Shock rippled over his fiercely beautiful face, swiftly followed by a frown of disbelief.
“Why would I be happy?”
She hunched her shoulder, feeling raw and exposed now that the truth was out. “You’ve obviously spoiled me for other men.”
She expected smug contentment. Didn’t most men long to think that they were such fantastic studs that no other man could satisfy their previous lovers?
Instead, Luc appeared troubled. Grabbing her shoulders, he turned her to meet his searching gaze.
“Because I walked out?” he demanded, his voice thick with regret. “Are you afraid the men will hurt you?”
It would be so easy to say yes. To let him think that he’d destroyed her life by leaving her that night. She sensed that far from being proud at her inability to find pleasure with another man, it would truly torture him to believe he’d caused such damage.
But he was right.
She’d never been deliberately cruel.
“I don’t know.” She gave a helpless shake of her head. “I can date a guy, enjoy his company, and even be aroused when we go to bed, but then…” She sucked in a deep breath. “Then suddenly my mind is filled with images of you touching and kissing me and the moment is lost.”
He took a second to analyze her words before his fingers tightened on her arms, his eyes narrowing.
“And because I happened to pop up in your sexual fantasies, you returned to Vegas to sleep with me again?” he rasped. “Is that supposed to make sense?”
She licked her dry lips, her breath catching as his gaze was dragged downward to watch the unconsciously provocative movement.
“I thought…” She grimaced. It was going to sound stupid no matter how she said it. “I hoped that once I’d slept with you and walked away I would feel…empowered.”
His brows arched. “Empowered?”
Yep. It sounded stupid.
She clicked her tongue with impatience. “It was supposed to be an exorcism that would get you out of my head for good.”
The dark eyes flared with a sudden fury. “Of all the asinine—” He bit off his angry words, sucking in a deep breath. “Did you ever consider the fact that your inability to enjoy intimacy with a man has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you?”
She pulled out of his grip, her chin tilting to a defiant angle.
“What are you implying?”
“I’m not implying anything. I’m saying that there are two obvious explanations.”
She met his smoldering gaze without flinching. Maybe she’d been an idiot to return to Vegas, but she’d be damned if she let Luc intimidate her.
“Fine.” She folded her arms over her stomach, wishing to hell he’d put some clothes on. “Let’s hear your brilliant psychoanalysis.”
A portion of his anger seemed to ease at her taunting tone, his hand reaching to cup her chin. Did he sense her defensive vulnerability?
“It’s possible that you used the memory of me as a subconscious method of keeping other men at a distance,” he said, holding her derisive gaze. “Making me the bad guy was easier than admitting that you couldn’t open yourself up enough to reach your climax.”
“So why would I be able to—”
“Orgasm with me?” He finished her sentence, his lips twitching with a wry amusement at the heat that stained her cheeks.
She scowled. “Yes.”
“Because you trusted me.”
She snorted at his ridiculous explanation. “Then more the fool me.”
He grimaced at yet another reminder of his jackass behavior. “You trusted that I wasn’t going to press for more than you were willing to offer,” he clarified. “In your mind I was the guy who loved ‘em and left ‘em. No danger to your closely guarded heart.”
Madison barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She wasn’t about to admit that far from believing he was going to love and leave her, she’d devoted endless hours to fantasizing over the moment that Luc Angeli, the Dark Angel, would realize she was his one and only soul mate.
She’d truly thought she was the woman to tame the bad boy.
What an idiot.
“So I want to be alone?” she instead played along.
“You want a life where you’re in complete control.” He stepped closer, watching her tense as the heat of his naked body wrapped around her. “Not surprising. You were abandoned by your mother. It had to leave you with a fear of opening yourself up to anyone.”
Her lips thinned. Logically she knew her past had been a driving force in leaving Vegas, as well as in her success in her career. She’d been obsessed with the need to build a sense of security.
But she’d never been bitter.
Her mother was who she was: a weak, pathetic woman who’d spent her whole life searching for happiness that forever remained out of reach.
Madison felt nothing but pity for the woman who’d chosen a life of addicted misery. It certainly hadn’t twisted her ability to connect with other people.
“A fine theory, except for one glaringly obvious flaw,” she said in dry tones.
“And what’s that?”
“I’ve met hundreds of guys that I knew were without a doubt love ‘em and leave ‘em assholes.” Her smug expression dared him to deny her logic. “Why didn’t I crawl into bed with them?”
He smiled. A slow, wicked curling of his lips.
She shivered, feeling the power of his male charm tingle all the way to the tips of her toes.
“There’s another explanation,” he assured her.
“I’m afraid to ask,” she muttered, taking a discreet step backward.
One touch and she would be melting at his feet.
“You’re still in love with me.”
The breath was slammed from her lungs at his teasing words.
Still in love with him…
The accusation had been tossed at her only hours earlier by Kristen and she’d readily denied the claim. Now she realized that it wasn’t nearly so easy.
No. God, no.
She wasn’t so pathetic that she could have harbored an unrequited love for this man for eight years.
Was she?
