Bound in Blue

by Jessica Ingro

  “Everything is so messed up,” I spoke to Ella’s tombstone. The fresh carnations I brought her were arranged neatly across the bottom. I smiled as my fingers ran over them. Back in high school, they sold carnations for you to give to the object of your affection. I had bought her a bundle of them and presented them to her in the lunch room, asking her out on a date. That was the moment that shy, sweet girl stole my heart. And because of that, they had always been Ella’s favorite flower. The memory was bittersweet.

  “I’m in love, Ellie Boo,” I confessed like a guilty Catholic. “You’d like her. She’s strong, tenacious, smart, and so damn beautiful. She knows how to make me happy, something I haven’t been in a really long time. I feel so damn guilty about it though. That’s why I’m here I guess.

  “I’ve tried to hide it from her, but I just end up hurting her anyway. I finally allowed myself to move on, but I can’t quite seem to let go of you. She deserves more than a man who can’t let go of his dead wife… I really do love her, so why am I still thinking about you, honey? Can you tell me that? Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I roll over to see your face. Only it isn’t your face I’m seeing. It’s hers. I’m so very thankful that it’s hers—don’t get me wrong—it’s just I can’t seem to make those thoughts go away.”

  My hand idly ran over the grass around her tombstone as I waited for some sign that Ella was there listening to me, ready to absolve me of any transgressions against her for loving another woman. As is often the case when you’re looking for signs, I missed any that might have come my way—too focused on what wasn’t there.

  “When I almost lost Megan, I thought my world was ending. It was so much worse than the day you came home from that doctor’s appointment and told me they found cancer.” I pinched the bridge of my nose as the memory assaulted me and hot tears leaked from my eyes.

  “I remember the day you told me you were leaving me like it was yesterday. The look on your face when you explained it was stage four cancer and you refused to undergo treatment. How you tried to be so strong and brave when I could see the fear in your eyes. I hated you that day. I never admitted that before, but I hated you for making me love you just to tell me you weren’t going to fight for us. I couldn’t understand how you could be so selfish. I realized though that you weren’t being selfish at all. How could you be when all your dreams were dying right along with you? You just wanted to make things easier on me. I get that now.”

  I sniffed and wiped my face on the sleeve of my shirt. Tipping my face up to the sun, I struggled to collect my scattered thoughts. The day was quiet and the air was still. It was the peaceful and serene setting I needed to get through this.

  “Remember the day we moved into that small cracker box house over on Morgan Road? It was so damn small. It could have been the White House for how excited you were though. Your eyes lit up every time you talked about it.” I shook my head in amusement at the memory of her enthusiasm. “You never made me feel bad for what I couldn’t give you. It was quite the opposite. I always felt like king of the world with you.

  “I’ll always love you, Ellie Boo. That will never change. I need to make room for Megan now though. You understand that? Don’t you? I can’t imagine you wanting me to be alone forever. To find the kind of love we shared not once but twice is such a rare thing, honey. I have to take my chance and hold on tight with both hands. I couldn’t stand losing Megan to my stupidity. She belongs to me. I know it right down to my soul. The way she can level me with just her eyes is a masterpiece. I look forward to the way she challenges me and the way she makes me feel complete every damn day. Please tell me you understand.”

  Once again not finding my sign, I decided it was time to go. Once I said goodbye to my mother, I would head North to D.C. and hopefully Megan would forgive me enough to take me back again.

  I stood and brushed the dirt off the seat of my pants before running my hand over Ella’s name engraved in the stone. As I turned to leave, a burst of wind passed my face. It felt like the whisper of her hand on my cheek. I shivered at the contact, my eyes closing as I marveled in it. It would seem Ella was listening after all.

  * * *

  Megan

  The sun beamed in through the window and woke me from my troubled sleep. I brief glance at the clock told me it was nearing seven o’clock in the morning. I had slept for almost three hours. That was something at least.

