by Tracy Brown
Days passed and soon weeks and I felt like I had a cloud over me 24/7. Dream tried the best way she could to help me feel better, but I just couldn’t bring myself to smile. I felt like she was naggin’ me to talk to her. “Tell me what’s on your mind, Lamin.” She got on my nerves. I just ain’t feel like talkin’. Zion was helpful during that time, just by being the same friend he’d always been. He didn’t bring up the situation unless I did. I appreciated that. It got to the point that I worked harder just to escape the need for conversation. Then the unthinkable happened.
I got a call while I was on the set in Queens. Papa was in the hospital, and Grandma wanted us all to come there at once. Me and Olivia sped back to Staten Island and arrived at the hospital in half an hour. We found Curtis, Aunt Inez, and Grandma in the hallway. “Your mother and Uncle Eli are in with him,” Grandma explained.
“What happened?” I was worried. I never expected Papa to be admitted to the hospital. He seemed to be feeling better the last time I saw him.
“He had a stroke, baby. The whole left side is paralyzed, and he’s weak. The doctor said he’s in bad shape, so I thought you should come see him.” Grandma was holding it together, but I could see the tears in her eyes. They had been together for over thirty years. They were friends and spouses. I knew her heart was breaking. I hugged her, and Curtis comforted his moms. Aunt Inez looked like she’d been crying.
I saw my mother and Uncle Eli come out, so I decided to go in to see Papa. I walked in and he looked like he was so tired. “What’s wrong, old man? You ain’t tryin’ to leave me so soon are you?” I was trying not to cry seein’ him all frail like that.
“I ain’t … sure I got a … choice no more, Lamin.” Papa sounded defeated. “I’m … tired, son.” I said nothing. The room was quiet as I sat beside his bed. “I want you to … know that I’m … proud of you, Lamin.” Papa sounded funny with only one side of his mouth moving. “I’m … proud of what you … did with yourself. Your mother … loves you, too. She got a fucked-up … way of showin’ it. But she loves you. You gotta … forgive her … and you gotta forgive … yourself.”
I wondered if the medication had Papa talkin’ crazy. I didn’t think I had anything to forgive myself for. “I understand, Papa …”
“Make sure you … look out for her. Look out … for Olivia and your … Aunt Inez. Curtis, too. He needs you to … show him an … example.”
“I will, Papa. You just worry about getting better so you can come on home and let Grandma spoil you.”
Papa grinned again. “Your Grandma is a … good woman. She’s the only woman I ever … really loved. Tell her it’s alright, Lamin.”
I nodded. “She’s strong. I’ll make sure Grandma is alright. Just get better.”
Olivia came in, walked over to the bed, and kissed Papa’s forehead. She talked to him and told him how much she loved him. I wondered then if I had ever told Papa that I loved him. I was feelin’ sadness about my moms and fear for Papa’s well-being. Before long, I was overwhelmed and I decided to go home.
“Papa, I’ll be here early in the morning to see you. Right after breakfast, I’ll be here, okay?” Papa nodded. “I love you, Papa.”
He smiled. “I love you, too, Lamin. Be good … and take care.”
I went home, took a shower, ate some of Dream’s delicious baked ziti, and watched TV By the time I fell asleep I was drained, emotionally and physically. When I woke up in the morning, my mother called to tell me that Papa had died in his sleep.
I cried for days straight. What would I do without Papa? The women in the family—Grandma, Olivia, my mother, and Aunt Inez—made all the wake and funeral arrangements. I paid for everything, including a funeral reception after the interment. It was a sad occasion, but Papa looked handsome as usual. Some soloists from Grandma’s church sang the funeral hymns, and Grandma sat up front between Aunt Inez and my mother with Uncle Eli on the end. Olivia took my mother shopping and had her makeup done so that she wouldn’t look sick. Everybody looked nice, and the service was simple and sad. Papa would have been proud to see the church packed to capacity for his homegoing service.
