by Rie Warren
“Just heroin.” Her voice was hard-edged.
“Well, that’s a fucking blessing, isn’t it, darlin’?”
“I got clean after I was arrested. I detoxed, went to meetings. I haven’t touched anything since, not liquor, not a needle, not a stripper pole. I got the tattoos because I had to. I wanted to make a go at the family business, and no one would take me seriously if they knew the truth right there, written on my skin.” Her voice lifted and choked off. When I looked up, her face described every single sadness I felt. “Working in a man’s world toughened me up. I needed that. I’m good at it. But I’d never learned to control myself, so I cut myself off. No fun meant no pain.”
Her half-smile was heartbreaking. I reached out to touch her and then drew back. Her throat worked, and I had to shut my eyes.
“I closed myself off. I’ve been disciplined about everything in my life for so many years because I had to, Nick! I couldn’t risk temptation. I tattooed over my tracks, I airbrushed over who I was because I couldn’t be Wildcat anymore. And then you came along and . . .”
When she trailed off, I rose to my feet. I folded her against me. Her heart hammered so fast. Her hands grasped me to her.
“Me too, darlin’.” Thick with pain, my voice faltered.
“You pissed me off.”
“Glad I have that affect.” My laugh was broken.
Her fingers trailed across my face. “You got in my danger zone. You made me feel passion again. You reminded me what I’ve been missing all this time. But with you I wasn’t tempted to hit the needle. Don’t you see it, Nick? I only need you.”
Capturing her hand, I stretched her arm out and kissed across the tattooed flowers and all the scars hidden beneath. “It’s the same for me, too. With you. But it’s not enough.”
I might never kiss her again, and that thought finally made the tears fall. I gasped a broken groan.
Cat spun away. She wrapped her arms around herself. “You don’t understand! I was so ashamed of myself until you. You freed me, Nick.”
“And you controlled me. You decided how much to tell me all along.” As I talked to her back, she curled over and over and over. “Did you miss the fucking part where I said my brother died from smack? Didn’t you think that might’ve been a good time to clue me in?”
She swung around. “How could I tell you after what happened to Daniel? How could I possibly tell you?”
“YOU OWED ME THE TRUTH!”
“You’re getting it now.”
“Too late.” My voice was nothing but a bare husk. “What the fuck were you thinking? That you could keep this from me forever? Or maybe you’d never intended to go the distance with me. Was that it?”
With her hair flying, she hit me. Her fists punched my chest, but they didn’t make a single dent, not in my flesh, not in my decision. “I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”
Jaw hard, eyes flat, I said, “You should’ve told me.”
“That’s why I left you as soon as I found about Daniel. I was protecting you!”
A harsh laugh scraped from my throat. “Look, darlin’, I don’t need protecting. Least of all from the likes of you.”
That barb hit the mark. She winced. I fisted my hands behind my back instead of clasping her to me. I couldn’t.
Not even when she said, “You never would’ve looked at me the same, like I was someone worthy.” She whispered, drawing back, “You would’ve looked at me the way you are now. Like I’m dirty, like I’m scum.”
“How do I know you’re not going to use again?”
“You don’t. It’s called trust. And obviously you don’t trust me anymore.”
“I can’t be with a junkie.”
“Former junkie.”
“Once a user . . .”
“Fuck you, Nicky. Just FUCK YOU. You don’t know the half of what I’ve been though to become who I am now. The woman you said you loved. If you can just throw it away, then fine. I can always reinvent myself again, just like you.”
“Can you blame me? My brother OD’d before my eyes, for fuck’s sake! I couldn’t save him. How the hell can I save you if you don’t stay sober? I have loved someone who gave up on himself when I couldn’t, when I kept trying. If you start drugging again, if you leave me . . . what if I’m not enough to keep you sober?”
“I keep me sober, Nick. Me. It’s my responsibility.”
“And if you fail, I’ll never recover. Not this time, Cat.” I barely managed to speak and the pain inside manifested in broken gasps. “I can’t.”
