by KT Strange
We stood in the quiet for a moment and then she gave me a watery smile.
“Can you ever forgive me?”
“I think I did before you said anything,” I admitted. She laughed and wiped her eyes again.
“I don’t deserve you. Nobody does. Not Shawn, or even Buck.”
I blushed and smiled weakly. I wasn’t sure if I should tell her right then that I thought they did deserve me, even if Shawn had some groveling to do.
“Are you doing okay?” I asked, slipping my fingers in between hers, squeezing her hand. I wanted to hug her, but that felt maybe too close. Not just yet. We had more healing to do first.
“I miss him,” she said wistfully. “But I think I miss the idea of him, more than who he actually is. I’m not saying he’s not good, he just… I miss how I wish he’d been with me when it was just the two of us, and he wasn’t putting on a show for the whole school.”
I tried not to flinch. Were these red flags I should be paying attention to? The bell rang for our next class, making further questions down that rabbit-hole a bad idea.
I needed to talk to her about it, but maybe not when we were in the girl’s bathroom on the top floor of the school in the literary wing.
“Hey, did you want to hang out soon? Maybe tomorrow after school?” I asked tentatively. I wanted to figure out where we stood, and let her talk some more.
Shiv nodded, then blinked.
“Oh, shit, I forgot! I have a planning meeting for the leadership skills camp we’re going to, is the next day okay for you instead? Or I could come over after the meeting?”
“Leadership skills?” I asked, pushing open the door to the bathroom. Shiv followed me out.
“Yeah, we’re all going. You too. Didn’t your uncle tell you? Don’t answer that, obviously from your face, he didn’t. It’s a camping trip each grade goes on every year to help develop closer relationships with our classmates, and also learn leadership skills with outdoor activities. I’m on the planning committee.” She hugged her backpack close to her chest and smiled at me. “I’ll get a packing list for you for it, since you don’t have one. Just to make sure that you have all the things you need.”
“It’s a camping trip?” I asked. “As in… bears… and stuff?”
Shiv laughed at my expression.
“You look scared!”
“I’ve never been camping before,” I admitted. Vacations like that weren’t expensive, but my mom had never had any kind of disposable income.
A few students passed us by, and I froze when one of them caught my eye. Paige smiled at me. The expression on her face that made me feel sick to my stomach.
“Shiv, do you want me to get rid of the trash?” she asked, stopping a few feet from us. “You should know better than to try to talk to her, Quinn, after what you di-”
Shiv moved fast, her hand a blur. It cracked across Paige’s face, the slapping sound stopping everyone near us dead in their tracks.
“Shiv,” I breathed.
“Shut up,” Shiv snapped at Paige. “You think you can just be an open bitch about everything, now that you’ve manipulated the situation to your favor?” She was breathing hard, staring at Paige, who held her hand to her red cheek.
“C’mon, Mia,” Shiv said, turning her head and starting to walk away. I stared in shock before running after her.
“Shiv, you’re going to get in major shit,” I hissed.
“She’s not going to rat me out,” Shiv muttered under her breath. “I know way too much.” I glanced behind me as we walked quickly down the hall.. Paige was standing there, in the middle of the onlookers, staring after us. Her eyes flashed with anger, the red stain on her cheek spreading.
“Way too much?” I turned back to Shiv as we went around a corner, coming into the science wing of the school. The tall ceilings soared above us, clerestory windows letting in sunlight that washed the walls bright.
“We’re going to be late for class. I have chem. But seriously, let’s… not today, or tomorrow, but after. Let’s hang out and just talk, without boys,” Shiv said.
I wanted to tell her about how things were unfolding for me, that I was seriously considering entering into some sort of polyamorous type relationship with her ex-boyfriend. But standing in the science hallway was probably not the place to do it.
I wanted to know that she’d be okay with it, maybe even her blessing, but that seemed a bit much to ask.
“If you get asked,” she said, reaching for the chem lab door, “I totally slapped Paige. And I don’t feel guilty about it.”
