The bishop stood up and clasped Zane’s arm, giving him a sympathetic smile as he took his seat beside his parents once more. I saw a woman beside Mrs. Turner trying to comfort her, and was shocked to realize it was Kristie Walker’s mother. It made me feel even worse that I’d forgotten all about her disappearance from a few years before. I’d been so wrapped up in myself I’d neglected to realize there were so many others who’d suffered the same kind of loss. I hated the person I used to be. I felt Tim trying to calm me down, but I ignored him. There was no way I would be able to calm down.
The bishop started his sermon again, but I wasn’t listening. I was just staring at the back of Zane’s head, wondering how I was going to make it up to them.
After what seemed like minutes, people began standing and moving toward the door. Tim stood and pulled me with him, whispering, “Come on, Aimee. The hard part is over.” Then he gave me a squeeze and a small sad smile. I looked up at his face and saw he’d been crying. I had never seen boys cry before today, and I never want to see it again.
Before I knew it, we were outside again in the bright sun, waiting to give our condolences to the family.
Tim was wrong. This was definitely the hardest part of the day. I was about to come face-to-face with the family I had ruined. I can do this, I have to do this.
Turning to Tim, I gripped his arm. “I can’t tell you how much…” I took a deep breath and swallowed, letting the breath out slowly. “Thank you for today.” I gave him a small smile. “Really, I don’t think I would have gotten through that without you. I needed to be there, so thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Aimee.”
I looked over at the Turners. “I have to go and talk to them,” I said, a little unsure of myself.
“Yeah.” He gave me a sympathetic smile.
I turned back to the Turners, wondering if I was doing the right thing by going over there. “I’ll talk to you later?” I asked Tim but never took my eyes off Zane.
He said nothing but squeezed my hand. I started walking toward the family when I heard, “I can’t believe she came,” whispered behind me.
Were they talking about me?
“Joan Turner is a mess,” I heard another woman say, and I froze. “You would think she would have enough common sense to stay away.”
I didn’t turn to see who it was, and I didn’t care. They were right. I couldn’t do this. I needed to get away from here.
Of course, I wasn’t thinking clearly, because I ran in the opposite direction of my car. I was angry with myself for running off, but I didn’t even have the courage to tell the Turners how sorry I was. I was a coward. I deserved everything that happened to me including when the heavens opened up.
Fuck my life.
How could the sun be beating down on me one minute, while I had sweat pouring down my back, only to be wet and cold and stuck in a Texas thunderstorm the next?
My dress was soaked and my feet were numb. I actually didn’t mind the feeling. I thought about going back to my car, but where would I go once I got there? I had nowhere to go.
I wasn’t sure how long I walked in the rain. It felt like knives cutting into my skin, but I welcomed the pain. My teeth were chattering, and I was emotionally drained.
Why did God leave me here and take her? I can’t be here anymore.
Memories of Maddy filled my mind. It was fate telling me what I knew all along. I could chalk my life up to a series of endless, selfish moments. I never did anything for anyone else unless I could get something out of it. Maddy helped people. She didn’t deserve to die, I did.
I stopped suddenly in front of our old elementary school. I could see the swings on the playground, and I wished I could go back to those days when life was simpler, and our biggest worry was who was going to push us on the swing. Maddy’s house was only a few blocks away. I had walked miles.
I owed it to Maddy’s family to tell them how sorry I was. I needed them to be angry with me. I had caused them so much pain.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly trudged my way down the empty streets. It had stopped raining about an hour ago, but my clothes were still wet and clinging to my body. Night was falling, and I was sure the Turners would have returned home by now. If they hadn’t, I could wait on their porch until they did.
I climbed the steps to her house on shaky legs. Holding my hand out to the door, I couldn’t bring myself to knock. I watched my hand as it hovered in mid-air. I’d lost my nerve. Once again, I was going to take the easy way out. I couldn’t believe myself. I was spineless. I just couldn’t do this after all. Then to my shock, the door opened, and in front of me was the one person I couldn’t face.
Oh, God, I think I might throw up.
“Aimee? Is that you?” Zane asked, turning on the porch light, his expression suddenly panicked. “Good grief, what happened to you? Come in here. I need to get you some dry clothes.”
This was already not going the way I’d planned. He wasn’t supposed to be nice to me. He was supposed to yell and scream at me. I would have been more than pleased if he had punched me in the face.
Instead of my worst-case scenarios, he was pulling me into the house. I didn’t want to go in. “No, wait!” I cried, trying to stop before crossing the threshold. “I have something to tell you, and then I’ll leave; I promise.”
Zane looked at me for a second, and pain washed over his face. He glanced at me briefly, and then looked away. “Let’s just get you in here, and then we can talk about whatever it is that you feel the need to say.”
I was so confused. Wasn’t he supposed to hate me? “Don’t you want to hit me or something?” I said in a small voice.
He chuckled but continued to move me into the living room. “I’ve wanted to punch you since the moment we met. For the first time, I’m actually glad you’re here. I really could use a friendly face.”
