by KT Strange
I tried to keep my face neutral as we filtered into the school’s assembly hall. The stairs were steeply pitched, so that we could all see the stage no matter where we sat. I was in the J row, and as I trotted down the steps, I felt something hit my ankle. Laughter roared out of nowhere, and I stumbled, my arms flinging out to catch anyone or anything-
My fingers slipped through the air as I pitched forward. Everyone dove out of the way. The cement rose up to greet me. I closed my eyes, bracing for the impact, my forearm coming down-
It was going to hurt, it was going to hurt so bad…
An arm around my waist yanked me to the side, against someone’s hip. I looked up, panicked eyes meeting mine. Shawn.
“Fuck, Mia, you okay?”
“The hell is this?” Boots’s voice cut across the hall. I glanced up, my heart thumping like a thousand galloping hooves in my chest. “Who tripped you?” She pounded down the stairs, students getting out of her way. She shook her hair back behind her shoulders, her eyes flashing as Shawn made sure I was steady on my feet.
“I’m fine,” I said. Boots looked at me hard, then glared at the students around us.
“Not okay,” she said.
“She’s a slut,” someone muttered. Boots made a noise under her breath like a snarl. Shawn pulled me into his side. I flushed.
“Don’t,” I whispered to him, and pushed away. My legs trembled as I stood there trying to get my mind and body back under control.
“Sit with me,” Boots said, giving Shawn a shove. “You’ve caused enough trouble, idiot.”
My ears burned hot as Boots grabbed me by the arm and manhandled me down to one of the first rows, then tugged me to the end.
“What’re you-” I asked, but she just raised an eyebrow at me.
“Look, I may think what you’re doing is shit, but that doesn’t mean I want to see you break your neck.”
“I didn’t do anything,” I insisted. Boots snorted.
“Just sit, okay?” She folded herself into her seat, staring at the stage where our principal would stand in a few moments to address us.
I sighed and sat down, tucking my feet underneath my seat, and tried to calm my rapid breaths. I could still feel the ground as it was yanked out from under me, the weightless way I fell, and the hard step rushing toward me. The fall would have hurt me really badly at the very least. More likely, it would have broken bones.
Boots was stiff beside me, turning her head every so often to glare at the students closest to us. She was mad at me, but she was standing up for me at the same time, and no one was crossing her. I wished I could steal a bit of her backbone.
After a moment, I cleared my throat.
“Please, Boots, Shawn’s not… he and I aren’t anything. I never wanted this to happen. Shiv’s my, she was, my best friend here and…” I couldn’t help it. Fucking tears. I blinked them back and swallowed around the painful lump in my throat.
Boots hissed at me to be quiet, so I fell silent, staring ahead. It was one thing for her to protect me from being physically assaulted, but listening to me? That was a step too far, apparently.
Fine. She didn’t want to hear the truth? That was fine. I’d cope. I knew what was real. I lifted my head, and steeled my heart. I didn’t need anyone’s help or charity.
If I had to spend the rest of my days at HRA watching my back and being a social outcast, so be it.
Lunch was a surprise. I hadn’t packed anything, so I needed to go down to the cafeteria. Boots fell into step beside me when I got into line. When I glanced at her, her lips twitched.
“Don’t think this means anything. Some people are fucking stupid, and want to get into the good books of certain people… I’m just saying, watch your back, that’s all.” When we collected our trays, Boots nudged me. “C’mon, table at the back of the room.” She wandered, and I followed her, lost and confused. She avoided the cheer girls’ table, although I felt Shiv staring at me.
“Who-” I stopped short when I saw where she was putting down her tray. It was a mostly-empty table, half-covered in inky scribbles. Colt, with his blond hair falling in his eyes, sat at one end, drawing right on the table.
“Hey, degenerate,” Boots said with a smirk, sitting down.
“Hey, princess,” Colt replied, not looking up.
“Brought you a friend.”
“I know her,” Colt said, shooting me a look. “Slut du jour, huh?”
My cheeks burned.
