by Louise Bay
I shoved my hands in my pockets, ensuring I kept them to myself. “You don’t want me to cook?”
“I might eat before, actually. Cook for yourself if you like. I’ll head over around nine.”
Jesus. Nine? Did she want me naked and ready to perform as soon as she rang the buzzer? We’d agreed on casual, but we were friends as well as lovers, weren’t we? I wanted to hang out with her. Hear about how the presentation went, laugh over Edward’s obvious crush on her. “I have a drink with a contact at five thirty and then I’ll head home. I should be there around seven, so come over earlier if you like.”
“I don’t think so,” she said, fiddling with the clasp on her bag.
Jesus, was she being deliberately annoying? “Are you doing something earlier? I’d like to cook for you,” I admitted.
She blew out a breath. “I just think it’s easier if we don’t act like we’re dating when we’re not dating.”
“But we’d have dinner before I went to New York. We’re friends, Truly.”
She blushed. “I know. But . . .” She fixated on the collar of my shirt, clearly not wanting to meet my eyes. “You know, we’re having sex now. And things can get a whole lot blurry.”
I knew that feeling. But I was intrigued by the blur, didn’t quite know what to do about it. Had Truly decided that blurry wasn’t what she wanted? Was I not what Truly wanted? I could just ask her, but that wasn’t fair because I had no clear answer if she asked me the same question in return.
I stepped toward her and this time she didn’t move away as I pressed my body against hers and brought my lips to her forehead. “Knock them dead this afternoon.”
For a second she melted against me and then, as if she’d fallen asleep on the Tube and was worried she’d missed her stop, she jolted and headed to the door. “See you around nine,” she said without looking back. I watched her walk away, a niggling, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I wanted to cook for her.
I wanted her to come over at seven.
And I wanted her to stay the night.
THIRTY-TWO
Truly
I put on my earrings and slid my new gold cuff onto my wrist. I’d found the bracelet online, picked it out myself without any help from Noah. It was the first piece of jewelry I’d ever bought. I usually did with hand-me-down jewelry from my mother or my sister. I twisted my wrist, admiring it against the navy of my dress—it went perfectly. I was getting better at not feeling like a fraud when I put on an evening dress, which was ironic since I was about to attend the winter ball, the last event that required a ball gown before Abigail came back. The jitters in my stomach that I felt before a presentation or speech were shadows of what they had been, and I was almost excited.
I turned sideways to check myself in the mirror. I shivered as I remembered Noah’s arms around me, his gaze staring back at me in the dressing room when I’d tried this dress on. His hands always felt as if they were made for me. I pushed the thought aside. Building walls between Noah and me hadn’t been easy, but I knew I had to keep them up if I was going to protect my heart.
It would have been so easy to give in to his dinner-date invitations, either out or at his place, but after brunch I knew I needed to keep Noah in a box marked dangerous and only bring him out when I was in a casual mindset. It was easier to spend time at his place rather than mine. That way I could turn up late and leave early. Whenever we agreed to meet at my place, Noah would turn up with takeout hours early, and I’d have to literally kick him out of bed in the middle of the night.
It was easy for a man like Noah to do casual without getting feelings involved. He’d had plenty of practice. I’d decided that we could be friends or we could be lovers but being both was too close to perfect to be healthy for me. So the boundaries were in place despite Noah continually testing them.
My door buzzed. Shit, who could that be? I needed to leave. “Noah?” I asked, peering at the screen. We’d agreed to meet at the venue. “What are you doing here?”
“I was running early. Thought I’d pick you up.”
“You didn’t need to. It’s not like we’re going on a date. But come on up.” Noah wasn’t to know that every time he stepped over a boundary, he made my life a little more difficult.
I buzzed him in and started dropping lipstick and money into my evening bag, so I’d be ready when Noah arrived. If he was like this with girlfriends, I didn’t understand why his relationships only lasted a few months. He was always so thoughtful and considerate, open and giving.
A bang at the door caught my attention. How did he always get up here so fast?
I opened the door and stepped back as he held out a bunch of flowers. Red roses? That was so nice—romantic, even. I began to grin and stopped myself. He made it so difficult to keep him in my casual box. Everything got more and more blurry around him, however hard I fought to keep things clear.
“You look completely beautiful,” he said.
“Why?” I asked, still distracted by the wall-crushing flowers.
“Well, it’s difficult for you not to be beautiful, I suppose. It’s just who you are.”
“Thank you,” I replied. “I meant the flowers. How come?”
He paused as if he were about to say something, and I turned and headed back to my bedroom.
Noah followed. “I thought we should mark tonight. It’s the final hurdle. You did this. You thought you would drown and tonight you collect your gold medal for the one hundred meters freestyle.”
I pressed my lips together to stop my grin from taking over my face. “Yeah. It feels good.” Noah was right. I’d never thought I’d get to this point. It had been such a huge mountain to climb, and with his help, I’d done it. I’d conquered a thousand new things each entirely out of my comfort zone.
“It should. You’ve done fantastically.”