He was teasing me, but it felt so strange. The humor was forced and awkward. I was not used to seeing Zane this way. Most of the time when I came to Maddy’s house, and he was home, I followed him around like a puppy. He, of course, never gave me the time of day, but I sure tried to get him to notice me. I’d been a huge pain in the ass.
“Yeah, well, I’m sorry for being so obnoxious all those times when you came home,” I said, giving him a small smile. “I would have probably wanted to hit me too.”
“Oh, come on,” he said with another small laugh. “I won’t admit it to anyone else, but it was a huge boost to my ego,” he said, giving me a little smirk and a wink. “You were pretty relentless.” Then he sighed and ran his hand over his face. “It’s been a pretty emotional day.”
“Where’s your mom and dad?” I asked
Zane sighed again. “Mom’s not feeling that great, so Dad took her to bed early.” He smiled grimly.
“I’m so sorry, Zane.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“Have a seat. I’ll be right back with some dry clothes,” he said as he fled the room. I felt pretty lost just standing there, but I didn’t want to get any of their furniture wet from my damp clothes.
Eying the couch, I thought about the countless times Maddy and I had fallen asleep on it after watching a movie marathon and feasting on endless calories. Tears clouded my eyes, as I got lost in my own thoughts.
I jerked when I heard Zane return. He held out a towel, which I took and wrapped around myself.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
We shared an awkward moment of silence until he said, “I brought you some of Maddy’s sweats. I didn’t think you wanted to drown in mine.” Then he held her pink sweats out for me, and I broke down. There was no way I could wear them.
I finally found the nerve to say what I’d came here to say. “I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. Please stop trying to be nice to me.”
All at once, I was w
rapped up in his arms—the place I’d longed to be since I’d turned thirteen. For so long, I’d fantasized about him hugging me, kissing me, and letting me love him long, but this moment was bittersweet. Instead of melting into his embrace, I recoiled from his touch.
“No, you can’t comfort me. I came here for you and your family, so I could tell you how I took Maddy away from you. You need to know what a horrible person I am so you can hate me. Please let me have that.” I sobbed and brought the towel tighter around me, trying to hold myself together.
“Aimee, we’re all worried about you. You need to know that,” he said, touching my arm and trying to comfort me. “You’ve been through a horrible ordeal.”
“Your family is worried about me?” I choked on the words. “Why? It’s my fault. Maddy would be here safe in her bed if it wasn’t for me. Can’t you see? I’m a monster.”
This time he seemed to hesitate, but when he realized I wouldn’t fight, he put his arms around me. “Maddy made her own decision to go to Padre. No one could have predicted this would happen. You can’t take responsibility for things that are out of your control.” I cried into his chest and listened to him. “You have to let go of these feelings of guilt or they’ll consume you.” He pulled me away and looked at me. “We can’t to lose you too.” He hugged me again and said, “Do you want me to call your mom for you?”
I huffed as my teeth started chattering as a wave of exhaustion swept over me. “I don’t think she’ll care, to be honest.”
“Why would you say that? Of course she would,” he said, as his lips brushed the top of my head.
“She wants me to make a career out of all of this.”
“What?”
“My darling mother wants to profit from the kidnapping and Maddy’s death. What sort of mother does that?” I was distraught and didn’t know if I was making much sense.
“How is she doing that?” he said, getting angry.
“By trying to get me famous, I guess.” I sighed “And when I don’t do as she asks, we fight. I’m just so tired, Zane, and I can’t do this anymore. I don’t belong here anymore. I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t even know who I am any longer. I’m so confused,” I ranted until I realized I’d balled his t-shirt in my hands.
“Sh, it’s okay Aimee.” He pulled me down onto the couch with him and rocked me in comfort.
I was crying again. I just hadn’t realized how much I needed the comfort and care. I needed this more than I could have ever known.
We sat on the couch with Zane hugging me and rubbing my back. For the first time since I’d returned from Mexico, I closed my eyes and felt at peace.
AT SOME POINT, I MUST HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP. WHEN I woke up, Zane was gone, and a warm blanket was wrapped around me instead. I could tell it was still early morning, but I couldn’t hear anyone else awake.
I was suddenly very uncomfortable being in the Turner’s house without them present. I unwrapped myself from the blanket and looked around on the floor to find my shoes. Zane must have removed them at some point. He was so wonderful. His future wife would be a lucky woman.
Thinking of the Turners, I might not have said everything I needed to tell them, but I hadn’t come over here to be comforted either. I needed to get out of here before they woke. Mr. and Mrs. Turner didn’t need to see me first thing in the morning to remind them of everything.
The Turners were truly the nicest family I had ever known. If Maddy only knew how much I envied her life. I should have told her how great she had it. To be a part of such a loving family that took care of you no matter what. I wished I had that.
After slipping on my shoes, I stood and looked around the room, thinking that this might be the last time I would see it. A pang of sadness pierced me.
Through the parted curtains, I saw the start of a new day. The rain left and the sun rose. I couldn’t bring myself to leave, but I knew I had to.
Where would I go? I couldn’t imagine going home to my mother. I didn’t think she would care regardless. What about Dad? Could I go and stay with him? I knew he wouldn’t want me either, due to the lack of contact he’d had with me over the years.