“You coward.”
I grabbed her wrists and pulled her arms straight out between us. “I thought these were beautiful. Sexy. Some kind of emblem about you, and all along they were masks, not your true spirit at all.”
“This is who I am now. You’re the only man who ever saw me deeper.” Her fingers curled over my forearms, holding me against her.
“You’re damn right I did. I gave you my love when I never thought I would!” I was shaking her, being too rough. I let her loose when she gasped. “You tell me, Cat. Tell me what else you’re hiding I don’t know about.”
“How about this? I got my tubes tied when I was twenty,” she spat. “I can never have children. How does that fit with your perfect future for us?”
“What? Why? Fucking hell.” I dropped my head. “No kids, why would you do that? Why would you write off everything?”
“Because I didn’t want to bring kids into the world when I hated myself so much.”
“No. Because you were in the trade and didn’t want to get pregnant.” I stalked to the bathroom, pulled out a zippered bag, and started filling it with her stuff. She stood in the doorway. “Jesus Christ, Cat. You made that decision without any consideration for me?”
“Correction. I made that decision for myself when no one else factored into it. Why should you care anyway? You’re breaking up with me.”
I was done. To think just an hour ago I’d been dreaming about Christmas morning with Cat and all the days after for years to come. Facing the mirror, I saw my cold reflection, and her standing behind me. “I love you, Catarina Steele.”
“I love you, too. I love you so much.”
“I don’t trust you.” My palm raised to the mirror blanked out her reflection.
“You said you’d never let me go.” She stood back as I did the rounds in the bedroom, packing everything that belonged to her.
“I lied. Just like you.” I handed her the bags, careful not to touch any part of her. I couldn’t feel Cat again. I couldn’t feel for her. I took a step back when she shouldered the duffel.
Her gaze was glassy, too clear. She stood tall and faced off with me. “I’ll hate you for this.”
“I think you always wanted to.” Emotion so raw threatened to rip down the final barrier I’d put up between us.
“You changed my mind.” With her fingers dusting away the tears from her cheeks, she looked back at the door and once more at me.
I managed a few curt words. “I need you to go.”
“I won’t come back.”
I pushed my fist to my mouth. Don’t touch her. Don’t think about her. “The good ones never do.”
Her goodbye kiss was a flat open hand that stung my cheek as it had the first time I’d met my Wildcat. I licked my split lip, happy for the physical pain instead of the agony cutting through my heart. I watched her walk down the stairs. Her back was ramrod straight. Viper whimpered for attention below, but I whistled her to me.
Outside, Cat’s car screamed from the driveway.
And that was The End.
Chapter Seventeen
Nine Lives
EXCEPT CAT WALKING OUT the door wasn’t the end. It was just the beginning of a litany of recriminations. I stumbled to the kitchen for coffee and cursed the machine when it cranked out some kind of murky molasses because I’d measured wrong. Sitting at the counter, I toyed with deleting Cat’s contact info from my phone then put it facedown, laying m
y forehead on top of it.
I didn’t move but to let Viper out, to feed her at regular intervals. Eventually my cell sounded off with one message after another. Cat must’ve said something to L and that led to this. I carried my cell phone to the den. I slumped into a deep chair. I braced myself.
Checking my messages, I got a virtual earful from the hens:
Janice: U know I love you but that ain’t no way to treat a lady.
Dude, freal? Wildcat was the bomb diggity! Jacqueline reamed me out next.
I’d like to tie you 2 in a room and make you have it out. Missy seemed really pissed off at me.
A few hours later, I got a mouthful from L over the phone. It wasn’t pretty, but her venom couldn’t compete with Cat’s. Josh got on the horn next.
“Bro.”
“Don’t start, Josh. You’ve got no idea this time.”
“I’ve heard that before. Maybe you oughtta tell me.”
I curled my fingers around the phone and closed my eyes. Then I told him, everything, starting at the beginning. And at the end, I rasped, “Don’t tell Leelee. It’s not my place. Cat will tell her if she wants her to know.”
