Ella haunted the piss out of me the night I fucked Megan in the same room as her picture. And it had been fucking with my head ever since. All my coping mechanisms just weren’t cutting it. I was doing the best I could to balance my feelings and not hurt Megan, but every now and then I sensed it wasn’t working. It was a harsh reminder why I never brought women back to my place.
When I turned away from Regina, I found Jacob staring at something off in the distance. I followed his line of sight and stiffened. Looking like a damn wet dream with her black hair pulled back into a tight bun low on her head and her glasses perched on the bridge of her nose was Megan. My body immediately took notice of how contradictory her appearance was to the wildcat I knew her to be. Her serious and intellectual look was the stuff of fantasies. Especially when you knew what was underneath those clothes. She was so damn alluring that I was going to embarrass myself if I wasn’t careful.
“Isn’t that Megan?” Jacob asked, nudging me with his elbow.
“Yeah. I believe it is.” My eyes tracked her movement. She had called me this morning to let me know she was taking on an extra shift for one reason or another. What I wanted to know was what the hell she was doing here, unaccompanied no less.
I watched as she met up with John. She kissed his cheek before following him back towards the interrogation rooms. She was going to pay for that display of affection with another man.
“I wonder what that was all about.”
“I’m not sure.” But I sure as fuck was going to find out. I cleared my throat before taking a step in that direction. “I’ll catch you tomorrow, I have something I need to take care of.”
* * *
Megan
I had worked myself into a frenzy by the time Leonard pulled up to the police station. It was so unlike me to unravel the way I was. I couldn’t help it though. Between being exhausted—a twenty minute power nap in the last thirty-two hours wasn’t cutting it—and knowing there was a lunatic hunting me down, I wasn’t thinking very clearly. Which was why things imploded around me the way they did.
John wasn’t exactly thrilled when he ushered me into an interrogation room, shut the door and then was hit with the greeting card literally from hell. He immediately lost his cool.
“Are you fucking kidding me? That sorry ass motherfucker was in the God damn hospital?” He bellowed. In that moment, I wasn’t so sure that his personal connection to this case was a good thing. It might seem he was more apt to lose objectivity. This was confirmed with his next statement, “I’m going to have all their sorry asses fired when I’m through with hospital administration.”
“You can’t have all of the security staff fired, John,” I said like I was talking to a child.
“Watch me,” was his response.
“I didn’t see him either. Maybe he was in disguise or maybe he was just really careful. It’s obvious he’s motivated to get to me one way or another. Not that I’m on board with that mentality. It sucks for me actually,” I rambled on.
“What the fuck is going on in here?” Mack’s cold and lethal voice filled the room. The glass in the door rattled when he slammed it behind him.
“Fuck you,” John spat at him, getting right in his face. Wow. It would seem he was beyond upset on my behalf if he was taking it out on Mack like this.
“I told you not to fucking touch her,” Mack gritted out. His fists were clenching over and over.
“And I said fuck you!” John shouted in his face.
What was with all the damn ‘F’ words? Seriously?
Sensing everyone’s tension level was at an all-time high, I inserted myself between them and faced Mack.
“Maybe you should step back,” I recommended.
“Maybe he should.”
“You should listen to her,” John warned from behind me.
“I should have known you two would take sides,” Mack spat at us. This jealous and possessive streak was really too much for me. Especially now. I was already at my wits end.
“Look, this isn’t going to get us anywhere. We all need to work together right now. So can we set aside this male posturing bullshit and focus on the important issue here?” I pointed towards the offending card on the table. Mack’s eyes zeroed in on it, and his gaze narrowed.
“What’s that?”
“Her admirer’s love note,” John muttered dryly. “What do you think it fucking is?”
Mack stepped back and picked the card up. His eyes took on a hard look, and his jaw ticked as he looked it over, careful to keep his fingers on the edges.
“Dust it for prints,” he instructed.