Noah had been so encouraging. When I’d had no confidence in myself, he’d had enough in me to make me believe I could take the next step. Without him, I wouldn’t be standing here, looking forward to this evening. I owed him so much. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“That’s not true. I’m pretty sure you could do anything you set your mind to.”
More compliments. This man.
I pulled out the blue-and-black evening sandals that I’d bought for this dress. “We only need to make a third of what we did last year for us to hit our fundraising target.”
Noah sank to his knees and guided my foot into the shoe. Boundaries. He was always crossing them.
“I can do that,” I said, unwilling to accept his help.
He smoothed his hand down my shin and circled my ankle with his fingers. “I know, but I’m here and it’s easier this way.”
Not in the long run, I wanted to say. Instead I watched as he guided my hand to his shoulder to ensure I was steady, then expertly fastened each strap.
If only being with Noah wasn’t so easy. Wasn’t so enjoyable. If only I didn’t feel exactly like the best version of myself when I was with him.
“So after tonight, your job will be done,” I said. “All your good deeds for a lifetime wrapped up into five months.”
“You’re saying you won’t need me?” he asked as he stood so close his suit skimmed against my body.
“You’re not to be needed.” I looked away before he overwhelmed my focus. We needed to get going.
He slid his hand around my back. “Hey, what does that mean?”
“Have you seen my keys?” I asked, glancing around. There was no point in having this conversation. I didn’t want to insult him and ruin the evening.
“Truly,” he growled. “What did you mean?”
I stepped out of his arms. “There they are.” I spotted my keys on my dressing table and dropped them into my bag. “Are you ready?”
He frowned but nodded. “Yeah, the car’s downstairs.”
I rolled my eyes, teasing him, despite being delighted I didn’t have to stand outside
and hail a cab in the cold.
“Seriously, does the money thing bother you?” he asked as we rode downstairs in the lift.
“Does it bother me that you have money?” I asked as I stepped into the lobby. “No,” I said as he shook his head. “Should it?”
“But you make comments. Tease me.”
I shrugged. “All in fun. You’re the same guy either way as far as I can see.”
“Most women would be impressed and enjoy it.”
“Well, first off, I’m not most women.”
A sexy smile curled his lips. “That’s the truth.”
“And second of all, it doesn’t affect me. We’re not dating. You’re not husband material.” His stare bore into my cheek, and I turned to him. Did he care what I thought? “It’s handy. You know. To have a driver. But really, it’s nothing to do with me.”
He held the car door open and helped me inside before braving the traffic to get in the other side. “If we were dating. If you did see me as husband material—would the money be a good thing or a bad thing?”
Was he wondering if women were going to use him for his money? “Are you asking if the money makes you more attractive?” Could anything make him more attractive?
“Yeah. I guess.”
“For me, it’s more that you’re passionate. I like that you set your sights on something and then go out and achieve it. Although that side of you is . . .” It was all these parts of Noah that made him so special, that I found so attractive—exactly the parts of Noah that made it necessary for me to set boundaries. “But no, the money isn’t the thing that’s attractive about you.”
I glanced across at him to find him grinning at me. “What?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Inside and out, I find everything about you attractive.”
Boundaries, I told myself as my stomach swooped. High, high walls. Electric fences. Barbed wire.
PERHAPS IT WAS the light that sparkled from the huge chandeliers above us, maybe it was Noah in black-tie attire, sitting beside me, or maybe my dress was just too tight. Whatever it was, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so happy. I’d nailed the speech, announced the spinal injuries unit as the main recipient of this year’s donations, and to top it all off, the auction was only halfway through and had already raised what it had last year. I couldn’t believe I was here at the end of the year, past target, and all of it achieved without Abigail.
I turned to Noah and grinned. “Thank you. I meant it earlier when I said I couldn’t have done it without you.”
He brushed his thumb over my cheek as if I belonged to him. “As I said, you’re wrong, but I’m happy to share the glory.”
“Next lot up for auction is a weekend in Paris,” announced the portly auctioneer who did this event each year. “You’ll be staying at the re-opened Hotel de Crillon in Paris. Who’ll start the bidding at a thousand pounds?”
“Ten thousand,” Noah bellowed beside me.
The ballroom filled with gasps and a thousand eyes turned in our direction. “You don’t need to do this,” I whispered, trying to keep the smile on my face. He’d done so much for the foundation already. I didn’t want him to think he had to donate.
“But I want to,” he said. “You deserve to get away.”
What? “No,” I said, grabbing his wrist. “You can’t bid on this for me.”
“For both of us,” he said.
Christ, I wanted to climb into his lap, wrap my arms around his neck, and love this man. That feeling was always just a couple of seconds away. Being with him hadn’t cured me of him. I hadn’t grown bored or disinterested or disenchanted. I hadn’t rewritten our relationship into something that meant less to me. My walls were close to crumbling. Things needed to change, or I was going to end up with a broken heart.
Now the fundraising year was over, I had a wardrobe of acceptable office-wear and I’d gotten used to being the face of the foundation, I’d have less reason to see Noah. That would be a start.
