Humpty Bumpkin

by Sam Cheever

  He gave me a speculative look. “You’d actually go out of the house like that?”

  “Yep. Hair sticking up like a porcupine’s girlfriend. I do it all the time ” I bit the inside of my lip to keep from smiling at the look of `horror on his face.

  Fortunately he was saved from responding as we pulled up on the stone ranch that housed Brats versus Broads. He stopped the SUV at the curb, directly in front of a massive sign that showed a cartoonish female character with long dark hair, wearing superhero garb and yielding a whip. Facing off with the “Broad” was a masked baby in a diaper bearing the stars and stripes and pointing a bottle that shot lightning bolts at his nemesis.

  I chuckled like I always did when I saw the sign.

  “Well, I’ll be...” Hal murmured. “You weren’t kidding.”

  I snorted out a laugh. “Come on, let’s get this interview over with. I’m starving.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  True to the fun-loving theme of the day care center, the interior was thick with giant stuffed animals and all possible manner of toys. Large posters of super heroes covered much of the open wall space and the floor was dotted with blocks, books, and an impressive array of toys. Seated among the toys were about a dozen kids of various sizes and ages. I judged the oldest to be around five and the youngest was an infant.

  Lori Pickering was holding said infant and feeding it a bottle. She looked up when we came inside and scanned a look over Hal. The way her eyes lit up at the sight of him, I figured she either remembered him from that morning, or was giving definite consideration to making him her baby daddy.

  I waved and threw her a smile that felt a bit tight. I was starting to wonder how Hal got anything done with women practically throwing themselves at him all the time.

  An unexpected shriek sent both Hal and me straight into the air, just as the world’s tiniest super villain leapt into view. The dark-haired desperado gave us one, hostile glance and then took advantage of our discombobulated state, shoving his plastic gun into the spot on Hal’s body nearest his line of sight.

  Hal jumped back with a short bark of pain and I pressed my lips together to restrain a grin.

  “Stick ’em up, mister!” the kid demanded.

  I just had time for the irreverent thought that my poor embattled PI might not be sticking anything up for a while, when Lori suddenly appeared at my elbow. “Billy Rogers! What did I tell you about assaulting people with your pistol?”

  I had a feeling that sentiment would be a recurring theme in Billy Rogers’ future.

  The little boy, who looked to be about three years old, twisted his cute but clearly evil face into a belligerent scowl. “You’re not the boss of me.”

  “Actually,” Lori told him with a quick glance at Hal. “I am the boss of you. Now you apologize to this nice man right now.”

  Belligerent Billy crossed short, fat arms over his chest and stuck out his bottom lip, clearly refusing to buckle to “the man”.

  Or, in this case, “the woman”.

  “Do you want to go into time out?”

  Personally, I thought that was a stupid question. Nobody wanted to go into time out. Did they?

  Scanning a look over Hal, whose handsome face was greener than usual and a bit pinched looking, I adjusted my thinking. I was pretty sure he’d enjoy time out if there were no assault pistol attack toddlers there.

  “Uh uh,” Billy admitted, no less belligerent than before the threat.

  “Then apologize right now.”

  Billy continued to glare at her a moment longer before giving in. “Thorry.”

  Hal looked at him as if he were a particularly nasty type of bug.

  “Now go and play nicely. We’re going to have lunch soon.”

  That happy thought sent Billy haring loudly around the room, threatening everyone with his plastic weapon.

  Lori gave Hal’s offended area a sympathetic look. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

  Hal cleared his throat and I got the distinct impression he was afraid to speak for fear his voice would be all high and squeaky.

  “Do you need a band aid or something?” I asked, with saccharine sweetness.

  He glared in my direction. Then he very pointedly dismissed me, focusing on Lori Pickering. “I don’t know if you remember me...”

  “I do!” she nearly screamed. The baby in her arms jerked under the unexpected heft of her exclamation and gave a short cry before latching hungrily back onto the bottle.

  She flushed slightly. “You came by the produce stand earlier.”

