“Damn.” His eyes glazed over, and his body went taut.
I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth. I was opening his zipper now. “I thought you might see it my way.”
“You’re very persuasive. But let’s do this right.” He scooped me up, carrying me in his arms. A man on a passionate mission.
He stopped to get a condom out of the bedroom, tossing me onto the bed while he secured it in his pocket. He picked me up again, and I clung to his embrace.
He balanced me, shifting me in his arms, and headed down the hall. He went through the laundry room and pushed open the garage door. With everything we’d done in the past, we’d never messed around on his Harley.
“This might not be very comfortable,” he said. “For either of us.”
“I don’t care.”
“Neither do I.” He set me down and peeled off my panties, draping them from one of the handlebar grips.
I wore a loose dress, making it easy to straddle the machine. He climbed in front of me, and we kissed, wet and rough, slick and hard.
A moment later I said, “When I started having fantasies about being with you again, I was worried that you were going to make me reckless, like I used to be.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. You’re still going to marry Mr. Right and have a respectable life.”
I was having a tough time picturing that now, not unless he turned out to be that man.
I felt Spencer’s hand moving under my dress. I gasped and lifted my bottom off the seat.
“Just a bit of foreplay,” he whispered.
I glanced down and saw that his jeans were still undone. “Can I touch you, too?”
“Not yet.” He continued his sexual foray. “I want you to come first.”
I leaned back, giving myself over to him in every way I could. Except for loving him, I thought.
I was still too afraid to do that.
Eleven
Spencer
I sat on a padded stool in Kirby’s studio, my booted heels pressed against the footrail, and thought about Alice. We’d gotten down and dirty in my garage less than twenty-four hours ago, and now she was on my mind again. I couldn’t go a day without craving her. But it wasn’t just the sex. It was other things, too: the warmth, the friendship, the closeness we’d come to share. I was starting to have feelings for her that scared me.
Bonding-type stuff.
Maybe even love-type stuff.
Kirby sought my gaze, and I did my damnedest to relax. He’d invited me over to listen to some new tracks, but we hadn’t done that yet. We were talking about the party instead.
“Alice agreed to be there for sure?” he asked, seeking to confirm what I’d already told him in a text.
“Yes.” I made another attempt to relax. I was just a guy in recovery, trying to keep his head on straight. What did I know about love?
Nothing, I thought. But it was okay; I didn’t need to freak out. Sooner or later, I would stop seeing Alice, and then these scary feelings would go away.
Kirby blew out his breath. “I really hope this gathering will make her feel more comfortable around me.”
I understood his reasoning. He wanted to create a sense of home and hearth, drawing her into the fold. “I know how important this is to you, but maybe you better not get your hopes up too high.”
“At least it gives me a chance to see her. The only other times I’m able to do that is at the twins’ birthday parties, and she ignores me at those functions.”
“She might ignore you at this one, too.” I wasn’t trying to be negative, but I hadn’t seen any signs of Alice softening toward him.
“Maybe it’ll be all right if you’re there, guiding her through it. I can’t tell you how glad I am that you’re going to meet my family. I know how you long you’ve been avoiding these kinds of situations.”
I’d gotten used to being a lone wolf. And now I was putting myself in a position of being part of a pack. I was also waiting for the results of the DNA test I’d submitted on the ancestry sites to find my own father and see if there was a familial match. My world was spinning. But so was Kirby’s. We both had a zillion things on our minds.
“Maybe you should do it soon after the party,” I said.
“You mean tell Alice that I might be her dad?”
I nodded, and he rubbed a hand across his beard. He looked old and tired. Worried, it seemed, about how she was going to react when the time came. Would she learn to love him, to accept him? Or would she hate him even more? I prayed it wasn’t the latter.
After a bout of anxiety-ridden silence, I said, “Maybe she’ll be ready to hear it by then. And even if she isn’t, we can’t drag this out forever.”
“Has it been hard on you, keeping my secret?”
“Everything just seems like it’s getting more difficult.” Sleeping with her. Lying to her. Getting close to her. “I never expected to have this kind of affair with her.”
Kirby squinted, making the lines around his eyes more pronounced. “Are you falling in love with her, son?”
Damn, I thought. Did he have to go and say that? I glanced around, looking for an escape. The walls were closing in.
“Spencer?” He prodded me.
I gripped the undersides of my chair, my knuckles going as white as the ink on my tattoo. “I don’t know.” I stared at him, needing his guidance, his wisdom. “What does it feel like to fall in love?”
He came closer to where I was, grabbing a stool for himself and placing it next to mine. “I think it’s a little different for everyone, depending on their situation. When I first fell in love with my ex-wife, I thought I’d be with her forever, considering how open our marriage seemed. But it got tense later, and I hurt her by having a child with another woman.”
“Did you love any of your mistresses?”
“I loved Matt’s mom, but that relationship went awry, too. I’m not a good example of how a man in love should behave. I was too selfish to give someone else what they needed.”