  Turning to my side, I stared at the empty bed. Anger welled inside me at the fact that Mack hadn’t come home last night. That he left me alone to worry all night long. One single, short text message telling me not to worry only served to make me more concerned. Selfish ass.

  I pulled myself from the bed and padded to the bathroom. Face washed and teeth brushed I felt slightly more human and a little more alert. Finding my cellphone on the nightstand, I tried Shane again. Again I got voicemail. My feelings were definitely hurt by the fact he was ignoring my calls.

  I refused to fall on my knees and beg him to come home. I only wanted him here if he wanted to be here. And at that point, he needed to prove to me that was the case.

  Two hours later, I was back to being worried. Feeling like a pathetic, simpering idiot, I called Kara.

  “Hey,” she answered all perky and happy. Bitch.

  “Hey,” I faked my own happiness. “Is Jacob around by chance?’

  “Sure. Is everything okay?” She asked with concern lacing her voice.

  “Yeah. Fine. I just had a question I was hoping he had the answer to.”

  “Okay. Let me get him. You’d tell me if you weren’t all right though, right?”

  “Of course,” I said far too brightly for even my own liking.

  “Why don’t I believe you?” She mumbled, before handing Jacob the phone. “Megan has a question for you.”

  “What can I do for you?” He asked teasingly into the phone.

  “Where would Mack go to cool off?”

  “To cool off? Did you guys have a fight or something?”

  “Yeah I guess you could say that.” I heaved a sigh. “So do you know where he might go?”

  “Did you check the gym?”

  “No. I haven’t checked anywhere yet. He isn’t answering my calls so I wasn’t sure where to start.” God, I sounded pathetic having no idea where my man might be. Shows how very little you know about him, the snarky voice in my head reminded me.

  “Give me a few minutes and I’ll let you know what I find.”

  “You don’t have to go out of your way. I just thought…”

  “Trust me. I’m not going out of my way in the least. I’ll be in touch soon. Yeah?”

  “Thank you,” I said sincerely.

  “Anytime,” he replied and then the phone disconnected.

  I jogged up the stairs and to my room. I made quick work out of taking a shower and throwing on clean clothes. The whole time my mind churned with whether or not chasing him down was the right thing to do. Sometimes you really had to wonder if the fight was worthwhile. Ever since Rachel died, I didn’t think it was. And now this mess with Mack gave me pause. Life was certainly less complicated before him. Narrow, but without a doubt less complicated.

  By the time I was done readying myself, my phone was beeping. Looking at the incoming message from Jacob that contained Mack’s whereabouts, I decided it was time to take back my little piece of heaven that turned dark. Mack was mine and he was, in fact, worth fighting for.

  Armed with an address and a name, I was on a mission to track down his mother’s house and make him see reason. He wouldn’t let me leave him after my attack and I wasn’t going to let him do it now.

  Looked like I was going to South Carolina.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Nearly eight hours later, with my stomach in my throat, I knocked on the door to a rustic cabin surrounded by nothing but wilderness. I really hoped the guy at the gas station in town gave me the right directions seeing as how I was in the middle of nowhere and could be standing o
n the front porch of a psychotic person’s house. No one would be the wiser if I disappeared. An eerie tingle creeped up my spine at that thought.

  As the door creaked open, I felt like throwing up on whoever was behind it. I was letting my imagination get the better of me. Well, I guess anyone who was hijacked and abused for eight hours would find their mind going to dark places. Right?

  When a stocky, gray haired woman stood before me, looking at me with a quizzical look on her face, I expelled a small breath. She was definitely Mack’s mom judging by her piercing blue eyes, which meant I likely wouldn’t be dying today. Thank God for that.

  “Can I help you?” She asked with razor sharp eyes. As she studied me, I fought the urge to smooth down my hair with the overwhelming desire for this woman to like me.

  “I was looking for Mack… Shane,” I corrected myself. “I was told he was here.”

  “He’s here. What I’m wondering is who wants to know?” His mother’s protective instincts came out in a flash.

