by T Gephart
Leaving them to dance with apparently no regard for their feet, I hobbled—my new heels killing me—to find a place to sit down. There wasn’t much available, a stool I could barely get my ass on, my only choice.
Despite originally wanting to keep things with Mack casual—and possibly date other men—I had been unable to stop thinking about him. He’d been on my mind when I slithered into the only sexy bra and panties I owned. A smile on my lips as I poured myself into a fitted dress that I was positive made me look too curvy. Not that I understood it, but he really seemed to like my body, putting his hands all over it like he couldn’t get enough.
It felt good.
Not that I wanted to be the kind of woman who needed external validation, but having someone appreciate me didn’t make it a bad thing either.
And what a someone he was.
So good looking, so sexy, so . . . everything, and I could barely wait to see him again. I’d messaged him earlier in the day, but it hadn’t been enough, about to get another fix and text him again when my phone rang.
Mack.
It was ridiculous how much seeing his name pleased me, the alcohol and the heat from the club no longer responsible for the tingling of my skin. And since being out of character was the theme of the night, I decided to continue, answering the call before it had a chance to go to voicemail.
“Hello.” I smiled so wide my cheeks hurt. “I was just thinking about you, let me just get somewhere I can hear you better.”
Shuffling off the stool, I moved toward the bathrooms. The hall wasn’t private—people lining up to use the toilets—but at least the music wasn’t so loud. “That’s better.”
“You at a club, Hayden?” He laughed, his voice sounding sexier than should be allowed.
I rolled my eyes, willing to come clean even though it made me look like a hypocrite. “Yes, yes. I know. But I still maintain my position, even if I’m willing to concede they aren’t always terrible. I’m with my manager, if you can believe it. Not as good an idea as it originally sounded, my feet are killing me.” I leaned up against the wall, the tequila and my shoes not helping the situation. “Where are you?” I was trying to make it sound sexy but wasn’t sure if I was managing, concerned I sounded clingy and possessive.
“Not with you,” his response came without hesitation. “Any chance we could change that?”
My heartbeat quickened, my body getting hot as I grinned on the phone. “I thought we were seeing each other tomorrow?”
“We are. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you right now as well.”
He said all the right things, things I hadn’t even realized I wanted to hear. Like he innately knew. I took a deep breath, already feeling the regret. “It would be rude if I left. I don’t have many friends, Mack. Probably wouldn’t be a good idea to ditch the ones I’ve just made.”
The alcohol was making me more honest than I’d intended, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was between a rock and a hard place. Penny had been so generous to include me, it felt wrong to leave because I had a better offer. Even if that offer was one I really wanted to accept.
“Why don’t you have many friends?”
He’d always been careful never to push. To let me volunteer as much or as little as I’d wanted, but I knew he had to be curious. And whether it was because my defenses were down or I just believed he wouldn’t hurt me, I wanted to tell him.
“The divorce. I was the one who asked for it, so they all sided with him. It doesn’t matter that he moved on and I’m still alone, they still chose him.”
“Are you still alone, Hayden?”
I felt dizzy, worrying it was the wrong time to have the conversation. I hated that I couldn’t see him, couldn’t look into his eyes and try and work out what he was thinking. But deep down I knew that if he’d been in front of me, I’d probably not have said any of it.
“I don’t want to be, Mack, and that scares me a little.”
“Do I scare you, Hayden?”
“Never.”
There didn’t seem to be a scenario where Mack could scare me, the possibility almost laughable. But I wasn’t laughing, knowing it was too soon to be having feelings that weren’t just sexual.
“I should go.” I fumbled to think of an excuse. “I’m sure you want to get back to doing whatever it was you were doing.”
“Hayden, wait. I need you to listen to me and know that none of it requires a response, okay?” He waited for me to agree before continuing. “I’m deleting the profile, the app and tossing out all the other messages, and I have no expectations from you. Not unless you decide you want to do this with me, then I’ll have a few. One of them is getting to know you, not just fucking you. And I understand that might not be what you want right now. And if that’s the case, fair enough. But I think you owe it to yourself to work it out.”
I felt my throat tighten, the inexplicable urge to cry prickling at my eyes while my skin heated. It was both beautiful and soul destroying at the same time, and all of it felt too much.
He was right.
I didn’t know what I wanted.
I’d thought I’d wanted just sex, but I wasn’t so sure anymore, and giving him up felt impossible.
“They thought I was a boy.”
I should have ended the call. He’d said he didn’t need a response and I should have listened to him, said goodbye and seen him tomorrow.
But I didn’t.
“Who thought you were a boy?”
“My parents. It’s why I’m called Hayden. They were so convinced I was going to be a boy they didn’t even have a girl’s name picked out for me. When I arrived, they figured they’d go with it anyway. And a few years later, they eventually got their son when my brother was born.” I took a breath, knowing if I stopped, I’d never go through with it. “Don’t get me wrong, they loved me, and other than reminding me how much of a screw-up I am, they’ve never done anything to hurt me. But it kind of stuck, you know. That I was a replacement. There by default. And ironically, it’s how I’d felt in my marriage. Cooper was everything they’d hated initially.” I laughed, remembering my mother’s face when I’d brought him home. “I think that’s why I was with him. I mean, I had feelings for him, but I guess I wanted someone just for me. And at the start, it was so good. But things changed, and I think deep down I’ve been fighting my whole life, you know? First to prove that I’d earned a right to be born, and then with Cooper that I could make him happy. So you see, I’m not even sure I remember what I want anymore.”