A sick ball of dread lodged in the pit of her stomach as she recalled how often she’d compared her male companions to Luc’s dark, sinful beauty. Or how she’d returned from a night out feeling oddly restless, as if she’d been searching for some special quality in her date that was missing.
The sickness intensified. Christ. Could she have more of her mother in her than she originally suspected? Was she constantly seeking the one man she couldn’t have?
Madison gave an automatic shake of her head.
It’d been a stressful night that had become a damned mess.
After a good night’s sleep she’d be laughing at the mere suggestion she could still be in love with Luc Angeli.
“Screw this—I’m out of here,” she growled, pointing a finger in Luc’s face as he held up a hand to halt her retreat. “Touch me and I’ll kick you in the nuts.”
His brows snapped together at her threat, but his hand fell to his side. “Fine. You can run all you want, Maddy. Eventually the past will catch up with you.”
CHAPTER FIVE
If Madison possessed a gun she would have shot the alarm when it jolted her out of her restless sleep.
With a groan, she lifted her head, blearily reaching to grab her phone and end the chirping.
Eight thirty.
Crap. She’d been asleep less than two hours.
She hadn’t actually expected a good night’s sleep after she’d returned to Kristen’s apartment. Not after the way she’d parted from Luc. But it was still aggravating that she’d tossed and turned until after six a.m.
Even worse, she had an appointment at nine thirty that she couldn’t miss.
Cursing at the headache that felt as if it was drilling a hole in her brain, Madison stumbled from bed and into the shower.
Thirty minutes later
she was clean and dressed in faded jeans and a casual stretchy top. She pulled her hair into a braid, but she left her face bare of makeup.
Her appointment was at a shop known for its discretion, but there was no point in trying to attract unwanted attention. She was famous enough to occasionally capture the interest of the paparazzi.
Besides, there wasn’t enough makeup in the world to disguise the pallor of her skin or the purple shadows beneath her eyes.
Grabbing her purse, Madison stumbled out of her bedroom, lured toward the kitchen by the scent of freshly brewed coffee.
She ignored Kristen’s curious gaze as she moved to take a seat at the breakfast bar, deeply relieved when a cup of steaming black coffee was placed on the counter in front of her.
“Thank god,” she muttered.
“And good morning to you too, sunshine,” Kristen mocked, appearing nauseatingly perfect in her black pencil skirt and crisp white shirt. There wasn’t so much as a strand of honey hair out of place.
“Ugh.” Kristen sipped the coffee, sending her friend a jaundiced scowl. “Why are you shouting?”
The indigo eyes widened with surprise. “Do you need my famous cure for a hangover?”
Madison shuddered in horror. She’d only tasted the infamous cure one time, but it was enough to have left the hideous taste scorched into her memory.
“Not even if I was on my deathbed,” she muttered.
“Hey,” Kristen protested. “It’s guaranteed to work.”
Madison grimaced. “It also tastes like snail sludge.”
“How would you know?” Kristen narrowed her gaze. “Have you actually tasted snail sludge?”
Madison held up a hand, her brain still throbbing. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t have a hangover.”
“Uh-oh.” Kristen turned to cross the tiled floor, swiftly returning to place a small bakery bag in front of Madison. “Here.”
Madison frowned as she reached into the bag. “What’s this?”
“An emergency red velvet cupcake,” Kristen said. “I swung by the bakery last night just in case you failed in your mission.”
Madison pulled out the cupcake, her mouth watering at the sight of the cream cheese frosting topped with sprinkles.
“I didn’t fail,” she said, concentrating on pulling the wrapping from the cupcake in an effort to avoid her friend’s searching gaze.
Kristen made a sound of disbelief. “This is what you look like when you succeed?”
“It’s…complicated.”
“Somehow I’m not at all surprised,” Kristen said on a sigh. “Eat.”
Ignoring the massive calories that would have to be worked off at the gym, Madison demolished the cupcake in record time, pleased when her headache became almost bearable.
Nothing like sweet, gooey goodness to ease the pain.
“Mmm.” Madison licked her fingers. “Much better than your nasty hangover remedy.”
Kristen rolled her eyes, cleaning away the mess Madison had made. The woman was a true neat freak.
“Now tell me what happened,” Kristen commanded.
Madison wrinkled her nose, taking another sip of the coffee. “Luc Angeli happened.”
“Ah.” Kristen leaned against the edge of the counter, her expression warning she wasn’t going to allow Madison to leave until she had the full story. “So he was at the hotel.”
“Yes.”
“And as handsome as ever, the annoying devil,” the blonde-haired woman said, obviously having seen Luc around town.
“And as arrogant,” Madison muttered.
“What did you expect?”
Madison gave a short, humorless laugh. “A good question.”
Kristen stilled, studying Madison with a growing concern. “Maddy…” She abruptly grimaced. “Sorry, I meant—”
“Maddy’s fine,” she assured her friend. She’d ridiculously thought that insisting on being called Madison would somehow separate her from the naïve girl who’d so eagerly invited Luc into her bed.