As the minister spoke of Papa’s life and what he’d seen and done, I looked around the church at all the people who’s lives Papa had touched. Olivia sobbed softly into Zion’s shoulder as he held her. Grandma’s body shook as she sobbed. As I scanned the crowd, I noticed a woman come in wearing all black with a long silky ponytail. I wiped the tears from my blurry eyes and focused on her once again and, to my surprise, it was Lucky. She sat in the back—in the very last pew—and I watched her cry softly for my grandfather. She had always had a special bond with Papa. He told me over and over what a good woman she was. As I looked at Dream sitting beside me I wondered if I would ever stop loving Lucky. I hadn’t seen her in such a long time, but watching her sit in the back of the church with her face just as pretty as the first day we met, I realized that she would always have a piece of my heart. Our gazes fell on each other simultaneously, and she mouthed the words, “I’m sorry.” I wished she was talking about what happened between us and not just the fact that my grandfather was dead.
The funeral ended, and we all said good-bye to Papa one by one with the guests visiting the casket first so the family could grieve last. I watched countless neighbors, friends, acquaintances, relatives, and church members cry at Papa’s body. And then Lucky arrived at the casket and stood still. She touched Papa’s hand and whispered in his ear. Then she bent and kissed his face and walked away sobbing. I wanted to go after her and ask if I could talk to her.
But I had to bid Papa farewell. I stood at his side, felt his body hard and cold. And I wept like a child. I didn’t care who saw me. I loved that man. He was all I had at one time, and he never failed me. He inspired me. I looked up to him. And he was gone. I fell apart.
Finally I pulled myself together. I had to act as a pallbearer along with Curtis, Uncle Eli, Zion, and some of the young men from Grandma’s church. Dream couldn’t make it to the burial or the funeral reception since she had to fly out of town with a group from Sony to do press for their upcoming tour. I kept looking through the crowd for Lucky, but she was nowhere in sight. I wanted to talk to her so bad. Dream had to go so I kissed her good-bye as she got into the Towncar that would drive her to the airport. I handled my duties as Papa’s pallbearer and greeted and hugged those who would not be heading to the cemetery.
Finally, the funeral procession was ready to begin. And as I walked to my car, I heard what sounded like music.
“Lamin.” It was Lucky.
I turned and looked at her, remembering the last time I saw her and realizing that she looked better than ever.
“I just wanted to talk to you to tell you that I’m sorry about your grandfather.” She paused. “Papa was always so nice to me. He made me feel like part of the family and …”
“You are part of the family, Lucky.” I said it without thinking. I forgot for a moment that things had changed. Forgot that I was married now. “Papa always loved you.”
She smiled. “I loved him, too. He taught me how to make all those foods you loved so much.”
I smiled, too, remembering Lucky and Papa spending hours in the kitchen, while I taste-tested the food. Those were some good times, and I realized how much I missed that.
“Are you coming to the funeral reception at the Staaten?”
She shook her head. “I don’t have no business being there, Lamin …”
“I’m asking you to come.” I looked in her eyes. “I want you to be there. Please.”
Lucky hesitated, unsure.
“Please.” My eyes pleaded with her.
“I’ll see you there,” she said at last. I watched her walk to her car and I joined the family in the funeral procession. In the back of my mind I wondered if Papa was smiling up in heaven.
Lucky
By the time I arrived at the Staaten, the place was packed. The deejay played the songs that Papa loved—Otis Redding, Jackie Wilson, W
ilson Pickett—and the dance floor was filled with folks celebrating Papa’s life. The food was delicious, and the open bar helped everyone forget their pain for a moment. The atmosphere was solemn, yet celebratory. Papa would have been proud. I walked in and saw the familiar family faces I hadn’t seen in far too long. Curtis hugged me for a long time.
“Wassup, Lucky?” He smiled. “It’s good to see you again, girl. You know Lamin ain’t never deserve you. You’re the one I was supposed to marry.”
I figured Curtis had too much to drink so I smiled at his comment and made my way over to Grandma and Olivia who were sitting with Lamin’s mother. I still didn’t like his mother, but I had to pay my respects to Lamin’s Grandma. I hugged her and told her how sorry I was and she smiled, seemed happy to see me there. Olivia hugged me like I was the sister she hadn’t seen in ages, and that felt good. She was pregnant and glowing. I was so happy for her and Zion. They were overjoyed at the thought of being parents. Olivia insisted that I go shopping with her to help her pick out baby clothes, bedding, and strollers. I realized that even though things fell apart between me and Lamin, his family still liked me and that meant a lot. I felt loved.