It was sooooo much.
So much to dump on a guy I’d met less than a week ago on the Internet, who wouldn’t have signed up for the drama if he’d only known. But about the only thing I was positive about was, I was tired.
Tired of fighting.
And tired of battling an invisible voice that told me I wasn’t enough.
“Hayden?” My name broke the silence.
“It’s okay, Mack. I’ve just had too much to drink and should have known better than to answer the phone.” I closed my eyes, cursing the tequila. Why couldn’t I have rambled about how hot he was?
“Tell me where you are.”
“Why?”
“Because there are a lot of clubs in New York. And while it will be quicker if you just tell me where to go, don’t think I won’t look through every single one until I find you if that’s my only option.”
And boy, I didn’t doubt for a second he would too. Stomp through every door, breaking down any barriers until he found me. But hearing me teary and vulnerable was one thing, seeing it was entirely worse. And I wasn’t sure I could do that.
“Mack, it’s late and I’m a mess and—”
“And I don’t care about any of those things. What I do care about is seeing you tonight. You don’t even have to talk to me. Just let me come get you and drive you home. Pretend I’m your Uber driver.”
I laughed, the idea of Mack as an Uber driver—hilarious. I bet his rating would be awes
ome though, all his women passengers taking sneaky shots of him to share with their friends. Maybe even some of them trying to seduce him, and give him a tip of a different kind. Like bad porn. Which just made me laugh more.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, not having the benefit of my internal dialogue.
I chuckled, deciding that even though I was messier and emotional than I would have liked, I wanted to see him too. “Nothing, I’m at Chase in SoHo, do you need the address?”
“Nope, I’m in Midtown, see you soon.”
And with his last goodbye, the call ended. Me still standing against the wall for support, the phone still pressed at my ear. And my feet still hurting.
“There you are!” Penny’s face was flushed but still magically sporting perfectly smoky eyes. “I was worried you’d left without saying goodbye.”
“No, I just needed the bathroom and got a call.” I held up the phone, shaking it in my hand. I didn’t bother to mention I’d never made it to the bathroom.
She grabbed my arm and yanked. “Cool, so come back out on the dancefloor. I promise, no more shots.”
As tempting as her offer was, even if Mack wasn’t on his way, I’d already decided to call it a night. Not sure if it was my feet, the drinking, or the emotional retrospective, but I needed to go home.
“Actually, I am probably going to go.” I winced, knowing I was punking out way too early for Penny’s liking. “I really appreciate you inviting me out, and I did have a good time. But honestly, this just isn’t me anymore. And I’m okay with it.”
Her brow furrowed in disappointment, like she was genuinely sad. “So you’re going?”
“Yeah, I called . . . an Uber.” I grinned, trying not to laugh. “But seriously, I can’t thank you enough. Maybe keep me as an alternate or if you have a movie night or something. I’d totally be down for that.”
She laughed, probably thinking she’d rather be dealing with shitty customers at work than having a movie night. “Okay, so come out and wait with us until your Uber gets here.”
Agreeing, I followed Penny back out to the main part of the club, the music still thumping uninterrupted. Her friends had momentarily stopped dancing, hydrating at the bar before their next session. We ordered some drinks. Water for me, and vodka and soda for Penny—because while she said no shots, mixed drinks were apparently still okay—and chatted while I waited. I wasn’t even sure what car he drove or if he would walk in, checking my phone a couple of times for a message in case he texted.
“Whoa,” one of Penny’s friends, Laura, coughed out. “He’s so hot.”
I didn’t even have to look to know it was Mack, but turned all the same. There he was, striding toward me with purpose and looking so sexy I wasn’t sure I’d be able to talk.
Dressed completely in black, his gaze didn’t move from mine as he got closer. God, Laura was right. He was sooooo hot. “Hey, do you have a coat?” His hand went around my waist. “It’s freezing outside.”
“Wow, is that your Uber driver?” Penny laughed, her eyes getting wide. “I am definitely using your app next time.”
Mack’s lips edged into a cheeky grin. “Hi, I’m Mack.”
“No, you’re gorgeous,” Laura crooned, sliding to his side and rubbing his pec muscles suggestively. “Are you available later to drive us home? I’ll pay double.”
“Actually, he’s . . .a friend. My friend.” I straightened my shoulders, ready to peel her fingers off him one by one if it was necessary. Turns out, it wasn’t necessary with Mack having already removed her hand. “And we should go. My coat is checked up front.”
Penny leaned in, attempting to be discreet but failing miserably. “Go you! I want to hear all about it on Monday.”
I shook my head leading Mack away from the giggling circle, feeling like I should be embarrassed, but not able to care. “They’re drunk, ignore them.”
“You’re assuming I give a shit,” his grip around my waist tightened. “Or that I could pay attention to anything when you’re around.”