“Shut up,” I muttered, banging my tray down. Colt laughed, glancing across the cafeteria.
“Oh, you’re making a statement, Bootsie, sitting here with me. People are gonna think you’re my next piece.”
“Then they know something I don’t,” Boots said, spooning up some soup. “If they were smart, they’d know you don’t put out for just anybody.”
Colt rolled his eyes, then stared at me hard.
“So, how’s it feel to break up the romance of the century?” he asked.
“I didn’t,” I insisted. I’d lost my appetite. Boots gave me a cool look.
“You better eat, some people are going hungry in the world right now. You’d know that more than me,” she said. She wasn’t wrong.
I sighed and dug into my food; the grilled cheese was gooey and perfect. It still tasted like cinders in my mouth. I just didn’t want any of it. It wasn’t fair. All the good things in my life turned to ashes around me.
“Don’t feel bad about Shawn and Shiv. That was a ticking time bomb,” Colt said conversationally.
“What?” Boots coughed.
“Oh, you didn’t know?” Colt asked her, a smirk playing on his lips. He looked so smug, but it wasn’t aimed at me for once. I was relieved. Someone else could take the brunt for a while, and give me a breather.
“Of course, I don’t know. Tell me, Lawson! Shit, what’s the deal?” Boots leaned forward. Colt folded his arms on the table in front of him.
“Shawn doesn’t like the ladies… as much as he likes the dudes,” he said. Boots stared, going still.
“Fuck off!” she said, pulling back. “Okay, you had me.” She laughed, then trailed off when Colt didn’t smile.
“I’m serious.” Colt reached over and stole half my grilled cheese. I was too stunned to protest.
But Shawn had kissed me. Yeah, Colt was full of shit.
“Nope. Don’t believe you. I saw how much he pawed over Shiv. Like, sure, he’s not a perv like some of the guys, like you-”
Colt laughed at her words and held up his hands with a wild grin.
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with liking to get my dick wet,” he said. My whole face was hot.
“Oh my god, I’m trying to eat,” I said to what was left of my grilled cheese.
“I can help you with that,” Colt said, helping himself to the rest of my sandwich.
“Hey,” I protested weakly.
“What’re you gonna do, go whine to your boyfriend about it?” he asked me. I sighed. “You weren’t hungry anyway.” He turned back to Boots. “Ignore me at your own peril, but I know the hot gossip, and you obviously don’t.”
“I can’t see it,” Boots said, with a shake of her head. I couldn’t either. Not the way Shawn had kissed me. My lips were still tingling-
I took a big gulp of my water. There was nothing in that kiss for me, and I hadn’t wanted it. I wasn’t thinking about it. Buck was the only one who had ever made me feel so special in my entire life…
There was a hot twist in my lower belly as my mind dipped back to Shawn. To the way he grabbed me, keeping me from falling. Adrenaline, that’s all it was. That’s all that it could have been.
“Some people like being blind, even to the things they want most,” Colt said, gazing out over the cafeteria. “Whatever, ladies, I gotta split. Thanks for the food, Quinn.” He reached over, ruffling my hair as he got up. “Come to my table any time. I’ll happily take all your food off your plate.” His gaze slid over me, instantly shifting to molten wax. �
��Maybe your uniform off your-”
“Fuck off, Lawson,” Boots said as I choked.
“Yeah, no. Thanks, but no thanks.” I curled an arm around my stomach.
Life was already confusing enough as it was. I didn’t need a third guy hitting on me. That just seemed to be Colt’s thing, though. He left us, walking toward the doors; as I watched him, he turned back, shooting a finger gun my way and winking.
Yeah. He was just a dirty flirt. That was all.
Six
School was so lonely, and I felt like I was folding up into myself. I barely saw Buck, because he was doing his best to stay out of my way when the teachers could see us. Boots wasn’t my friend again, but she was tolerating my presence, and telling me to stick to Colt’s table at lunch. Nobody wanted to fuck with me bad enough to risk pissing him off, for whatever reason.
Like that wasn’t concerning.