“That’s fucked, man.” His deep timbre was more hoarse than ever. “Is it worth losing her over though?”
“Dunno.” Yes. No, no fucking way.
“Come by Stone’s tomorrow, I need a hand.”
“Rain check? I need a couple days, Josh.” I stared at the logs stacked inside the fireplace in front of me, unlit. A cool draft came down the chimney, sweeping around my feet.
“You’ve got two days.”
“Gotcha.”
“Hey, bro?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m here for you, y’know?”
I blinked a few times. “Yup.”
After we hung up, I stayed right where I was.
The following few days happened so slowly, it was as if the clock stopped the moment Cat had left my house, a couple bags of her belongings in her arms. Tick . . . tock . . . tick. It was like my blood sloughed in my veins, slowing, cooling, without her to fire me up. Drip-drop-drip. My heart stopped too. Viper limped around beside me—clip . . . clop. She missed Cat. I missed Cat, but I was done with her. Done, done, done. I’d lost my brother, my folks, my home because of this shit, and it still made me feel hollow. It had. Until Cat.
For two perfect months, everything had come together—bike, book, babe—and fallen apart just like that. Even though my motorcycle still revved up with muscle-jarring power, it was no fun riding alone. Somewhere along the way, the restoration had become less about a tribute to Daniel and more about hitting the open road with Cat.
Witches flew off the virtual shelves in this year of the no-no to Paranormal Romance—mainly due to my loyal followers, my street team, and the OutFAGEous Fans of Nicky Love. They’d slunk out of the wedding but hadn’t flaked out on me. For that, I was seriously grateful.
I still wanted one woman beside me. I didn’t know how to apologize or even if I should. My mind spun in a million different directions. Fear, worry, resentment.
Shame.
Guilt.
Pain.
****
I finally showed my face at Stone’s so Josh wouldn’t drive out and haul my ass in for a Come to Jesus moment. It’d only been four days since Cat left. It felt like an eternity. I dragged on my worn coveralls, hit the bays, and pitched in next to the boys. We didn’t exchange more than back slaps and fist bumps, and I could tell they worked hard to keep the pity from their eyes.
Bastards didn’t go easy on me either.
By the end of the afternoon, I was covered in grease up to my elbows and dripping with sweat. Gerald tossed a clean do-rag to me with a grin. Javier side-winded a fresh toothpick at me to scrape the stains from under my nails. Mick nodded beneath his baseball cap visor and opened his lunch box, offering me half of his sub sandwich.
Not a single soul said anything about Cat and me, but they all knew.
Josh didn’t appear until I finished fine-tuning the final truck on my roster. He let me get it all out on sticky fuel lines, overflowing oil pans, and flat tires before he showed his face inside bay three.
He watched the clean up with a hawk eye in case any little spill was missed. “Ready to talk it out now?”
Grimacing, I carried on realigning the wrenches in my tool chest. “Did all my talking it out with Viper, so I think I’m good.”
“Bullshit. You look like twice-baked turd and Viper’s not a human, so I reckon you’re being plain old pigheaded.”
I slammed shut the tool drawer and wheeled around. “I already told you what happened. You of all people should know I am not cut out to deal with this.”
“She made a mistake a long time before you.” He placed his hands on my shoulders. A frown etched into his forehead as his voice lowered. “Is it really worth losing the love of your life over?”
“Maybe she’s not the love of my life.”
Josh squeezed my shoulders. “Maybe she is. Is it worth the risk to throw it away?”
“How the hell can you say that when you know exactly what she kept from me?” I gritted my teeth.
“Because I’ve never seen you happier or—not to get all hippy-dippy or nothin’—more at peace than when you finally hooked up with Cat. And I’ve never seen you more miserable than you are right now.”
“Hooking up is all it’ll ever amount to.” I cut him off when he opened his mouth, “Just because you’re head over Leelee’s heels doesn’t mean everyone’s going to find that one great love, Josh.” I clapped his shoulder and then turned away. “You can’t patch us up this time.”
