by Sian Ceinwen
Would it be better to go now and kill those hours at the airport instead of here? A huge part of her was terrified that Gabriel would knock on her door, but an equally huge part of her was hoping that he would.
She’d been sitting on the bed crying for about half an hour when her phone started going off. It was almost as bad as it had been that morning. Messages from Heather and Sebastian, as well as phone calls. She couldn’t face them, not right now.
Another half an hour after that, there was a knock at her door. She didn’t move and hoped they would go away. The person knocked again, louder and more insistently.
“Ariana?” Sebastian called out to her.
“Go away,” Ariana mumbled to herself.
“I know you’re in there,” he yelled, “let me in!”
Ariana got up from the bed and went over to open the door. He entered the room and turned to glare at her.
“You’re leaving?” He frowned at her.
“Yeah, I am,” she couldn’t meet his gaze.
“Why are you doing this, Ariana?” Sebastian repeated the question Gabriel had asked her earlier, “it doesn’t make any sense, and Gabriel is devastated.”
“I’m sorry, Seb, I don’t belong here, and it’s time for me to go back to my real life,” she started to walk away, but Sebastian grabbed her arm and turned her to face him.
“Don’t do this. I don’t know exactly what your problem is, but I know that you’re being ridiculous,” he glared at her.
“Ridiculous?” Ariana yanked her arm from his grasp, “perhaps I am, but that’s how it is. Now, if you don’t mind, I have a plane to catch.”
“This is insane,” Sebastian growled, “we literally just had a two-hour meeting about how to make sure you and Gabriel could safely be together, and you pull this shit.”
“I’m sorry. I honestly never meant to inconvenience anyone,” she shrugged.
“Holy shit, that’s what you think this is?” He looked shocked, “you think I’m here because you’re ‘inconveniencing,’ us? No, I’m here because Gabriel is a mess.”
Ariana ached to go soothe Gabriel. It caused her physical pain to know that she was hurting him, but she reminded herself that this really was for the best. She walked past Sebastian and grabbed her suitcase and the few other things she had left out and headed back past him towards the door.
“I didn’t intend for any of this to happen. I really am sorry,” she said as she opened the door.
“You know what, Ariana? Sometimes ‘sorry,’ just doesn’t cut it,” he said to her scathingly.
She was grateful that he didn’t follow her as she left the room. He allowed the door to close behind her, and she headed for the lifts as fast as she could. She only had a few hours left until her flight was due to leave, and waiting at the airport was clearly much safer than waiting here.
Her phone was ringing again, but she ignored it. Tears were streaming down her face, and she drew quite a few glances as she walked hurriedly through the lobby with her suitcase in tow. The concierge stepped out from behind his desk.
“Are you okay, miss?” He asked with concern.
“Yes,” she managed to choke out, “could you, um, call me a taxi, please?”
“Of course,” he said and returned to his desk.
Ariana hovered nearby, keeping her eyes down, aware that people were still staring at her.
“Your taxi will be here in five minutes, miss,” the concierge informed her.
“Thank you so much,” Ariana said, wiping the tears away from her eyes, “I really appreciate it.”
She walked out the front of the hotel and was stunned to see that there was a crowd of people, both fans of Cruise Control and reporters waiting out the front. There were also several police officers trying to maintain order.
Ariana slipped past the crowd and made her way to the taxi rank. A few people called out questions about whether she’d seen the band inside, but she pretended not to hear them. The sooner she was away from all this, the better.
Her phone had started ringing again, but she sent it to voicemail, grateful that her taxi arrived at that moment. She got in as the driver put her suitcase in the trunk.
“Where to?” He asked her.
“LAX, please.”
She gave way to the tears she’d been trying to hold back. The taxi driver clearly noticed but was kind enough not to say anything. Her phone rang again, and she switched it off as she put her head in her hands and sobbed.
They had a surprisingly good run to the airport, and it only took a bit over an hour. When they arrived, she paid the driver and got out while he collected her suitcase and handed it over to her.
“Whatever’s happened, I promise it’s not that bad,” he told her as he held his hand out for a handshake.
“Thank you,” she said, shaking his hand.
She wanted to tell him that it was that bad and that her life was falling into pieces, but she didn’t want to have that conversation.
Walking into the busy airport, Ariana was grateful for the distraction as she printed out her boarding pass and went through security. It was coming up to four, and she hadn’t eaten since that morning, but she wasn’t hungry. She went and sat at the gate for her flight.
With an hour to wait, she sobbed, uncaring of the people around her. She had really left. Soon she would be back home in her normal life, and this time with Gabriel would become a distant memory.
The Fifteenth Song
Ariana had been home a couple of weeks when her mom dragged her out to brunch with herself and her aunt.
“You really do need to leave the house, Ariana, but you definitely need to shower first,” her mom said, wrinkling her nose.
“Fine, I’ll come,” Ariana said, kind of grateful for the distraction.
She went and got in the shower. Ariana couldn’t remember how many days ago she’d had her last shower. Most of the time she woke up but stayed in bed, only leaving her room to get food on the rare occasions she was actually hungry.