“Don’t tell me how to do my God damn job,” John responded with venom.
“Obviously someone needs to. There’s no postmark on it. How’d he get close enough to give it to her?”
“He left it with a nurse at the hospital,” I informed him. “This isn’t John’s fault.”
“If he had caught this fucker months ago we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You wouldn’t need to be escorted to and from wherever you’re going. Think about that Megan. Think about how much time he’s actually dedicated to this case. It isn’t like he’s spending all his time watching you; you’re with me most days. Isn’t that right?” He aimed a raised brow at John as a challenge to deny his claims.
“You have a lot of fucking nerve.” John pushed past me and plowed into Mack taking him back a few steps and causing him to slam into the door.
I screamed and did my best to break them apart as they grappled with each other. John’s hands were fisted in Mack’s shirt, while Mack’s hands gripped John’s neck and were pushing him away.
It took a herculean effort, but once I finally had them apart I turned to face John and placed my hand on his forearm. “Please,” I pleaded with him. I didn’t want him this worked up over me. “It means so much to me that you care, but I don’t want you fighting with your co-workers. And I definitely don’t want you having a heart attack with the rate your blood pressure has spiked.”
His face softened at my poor attempt at a joke and he grabbed me in a bear hug. “I can’t lose my Tweedledum too,” he whispered in my hair.
Tears swam in my eyes when I pulled back and kissed his cheek. “I love you too you big softy.”
Mack made a disgusted sound, and I heard the distinct sound of his fist hitting the something solid. I counted to ten before I turned around to deal with him.
“We need to talk,” I told him. “Alone.”
Taking the hint, John left the room with the card—presumably to have it printed and put into evidence or something.
“I can’t believe you just acted like that,” I said disbelievingly once the door shut behind John. Mack had been known to mark his territory—like the night he ordered me home to strip and wait for him, or the time he caught some guy in a bar looking at my ass so he took both cheeks in hand and kissed me, giving the guy a show—but this was out of control.
“I told you I don’t want other men touching you and you sure as fuck can’t put your hands and lips on them either. Or tell one you love him while I’m standing right fucking there.”
“Well, I don’t give two shits what you want. That isn’t your decision and it certainly isn’t your right. He’s my friend and the closest thing to a brother I have. Sometimes he’s all I have,” I choked out. “You’re being completely ridiculous.”
“Why didn’t you call me today when you got that card? Why did you go right to him when you got here?” When I didn’t answer, because in truth I had no answer, he yelled, “Tell me damn it!”
“I don’t know! All right?” I screamed in his face. The disappointed look he gave me made my chest start to ache. I rubbed the spot hoping to make it go away, but it only intensified.
“Let me clue you in on something, seeing as how I don’t think you’re getting it. The second you slid in between my sheets and I slid inside you, I gained the right to tell you I don’t want other men touching you. I don’t care if
you think it’s friendly. I’m a man. I know how we think. When John looks at you he sees pussy. Pussy that he wants to taste and fuck. Now Megan. Tell me you get me.”
At his crass statement, I seriously thought my head was going to explode. I was over this whole scene. Over his caveman tendencies. Over listening to him telling me how things were going to be without even listening to what I might want. I’ve been just fine on my own, doing my thing for years. I didn’t need a man to get up in my shit and drive me to drink; especially not today. It was all too much for me in that moment.
“Oh, I get you all right, you big barbarian! I get that I can’t talk to another man whom I’ve known for years. And I can’t let that man give me a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek, but yet I have to share you.” I drilled my finger into his chest, completely caught up in the emotions behind my rant. “With a dead woman! I’m so over this!”
I turned to storm out the door without fully realizing what I had just admitted to him or the anger rolling off Mack in thick waves. I didn’t get very far before my body halted, and I found myself plastered against the wall with his strong, hard body pushing into mine. At the heated look in his eyes, I knew I was in trouble. I never should have brought up his wife.