“What about now?” I asked. “Are you better at it with your girlfriend?”
“Yes, but I’m not consumed with being in a relationship and neither is she. It’s a different dynamic. Calmer, more mature.”
I was consumed with Alice, but did that mean that I loved her? “I’m confused about how I feel.”
“I understand that you’re struggling to come to terms with your feelings. But you’re a good man with a good heart, and I’d be thrilled for you and Alice to stay together.”
“Thanks for your confidence. But I’m not right for her.” I wasn’t Alice’s dream man. Was I? At this point, everything seemed chaotic.
“Maybe you should ask her how she feels. She might be confused, too.”
It was sound advice, but could I do it? Not now, I decided, not this soon. “It might be too much to throw at her, with everything else that’s going on. I think it would be smarter to wait.”
“All right. I’ll call my boys and set a date for the family gathering, and you just try to breathe easy. Okay?”
“You, too.” He still looked worried about how Alice was going to react to his news.
We were both stressed over the same woman, but for different reasons. And I feared it was only going to get worse before it got better. If it got better at all.
* * *
Two days later, Alice asked me to spend the night at her place. But I probably should’ve stayed home. I was in a lousy mood. Just that morning, I’d learned that there were no matches for my DNA. No hits whatsoever. It made me feel more alone than ever.
I waited to tell her until bedtime, and she reacted with empathy in her eyes.
“Did you get the results from both websites today?”
I nodded. “Neither of them panned out. No distant cousins. Nothing.”
“I’m sorry.”
/>
“It’s okay.” I gazed at the TV mounted on her wall. We were streaming Sons of Anarchy, the way we’d done at my house on the day of the photo shoot.
She muted the sound. “No, it isn’t. I can tell how disappointed you are.”
“I didn’t really expect it to be that easy. To just submit my DNA and magically find my dad or someone from his family.”
“I know. But you still had hope that maybe it would work.”
I shrugged. I was all screwed up. Not just about whoever my dad was, but about how Alice was making me feel, too.
Was I falling in love with her? Was that happening to me?
She rolled over, skimming her hand along my tattooed arm. The temporary one from LA was long gone. I missed seeing it on her skin, knowing that I’d put it there.
“I can help you,” she said.
I glanced up. “What?”
“To find your dad.”
“How?” I asked, becoming suddenly aware of her silky white nightgown. She rarely wore those sorts of garments to bed. It made her look like a bride. Or my vision of one.
I frowned at my own idiocy. Weddings were the last thing that should be crowding my already cluttered mind.
“We could contact a private investigator and give them whatever information you have.”
“I hardly have any info. And I don’t want to get a PI involved.” It just felt too personal to me, handing my family history over to someone else.
“Then we can do it ourselves. We can talk to your mother’s old friends, the ones she was traveling with when she met your dad. They might remember something useful.”
“I have no idea who took that trip with her. Besides, I haven’t seen any of her friends since she died.”
“Do you know any of their last names?”
“I remember Joanie Pierce. She was an aspiring actress back then. She’s the one Mom called to take her to the hospital, who was with her when she passed.” When my life had been blown apart, I thought.
Alice touched my arm again, softly, comfortingly. “Then we can start there. We can do this together.”
I reached for her, more confused than ever. She was offering to help me find my father, and I was withholding information about hers and panicking about falling in love with her.
“Maybe we should wait a while,” I said. “I don’t think I’m ready to continue my search just yet.” I couldn’t go on a daddy quest, not now, not like this.
“Just let me know when you’re ready.” She nuzzled against me. “I’ll be here for you, Spencer.”
Overwrought with anxiety, I held her. But in the pit of my screwed-up soul, I wanted to run and hide. To bow out of Kirby’s get-together. To not search for my father. And most of all, to stop seeing Alice. Yet as overwhelmed as I was, I couldn’t seem to let her go.
She said, “I hope that when you’re ready, we’re able to find your dad or someone from his family. Ever since I reached out to my dad’s family and connected with them online, it’s brought me some comfort.”
Her attachment to Joel’s family wasn’t going to help matters, not with the likelihood of Kirby being her father. But for now, I needed a reprieve, not just from our dads, but from my jumbled feelings for her.
I moved away from her and gestured to the TV, where crimes were being committed. “Do you want to finish watching the show?”
“Okay.” She reached for the remote.
She unmuted the volume, and I let the noise engulf me.
I appreciated the diversion, until the scene changed, showcasing a painfully tender moment between star-crossed lovers.
I suffered through it for a while, but when it dragged on longer than I could bear, I said, “Maybe we should turn it off now.”
“But we just started watching it again.”
I made a face. The couple on the screen were locked in an emotional embrace. “It’s getting late, and I think we should get some sleep.”
She checked the time on her phone. “It’s not even eleven.”
I defended myself. “I’ve been up since really early, and it’s been a long day.”
She conceded. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” She pressed the off button on the remote. “We can finish it another time.”
