by Sian Ceinwen
Drinking cocktails together at a fancy New York restaurant and learning more about the woman who would go on to become one of the best friends she’d ever had. Ariana wondered, again, if Heather was here tonight. She wished she could talk to her, apologize for leaving the way she did, find out what she’d been up to over the last two years. Talk and laugh like they had that day in New York.
She’d gone back to the hotel and had sex with Gabriel, that day, too. Their sex life while they were on tour had been amazing. She’d never considered herself to be any kind of sex fiend, but even now, on lonely nights, she thought of Gabriel and the time they’d spent together. She had been with a couple of guys since then but nothing compared to Gabriel. Sometimes she wondered if he’d spoiled her for sex with anyone other than him.
Next to her, Charlotte had started screaming again as the seventh song came to an end. Ariana was shocked by the intensity of her desire to be with Gabriel again. Despite everything that had happened afterward, she wouldn’t change a thing about their time together, only the way she had left.
It had been so beautiful and so special that she would cherish the memory of it until the day she died. Looking up at the stage, she was hit by feelings of lust, mixed with the familiar pang of heartbreak. No, she would never be with Gabriel again, and it turns out people were wrong; time didn’t heal all wounds, sometimes they were just too deep to ever truly mend.
Onstage, a spotlight shone down on Gabriel, and he waited for the audience noise to dim down before he could speak.
“I wrote this next song for somebody very special. Sometimes people don’t realize just how amazing they are unless they’re told. This person was just like that,” his smile was heartbreakingly beautiful, and the band began to play.
Ariana got chills when she heard the familiar strains of the song they were playing. It was her song. The one that Gabriel had written for her to tell her how he felt. The one that he had performed the night that he told her that he loved her for the first time.
The memories of that night were so bittersweet and painful to Ariana that she couldn’t help the tears that flowed from her eyes. Luckily, Charlotte wasn’t looking at her when Ariana leaned over and mumbled in her ear that she was going to the bathroom.
Ariana managed to make the sanctity of the bathroom, which was blessedly empty before she gave way to the sobs that wracked her body. She would give anything she had to go back to that night one more time.
It would be worth going through all of the pain and heartache once more just to experience that one night of bliss again. It wasn’t the last good night they’d had together, but it had been one of the best nights of her life. She’d felt so loved, so beautiful, so perfect. It was a feeling that had left her permanently on the day she left the tour.
Ariana straightened up quickly from the wall she had leaned against while crying as two women ran into the bathroom. One of them urged the other to hurry up as they rushed into the stalls, obviously wanting to get back to the concert as soon as they could.
Ariana grabbed a hand towel and used it to dry her eyes while taking some deep breaths and calming down. She assessed her reflection in the mirror; her eyes were puffy from crying.
She splashed her face with water from the tap and patted it dry with the hand towel. This concert was turning into a far more emotionally taxing endeavor than she’d originally thought it would be.
She walked out of the bathroom and back into the stadium after the next song had already begun. It was another love song, and fresh tears stung Ariana’s eyes. Reliving all of the good times she’d had with Gabriel was hard.
She knew, of course, that it had never been the right decision to leave the tour. It had been the most difficult choice she’d ever had to make, but she had truly believed it was the right thing to do at the time. After she’d started seeing her therapist and come to the conclusion that she had been wrong to leave, he’d encouraged her to try to contact Gabriel to talk.
Ariana had decided not to. It had been a year at that point, and she’d felt that it wasn’t fair for her to open up his old wounds so that she could feel better about herself. Ariana looked at the man who was singing on stage and sighed. Not for the first time tonight, she ached to be with him. It hurt her so much to be so near to him and not to be able to talk to him, not that she had any idea what she could possibly even say to him. Probably just that she was so sorry for hurting him.
What was between them was in the past, though, and her being here just proved that she actually was a masochist. Ariana looked towards the door. She could leave, just walk away, and maybe the pain wouldn’t be as bad as it was right now.
Okay, so the wound had already broken open and was bound to hurt even more now, but sitting here and watching him for another forty-five minutes was insane, yet the gravitational pull towards Gabriel was still there.
Slowly but surely, Ariana walked back to her seat where Charlotte was sitting. She had barely seemed to have noticed that Ariana had gone anywhere at all. Taking her seat once again, the song that Gabriel was singing on stage pulled her back to her past.
Remembering the night that they’d met those fans while they were out playing pool, Ariana could clearly see in hindsight that the cracks had always been there in their relationship. She’d done her best to turn a blind eye to them, but they were there whether she had chosen to acknowledge them at the time or not. That night would have been a lot different for everyone if she hadn’t been the way she was.
The worst part of it all was that it was blatantly obvious to her now that it was her issues, not Gabriel’s, that caused any problems between them. Her insecurities, her faults, her constant inner voice telling her that he would leave her, telling her that what they had wasn’t permanent, it was those things that truly broke them apart. That knowledge cut deep, and Ariana found herself hurting more than she had in a long, long time.