“She might kick you off the cheer team,” I said as she opened the door.
“Like I said,” she replied, her eyes going dark, “I know way too much. Get to class. I’ll see you later okay? And… Mia? It’s not… we’re not all better. And I know I can’t go back and change what I said and did, but… are we a little better, at least?” She gave me a wistful look.
“It’s okay,” I said, reassuring her quickly. Her smile brightened.
“I’ll see you later,” she said, and then disappeared inside her class.
I let out a breath as the door closed.
She was begging for my forgiveness, but were the roles going to be reversed when I finally told her the truth?
Ten
“Leadership camp? Shit, that totally slipped my mind. We’ll need to get you all your camping gear next weekend, Mia. Don’t worry, I know the students have a lot of fun on it every year. I know you’ll have a good time.”
My uncle’s words from the night before featured as the soundtrack to a bunch of nightmares I had over trees coming to life and trying to eat me. When I wasn’t dreaming about Mia-eating trees, my sleep was peppered with nightmares of Shiv telling me that she had been lying when she said she was sorry, and she hoped I’d fall off a cliff and die during the camping trip.
The next morning I woke up feeling foggy and irritable from all the bad dreams.
The guy waiting for me outside chased some of my cobwebs away.
“Hey.” Shawn stood there, leaning up against a black truck, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck. “We did a coin toss. I’m picking you up today.” He gave me a shy smile, and held out his hands for mine.
My heart did a little triple-trip in my chest, and I let him slide his fingers around mine, caressing my palms.
“So is this how it’s gonna be? Splitting time between you?” I asked. “I’m pretty busy. I don’t know how I’m going to make time for both of you.” I was teasing, carefully, because this was so new and as fragile as a melting snowflake.
“Let’s take it day by day. We’re writing our own play book with this,” he replied, then looked down at me, taking me in. “Can I carry your bag for you when we get to school?”
My cheeks warmed with something more than the rising sun. The ride to school was quiet, and I soaked up the feelings that were curling around me. Buck met us at school and I walked into the building, the historic halls arching over us. Buck’s arm was around my shoulders and Shawn’s fingers were brushing mine as he walked close by, but not too close.
It felt so intimate. I never knew just standing next to someone could feel like I was naked and exposed to them. They left me at my first class of the day, and I floated into it like nothing would ever drag me down again.
In the back of my mind was the nagging reality that everything was eventually going to get torpedoed, because that was just life.
For the moment, I was going to do my best to enjoy whatever it was that was happening to me. I felt less pressure on me, like the eyeballs that had been burning holes into my back were letting off a little throughout my morning classes, and by lunchtime things seemed almost… normal.
Except for Colt.
He sat at my new usual lunch table, broad smirk on his face, hands laced together behind his neck.
“Heya, slutbag,” he teased as I sat down with my tray. “What’d you bring me for lunch? Where are your knights in shining, super-gay arm
or? Oh, hey, peasant food. It’s so nice when they make us normies feel at home with the menu.” He reached for a french fry that lay beside the hot dog on my tray. It was BBQ day at the cafeteria, and I will never be ashamed to admit that I really loved hot dogs; someone could try to pry them from my cold, rotting hands. I just didn’t think too hard about what went into them.
“Stay away from my fries,” I said, protecting them with a hand.
“Or what? Your two beefsteaks will come beat me up?” Colt cast a look over my shoulder. “Here comes one. You know, you should’ve gone with me for your other. Then you’d have the rainbow of hair colors in your little harem.”
“Harem?” My face was on fire. I glared at him and took a bite that was a little too vicious out of my hotdog.
“Hey, Lawson.” Buck sat next to me with a thump, sighing and relaxing forward. His tray stacked with three hotdogs and a double portion of fries.
“Don’t forget carbs make you fat, Barron. Do you think your last name is weird? Do you think you’re some sort of long-lost royalty or something?” Colt stole one of Buck’s baskets of fries. I watched with wide eyes as Buck bristled for a moment, then merely rolled his eyes.