Then I heard the voice that still sent chills up my spine.
“Can I borrow her for a minute, y’all?”
Everyone agreed and I turned around to see Lamin, still lookin’ good. Although I could see the pain in his eyes from losing Papa, I couldn’t help noticing how handsome he still was. We walked outside to the side of the building and found a bench to sit on. When we sat down, Lamin reached for my hand and looked up at the sky.
“So much is different since you left me, Lucky.” He stared at the stars while I tried to think of something to say. Lamin didn’t give me a chance.
“I just found out that my mother has AIDS.”
My mouth fell open as the power of his words hit home. I gasped. “Lamin …”
“Now Papa’s dead and I gotta hold everybody down. I don’t know if I can do it.”
I was shocked and I felt so sorry for him. I knew that he had a tough relationship with his mother. He was never close to her because she had never mothered him. Lamin felt that his mother had always put the men in her life first, and he resented her for that. Finding out that she was dying was a blow Lamin wasn’t expecting, and my heart went out to him.
“You can do it, Lamin. If anybody can, you can. Papa would want you to take care of your mother. You have to forgive her and be the bigger person now.”
He nodded. “I know. I just can’t believe she’s gonna die. She don’t deserve that.”
We sat quietly, holding hands and looking at the sky. I wondered if Lamin was as happy to be holding my hand as I was to be holding his. Jalil never crossed my mind. It was all about Lamin. I missed him, and I was glad that Dream was not around. I needed closure with Lamin. I guess he was thinking the same way since he said, “I’m sorry I hurt you, Lucky. You didn’t deserve that either.” He looked at me, stroked my cheek, and shook his head. “I played myself, and I know I was wrong. I apologize.”
I looked away, didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes. I still loved Lamin. I didn’t respond to his apology.
“Lucky,” he said. “You probably hate me …”
“Nah, I don’t hate you, Lamin. I just hate what happened. I hate the fact that you married someone, and it wasn’t me. I hate that shit. But I still care for you. I always will. I’m just not over the shock of the whole thing, that’s all.” Even on the day of my college graduation, I found myself longing to see Lamin’s face in the crowd, proudly watching me achieve my dream. But he was nowhere in sight. Instead, my family and my friends cheered me on. It felt good, knowing that I had done it on my own.
It had been more than a year since Lamin got married. Yet the sting of the whole situation had not gone away. He looked like my words made him feel bad, and I felt guilty, knowing that he had just buried his grandfather and his mother was dying of an incurable illness. He didn’t need me running a guilt trip on him to add insult to injury. I softened the blow.
“When I came to Papa’s funeral today, I wasn’t sure you would be happy to see me.”
Lamin frowned. “Why wouldn’t I be happy to see you?”
I shrugged. “Well, you’re married now, Lamin. I don’t fit into the family picture anymore.”
“Stop that. You are always welcome in my family. Olivia loves you like a sister. Grandma always admired you. And Papa … well he loved you to death.”
Lamin and I both smiled at the memory of Papa. He was such a wise and funny man and I missed him as if he were my own grandfather. Papa had always made me feel at home with him and I admired him so much.
Lamin said, “He’s the reason I got out of the game and started Shootin’ Crooks. He made me realize that I had to get my life together before things got too out of control. I remember him telling me his long stories …”
“Yeah, Papa sure could tell a story!” I laughed remembering the countless times he had entertained me with his tales of days gone by. “He always told the right story for the right occasion.”
We laughed and remembered Papa and all his ways. It was bittersweet. Lamin brought up the holiday dinners we had with his family and the times we spent with his grandfather over the years. And I couldn’t help wishing I could go back to those times. I wished I could just have those moments back for a little while.