As the song changed once again, Ariana was stuck in reflection. For the longest time, Ariana had justified her actions to herself, always believing that she had done what was best for her and had been protecting herself the only way she knew how.
She had always thought that she was tagging along on Gabriel’s ride, but she could see now that he had been along for hers. He’d done everything she had asked of him and more. How had she allowed it all to get so out of hand?
The song Gabriel was singing on stage reminded her of one of the most precious memories she had of her time on the tour. The day that they had spent those hours under the stage together had been a tumult of emotions for Ariana. The time they’d spent together talking and making love had been absolutely beautiful, and she cherished that memory.
To this day, though, she would still cry when thinking about how she felt standing on those steps to the stage as Cooper had confirmed all of her internal negative thoughts. It was as though she had been able to see the rest of Gabriel’s life mapped out in front of her, and she wasn’t a part of it.
Her heart ached painfully as she looked up at Gabriel on stage in front of her. If she could go back, she would tell herself to listen to him, not Cooper. Gabriel had defended her at that moment, he had only ever proven his love and commitment to her, and she had ultimately thrown that back in his face.
Charlotte was screaming again, and it was frustrating to Ariana. Her heart was broken, and all Charlotte cared about was acting like a crazed, teenage fan. Immediately after thinking that, Ariana felt bad. She might be a bit zealous, but Charlotte was a nice person who had no idea what Ariana was going through just by being here. Gabriel was finishing the song now, and the audience went wild.
He was looking around the audience when his eyes landed on her. Ariana shrunk back in her seat and quickly lifted her program up in front of her to cover her face. She knew the odds of him recognizing her from the stage with the lights still shining on him weren’t very high, but it had shocked her.
His blue eyes had pierced through her, and she wondered how she had ever manag
ed to walk away. Even now, she marveled that she had been able to do it, because here they were, two years later, and every part of her was screaming that she had made the wrong decision.
The rest of the band walked off the stage, leaving Gabriel alone. A group of roadies rolled a white grand piano to the middle of the stage, and Gabriel sat on the piano stool, slotting his microphone neatly into a stand near his head.
“This song,” Gabriel began as the audience quieted, “is one of the few songs that I’ve written both the lyrics and music for with no input from anyone else. I can openly say that it means a lot to me, and I hope that it means as much to you.”
He began to play the simple refrains from a song that had stayed at the top of the charts for months, something that was almost unheard of. Gabriel’s voice echoed around the arena.
Without the distraction of any instruments other than the piano, the emotion behind the song was clear to everyone listening, and Ariana was not the only person in the crowd feeling emotional at the words he sang. While other people were reminded of their troubled relationships, Ariana was reminded of theirs.
Gabriel had asked her outright if he had anything to worry about after the day Sebastian had come to see her in her hotel room, and she had lied to him. That lie had haunted Ariana ever since that day. She regretted not being honest with Gabriel at that moment. Nothing would’ve changed, but at least she wouldn’t have that extra guilt hanging over her head.
Gabriel finished singing the tenth song, and Charlotte leaned over to Ariana with tears in her eyes and said, “you have no idea how much that song means to me! It brings me to tears every time!”
Ariana swallowed deeply. She couldn’t respond to Charlotte, couldn’t explain to her friend that if the song had that effect on a regular fan, it was a thousand times worse for her. Onstage, Gabriel remained seated at the piano as the rest of the band joined him back on stage, taking their places in front of the crowd.
“What? You weren’t happy with just me?” Gabriel asked the audience as they screamed at the returning band members.
The crowd screamed louder at this, and Gabriel laughed. Ariana could tell that it was a genuine laugh. He really did enjoy connecting with his fans.
Gabriel began to sing a song with the backup of Sebastian playing some simple chords on guitar and Hayden playing a fast beat on the drums. It was a song about the emotion of a relationship falling apart.
Ariana was transported back to what was undoubtedly one of the most exciting nights of the tour. The day of the Grammys had been such a fun day. She’d spent it with Heather, truly living the lifestyle of the rich and famous. She had felt so completely at peace there with Gabriel when she’d gotten back to their hotel room, as they stood on the precipice of cementing their relationship by being seen with him publicly.
While the Gabriel onstage brought the song to a close, Ariana wished she could go back in time to that day and change the course of the events that followed. The crowd cheered wildly. Charlotte screamed with them, and Ariana cringed at the pain in her ears.
Once everyone had quietened down, piano music rang through the arena, and Gabriel’s silky voice joined in for the first half of the first verse before the rest of the band started playing, and the tempo of the song picked up.
The words cut Ariana deeply. They spoke of a relationship falling apart. Of unspoken words breaking two lovers apart. Of needing a reason to stay.
As Gabriel finished singing the first verse, a soft, gentle voice began singing the second verse, which was the alternate viewpoint of the relationship. The audience screamed again as April Conway appeared from the wings and walked to the center of the stage while singing her verse.