“I burn it off on the field.”
“I burn it off on the field,” Colt said, something in his tone almost deadly, mocking. “Gains for days. Getting swole. Wait, if you get swole, but it’s in the past, is it swoled?”
“Is he always this chatty?” Buck asked, squirting ketchup all over his hotdog, not even rising to Colt’s bait a little bit. “I’m sorry I left you in his company for so long.”
“She didn’t mind. Mia and I are special friends, right, Mia?” Colt grinned at me and winked, nice and slow. I groaned, edging closer to Buck on the bench until my thigh touched his.
To his credit, Buck didn’t pay any attention to Colt’s implications. Instead, Buck smiled down at me, the look warming my insides and sending my stomach into flutters.
“Ew, gross, gag, the romance, I can’t handle-” Colt put a hand over his mouth and nose. Buck laughed.
“Fuck, you’re ridiculous,” he said. Buck pulled me in close, his arm wrapping around my waist.
“If you get any ketchup on my uniform… ” I threatened mildly. Boots and Garrett set their trays down with matching clatters.
“Hey, fam,” Boots said, throwing me a wink.
“Ugh, are all your dumbass friends going to end up here?” Colt asked, eyeing the two of them. “I liked being by myself. I liked being left with my thoughts.”
“Don’t you mean thought? Like, just the one thought you have on a daily basis that involves getting your dipstick wet?” Boots asked sweetly. She blew him a kiss when he growled at her.
“Did you have to bring Thing 2 with you?” He motioned to Garrett.
“Dunno what I did. I’m just here for the burgers and hot dogs,” Garrett said, both hands in the air before shooting me a warm smile.
“Hey, Mia,” he said, his voice gentle. I returned his smile with one of my own and Buck hugged me tight.
“Where’s Thing 1?” Colt asked the air, not looking at any of us.
“Busy,” Buck said, eating down a hot dog with speed.
“Slow down there, or you’ll give Mia ideas,” Colt said. Garrett’s head jerked up and Buck glared.
“Watch your fucking mouth, Lawson,” Garrett said, before jerking his head toward Buck. “He’s not the only one you’ve got to look out for, now.”
Boots blinked at me and I shrugged, playing it off.
“You guys are cranky,” Boots said. “This table is hardcore testosterony. Can’t you tone it down, for our sakes? Colt always makes crude jokes, and you’ve never had an issue with it before.”
“Yeah, Garrett,” Colt said meaningfully. Garrett cleared his throat.
“It’s just not fucking polite,” he muttered, picking up his burger. Buck relaxed against me as I ran my hand up his back to play with his hair, running my fingers through it. It was getting really long.
“You need a trim,” I said, smiling up at him when he snorted. “What, you do.”
“Hey, guys, can I…” Shiv appeared at the end of our table, holding her breath and looking worried, like we’d tell her to leave. Boots blinked hard and slow, and then moved over.
“Sure.” She glanced over her shoulder at where Paige was holding court with the rest of the cheer team and some of the football team. None of them were looking at us.
“The guys’ll come around,” Garrett said, answering the question that no one at the table was asking.
“Football boys. They’re fucking ridiculous,” Colt said, pointing at Shiv. “Get yourself a nerd. They’re dedicated as fuck. And smart.”
Shiv turned pink, and then laughed.
“Are you putting your hat into the ring?”
“Nah, I’m not a nerd. I’m the local outcast. I don’t date anybody. My job is to just be a pain in the ass and cheer whenever the opposing team scores,” Colt said, stealing one of Garrett’s hotdogs. Neither of the guys seemed to mind or notice as Colt pilfered food from them. Maybe that was Colt’s thing. I thought he was just doing it to me and Boots to be an ass, but…
“We’re aware that you like to cheer for the visiting team,” Buck drawled, interrupting my thoughts. When I looked at him, he was grinning at Colt. He didn’t sound annoyed, even though the lack of school-spirit should have pissed him off.