“Care to explain that statement to me, buttercup?” The harsh tone in his voice belied the softness of the endearment. I swallowed hard and searched my brain for a plausible lie to get me out of this. I never wanted Mack to know how much it hurt whenever he held himself back. I knew why it was. I knew he felt he would never get over his first true love. His only love from where I stood.
Even our connection last night wasn’t enough for that lingering doubt to really leave my brain, no matter how optimistically I tried to look at things. I was being delusional if I thought any of this was more than it really was.
“You might think just because you don’t talk about her that she isn’t there, but she is. She’s there when you look at me and I realize you aren’t really seeing me. She’s there when you’re absently running your fingers through my hair thinking it’s hers. She’s there when we make love and yet you still end up holding yourself back from me. I’ve learned to live with the fact that however long this lasts I won’t ever have all of you. What I don’t need is you taking all of me in the process. I need to be able to walk away from this when you’ve moved on and know I can still stand under the weight of not having you.”
I snapped my mouth shut and then blinked at his stillness. His body was rock solid and his jaw was set tight. His eyes bored into mine. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he wasn’t even breathing, that was how still he was.
God. Did I really just say all that? I couldn’t believe I laid it all out. Of course, it had been weighing on me for months now. Eating away at my insides like cancer. I needed to get it out. I needed him to know how I really felt. The emotional whiplash I experienced at his hands needed to stop. I saw that clearly as I stood in a small room at a police station with tears swimming in my eyes and the man I loved looking right through me.
After several long moments, Mack spoke and what he said ripped my heart right out. “You’re right. I’ll never be over Ella, and I don’t need you throwing that shit in my face. I was upfront with you from the beginning. This is me, Megan. Take it or leave it.”
He stepped back and I immediately missed his warmth and the steady strength that seemed to radiate from every pore in his body. And later when I looked back on it, I regretted laying it out there for him. Because the days and nights that followed were cold and lonely while I was by myself, missing him.
See the problem was, I wanted all of him and I couldn’t make myself settle. Rachel would have been disappointed in me if I did; if I took the chance I had to live for granted. So mustering up all the courage I could, I ran my hand tenderly down his cheek as a goodbye and walked out the door.
Chapter Sixteen
Mack
I arrived at Jacob’s sisters house just before noon on the day after Christmas. He and Kara had decided a few days ago that they couldn’t wait to be married and the perfect time to do so would be right after the holiday when everyone was going to be together anyway. So here I was, ready to celebrate a momentous occasion with my partner and friend.
“I’m glad you’re here, man,” Jacob greeted me with a thump on the back.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I truthfully told him. Just because my happily ever after was cut short, doesn’t mean I didn’t believe in it for others. “I might need to double check your bride-to-be though and make sure she’s of sound mind and body, hitching herself to the likes of you.”
“You’re lucky it’s my wedding day, fucker, or I would kick your ass.”
We both smiled at each other and then in all seriousness I added, “I’m happy for you two.”
“Thanks. She’s it for me.”
We stood in silence for several moments while I pretended not to notice him trying to compose himself. It’s only natural to be emotional right before tying yourself to someone for eternity. I remember the day Ella and I took our vows. She was so fucking beautiful in the doorway to that church. My heart had stopped, and my breathing had ceased. No one else existed in that room but her and me. Her timid yet coy smile as she slowly made her way to me on her father’s arm was enough to make me want to claim her before she even made it to the altar. I shook my head at the inevitable memories and focused on my friend who now looked like he had a better hold on himself.
“Emma put out some chairs in the living room for everyone to sit in. Nothing fancy. You can head in there and find a place. We’ll be starting any minute.” He looked to his watch and then down the hall where I presumed his bride was preparing for the day. The anticipation on his face was clear as day. I considered razzing him, but figured I’d leave it be for now. There was always later to bust his balls.