And Shawn… well, he was making it his life’s work to be in my shadow whenever I turned around.
“Hey,” he said, when I stood up from using the water fountain.
“Jesus, you scared the shit out of me.” I coughed, half-choking on my mouthful of water.
“Sorry.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, backpack hanging listlessly from one strap on his shoulder. “You want me to walk you to your next class?”
I glanced around. There were a few students near us, but they were keeping their eyes averted. The ones further away, halfway down the hall, were staring though.
“I don’t think that’s a great idea,” I said. “You’ve already made me a fucking outcast with that little stunt you pulled.”
“I never meant to hurt you,” he replied.
“What about Shiv?”
He closed his eyes and let out a soft moan.
“We really, really need to talk about it. Not here. Can I come over to your place tonight?” His blue eyes searched mine in earnest. I felt like it was a terrible idea; but, maybe I could convince him he was being an idiot. Shiv was an amazing human. The fact she currently hated my face wasn’t her fault. Really, I could barely blame her for it. I’d hate me too if Buck had gone to her and… and done what Shawn did.
“Fine,” I said, “but don’t make it weird.”
I grabbed my bag off the ground and walked away, feeling the back of my neck itching as people watched me go.
Much to my regret, my uncle was out for a coach meeting later when Shawn showed up.
He had a tray of brownies in one hand.
“I made ‘em myself,” he said when I let him inside. He glanced around the house. “Feels empty without Buck, huh?”
I gestured to the couch.
“Sit, talk.” I didn’t have the energy to offer him a more cordial greeting. I was ready to go to sleep. Napping for a century sounded pretty great about now. Very few things were tying me to the present; the urge to run away, to run anywhere, was burning through my veins like a forest fire. Was this worse than what had happened to me before I came to Hidden River? I wasn’t sure. Maybe losing my mom to the justice system was worse. Maybe growing up in complete poverty was worse. But, right now, I was in the middle of a shit sandwich, and I felt like nothing would ever fix it.
I stared hard at Shawn. Maybe he was the key to things getting better. Maybe. I wondered if what Colt said was true. Was Shawn gay? Or, like, bi? He’d loved Shiv. I was so sure of it. The way he’d looked at her, like she’d hung every star in the sky? Was that all pretend? If that wasn’t real, was any love in the world real, at all?
Shawn set the tray of brownies on the coffee table, and sat slowly on my uncle’s recliner. He leaned forward, elbows on his thighs, and looked at his hands.
With a sigh, he glanced up at me, his lips parting. Before he could speak, I did.
“You know what, I changed my mind. I don’t want to hear you out. I want you to listen.” I narrowed my eyes. He pulled back. “You fucked up.”
His cheeks colored a candy-apple red.
“I-”
“Yeah, you fucked up. Kissing me was not okay. You know I’m with Buck. And what the hell have you been telling everyone?! The whole school hates me. My best friend hates me.” I crossed my arms over my chest and took a breath, the rage coiling in my stomach.
“I know,” he said, his voice husky. “I know I did wrong by you.”
“And Shiv.” I glared extra hard at him for that. “She may be acting like a huge bitch to me right now, but she’s still my friend. When the shock wears off, and she realizes that the only person she should be pissed at is you, I will forgive her. Then we’re gonna go back to what we were before. Without you.”
He looked like I’d slapped him.
“Now, that’s not exactly fair, Mia.”
“Oh, really?” I took a deep breath. “Not fair? I’ve been assaulted because of you.” The anger moved up to my throat—it started spreading through my veins, making my fingers shake with its power. He’d done wrong. He needed to make it right, or I was going to unleash my rage on him heavier than I’d thought I was capable of. “You’re fucking lucky I didn’t tell my uncle what you did, especially with everything that’s been going on since.”
He went from red to green, an ill expression on his face.
“That’s-”
“Exactly what you deserve.” I waved my hand through the air, palm up. “Now it’s your turn. I suggest starting with ‘I’m really fucking sorry’ and maybe add a ‘I’m a gross creep that doesn’t deserve to breathe’ in there too. Go.” I sat down, glaring at him hard.