The last two weeks had been difficult. Her family had asked all the awkward questions she’d been avoiding. The Cruise Control scandal was still a minor news story in most outlets, but Ariana had stopped reading the articles and comments online when the hashtag DumpAriel started trending on social media.
All of the articles had pictures of Gabriel in them anyway, and they hurt so badly to look at. The few times she’d read comments that people were making, they hadn’t really gotten any better, either.
She’d turned the ringer and vibration off on her phone the day after she got home. It now lay completely silent at all times, even when someone was calling her. The only time she realized it was ringing was if she happened to be looking at it when they called.
And they called. They texted. They left voicemails that went unheard. Gabriel called most often, followed closely by Heather, and even Sebastian, Harrison, and Hayden had called once or twice each.
Ariana closed these notifications whenever she saw them. If the phone rang and she was looking at it, she would stare at the screen, allowing it to ring out rather than sending it directly to voicemail. The times that it was Gabriel calling were the worst.
She couldn’t bring herself to change his display picture in her contacts, so whenever he called, she was greeted with a selfie of the two of them cuddled up together and smiling as if everything in the world was perfect.
Ariana turned off the shower and stepped out. She grabbed her towel and wrapped it around herself. Given her train of thought, while she had been showering, Ariana couldn’t resist checking the screen of her phone and saw that Gabriel had sent her a text. She turned the screen off without unlocking the phone and dropped it on the bed.
She took a deep breath and then started drying herself. She towel-dried her hair and made her way to the bedroom, where she pulled on clean jeans and a shirt. She felt surprisingly human after having showered and changed.
She slowly made her way down to the livin
g area.
“Mom? Are you ready?” She called out.
Her mom appeared from the kitchen, dressed and ready to go. She looked mildly surprised to see Ariana was actually waiting for her.
“You’re coming, Ariana?” Her mom asked her.
“Yeah, I said I would. It’ll be nice to see Aunt Susan,” she smiled a genuine smile.
“Excellent, well let’s get going, then.”
Ariana got into the passenger side of her parents’ Camry, and they drove into downtown Chicago. She realized she had no clue what day of the week it even was. She checked her phone and saw it was Sunday, which explained the lack of cars on the road. She also saw that she had a text message from Heather.
She turned her head to look out of the window and let her phone go blank. How long would it be before they would give up on her, she wondered. She’d given them every reason to do so because she’d proven time and again that she was bad for Gabriel.
They arrived at the Fulton Market, near the West Loop. They parked and headed inside, where they were meeting her aunt. The restaurant where they were having brunch was an upmarket place that had the kitchens cooking the food as a feature with cooking stations in amongst the tables. Her aunt was already seated, so they went and joined her, each giving her a hug before sitting down.
“Hello, ladies,” her aunt greeted them.
“Hi, Susan,” her mom said.
Ariana just smiled. The restaurant was busy and active despite it being ten-thirty on a Sunday morning. It made her wish that she was back at home in her pajamas and lying in bed.
“How are you doing, dear?” Her aunt asked her solicitously.
“I’m fine,” Ariana replied.
“She’s made a big effort coming out today,” her mom smiled proudly, as though coming to brunch was the biggest achievement in the world.
“Of course,” her aunt said, “I’ve seen all the stories. I can’t imagine it’s been easy for you.”
“No, it hasn’t. It sucks, but there’s nothing I can do about it now,” she shrugged.
“What happened?” Her aunt asked her.
“It’s long and involved and too hard,” Ariana said.
“I get it. I’m here if you ever need to talk. I know this must be really, really tough for you.”
Ariana was struck by the fact that her aunt was probably the one person who really did know what she was going through. Of course, she wasn’t the first person in the world to deal with something like this, even though it felt like she was. She still wasn’t ready to talk about it, though, and she felt guilty for the times she had pressured her family to talk about any stories she’d seen about them.
“Thanks, Aunt Susan. I appreciate it,” she said, genuinely touched by her aunt’s gesture, but, wanting to change the topic, she added, “this place is really nice.”
“Yes, it is. Susan, how’s Lucas doing at college?” Her mom came to her rescue, distracting her aunt by asking after Ariana’s oldest cousin, who had recently started college.
Ariana tuned out their conversation and watched the people around them. Everyone seemed so relaxed, and she just felt tense, like a coiled spring ready to explode. How was everyone going on with their lives when hers was in such a mess? How did people do this? It felt so raw and painful right now that she couldn’t imagine this hurt would ever heal.
The waiter came to take their order, “what can I get for you, lovely ladies?”
“I’d like a Cobb salad and a glass of rosé,” her aunt said before turning to look at her mom.
“I’ll have the squash and apple salad and a glass of rosé as well. Ariana?” Her mom looked at her, and she quickly picked up the menu to have a look.
“Ummm, I’ll have the cinnamon toast and a mimosa. Thanks.”
The waiter left to take their orders to the nearest cooking station, and her aunt and mom continued their conversation. Ariana was zoned out, looking at the table when her phone screen lit up.
