good because I like the fire I saw in you when we first met. Y
ou’re too good at your job to quit, and I’d never cheat on you.” We wanted the same things, devoted our lives to helping people, and Romy had to see we’d be a force to reckon with if we did it together. “And I’d be able to concentrate a lot better if I wasn’t constantly trying to figure out what I had to do to win you over.”

  “You can’t be certain you wouldn’t have an affair.” The split second her eyes met mine, I saw an inkling of trust betraying her thoughts.

  “Yes, I can. I’d never cheat on you. No woman has ever derailed my life the way you have. No one has ever entwined themselves into every brainwave I have, without exception. I can’t even decide what to eat without wondering if it’s something you like, or would you put ketchup on it, or if you prefer your noodles more al dente.”

  “And when you figure out what I like to eat, you’ll set your sights on your next conquest. You’re too perfect for me.” She furrowed her brows but studied the damn racquetball court like there was something more than white walls and a wooden floor to see.

  “What the fuck?” Poor choice of words. Anger boiled through my body. Not at her, at my inability to break through her hurt, her pain. Anger at every asshole who made her think she couldn’t trust a man. A sane man would have questioned my obsession. From the moment I’d met Romy, sanity had taken a hike. Did she not understand?” Did it matter?

  I couldn’t hold stop myself. I grabbed her hand. Her delicate fingers, small in mine, fueled my need to protect her. She would never have to fear again. Her life should be full of happiness, and I wanted to be the one to guarantee it. “Romy, I felt something the minute we met. I wanted to scoop you up and steal you from the world. But I sensed your spirit, your passion for everything you do. I couldn’t disgrace you by taking it all away from you. I want to see the spark in your eyes, and if sharing you with the world puts it there, so be it.”

  Pulling her hand out of mine, she rushed through the locker room door.

  Fuck! My heart ached like someone had slammed it with a racquet, but instead of bouncing off, the strings sliced through my fragile organ, leaving it in pieces.

  Not being able to help Romy was the biggest failure of my life. Somewhere between wanting to respect her as an individual and desperately wanting to ease her pain, I floundered over what to do.

  I tossed my crap in my bag. This couldn’t be the end. The way I responded to her confused me on numerous occasions. Why couldn’t I walk away, or let her. Was there such a thing as soulmates? Could fate be so cruel as to put my soulmate in front of me then tie my hands behind my back?

  Years of medical school and internships were nothing compared to agonizing over what to do about Romy. Going home to think on it wasn’t likely to help, but if I stayed, I was going to push her farther away. I dug through my bag to find my keys. They must have fallen to the bottom.

  Digging through it, my heart stopped. I’d kept the trophy ball she’d given me on the day we met. It had its own plastic package even though there was room for two more balls in it.

  I sat on the bench, popped the lid off the container, and dumped the ball into my hand. Rolling it until the heart was face up, I considered my next move. She hadn’t known I was a doctor when she’d drawn it. The Romy I fell in love with. I shuddered at the thought.

  A shudder passed over me. What if we’d met in the hospital? She would have thrown her defenses up before she had a chance to feel anything for me.

  That was it. She’d felt something for me. The heart proved it.

  I jumped up, tossing my bag to the side. One last ditch effort.

  “Hello,” I called into the women’s locker room. No answer. The sound of a shower, Romy’s shower. I entered, keeping my sight downcast in case someone was there and hadn’t answered, but I couldn’t keep my distance from Romy anymore.

  At the end of the bay of showers, I scanned along the lower edge of the stalls to see how many were occupied. Only one was on. “Romy.”

  The irregular splashing of water stilled and the sound of a steady stream filled the air.

  What a fucking idiot. Too late, I couldn’t retreat. She was going to admit there was a chance for us, or I’d leave her alone forever. Being celibate the rest of my life hurt like hell, but I couldn’t imagine thinking of another woman, much less being intimate with one.

  Equally painful was how much it took for me to resist pulling the shower curtain back, knowing her naked body was behind it. She would hate me until the end of time, and I wanted better odds than that.

  I backed against the counter to force distance between myself and Romy. It didn’t help that I could see her feet. She’d stepped back against the wall, or close to it, and the water fell between us.

  My dick begged to make things work out with her, and I had to rub a hand over it to calm myself. If anyone walked in, I be put on a perv list for sure.

  Why the fuck didn’t she say anything?

  “Romy. Explain this.” I extended my hand so she could see the ball, and more specifically the heart.