“Everyone’s aware,” Boots added. Garrett snorted into his burger.
“I think a little dissent in the ranks is healthy,” he said with a low laugh. “Even if you are a scholarship student.”
“I got in on my big brain.”
“Too bad you’re a big dick,” Boots muttered. Colt smirked at her.
“You mean, I have a big dick,” he replied. I choked.
“Promises, promises,” Boots shot back with her own half-cocked grin.
“Cut the flirting, she’s too young for you,” Garrett said. Boots made a whining sound.
“You’re not my real dad,” she said.
“He could be though,” Colt pointed out. “For a ginger, he really puts out that ‘call me daddy’ vibe.” I stared at Garrett, as he went a shade nearly matched his hair.
“Shut the fuck up,” he growled, and Buck snickered.
“Thing 2’s blushing,” Colt crowed. Garrett’s hand fisted on his leg, his lips pursed.
“Alright, alright, cut it out,” I said, slapping Colt on the arm. He looked at me, startled, his eyebrows lifting. Our table went quiet for a moment. An odd feeling grew in my chest.
I let out a breath as Colt grinned.
“Oooh, again,” he teased me, making me roll my eyes.
“You’re gross.”
“And your food is getting cold. Need help?” Colt eyed up my tray.
“Where do you put it all?” Boots asked, intensely curious. Buck curled his arm tighter around my waist. The heavy press of his hand on the outside of my thigh distracted me from their meaningless conversation. He slid his palm down over my skirt-covered leg from my hip to my knee. I glanced up at him, and caught smile chasing across his lips.
“Hey, I’m gonna kiss you right now,” he murmured. “Maybe break a few rules in the process. You okay with that?”
“I won’t tell anyone,” I replied, and tried not to melt when his mouth pressed over mine. The intensity of his kiss nearly whited out the sound of Colt making gagging noises and Boots laughing at him.
Eleven
You doing anything?
The text message popped up on my phone. Shawn. My stomach knotted up a little, and I bit my lip before answering.
Homework.
Sounds boring, he replied. I rolled my eyes. Shawn wasn’t… the best student. He could’ve probably stood to do more homework.
Sounds like I’m getting an A and you’re getting a D-. I smiled as I sent the text, tiny little moths in my belly.
Yikes. I’m getting the D? Hard pass. Okay, so, short notice, but
I scored some tickets to a gig in the city tonight. Wanna come? He added three smiley faces after his question that made my belly swim. Why were guys and emojis such a deadly combination? It was stupid, really. I shouldn’t be swooning over pixels on a screen.
But I was.
Like a fuckin’ dork-face.
I don’t think I should. Homework.
Big oof, his reply came instantly. I rate lower than homework?
Not getting my ass blasted in class rates higher than going to the city for some band of hipsters I don’t care about. Nothing to do with you! It felt fun, playing with my words, knowing that I was totally flirting with danger, almost saying too much and-
You had me at “ass blasted.” So hot.
I fought to contain a giggle at his response, rolling my eyes. At least he wasn’t digging in deep and flirting too much. I think I might have imploded, my feelings crumpling up if he had.
Seriously, though, this band is killer. And they’re backstage passes. You can flex all about it in class tomorrow. C’mon. I don’t want to go by myself, and there’s no one I wanna spend the time on than you. You’re it, Mia. You know that, right?
I gulped a lungful of air and stared at my phone, wrestling with my feelings. Did I ditch on my homework and work harder in the morning to make up for it while Buck was driving me to school? Or did I play good girl and stay home?
Please. Don’t make me beg. It’s not manly. His final text put the nail in the coffin for me. I shoved my books in my bag and stumbled to my feet. I was really doing this. We were doing this. But… things didn’t have to be complicated. It could just be a date. My stomach erupted into butterflies as I sent my final text.
When do we leave?
“You look beautiful,” my uncle said as I descended the stairs. “Are you really sure that’s right for your date, though?”