  “Sorry. I should have introduced myself.” I held out my hand. “I’m Megan. I’m friends with Shane.”

  “I’d say more than friends,” she said cryptically. “I’m Kathleen. Come on in. Shane is out, but I’m expecting him back soon.”

  I followed her into the open planned living room, dining room and kitchen. She went straight to the fridge and pulled out a pitcher of pink lemonade, grabbing two cups from the dish drainer and setting them on the island in front of me. “You want some?” She looked up at me and for the first time I realized she was looking at me warmly now; no longer guarded.

  “I’d love some.” Pink lemonade always reminded me of my grandmother. Whenever we went over, she always had some made. We would greedily drink it out of dixie cups. It was a memory that always made me nostalgic.

  Sipping the pink liquid, I let it cool my fevered body. It was certainly warm down here in South Carolina.

  “Is it normally this hot in May?” I fanned myself with my shirt, trying to get some airflow on my skin.

  “No, not usually this warm. It’s a record-breaking heatwave. I haven’t had a chance to put any air conditioners in,” she said by way of apology. She bent down and opened the oven, the smell of homemade biscuits filled the air, making my stomach growl. I hadn’t stopped for lunch in my haste to make it here before it started to get dark. Until I plugged the address into my GPS, I didn’t even realize how far away South Carolina was.

  “We’ll have dinner as soon as Shane gets back—chicken and biscuits with gravy. It’s his favorite. Was he expecting you?” The implied “because I wasn’t” was hard to miss.

  “No. We, um, had a disagreement and I came to talk to him.”

  She nodded and leaned back on the counter, her eyes assessing me again.

  “He told me a bit,” she admitted. “I’m sure he’ll be glad you’re here. Why don’t you take a load off in the living room? While I finish up in here.”

  “Thank you,” I said before taking my glass and moving to the far side of the open space where there was a decent sized television mounted on the wall, and a deep sectional in front of it.

  Eyeing some pictures on the wall next to the television, I immediately went there to scope them out. I couldn’t help it; the prospect of a young Mack intrigued me.

  My eyes honed in on the first one, an eight by ten baby picture. Oh my God, he was so darn cute with his little sailor outfit on and a big toothless smile. Next was a smiling five year old Mack holding a sign that said “First day of school.” His little superman backpack was adorable on him. The next picture jumped to what I presumed was his high school graduation with him wearing a royal blue cap and gown, his mom on one side and an older version of Mack on his other. Geez. Even as a teenager he was beyond beautiful. I ran my finger over the scar on his lip that hadn’t quite faded yet.

  “He got that fishing with his dad. His friend, Beau’s hook came back and caught his lip. Crazy boy was always afraid of nothing. He pulled it out and went right back to fishing. I was so mad when he came home with a big gash in his face. I knew it was going to leave a nasty scar. His father kissed my ass for days after that.” The fondness in her voice as she relived the memory caused my chest to squeeze.

  “His father is very handsome,” I noted. “Shane looks just like him.”

  “Good old Irish genes. He was visiting family in the states when we met. I was nineteen at the time and there was no resisting that Irish brogue. I knew from the moment he said hello that he would be the one I’d marry. Patrick never returned back to Ireland. We married after just six months and had Shane a year later. We were so young,” she said wistfully.

  “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to him? Shane never talks about it.”

  Her eyes clouded over and took on a heartbreaking expression. I regretted my intrusive question immediately. “Patrick was a State Trooper. It’s why we moved down here from Maryland when Mack was younger. As you’re aware, there is a level of danger and uncertainty that comes with that job. He died in a standoff with a bank robber. It was a hard time for both of us. Especially Shane because his father was like his own personal superhero. It’s probably why he hasn’t talked about it.”

  “Understandably,” I mumbled and turned back to the pictures. The next several in succession were of Mack and the gorgeous brunette I knew to be Ella.