“Mia,” he cleared his throat, glancing down at the floor. He took a moment, and I let him. I was still mad, the feeling of violation inside me kept building. I knew one wrong word from him would have me moving from the urge to slapping him right into the action.
He licked his lips, biting the lower one hard. He spread his hands, like he was at a loss.
“What gets me,” he said with a helpless chuckle, “is that even now, when you’re so angry at me that you look like you want to hit me… I still… I’m… shit.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I thought I knew what to say, that I could fix everything-”
“A flight of stairs, Shawn. I got tripped, and nearly fell down a flight of stairs because of you. That’s not normal, okay? I know you guys think I’m from the hood or whatever, and I should be used to violence. But the level of psychopathy involved when people think it’s okay to push someone else down a flight of stairs? Over a stupid boy? If you don’t get why I’m angry-”
“I do get it, I do,” he hurried to speak, reaching for my hand. I pulled away, not letting him touch me. Because he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve to put a finger on me. My heart thumped uncomfortably in my chest. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. I shouldn’t have told everyone that you kissed me.”
“You did what?!” I got to my feet, stumbling over them, and jerked away, my body moving before I could stop it.
“Mia, I’m sorry, it was wrong. I’m gonna tell everyone I lied, okay?” He was up too, following me.
“Get away from me,” I spat each word, staring up at him. “Who do you think you are? This is my life, okay? My reputation. My friendships. You’re not playing around with your own… whatever, you know? This is somebody else. I never asked for this.” Bitter tears dripped down my face; I hated them, because I didn’t want him to know that I was hurt as much as I was angry. “I liked you, as a friend-”
He inhaled sharply and looked up at the ceiling.
“I’ve fucked this up beyond all recognition,” he said. He glanced back down at me. My pulse was racing.
“I think you need to go,” I said softly. “I think… I think you need to go tell everyone you’re a fucking liar, and a scumbag, and that you dumped your girlfriend to go after your best friend’s girl. And if you don’t do what’s right, I’m going to talk to my uncle-”
Shawn cocked his head, eyes glittering.
“Yeah, I wondered about that,” he said. He pursed his lips for a
moment, and looked away. “I wondered why you never did that in the first place. Buck got chucked outta here because of that morning. My fault, right? You’ve been taking a world of hurt because of me: Shiv hates you-”
“List all the reasons why I should go right to him right the fuck now, Shawn,” I snarled. He held up a hand.
“And yet, you aren’t. You’re not telling him. You didn’t want to make a fuss over Noah either. You keep putting your head down, not asking for help, not even asking Buck for help with this shit.” He took a step toward me, but it didn’t feel menacing. There was… pity in his expression. It made my eyes water. “Who hurt you so bad that you think you don’t deserve to be stood up for?”
“Get out.”
“Mia,” Shawn murmured, lifting a hand to touch my face. I yanked back.
“Get the fuck out.” I pointed at the door, breath harsh in the back of my mouth. “You… just, get out.”
Shawn swallowed. I saw his throat bob.
“All I wanted was to make you feel safe.”
“You did the opposite of that, asshole. Just, go, please.” I was going to cry again. I was crying. The tears slipped down my cheeks, tracing the curve of my jaw, running down my neck.
“Mia, I can fix it, I promise. I’ll fix everything.” His arms closed around me, and I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t want to. I needed someone strong, because I was weak. I crumbled into him, my body shaking.
“It’s too much,” the words sobbed out of my chest. His fingers stroked through my hair, and he cradled the back of my head, holding my tight.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I can say it a million times, but please believe me, I’m going to make this right.”
“I’m not yours,” I said. “You can’t just come into my life and upend everything good I finally had going.”
“Not gonna lie, I wish you were. Not that Buck’s the worst. He’s good for you, and I’m an idiot for thinking I could have what he has,” his voice was so low and quiet, I almost didn’t hear him. I pulled away to look up at him, wiping away my tears with the back of my hand.