Last night was the first time since the kidnapping that I’d actually felt safe and slept without nightmares. I opened the door, but before I could leave, I heard Zane’s voice.
“Oh, my God! They can’t leave us alone for one day! For the last time, we’re not interested in giving any interviews! Leave us alone!” I held onto the door, not sure what to do as Zane came around the corner. When he saw me at the door, he looked surprised.
“Aimee?” he questioned. “I thought it was someone wanting an interview. They haven’t left us along since we heard about Maddy,” he said, then tilted his head to the side. “What are you doing? I thought you were asleep.” He came over and grabbed my arm, pulling me back inside the living room. “You weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye, were you?”
“I…I didn’t think I should be here when your mom and dad woke up,” I said quietly. “I just didn’t want to put you in an awkward situation with me being here.”
“Oh, Aimee, they would love to see you, and you don’t have to leave.” I could see the pity in his eyes, but I was so miserable I didn’t care. “Plus, I’m cooking breakfast.” He smiled, looking proud of himself.
We walked back over to the couch, Zane not letting go of my hand. “You look like you could use some food. You’ve lost so much weight,” he said reaching for the blanket and wrapping me up again. “I’m sorry I left you alone, but I wanted to check on Mom and Dad and find out if they wanted something to eat. None of us have had much of an appetite lately, and unfortunately, I’ve ruined everything I’ve tried to cook so far,” Zane said, squeezing my hand.
“Do you need any help?” I asked with a shrug.
He laughed dryly. “I could use all the help I can get. Maddy was the cook in the family. I think I may burn the cereal. Come on, let’s go to the kitchen and see what other things I can burn.”
I tried my best to help, but truth be told, I was also hopeless in the kitchen. Mom and I had always had a cook to prepare our meals, and I was ashamed to tell Zane that the idea of burning cereal was the least of my worries. If he noticed my inept culinary skills, he never said a word. Most of the time, I just sat back and watched him work. Occasionally he would ask me to hand him something, but I guessed that was just to make me feel useful.
Finally, when he’d plated the last of the pancakes and sausage he’d prepared, I heard voices coming down the stairs. I looked at Zane with a panicked expression, and he came to stand beside me.
“Don’t worry. I promise you they’re not angry,” he whispered in my ear.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner stood wide-eyed as they took in the scene. No one spoke, and time seemed to stand still. I swear that all of the air was sucked out of the room, and I began to have trouble breathing.
Looking back at Zane’s worried face, I could see that he was saying something to me, but I couldn’t hear anything. I think I must have fainted, because when I opened my eyes again, I was back on the sofa. However, this time I was not alone. Mrs. Turner was holding my hand.
“There you are. We thought we might have to get you a doctor for a minute there.”
Abruptly, I sat up, pulling my hand from her grasp and feeling dizzy. “Mrs. Turner, I’m so sorry. Oh, my God, Mrs. Turner.” It was all I could get out from my jumbled brain.
Before I could pass out again, she put her arms around me just as Zane had done earlier. This time, I didn’t recoil. I leaned into her and held onto her shirt like a lifeline, crying uncontrollably as she rocked me back and forth.
“It’s going to be okay, honey,” she whispered into the top of my head.
“How can you say that? She’s gone, and I was basically the one who killed her.”
A dif
ferent voice said, “You were not the one to kill Maddy. You’re a victim in all of this as well.” I looked around and saw Mr. Turner sitting in a chair next to the couch.
Pulling myself from Mrs. Turner, I shook my head. “No, it is my fault she went there at all. I’m the one that came up with the crazy plan about lying to you. I’m so, so sorry. I should’ve never helped her come with me. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I wish it were me instead of her. I wish I was dead, and you had Maddy back. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for putting your wonderful family through this.”
Mrs. Turner let out a sorrow-filled cry, and reached for her husband. He grabbed her hand but stayed strong as he looked at me. “Aimee, you need to listen to me. You were always a wonderful friend to Maddy, and she loved you. You cannot sit there and tell me that you forced her to go with you to Padre.” He paused and looked at me sternly. “We know Maddy, and she was not one to be ‘forced’ into anything. In fact, I’m pretty sure she begged you to help her go. When she got something in her head, there was very little to deter her.”
Mrs. Turner wiped her eyes and said, “You can’t blame yourself. There are horrible, horrible people in this world, but you, my beautiful girl, are not one of them.”
I didn’t believe their words for minute, but I also would never argue with them. “Do you want to hear my story about the night I left Maddy? That might change your mind about me.” I sighed and lowered my head.
Mrs. Turner reached for me again, “As far as we’re concerned, you did what you needed to do in order to survive, and we both know that Maddy would be very proud of you.” Her voice was thick with emotion, and she took a deep breath. “Aimee, you survived, and that is what Maddy wanted for you.”
They didn’t want to hear how I left her? They didn’t want to yell at me and hate me? This was all too much. My own mother had not eased my fears, but in the last ten minutes, these two people, who’d just lost their daughter because of me, made me hate myself just a little less.
Mistakes Page 18