  “What?”

  “I’m against the sinks, not going to try anything sneaky. You’re going to have to look.”

  Her foot moved forward, red painted toe nails capturing my attention. The shower curtain wiggled, drawing my gaze up.

  Sure I wanted to rip it back, but more sure I wasn’t going to. I continued to hold the ball out, unable to admit she might simply ask me to leave. No, she would tell me to leave.

  Her feet were close, she had to be debating what the hell to do.

  The flutter of the shower curtain caused a ripple effect through my chest. My breath stopped and I couldn’t let it out until the edge of the curtain peeled back enough for her to pop her head out.

  I’d said nearly everything I could. Telling her I loved her wasn’t going to help the situation any. And I had no way to back it up. No way to show her what was in my heart. The ball would have to speak for me, remind her I wasn’t the only one who’d been overcome by something when we met.

  Water plastered her dark hair around her face. She’d removed her makeup and I was overcome by the sensation I’d breached a secret part of her world. Her true self, no façade, and I tried not to think about her nakedness, a whole other level of her true self.

  Whether she wore it or not, she was gorgeous.

  I wanted her for too many reasons to count. Would she curse me for wanting to see her naked? The likelihood was terribly unjust.

  It took a second for me to take in the treasured sight of her before I realized she was staring at the ball, mouth ever so slightly agape. My dick twitched and I cursed the damn thing for trying to undermine me.

  She bit her lower lip and my body reeled in agony, having wanted to kiss her lips for so long. Wanted to love her. Wanted to bring her pleasure in every sense of the word.

  The steam, the water dripping down her face…they almost masked the shine taking over her eyes, but I’d memorized her too closely to miss it. My intent wasn’t to make her sad, and damned if I ever wanted her to cry, but this had to be addressed.

  Again, I reminded myself that approaching her while she was naked would be a terrible choice. My desire to wrap my arms around her and comfort her had to go unchecked. It left my heart flailing wildly inside my chest, searching for any weak link in my ribs to escape.

  “Romy. You game me this. Then you shut me out.” I had to drop my gaze to get the next words out. “If you deny have feelings for me, I’ll walk away.” The rest of my monologue lodged in my throat.

  The grout lines between the floor tiles gave me somewhere to focus in the painful seconds that passed like decades. Enough that they aged me, showed me I wanted more than work out of life. My attraction to Romy was deeper than the surface and she’d leave trenches in my soul if she denied it had hit her too.

  “You kept it?”

  What the fuck was I supposed to do with it? I pulled it to my chest. My plan wasn’t working. I squeezed my fingers around the ball and prepared myself for the worst. “
A lovesick fool from the start.”

  “Wow. I didn’t—”

  “Stop.” I tossed the ball a couple of inches and pushed off the counter, my eyes remaining downcast. Respect for her situation? Hiding my embarrassment? I couldn’t bear to hear the words.

  Striding toward her stall, I extended the ball, and hoped she’d take it so it wouldn’t go rolling across the floor if I had to drop it. I wasn’t keeping it if that’s not what she’d intended.

  Why the fuck wasn’t she grabbing the ball? I paused, giving her a second if she was readjusting to reach for it without exposing herself. My head was cocked to the side, away from her and away from the mirrors.

  The slight brush of her fingers while we exchanged the ball would have been a glorious promise under other circumstances. Needing a quick escape, I waited for a tug and I planned on letting go.

  Hot, wet fingers slid over mine.

  Fuck. “Take the damn ball. Give it to someone who isn’t a doctor. Someone who can be everything you deserve.”

  Pathetic wasn’t in my nature, but without Romy in my life, I was going to have to regroup. She’d given me a taste of love. By her mere presence in my life, I’d learned that my life needed to be saved as much as any of the kids I operated on. Only I’d been wrong. She wasn’t the one to save me.

  “Cory. I didn’t think it would mean anything to you.”

  “You were wrong.” I wanted to loosen my fingers, but every last second of contact with her gave me hope. I prided myself on quick-thinking and not second-guessing myself, but even at the forefront of rejection, I couldn’t let go of the belief we were meant to be together.

  “I see that.”

  Clamping my eyes shut, I had to get away from her. Delaying the inevitable wasn’t going to make it easier, nor would it change anything. Leaving on my terms with a sliver of pride intact was all I could salvage.

  Releasing my fingers from around the ball, I withdrew my hand from hers.