  The first was an engagement picture of sorts. He was kissing her cheek as she held out her hand to show a small diamond engagement ring. The next was their wedding picture. It was out in a field somewhere, and they were surrounded by wild flowers. The third picture was them standing in front of a small white house with red shutters; their arms wrapped around each other as they smiled wide for the camera. So young and their lives so filled of promise. My heart ached knowing that was all cut so short.

  The final picture in the row was of Mack with his arms around a considerably frailer looking Ella. She smiled wanly into the camera, while he looked at her with nothing but love and adoration in his face. I felt the tears well up inside me knowing this may have been one of the last photos in existence of the two of them. It was photographic evidence of what irrevocably changed him.

  “She was special, that girl,” his mom spoke behind me. I couldn’t find the courage to turn around and see the emotion that was sure to be written on her face. Nor did I want her to see mine. “Inseparable from the time he took her on their first date, those two were. It crushed him when she found out she had cancer. For the longest time he refused to acknowledge she was dying. It broke my heart to see my boy so lost. After she died, I watched him slowly shut himself off from everybody. That was the worst feeling in the world. Something I wouldn’t wish on any mother.”

  This was the most I had heard about Ella since knowing she existed. Mack had never told me how she died, only that she did. I felt an odd discomfort with Kathleen sharing so much information that Mack should have been giving me. I wasn’t sure he would like knowing we had this conversation.

  That sense of loss and mourning I had experienced the night before on his behalf came back full force, almost bringing me to my knees with the force of it. Just then the screen door creaked open. I spun around guilty as Shane walked in.

  “Megan? I thought that was your car out there.” He shook his head in disbelief. “How did you know to find me here?”

  “Jacob,” I answered unsurely. I didn’t know how we would take me being here.

  “It’s time to eat. Go wash up you two, while I set everything out,” his mom spoke into the void, breaking us of our stare down.

  Mack gestured towards the hallway and I followed him to a small bathroom nestled between two bedrooms. I washed my hands slowly, keenly aware that his eyes were on me the whole time. Stepping out of the way, I took over his perch in the doorway and did the same.

  “I’m sorry,” he said once he turned the water off. “I shouldn’t have taken off without letting you know where I was going. I knew you’d follow me, and
this was something I had to do alone.”

  “What did you have to do?” I cocked my head in question. “You haven’t told me much of anything, Shane. As a matter of fact, your mother has unknowingly told me more in the last half hour than you have in the last year.”

  He had no reaction to that other than to say, “Can we talk about this later?”

  “Fine. But we will talk about this, Shane. You can’t keep sweeping it under the rug. These back and forth games with you are draining and I’m over it.”

  He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around my body, pinning my arms to my side. With nowhere to go, I looked up in his face. I sucked in a breath at the look of guilt and fear in his eyes. “I promise I’ll tell you everything. Just not now.”

  “Okay,” I agreed and his tense stance loosened.

  “My mom’s food will knock your socks off,” he said as he steered me from the bathroom with an arm around my shoulder.

  “It better.”

  * * *

  I found Shane sitting on the dock at the large pond down on the south end of his mother’s property.

  During dinner I listened intently as Kathleen regaled me with stories of Shane growing up. Once her stories started to include Ella, his glass slamming on the table was enough to stop her dead in her tracks. After that, things were slightly awkward as intense emotions rolled off of him.

  After dinner, he excused himself and I offered to help his mother clean up. It was the least I could do, especially since she hadn’t been expecting me to show up. It was extremely kind of her to feed me and put me up for the night without notice.

  Now it was dark and bordering on late. Kathleen had excused herself once the last dish was washed, saying she was going to read and go to bed early. “I’m an early riser,” was her explanation. I had a feeling it was her way of leaving us alone to hash out whatever was going on between us.

  I hadn’t missed her slightly pitying looks while we cleaned up. I didn’t blame her. I would have been doing the same thing in her shoes. It was obvious Ella was the giant pink elephant in the room that Mack avoided at every cost. I would have felt bad for me too for falling in love with an unobtainable man.