We went back inside, sat with Lamin’s family, and talked about Papa. Lamin’s grandmother seemed so sad, and I wondered how she was handling all of it. Her daughter had AIDS and her husband was dead. I sat with her for a long time, telling her about my new life as a businesswoman and reminding her how much Papa had loved her. Olivia and I took a stroll down memory lane as well, discussing all the shopping sprees and girls’ nights out on the town. She seemed happy with Zion. He was still as thugged-out as ever, but he was sweet to her. It was good to see that at least somebody’s story had a happy ending.
It felt so good to be back in the company of the Michaels family. I missed all of them and it was sad as the hour got late and the guests began to disperse. Lamin’s Aunt Inez seemed happy with her new beau. He held her hand and was so attentive to her all night. I was happy for her. She took Grandma home with her and Lamin’s mother and Uncle Eli left as well. Soon, it was just me, Lamin, Olivia, Zion, and Curtis that remained as we sat at a round table sipping Hennessy and wishing the pain would go away.
Zion and Olivia decided to leave after about another hour or so. Everyone hugged and kissed them good-bye. I noticed that Curtis extended his hand and gave Zion a loose handshake rather than a hug. Zion didn’t seem to care. He came over to where I sat and kissed me on the cheek. Before he departed, he whispered in my ear, “I still think you’re the girl for Lamin. One day, he’ll see it, too.” I smiled and he winked at me and left with Olivia.
Next, Curtis told us he had some business to take care of, so he hugged us and left. He seemed like he was taking Papa’s death really hard and I felt so sorry for him. I knew he had missed out on Papa’s life while he was locked away and I could only imagine what he must’ve been feeling.
I realized that even though it had felt good to be with everyone again, it was time for me to make my exit. Lamin turned to me.
“Don’t leave yet, Lucky. I don’t think I feel like being by myself right now.”
I struggled within. I didn’t want to leave Lamin alone, but I wasn’t sure I could handle further contact with him. He still made my pulse quicken whenever I heard his voice. “I should go, Lamin. I have some work to catch up on and it’s getting late.”
He walked over to me and said, “Please, don’t leave yet.” I could smell his breath as our faces were only inches apart. I wanted to kiss him, but I wouldn’t let myself. But I also knew I didn’t want to leave at that moment. Then staff came in to clean up the reception hall.
“We can’t stay here,” I said, looking at the busboys cleaning the table. “They’re gonna kick
us out soon.”
Lamin didn’t budge. “So where can we go?”
I looked in his beautiful eyes and melted all over again. “If you want, I can show you my new apartment in St. George.” I couldn’t believe those words had come out of my mouth. I thought about Jalil then. He would never come by without calling first, so it should be safe for me to bring Lamin to my house. But was that really the right thing to do?
He nodded. “I would like that. Let’s go.”
We drove there in my car. Lamin talked about how his company had grown, and the whole time, I was trying to convince myself that I could keep my panties on when we were alone together. We arrived at my place, and I parked the car. Lamin was impressed with my large loft apartment and the way I had decorated it. “You always had a knack for putting together a home,” he said.
I wished it was our home and not just my home. But I didn’t say that. Instead, I turned on the radio and poured us some drinks. We sat on my plush sofa, and I filled him in on my life, my career, my family, and my goals. He told me about his new life, and I listened. We were like two old friends with a little unfinished business. Every now and then, Lamin reached over and touched my hand, or moved my hair out of my face like he used to do. I guess old habits die hard. It was good to be with him again. I wasn’t entirely surprised when the subject turned back to us.
“You know, I miss you, Lucky. Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I had chased after you. Maybe I should have begged you to stay …”
I didn’t let him finish. “Lamin, I was stubborn. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me. That’s why I left. I just never expected you to go and marry somebody else.” There, I said it. “I felt like you couldn’t possibly love me since you married Dream so soon after we split up.”
Lamin nodded his understanding. “I never stopped lovin’ you, Lucky.”
“Then why did you marry her, Lamin?”
“I was mad at you. I know I had no right to be upset since I was the one who fucked up. But I never thought you would leave me. When you did, I wanted to get over you the fastest way possible. Honestly, if I could do it again, I probably would have did things different.”