I pat him on his back and made my way into the living room, kissing his sister, Emma, on her cheek and shaking hands with her husband whom I’ve met a few times.
Sitting in a folding chair towards the back of the room, I looked around and took in all the hard work that went into making this the perfect place for Jacob and Kara to say “I do.” The furniture had been moved out with the exception of a piano that an older woman sat behind. Everything from the soft lighting accented with twinkling white Christmas lights, the white and red roses, and the soft music, painted quite a romantic picture.
“Do you mind if I sit here?”
I turned my head to see a beautiful brunette woman standing at my right side, gesturing towards the empty seat on my left.
“Of course,” I said politely and stood to let her by. Once she settled in her seat, I followed suit.
“I’m Lexi, cousin of the groom.” She stuck her hand out to shake mine.
“Shane,” I told her. “Partners with the groom, but you can call me Mack.”
“Nice to meet you, Mack.” She smiled timidly at me, but I could see the lust in her unusual purple colored eyes. It was tempting to see what the promise in those eyes held. It wouldn’t be right though. Not when I was already a total mess over Ella and Megan.
Maybe you’d forget all that when you buried yourself balls deep inside her, my brain mused.
Maybe indeed.
“Agreed,” I said, followed by my patented smirk. It’s the one that never failed to get the ladies batting their eyelashes and giggling. The way Lexi’s eyelids lowered halfway showed me she was just as affected. Good to know.
“Are you staying in town?” She asked with a quirk of her head.
“Just for tonight.”
“Me too.” I’d be a fool if I didn’t see where this was going.
A few other people quickly took their seats, ushered by Emma, which kept me from having to respond to Lexi’s veiled offer for a hook up.
Jacob moved to stand with Emma on one side of him, acting as best man, and a man in a suit on the other side of him. I presumed he was the minister marrying them. Somet
hing about the bible in his hands gave it away.
Soft piano music filled the room when the older woman began playing an instrumental version of “All of Me” by John Legend.
Jacob’s nieces, Grace and Candace, made their way down the aisle in light pink dresses, leaving rose petals in their wake. Both girls hammed it up for the attendees with bright eyes and wide smiles. More than a few guffaws and snickers followed them and their antics.
Next, Kara appeared on the arm of her father at the opening to the hall. She was stunningly beautiful, radiating pure joy. Her white, lace dress dipped low, but not obscenely so, hugging her curves and trailing behind her as she headed towards Jacob. Forcing my eyes away from the stunning vision in front of me, I turned to look at Jacob, who was looking at her like he was seeing her for the first time.
An aching in my chest had me rubbing the smarting spot. Watching Jacob and Kara join each other at the altar, I suddenly had visions of myself and a certain beautiful woman doing the same. However, it wasn’t Ella’s face that popped into my head right before the pain radiated through me. It was Megan’s. And wasn’t that just a complete mind fuck? It should have been Ella I was reminded of on this day. Shouldn’t it?
As the ceremony began and Jacob joined hands with Kara, I attempted to stay in the moment and focus on the happy couple. Yet I couldn’t stop obsessing over the fact that I had imagined myself and Megan up there. It was so surreal and nothing I ever would have imagined happening.
Things between us were definitely over. She made that clear the moment she walked out on me at the precinct. For as much as I wanted to chase her down that day, I fought the urge and let her go. She wanted something from me that I didn’t have to give. My heart was gone, it had been for a really long time. All I knew how to give her was my body. It stung to know that wasn’t enough for her, even if I understood her compulsion to want more.
“Christmas is about love, family, magic, hope and possibilities. It’s fitting that you are becoming my wife today because you are the embodiment of all those things for me. I never understood the lyrics ‘God bless the broken road that led me straight to you’ until you came into my life. Having you has made all the hardships worth it. Knowing that I’ll start every day with you in my arms and end every night with you there as well, is everything to me. I love you from the bottom of my heart, and will spend the rest of our lives thanking you for being my sunshine.”
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