  Hal nodded. “I don’t think I introduced myself. I’m Hal Amity.” He offered her his hand and she shifted the infant so she could shake it. “Lori Pickering. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  Judging by the way she was undressing him with her eyes, I could only presume that was a vast understatement. I suddenly found myself very motivated to drag her gaze away from Hal. “We need to ask you some questions about the other night,” I said in my most official tone of voice.

  Lori looked at me, blinking rapidly. “What other night?”

  “The other night when a dead guy ended up in my woods.”

  Someone sucked air behind me and I jerked around to find a small girl with long, blonde curls looking up at me through eyes that reminded me of those big-eyed cartoon creatures.

  I’d always found those to be a little creepy.

  The little girl clutched an upside-down rag doll in one pudgy hand and nibbled on her perfect, pink rosebud lips. “Thomebody died?” she asked while imploring me with tear-filled eyes. “My doggie died. It made me thad.” She sniffed loudly and I turned to Lori, totally out of my element.

  Lori glared at me before crouching down beside the little girl and murmuring soothing nonsense to her.

  I glanced at Hal and found him giving me judgy eyebrows.

  “What?” I asked in a harsh whisper. “I didn’t know she was skulking around back there.”

  He shook his head. “Inside voice, Joey.” That was when I saw the humor sparking in his sexy green gaze.

  I gave him a twisted grin.

  “Let’s keep our voices down, shall we?” Lori said to no one in particular. Even though everyone there knew exactly who she was talking to.

  I fought the sigh trembling on my lips. It had been a while since I’d been reduced to feeling like a naughty child. “Thorry...I mean, sorry. You heard about the chipper thing in my woods?”

  Lori nodded. “Everyone has.”

  Her statement wasn’t the generalization it appeared to be. If I knew Deer Hollow...and I did...the murder would be a regular topic in every home within a fifty-mile radius.

  “We think the chipper was pulled into the woods with an ATV vehicle. Do you remember seeing or hearing anything early that morning?”

  Lori shook her head. “I actually got to the stand about a half hour late that day. I overslept.” She flushed prettily. “I’m sure your guy was long gone by then.” She shuddered. “But I’m not happy to hear how close I was to the site and the...” She glanced quickly around to make sure there were no more pint-sized eavesdroppers. “...body.”

  “You didn’t pass a vehicle with an ATV on your way to the stand?” Hal asked.

  “No. Sorry.”

  “Did you hear anything? Engine sounds in the woods or up the road a bit?” I asked.

  She barely looked at me. “Nothing like an ATV, no. I wish I could be more help.”

  Hal produced a business card and handed it to her. “If you think of anything...”

  Nodding, she took the card, her fingers skimming his. Then she frowned. “Hold on. I didn’t see or hear anything that morning, but there was someone who might have.”

  “Who’s that?” I asked a little too eagerly.

  “Heather Masterson was there. She was up on the ridge when I arrived, sketching the sun rise.”

  “Did it look like she’d been there a while?” Hal asked.

  “It did, actually. She’d sprea
d a blanket or something on the ground and there was a thermos of coffee next to her chair.”

  “Thank you,” Hal said, reaching to grip her hand again. “You’ve been very helpful.”

  I thrust my hand in her direction. “Yeah. Thanks, Lori. We actually have an appointment with Heather in the morning. We’ll ask her about it.”

  Lori dropped Hal’s hand but didn’t take mine, only nodding with an assessing look in her hazel eyes.

  A door opened at the back of the room and an older woman with graying brown hair stuck her head through. “Lunch time!” There was a red strap around the woman’s neck, tied in an oversized bow. When she moved aside to allow the little terrorists to flow through the door, I spotted the drape of a long, red cape against her well-rounded hip and grinned.

  As the kids filed out of the room, Lori went to put the infant into a crib across the room and Hal and I made a quick exit, plunging through the exterior door like we were being chased by slime-coated aliens.