The only person who was going to get hurt in this situation was me. But what could I do? Walk away when I was so happy? It was a lose-lose situation because either way I ended up without him. My head told me it would be easier to rip the plaster off now. Escape while there was still hope I wasn’t irrevocably in love with him.
No one countered Noah’s outrageous bid of ten thousand pounds for two nights in Paris. And while he was giving his details to a foundation staff member, I watched as someone made a beeline for our table from across the room.
“Noah?” A man came up from behind us just as Noah had finished making his payment. Noah pushed back his chair and stood.
“Morgan?”
“I thought that was you! We finally meet.”
“Truly, you know Morgan Davis from Pickwick Healthcare,” Noah said.
I stood and shook the stranger’s hand. Although I’d never met him, his reputation preceded him. “You must be talking to Noah about epidural stimulation. Your company has done amazing work. Delighted to meet you.”
“You’re Truly Harbury? How wonderful to meet you. I’ve known your sister for years, of course. It’s such a shame she couldn’t be here tonight.”
“I’m taking lots of pictures for her. And of course, I feel like I know you because of all the wonderful support you and your company have given the foundation over the years. We really appreciate it.”
“Well, we believe in the work you do. It’s very complementary to our business.”
I grinned. “Your product is going to change lives,” I said.
“We really hope so. Even more if Noah accepts my offer.”
I kept my smile in place as I glanced at Noah, inviting him to explain.
“Morgan wants someone to be a European ambassador for the project,” Noah said, grinning.
“And the Middle East,” Morgan corrected. “Noah would be perfect, wouldn’t he? With his background, he can speak with real experience. And with his thirst for adventure, the travel is bound to appeal to him.” Morgan clasped Noah’s shoulder. “You’ll help me convince him, won’t you, Truly?”
“I said I needed time to think about it. You only mentioned it yesterday,” Noah replied, glancing at me.
“I know,” Morgan said. “I’m just impatient. Our product could do so much and partnering with you is the perfect combination.”
The auctioneer interrupted us and introduced the next lot, so we said our goodbyes and took our seats again.
“This is what I wanted to talk to you about when I called you yesterday,” Noah said as the auction rattled on around us. “But you didn’t pick up. Again. Remember?”
I’d been making myself ignore some of Noah’s calls, trying to keep some space between us. “Oh yes, sorry. I was in a meeting.”
“I wanted to get your view on Morgan’s offer. It would mean a lot of travelling. Perhaps we can go back to yours and have a drink. I really want to get your perspective.”
“Sure, later maybe.” Was this why they said to be careful what you wish for? I’d wanted a little distance from Noah, and it looked like that’s exactly what this Morgan guy was offering. If Noah was travelling a lot, he wouldn’t be able to drop by to watch Netflix or join Abigail, Rob, and me for lunch. I’d be forced to see him less. No doubt, sex with me would be less convenient, and he’d start seeing someone new. Perhaps someone he’d meet during his new role. She’d be far more suited to him—sophisticated, gorgeous, and able to accompany him to functions without him having to fear she’d say or wear the wrong thing.
This was how it was meant to be. Things between us were drawing to a natural conclusion.
I should be thrilled. Or relieved or thankful. This way I’d avoid getting in any deeper with Noah. But the way my eyes stung and my insides ached at the thought of Noah leaving—of things changing between us—made me think I was in too deep already.
“Excuse me. I need to go to the ladies’ room.” I stood and grabbed my clutch.
I kept my head down, avoi
ding eye contact with anyone, and headed toward the exit. I pushed at the heavy gold door of the ballroom and burst into the bright lights of the lobby and toward the loo.
I slumped on one of the buttoned, pink-velvet stools set in front of a mirror in the powder room and stared at my reflection. In a few months, I’d be one of the women Noah used to sleep with. He would have moved on to someone else, his past firmly in the past as it always was.
Where did that leave me?
In the same place that I’d been when he’d left for New York all those years ago. Except this time was worse because I’d seen it coming and still couldn’t stop it.
But at least I’d held part of myself back. I could have given in to all his requests for dinner and late-night phone calls. My boundaries and barbed wire fences could have been long abandoned. Noah and I stopping whatever it was we were doing now was a good thing. I’d see it clearly in a few weeks or months. I was so close to falling for him, but this new job was my chance to save myself from certain ruination.
After touching up my makeup and going to the loo, I made my way back out to the lobby.
“Truly?”
I glanced up and found Noah coming toward me.
“I thought maybe you were sick or something. You’ve been gone ages. You okay?”
“Yes, totally fine. Just got chatting with someone.”
“You want to leave?” he asked. “Let’s go back to yours. Relax. I really want to know what you think about me doing this ambassador thing.”
“It sounds amazing. You should definitely do it.” I tried to be decisive in my tone. This was my get-out-of-jail-free card—a positive thing. If things ended between us now, I got to walk away with my heart still intact and hopefully we’d still be friends.
He smiled but it wasn’t convincing. “You think? I don’t know.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “It’s a lot of travelling. Of course I’ll be back a lot. Weekends and stuff. And you’ll have to come out and visit. We can still . . .”