Gabriel joined her for the chorus. The duet was deeply emotional, and Ariana could practically hear herself saying these exact words to Gabriel in the past. She had tried so hard to leave the limo with him at the Grammys, but her fear had been all-consuming at the time. Once again, he had been nothing but supportive. Heather had been nothing but supportive. Hell, even Sebastian hadn’t given a second thought to ditching his date when Heather had told him what she’d done.
When Gabriel and April finished their duet. He thanked her for her special performance for the final night of their tour, and the audience roared their appreciation. Ariana wished she could pause time. She’d never heard this album, but she didn’t want to hear the next song. Not because she thought it would be bad, but because she knew what was coming. She knew what happened the next day.
This song is probably one of the hardest I’ve ever had to write,” Gabriel began onstage.
The crowd made an “aww” sound in unison. They, of course, all knew the song he was referring to. The piano was rolled back out, and Gabriel sat down and began to play a simple refrain from the beginning of the song as he spoke to the audience.
“I say that I ‘had,’ to write it, and I mean that. It was a very difficult time for me, and writing this helped me to try and put everything into perspective. It’s a song about how you can try as hard as you can to hold on to someone, but sometimes you just have to let them go.”
There were a few screams from around the arena as Gabriel continued to play the same chords, and Sebastian’s guitar added to his piano music.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Hayden Vega!” Gabriel announced.
Hayden began singing the first verse. As it ended, Hayden began playing the drums, and Harrison joined in with the bass as well for the second verse. When they reached the chorus, the rest of the band joined in.
The song tore at Ariana’s heart as she had known it would. Gabriel had always left the option open for her to stay, but she still chose to go. When Hayden finished singing the final verse of the song, the band sang the last chorus together. The crowd went wild, inadvertently celebrating the end of her relationship with Gabriel.
It had been, without a doubt, the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. Walking away took a momentous amount of strength. She had been sure at the time that it was the only course of action, but now she frequently wondered how she might have handled it all differently.
She couldn’t change the past, though. She had gotten on that plane, flown home, and met her parents at the airport, puffy-eyed and exhausted. They’d taken her home where she’d cried herself to sleep in her childhood bed. She had spent two years trying to get over him and what she’d done. Tonight had been so hard, but surely, it must be over soon.
The lights came up on the stage, and Gabriel walked over to his mic as the roadies rolled the piano back off the stage again.
“I want to thank you all for coming out tonight!” The crowd cheered, “you’ve been a great audience, and we are so grateful to finish our tour here at home in Chicago. We have so much love for our hometown!”
The audience went wild at the reminder that Cruise Control ‘belonged,’ to them. Charlotte was screaming in Ariana’s ear.
“And on that note, it’s time for us to play our final song from Heart Wide Open.”
The crowd made the “aww” sound in unison again.
“We’ve had a ton of fun tonight, though,” Sebastian chimed in.
“Yeah, we really have,” Gabriel said, “now, this song was written with a certain person in mind. I hope that person is out there tonight and if you are, I hope that you hear this song and I hope that it–”
He was cut off by the audience who chimed in, “Hurts Like Hell!”
The band started playing the song that Charlotte had shown her that morning. Ariana had to admit, the lyrics stung. It was basically saying that Gabriel hoped she felt like crap when she heard it. Mission accomplished, she guessed.
True to his word, Gabriel hadn’t called her again after he’d left his final voicemail, and all contact with the band had ceased from that point on. She didn’t know what he’d said to them, but nobody called or messaged again. He truly did give her the space he’d offered.
Many times after that day, Ariana had picked up her pho
ne and considered dialing him or Heather, or any of them, but she didn’t. She couldn’t count the number of times she had listened to that last voicemail. She could probably recite it by rote if she wanted to. It reminded her that he needed her to be out of his life in order to let her go. That was part of why she’d resisted her therapist’s suggestion of contacting him.
Onstage, he was singing that he hoped the song would put her through hell. She had hurt him so badly that he had obviously, at one point, wished that for her. She wondered if he would be satisfied to know that she had gone through hell.
Starting a new life without him in it had been awful. It had been even harder as the band had gotten even more famous. She’d had to avoid conversations with Charlotte after she’d gotten the real estate job and met her deskmate. She remembered thinking what a cruel twist of fate it was that Charlotte was so obsessed with Cruise Control. There was even a picture of the band up at Charlotte’s desk still to this day.
The crowd went wild as the band finished the song and thanked them for being a great audience. They left the stage as the lights came up. It wouldn’t be long now, and Ariana would be able to escape this private hell.
The Encore
A few people had started leaving the arena, obviously wanting to get out before the masses. Ariana knew there would be an encore, though, as there always was. Sure enough, after less than a minute, the lights dimmed again, and the crowd roared as the band came back on stage and took their places for the final time that evening.
“I can’t thank you all enough for coming out tonight,” Gabriel told the crowd.
They screamed again, and he waited for the crowd to quieten down before continuing.
“I wrote a lot of Heart Wide Open while I was—” he paused and made an exaggerated thinking pose with his finger tapping on his cheek “—man, how would you describe it?”