  AFTER THE STRESS OF being assailed by rug-rats, Hal and I decided to walk the four blocks to Sonny’s Diner to clear our heads. Hal was limping slightly and I had a feeling he was trying to shake off something more than residual trauma from being exposed to snotty noses and judgmental toddler gazes. But that was pure speculation on my part. Backed up by a slightly scientific knowledge of the outcome when a plastic laser gun is applied with toddler-like force to the male genitalia.

  I gave him a sideways glance. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m perfectly fine. Why?”

  My lips twitched. “No reason. I just noticed you were limping.”

  He frowned but didn’t respond. In fact, we walked in silence until we reached the diner and he opened the door for me. I ducked under his arm, doing a quick scan of the restaurant to see who was there.

  I’d been hoping Lis would be there, schmoozing and catching up, but if I’d thought about it I would have known better.

  Lis didn’t eat. She subsisted mostly on air and water. I supposed there was probably some nutrition value to pollen. After all, it did come from plants.

  Max hurried past, carrying two glasses of water and a pair of laminated menus pinched between her elbow and her side. “Sit wherever you want, Joey.”

  Hal took my arm and led me to the back wall, where a skinny guy with pimples was just finishing up wiping the table top. “Hey Jimmy,” I said cheerfully. Jimmy Boston had been two years ahead of me in school, which made him twenty-six. I couldn’t believe he still had a face full of zits at his advanced age.

  “Hey, Joey.” Jimmy skimmed Hal a look and turned away without another word. He’d always been socially awkward like that. I didn’t know if it was the zits and greasy, too-long hair, or the fact that his mama had a long history of dabbling in Meth.

  Between a horrible home life and a high bullying quotient at school, I’d always felt sorry for him. His life hadn’t been an easy one. And I’d always tried to be nice in an attempt to make up for those who weren’t.

  I slid into the booth and Hal took the opposite bench. His sexy green gaze scoured the place, looking for heaven knew what, and then focused on the door.

  I tapped his menu to try to draw his attention back to the most important thing. Lunch. “The chicken and noodles are really good here. Or the breaded pork tenderloin sandwich.”

  He nodded but didn’t look away from the door. I wondered what he was so interested in, so I looked. There was a big, black SUV parked across the street in front of Lester’s Hardware. “Is that...?”

  Hal nodded. “Maybe we should go...”

  Max suddenly appeared at the table, giving us a weary smile. “What can I get you two?”

  “I’ll just have the soup,” Hal told her, barely looking away from the window as he spoke to Max.

  “I’ll have the chicken and noodles, please. Just water to drink.”

  Max looked at Hal. “Something to drink?”

  He shook his head and then blinked, looking up at Max. “Do you have any more of that banana cream pie?”

  “One slice,” Max said, grinning.

  I’d gotten excited when he asked the question but I deflated at her response, sighing dramatically.

  “I’ll take the pie too,” Hal told her.

  I pulled my phone out and checked emails for a few minutes, irrationally irritated at my PI. I was glad he was with me, but I was starting to worry that I wasn’t going to get another slice of Max’s pie until he went back to Indianapolis.

  Oh well, I thought. I could always order a pie all for myself if I needed to. I couldn’t replace the feelings I had, having Hal’s protection and...other things...around.

  The bell over the front door jangled and I looked up from my phone. My pulse spiked. “Dangit.”

  Hal reached across the table and patted my arm. “Don’t say anything. He’s just trying to harass you. Don’t let him know he’s having an effect.”

  Easier said than done, I thought. But I hated Cox enough to make the effort. If only to cause him frustration. I looked up and forced a smile as he approached the table.

  “Ms. Fulle. Mr. Amity.”

  Hal and I nodded, remaining mute.

  Cox stood awkwardly at our table, his gaze hostile. “You’ve been very busy.”

  I flinched. It hadn’t occurred to me the man would have us followed. I’d been naïve. Of course he would follow us. He believed I knew where the magical “something” was he thought my parents had hidden.

  I opened my mouth to say something biting but Hal clasped my hand in his, giving it a warning squeeze. I was momentarily distracted by the warm strength in that hand and Hal spoke before I could.