“I hate seeing you hurting.”
Wiping my face on my sleeve, I took a deep whiff of the garage’s swill of solvents, enough to tear up my eyes from something other than emotions too close to the surface.
Josh stiffened beside me. “We got trouble,” he muttered.
I looked across the bay to see Brodie headed my way. He looked absolutely livid. Surprise.
“We gotta talk.”
“No, Brodie, we don’t gotta do nothing. I’m out of Cat’s life. You should be dancing in the streets about that. I was no good for her anyway, and for damn sure she isn’t right for me.”
“Stop being a stupid cunt. Jesus. Do you have any idea what she’s been doing this past week?”
Any number of things—possibly illegal. “I don’t even want to hazard a guess.”
“Closed herself off into her safe little boring empty box of nothing, like she used to. No smiles, no emotion, no feeling because you hurt her so fuckin’ bad, man, she’s got no other way of dealin’ with it.” He leaned in, his voice pure menace. “So we’re gonna talk, bro.”
I spoke through stiff lips to Josh. “Mind if we borrow your office?”
“Are you two gonna bust it up?” Looking between the pair of us, he measured the possible damage.
I raised an eyebrow at Brodie, who said, “Not this time.”
I marched back to Josh’s office. When the door closed, I sat behind the desk, slumped in defeat. “She’s fucked up, Brodie.”
“She used to be fucked up, and you don’t know everything, Nick.”
A blast of protective anger ripped through me. “How could you let her get her tubes tied like that?”
“In case you haven’t noticed, Boomer and I don’t let her do anything. We don’t have any say or she’d never have gotten messed up with you.”
That pissed me right off. “Which is why I ask again: why aren’t you out celebrating?”
“Because, you shit, she was the happiest she’s ever been these past few months with you.”
There was a strangled noise. It came from me. “That doesn’t change anything.”
“It’s reversible anyway. Not the damage you caused, but the no kids thing. We at least made sure of that.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
Relief hit me in the chest, nonsensical th
ough it was. Like I had any future with Cat anyway. I surged to my feet. Ready. Ready to do what? Get her back?
I didn’t get far at any rate. Brodie rolled up his sleeves over armfuls of tats and braced his knuckles on the desk. “Sit the fuck down. We ain’t done yet.”
“You’re not going to tell me anything I don’t already know.”
“You might be surprised about that.” I squared my shoulders when he pushed on my chest. But as soon as he backed off to the little couch, I took Josh’s chair again. “You’re missing the point, man. Let me tell you a little story about Cat.”
“It won’t matter what you say.” I still wanted her, fuck, I really did. But I’d been through the most intense pain imaginable. “I can’t go there again.”
“And you’re not gonna. I know about your brother Daniel. I’m sorry, man. I get it, but you need to understand what Cat’s been through, and you don’t have the first fuckin’ clue yet.”
My jaw flexed. “You and Cat and just about everyone else keep saying that. I’m still waiting for the goddamn truth here.”
“She never told you how our parents died.”
“No.”
“And you never asked.”
“I didn’t want scare her off.”
“That’s commendable. But here’s the thing. You know when she got arrested?” He lifted his gaze—the indigo color of his eyes impenetrable—locking onto mine.
I nodded, so tense my knuckles were white as shards of bone on the edge of the desk.
“She was headed for rehab right after she made bail. I was taking her to the rehabilitation center. Our parents were meeting us there for the initial family assessment. It never happened, they never showed up.” He sucked in a deep breath and backhanded his eyes. “The cops tracked me down that night.”
I gripped the arms of the seat, listening to his voice crack.
“There was a car wreck. It was totaled. They were dead before the ambulance even arrived.” Tears squeezed from his pinched-tight eyes.
My stomach roiled.
“She still believes she killed them, because they wouldn’t have been in the car, on the road, if it wasn’t for her.”