The picture of her and Gabriel flashed on the screen. It felt like being punched in the chest. If she hit that green button right now, she could talk to him. What would she say? She took a deep breath and let it out to try and avoid bursting into tears.
Ariana watched her phone for the full thirty seconds that the screen was lit up. It went dark as Gabriel’s call was diverted to voicemail. She wiped away a tear that was rolling down her face.
“Ariana?” Her mom got her attention, and she noticed that both her mom and her aunt were looking at her with concern.
Her screen lit up again to tell her that she had a voicemail from Gabriel, and all three women looked at it. Ariana flipped her phone over, so the screen was facing the table.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Ariana answered the unasked question.
Not long after that, their meals arrived, which was a welcome relief for Ariana. She ate the food, which was delicious, and the alcohol gave her a nice warmth. She made an attempt to join in the conversation, knowing that directing it away from her was the best way to avoid talking about the subject of Gabriel.
“Ariana, have you ever considered a career in real estate?” Her aunt asked her after a while.
“What? No, not really. Why?”
“My friend Charles has a real estate agency. He said they’re looking for new blood. I think you’d be perfect, and it fits right in with your qualifications as well.”
Ariana hadn’t really thought about what she would do for work. Her savings had slowly dwindled during her time on tour, and soon the sub-lease on her apartment would be up, and she’d have to go home and start paying rent.
Her parents would help her if she needed it as they had in the past, of course, but they’d done so much for her in this time that Ariana owed it to them to stand on her own two feet.
“I’d be happy to go for an interview,” she decided.
“Excellent, I’ll put in a good word for you,” her aunt smiled.
They left after about an hour and a half, and Ariana was more than ready to go home. She loved her aunt, but it was exhausting Ariana to interact with people right now. Her aunt paid the bill, and they all thanked the waiter and gave their compliments to the chef.
Later that night, her parents came and knocked on her door.
“We’re going out to dinner tonight, will you be okay on your own?” Her dad asked her.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine, Dad,” she told him.
“You know that we’ll come back if you need us for anything,” her mom said.
“I know.”
Her dad gave her a smile, “you can come with us if you want. We’re just catching up with the Richardsons.”
They were long-time family friends, and Ariana liked them well enough, but she knew there would be awkward questions, and she just wasn’t up to that right now.
“No, you go without me. Thanks for the invite,” she said mechanically.
“We worry about you, Ariana,” her mom said, coming over to give her a hug.
They both looked concerned, and Ariana felt bad for worrying her parents. She just felt so numb all the time. When she opened up the door to those feelings, she ached painfully for Gabriel and missed her friends more than ever.
“I know you do. I’m sorry. I love you guys,” she forced a smile back at them.
“Okay, well, you know where to find us,” her dad reminded her.
“Have a nice night,” she said as they left her room.
She flopped back on her bed and let out a huge breath as she heard her parents shut the front door. After another minute, she heard their car leave. She was alone for probably the first time since she’d gotten back to Chicago. Her parents had always made sure that one or the other of them was home with her.
Ariana didn’t know what they thought she would do if she was left alone, but she tried not to think too hard about that. There were dark options down that path.
She made her way downstairs and picked up the TV remote. She sat down on the sofa and started looking thro
ugh Netflix. She found a cheesy romantic comedy and put it on. At least somebody would get a happy ending.
About ten minutes in, her phone lit up with the picture of Gabriel and her again. She paused the movie and just watched her phone. When it went blank, she got up and headed to her parents’ liquor cabinet.
She grabbed a bottle of vodka and found some Sprite in the fridge. She poured herself a strong drink and went back to the sofa. Ariana turned the movie back on and enjoyed her drink. When she finished the first drink, she poured herself another, being heavy-handed with the vodka.
By the time the movie finished, she was pretty much drunk. She ignored the suggestions for other movies to watch, resentful already to the main characters in the one she’d just watched for getting a happy ending. That wasn’t real life.
She picked up her phone, and it showed her the notification of the voicemail from Gabriel. She longed to hear his voice; it had been too long since she had seen him, and every part of her ached for him. Maybe she would just listen and see what he had said. She unlocked her phone and went to her voicemails.
There they were in a list. All the voicemails that had been left for her. Apparently, Sebastian had called her sometime that afternoon. She might as well listen to that, too. Pouring herself another drink, Ariana decided in her drunken state that the best idea was just to listen to all of the messages.
She scrolled down the list to the first one she’d received two weeks ago. One by one, she listened to the messages that had been left on her voicemail.
“Ari,” her heart ached at the sound of Gabriel’s voice, “can you please come back up to my room? We need to talk about this. I’ll see you soon.”
“Ariana, darling? It’s Heather, what the hell happened? Gabriel said you’re leaving. Where are you?” Heather sounded really concerned.
“Ari, are you coming up to talk to me or not? Please don’t tell me that this is really happening.”
Tears started rolling down Ariana’s eyes at the hurt she had caused him and Heather.