  “Miss Fulle has told you she doesn’t know anything. If you’ve been tailing her you’re interfering with her Constitutional rights.”

  Cox snorted as if the very idea of a Constitution was ridiculous. “Ms. Fulle is a person of interest in my investigation whether she likes it or not.”

  Heads turned in our direction from the tables and booths around us. I’d hoped the general hum of conversation would protect us from nosy diners, but I should have known better. The people in that diner knew the moment somebody new came inside. They’d taken Hal’s measure immediately, their speculative gazes reflecting a keen interest in his presence there.

  I figured the rumor mill had been torn between assumptions that he was my new boyfriend, and conspiracy theories that he had something to do with the government and my parents’ death.

  Option number two was about to take precedence. News of Cox’s statement would spread through the town like wildfire in a drought.

  I silently cursed Cox’s very public harassment.

  “I told you I don’t know anything and I don’t,” I informed him angrily, despite Hal’s grip on my hand. “If you don’t leave me alone I’m going to get a lawyer.”

  “And what?” Cox asked, laughing meanly. “Sue the U.S. government?”

  A soft gasp sounded behind me and I could feel additional gazes sliding our way.

  Hal squeezed my hand so hard it hurt and then released it. “Mr. Cox, can I speak with you outside please?”

  Cox narrowed his gaze on my PI and then shook his head. “I don’t think so, Mr. Amity.” He looked at me again, poking his finger against the table. “I’m not letting up until you help me find what your parents stole, Ms. Fulle.” He lifted his hands. “All you need to do is cooperate. If you truly don’t know where it is then you have nothing to lose.”

  “I don’t even know what it is, Mr. Cox.”

  His jaw tightened as he looked down at me. “Then you shouldn’t mind if we...”

  “Excuse me.” Max stuck a bony elbow into Cox’s gut and he jumped back as if he’d been touched by a live wire. She settled our lunches onto the table and turned to him. “If you’re here to eat you need to take a seat. My customers don’t come in here to be harassed.”

  Cox seemed to be considering sliding into the booth next to me but Max crossed her arms ove
r her chest and gave him the evil eye.

  He finally laughed as if he didn’t care and jabbed a finger in my direction. “I’ll be in touch, Ms. Fulle.”

  The entire diner watched him walk away and, as he pushed the door open they cheered. Cox stiffened with anger at the obvious snub. I would have smiled if tears weren’t sliding down my cheeks.

  “Can I get you anything else, honey?” Max’s voice was gentle. She put a hand on my shoulder as I shook my head, sniffling.

  “Okay. Just let me know.”

  She left and a beat later conversation started back up around us. I put my head in my hands and tried to regain my equilibrium. The chicken and noodles I’d been looking forward to eating no longer held any appeal. I pushed the plate away.

  Hal didn’t say anything. He simply pushed the plate with his banana cream pie over in front of me. I looked up, surprised and pleased. “I can’t eat your pie,” I told him in a water-logged voice. Though I absolutely could, given even the slightest encouragement.

  “I got it for you. I noticed how disappointed you were when I got the last piece before.”

  Fresh tears filled my eyes and I swiped at them, embarrassed. “That’s really nice...”

  “No. I owe you that pie. Just eat it. Maybe it will take the Cox stink out of your day.”

  Despite myself, I barked out a laugh.

  The man was almost too good to be true. I wondered if he was genuine. Then a beat later I realized I didn’t care.

  I had pie.

  So, I put my head down and started shoveling it into my mouth.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Despite Hal’s earlier statement that I could pay for his meals, he insisted on paying for lunch. I was picking at my chicken and noodles, which, despite the pie and Cox’s intrusion into my life, I’d managed to mostly eat, when Reverend Smythe from the Lutheran Church stopped by my table.

  He gave me a serene smile. “Hello, Joey.”

  I quickly wiped broth off my lips. “Reverend Smythe. How are you?”

  He indicated the opposite bench. “May I?”