All the right things.
My body snuggled against his, matching his strides until we got to my coat. And even though I was more than capable of doing it myself, he helped me get into it. “I’m parked around the corner.”
“So you never told me where you were before. Were you out with friends?” I hadn’t even noticed that my arm had snaked around his back, holding him just as tightly as he was holding me.
He pressed his lips to my forehead, kissing me gently. “Ironically, I was at a club myself. In Midtown with some of the guys from work. Seems like we both might have to reevaluate our stance on hating clubs.”
“Oh, did you want to go back? You don’t have to take me home.”
We stopped walking, his hands settling on my hips. “Hayden, I’m here because I want to be here. So no, I don’t want to go back.”
I nodded, knowing we’d eventually have to talk about what I’d said on the phone but wanting to prolong it a little more. “Thanks for coming to get me.”
“Don’t mention it.”
He drove exactly the kind of vehicle I’d expected, a big black truck. It was relatively new, the headlights lighting up as he hit the fob as we stopped in front of it.
“You know, you still haven’t told me where you live.” He opened the door, waiting until I was settled into my seat before walking around and climbing into the driver’s seat. He buckled in and started the ignition, reaching out for my hand. “I can just take you home, Hayden. I don’t have to come in if you don’t want that.”
“I want you to come in,” I squeezed his hand. “And I live in Inwood, near the park.”
I rattled off the rest of my address, easing back into the seat as he put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. It was hot, the heater blowing warm air through the cabin as I unbuttoned the top of my jacket. He was the first man I had ever brought back to my new condo, and I was both excited and nervous at having him in my space.
Like he’d sensed my tension, he turned up the stereo, the familiar sounds of Stone Temple Pilots making me laugh. “Is that the radio?”
“Hell no,” he grinned. “I made a playlist on Spotify.”
There was no way of knowing if our planned date had inspired his collection of tunes or it was something he already had. But I liked it more than I cared to admit that I might have something to do with it, or that he knew playing it would make me feel more comfortable.
Getting all the way back uptown in Friday night traffic was going to take some time, it was bumper to bumper with a sea of brake lights in front of us. I didn’t care though, happy for it to take all night as I rolled my head to the side and looked at him. “Were you serious about deleting the profile?”
He turned, nodding without hesitation. “Hayden, you’re the only message I ever answered, and the only reason I didn’t delete it immediately was because you hadn’t given me your number that first night. It was the only way I could contact you.”
“That was intentional,” I admitted. “You were only supposed to be a . . . well, I’m not sure what the hell you were supposed to be, but I wasn’t supposed to see you again.”
“Why?”
“I just figured I’d meet someone, have meaningless sex and then move on. I wasn’t supposed to like you. You’re not easy to forget.” I had kept away for what? A few hours before I caved and answered his message? Clearly I’d been terrible at keeping up my end of the bargain. Not that I regretted that night, or answering that message later.
He laughed, “I’m not apologizing for that. And I never intended to sleep with you that first night. Hell, maybe I did? All I know is that I’m not a one-and-done kind of guy, especially not with you.”
It was weird to hear him talk about it. Not really saying exactly what he wanted, just that he wanted more. I wasn’t sure if it was intentional, or if he was genuinely willing to work it out along with me. But what I did know was there was no pressure. No anxiety building in my throat, needing
to have it all planned out. And that was so liberating I was almost giddy.
Inwood was a world away from Midtown. It was still busy, but less congested, missing the insanity of the inner city. I loved my home, glad I could still be in Manhattan, but far enough so I didn’t feel like a tourist.
“I haven’t been out here in years,” Mack pulled up to my apartment building, bowing his head to see out the windshield. “My brother and sister-in-law had an investment property out here for a while, but sold it when they moved to Florida.”
“Your whole family lives out there?” I asked, wanting to keep him talking. Partly to know more, and partly because I didn’t want the night to end. I had no idea if he was going to try to be a gentleman, or give us what we both seemed to want.
“Yep. My brother and his family moved first, my parents followed soon after. Just me here now. Some extended family, and Riley and Quinn of course.”
He looked so beautiful.
The light reflecting off the glass of the windshield sharpening his features, his eyes darker and everything else more rugged. He looked huge, his broad shoulders and looming frame took up so much room in the truck, it would be easy to be scared. He could break me into a million parts if he wanted to, and there would be little I could do.
But even knowing all of that, I saw something else. A tenderness that contradicted all those hard edges, a kindness in his eyes I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen.
If Mack had some kind of agenda, then I had no idea what it was. But I couldn’t believe that the man I saw in front of me was anything other than perfection.
“What are you looking at?” He smiled, his finger tracing the edge of my chin and reminding me I’d been staring.
I shook my head, not sure if it was the alcohol or something else making me so philosophical. “Nothing.”
His smile got wider as he leaned closer. “You know I don’t believe that, but I’m not going to push you if you don’t want to tell me.”
God.
Who was this guy?
“I’m worried you’re too perfect,” I answered honestly, wondering if there wasn’t something dark and terrible headed my way. “But right now I’m more worried about getting out of your truck and walking up to my condo alone.”