I motioned for her to extinguish the light. The lamp was on her side of the bed.
She darkened the room, and we closed our eyes and spooned. But sleep didn’t come easy for me. I stayed awake, pressed against her. And as I listened to her breathe, as I kept her unbearably close, my angst intensified.
Right along with my fear of love.
* * *
I woke up the next day, feeling exactly the same way. Alice wasn’t beside me anymore. She’d gotten up and left me alone.
I searched for my phone and checked the time. I’d slept until noon. I dragged my ass into the shower and soaped down.
Afterward, I got dressed and found Alice in the living room, curled up on the couch, with her nose buried in her laptop. Was she shopping for one of her new clients? I should be working, too, composing at my piano. But I was here instead, staring longingly at her.
She glanced up and spotted me. “Hey, sleepyhead.”
“Afternoon,” I replied, hiding my emotions.
“Are you hungry? You missed breakfast, but I made pasta salad for lunch. There’s a bowl of fresh melon, too. I already ate, but it’s in the fridge if you want some.”
“I wouldn’t mind a few bites.” Some fuel to restore my brainpower. I went into the kitchen and got the food.
I came back and sat next to Alice, watching her out of the corner of my eye.
She closed her laptop and said, “You had a tough night.”
At least I hadn’t been plagued with one of my nightmares. That would have left me in a sickening sweat. “Did I wake you with my tossing and turning?”
“Yes. But I fell back asleep. Were you stressing about what we talked about? About finding your father?”
“I guess so.” I couldn’t admit that I was frazzled about my feelings for her. Or that I was keeping a secret about her family.
“Too bad people weren’t doing selfies back then. If they were, your mom probably would have snapped one with your dad.”
I put my plate down. “Do you have pictures of your parents you can show me?” I was especially curious to see her mother—the woman Kirby had swept into two troubling affairs.
“I have some separate ones of them in here.” Alice reopened her laptop. “I just need to find them.”
She had tons of current photos. I peered over her shoulder, watching as she scrolled through them. Her sister and the kids were in a lot of them. Her BFF Tracy, too.
“Oh. Here’s my dad.” She opened it to full view.
I analyzed Joel. He had a lanky build, sandy blond hair and a casual demeanor, the exact opposite of Kirby’s rugged appearance and outlaw persona. Alice didn’t resemble Joel. She didn’t look like Kirby, either. I couldn’t begin to guess which of the two men was her father.
“He seems like he would have been a nice guy.” I felt bad that her mother had cheated on him, but he was gone now. Kirby was still alive, worrying that Alice might be his daughter.
“His family says great things about him.” She clicked to the next picture. “This is Mama, before she got so depressed.”
Cathy had refined features, framed by dark red hair tumbling past her shoulders. She posed playfully for the camera, radiating innocence, sprinkled with a dash of sex appeal. Were those the qualities she’d conveyed when Kirby had first come upon her?
“She’s so pretty.” So intriguing, I thought. “You favor her.” Except Alice looked much wilder.
“Do you have any pictures of your mom I can see?”
I nodded. “Most of them are in boxes in my attic, but I scanned a few onto my phone.” I rem
oved it from my pocket and opened the file. Up until now, I’d kept the album private. Alice would be the first person to view it. Rather than narrate, I handed her my phone.
She studied the first image, a headshot from my mother’s portfolio, showcasing her long, wavy brown hair, expressive eyes and glittering smile.
“Oh, Spencer. I can see her being an actress. She probably could’ve modeled, too. She was a natural beauty.” Alice lifted her gaze. “You don’t look like her, though. Even with as handsome as you are, you don’t have any features in common with hers.”
Clearly, I favored my unknown dad. “My aunt used to say that I inherited my mom’s spirit.” Of course, coming from her, it hadn’t been a compliment. But to me, it was.
Alice continued going through the album. “Is this you?” She grinned at the screen.
I leaned over to see what it was. “Yep. Yours truly.” I was about five, dressed in a fireman’s costume, the red plastic hat practically wobbling on my head. “I wanted to be a firefighter back then.”
“You were adorable.”
“I was shy.”
“And now you’re all grown up.” She roamed her gaze over me. “Big and strong and sexy. You can put out my fire anytime.”
I stared back at her, admiring the way her stretchy little top clung to her breasts. “I think I’d rather ignite it.”
The sound of a text interrupted our flirtation.
She returned my phone to me, without glancing down at it. I appreciated her respecting my privacy.
I checked the notification. “It’s from Kirby. He said that he can do the party this Saturday. I guess everyone else is available then. Is that too soon for you?”
She sighed. “It’s fine.”
“It’s okay with me, too.” I wanted to get it over with, the sooner the better. “I’ll let him know.”
“I’m excited about you meeting the twins.” She scooted closer to me. “You like kids, don’t you?”
“I haven’t been around that many. But yeah, I like them. Children and animals make the world go around.” When she smiled, I skimmed her cheek. But before I touched her too much, I said, “I should go. I have to work.”
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