The truth was that she would never be able to rid herself of Maddy.
Her past was simply a part of her.
“What happened?” Kristen prompted.
“It went just as I planned.” Madison grimaced as she was forced to relive her latest humiliation. “I met Luc at the party and less than a half hour later he was in my hotel room.”
“Not surprising,” Kristen murmured, her gaze closely studying Madison’s pale face. “No man could resist a night with Madison Philips.”
Madison shook her head. There were some men who would be attracted to her because she was a famous model, but that wasn’t why Luc had been so eager.
“Luc couldn’t resist a night with any woman willing to spread her legs,” she said in dry tones.
Kristen arched a brow. “I told you earlier that the rumor around Vegas is that Luc has become very particular in his choice of companions. I heard one of his friends say that he’d become a monk over the past couple of years.”
Madison ignored her friend’s words. Just as she’d ignored Luc’s claim that he’d changed from the shallow flirt he’d been when she’d known him.
“More likely he became more discreet.”
“That’s possible, I suppose,” Kristen slowly agreed, frowning as if troubled by Madison’s stark refusal to believe that Luc could change. “What happened when you got to the hotel room?”
Madison felt her cheeks heat. She told herself it was embarrassment. She wasn’t the sort of woman who enjoyed sharing the details of her sexual encounters with anyone, not even her best friend. But deep inside she knew that it was the remembered pleasure that made her face flush.
God. She ached in places that she’d never realized could ache.
The delectable ache of a woman who’d been well loved.
Her blush deepened as Kristen raised a questioning brow.
“I would think that was pretty obvious,” she mumbled.
Kristen chuckled. “So you did the deed?”
Madison nodded, although she’d never, ever call what happened between her and Luc ‘doing the deed.’
That implied a casual hookup. What happened last night was…
Anything but casual.
At least for her.
“We were together…yes,” she confessed.
Kristen leaned forward. “And how was it?”
“Mind-blowing.”
Kristen flashed a teasing smile. “Good for you, girlfriend.”
“No,” Madison growled, shoving away the coffee as her stomach twisted with a sick sense of inevitability. “Not good for me.”
Kristen’s smile faltered. “You wanted it to be a failure?”
“I wanted…” She made a sound of disgust at the memory of her smug confidence when she’d planned her trip to Vegas. She’d been so certain she wanted nothing more than revenge. It’d never occurred to her that she was using any excuse, no matter how pathetic, just to be with Luc Angeli. “Shit.” She rubbed her temples, the headache better, but still a dull throb behind her eyes. “I’m losing my mind.”
“I’m sorry, Maddy.” Kristen grimaced with regret. “If you don’t want to talk about this—”
“He claimed that I’m still in love with him,” Madison broke into her friend’s apology, abruptly revealing the truth.
Why not?
Kristen would worm it out of her one way or another.
Kristen abruptly frowned, her eyes searching Madison’s pale face. “You told me—”
“I know what I said.” Madison heaved a resigned sigh. “But I think I must have been in denial.”
Silence.
At last, Kristen cleared her throat. “Denial?”
“I wanted to believe I hated him.” Madison gave a helpless lift of her hands. “It was certainly better than accepting I couldn’t grow past my childish, schoolgirl crush.”
“What are you going to do?”
It was the first question that Madison had no trouble answering.
She’d made her decision during the long hours of staring at the ceiling.
“I’m going to my appointment then I’m returning to New York as I planned.”
Kristen looked like she’d just been slapped. “Going back to New York?”
“Yes.”
“You can’t.”
Madison blinked in surprise. She’d expected sympathy from her friend, not an adamant rejection of her plan.
“Why not?”
“Because you have to talk to Luc,” Kristen said.
Madison slid off her stool, her brows furrowed as she glared at her companion. “Have you gone insane? He’s the last person I want to see.”
“But…” Kristen looked as if she wanted to give Madison a good kick in the ass. “If you still love him then you have to see if this could work.”
Madison was shaking her head before Kristen finished speaking.
A part of her desperately wanted to stay. Just to be near Luc.
Then she realized just how sad and pathetic that would be.
Spending her days hoping to catch some glimpse of Luc, while he was constantly chasing another woman.
She shuddered.
“I can’t.”
“How do you know?” Kristen pressed.
“Because he’s Luc Angeli.”
“And?”
Madison wondered if her friend was being deliberately obtuse. She knew as well as Madison that staying in Vegas would offer her nothing more than heartache.
“And he’s not forever-after material,” she muttered in exasperation.
Kristen shrugged. “Who says?”
“I do.”
The indigo eyes narrowed. “Only because you’re a coward.”
Madison flinched at the accusation. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Kristen moved to stand directly in front of Madison, her expression unrepentant.
“You love Luc, but you’re too afraid of another rejection to give him a chance.”
Madison reached for her purse.
This had nothing to do with courage, she silently reassured herself.
Hadn’t she proved she could face whatever life could throw at her? That she could overcome any challenge and come out on top?
She was just smart enough to avoid repeating her mistakes.
First Rapture (The Rapture Series) Page 6