by JJ Ellis
Evelyn acted like she didn’t hear him and set his plate in front of him before sitting down with her own plate.
“Your brother came home from the hospital today. He’s staying in his apartment here in town, you should go visit him.”
“I will,” Logan mumbled, staring off into space. He was sad that Dylan hadn’t had the chance to meet Jayna and CJ like his mom and Russell had. But at least his baby brother was alive to see another day.
Evelyn jabbered on and on about Jayna and CJ throughout the meal, making the pressure in Loan’s chest increase nearly to the point it had been at the airport. If she didn’t leave soon, he might just stop breathing.
After stowing leftover casserole in the refrigerator, Evelyn prepared to leave. As she put her jacket on, she turned to him. “Can I leave you with a couple of thoughts?"
Logan sighed. “Even if I didn’t want you to, you would.”
“Touché son, touché. Do you really think your brother would want you to live this way?”
When Logan didn’t answer, she continued. “Love didn’t kill him. His depression did. You need to realize that. If he hadn’t had that damn disorder, he would have found a new love and a way to embrace and announce his sexuality.”
“It was love, Ma,” Logan said between clenched teeth. “It killed Ben. It nearly destroyed Russell and turned Dylan into a fucking Casanova."
“Oh Son, you are so wrong. Your oldest brother’s depression and suicide is what nearly destroyed you boys, not love. You were too grief stricken to see the truth. Hell, we all were. It’s time to move on with our lives, Logan.”
“Go Mother. Now. Please.”
“I love you son,” she whispered as she left the apartment.
**********
The cool night air felt refreshing as Logan ran down Main Street. It seemed to clear some of the pressure from his chest. Now the only reason he might have trouble breathing would be from physical exertion.
As he made his way to the park, he tried to clear his mind completely, concentrating solely on the beat of his shoes on the pavement. Soon, he would try to get answers. Turning onto the road leading to the park, he slowed to a fast walk. By the time he reached the swings and sat down on one, his breathing was normal.
“Hey Ben, push me on the swing!” Logan hollered to his older brother.
“Sure thing brat,” Ben joked, walking over to his mini-me. “Just remember, don’t kick your feet.”
“Okay, Ben.”
The older boy pushed as hard as he could, making his brother squeal in delight. Just as Logan’s swing came back, he pumped his legs out of habit and Ben took a foot to the face.
The oldest Harper brother went down screaming, soaking the gravel with blood.
“Ben, Ben! I’m so sorry,” Logan screamed as he jumped out of the swing and tumbled to the ground.
Logan chuckled at the memory. He and Ben had both ended up in the ER that day. One with a broken nose and the other with a broken arm. Despite the pain and fear surrounding the incident, the two brothers had bonded over their broken bones.
“Oh Ben, I really need to talk to you,” he murmured into the night. "I have so much to ask you. Is there any way Mom could be right? Why Ben? Why did you do it?”
Logan stood up abruptly from the swing and ran toward home. “And why did I have to be the one to find you,” he screamed as the breeze dried his tears before they could fall.
**********
After his hot shower, Logan sat down on his bed and grabbed his phone off of his nightstand. It was nine o’clock in Nevada so hopefully Jayna would still be awake. He pulled up her contact and hit send. She picked up on the third ring.
“Hello Logan.”
“Hey. How was your trip?”
“It was good,” she said softly. “CJ slept or ate the whole way.”
“That’s good. I’m glad he wasn’t fussy.”
“Yeah,” she chuckled. “He waited until we got here. I think he misses you.”
“Nah, he’s just being stubborn. He’ll burp eventually.”
“It’s not just when he needs to burp, Logan. He’s just downright fussy.” There was silence on the line for so long that Jayna thought he’d hung up.
“I miss him too.”
“You’re still planning on coming to visit…right?”
“Of course,” he reassured. “Hopefully in January.” He could hear his own breathing matching hers over the line. “How are Jack, Deb and the kids?”
“Oh, they are great. The kids adore CJ.”
“That’s good. He definitely won’t be hurting for family.”
“That’s true,” Jayna agreed. “Logan I…I really miss you.”
“I miss you too,” he admitted. “I’m sorry, but that’s all…”
“I know,” she whispered. “That’s all I need…for now.”
“Hey,” Logan said brightly. “Is that my little man I hear in the background?”
“It is. He’s fighting sleep.”
“Can I…can I say hi to him?”
“Sure,” she answered, moving the phone down to the baby’s ear.
“Hey buddy. You need to go to sleep for your mama. She’s had a long day.” CJ cooed and he heard Jayna laughing.
“He was so excited to hear your voice.”
“I hope he goes to sleep for you soon. Give him a kiss for me.”
“I will. Goodnight Logan.”
“Goodnight Jayna.” He hung up the phone and crawled under the covers. The absence of her warm body next to him was hard to deal with. Finally he went out to the couch and laid down. But he soon discovered that it wasn’t much better than his bed. No matter how much he needed sleep, he wouldn’t be getting much that night.
Chapter 17
Over the next three days, Logan didn’t have much time to think about anything. He spent his days catching up on things at the grocery store and supervising the moving crew as they packed his stuff and took it out to his new house on the ranch.
The fourth day after Jayna left, he had the day off of work and moved in to his brand new, custom built two-story ranch house. With four bedrooms and three bathrooms he wondered what the hell he’d been thinking when he’d okayed the plans for it. It would always be too big for him. But at least his friends and family would have plenty of room for visits.
He wandered into the master bedroom to see that it was completely set up, including sheets and pillows on the bed. So, this was it. His home for the rest of his life. It was a beautiful piece of architecture and he loved the ski lodge feel of it, but something was missing. Whatever it was took some of the joy out of move-in day. So much so that he decided to go back into work. He couldn’t sit around the big empty house all day. Besides, he somehow couldn’t bring himself to go through his stuff and unpack.
By ten o’clock that night, he pulled into his driveway. He hadn’t really been needed at work, but he'd managed to keep himself busy. It was a bit disheartening when he’d realized how well his store could run without him. He definitely had hired the best people around.
Unlocking the front door, he bypassed the boxes sitting around and headed straight for the master bedroom. Stripping out of all of his clothes, he crawled into bed naked; something he hadn’t been able to do in a while. He reached over and turned the light off. After nearly an hour of tossing and turning he turned the light back on and grabbed his phone from his pants pocket. He dialed Jayna.
“Hi Logan. How are you?”
It was so good to hear her voice. He couldn’t help but smile. “I’m okay, how are you and CJ?”
“We’re okay. We miss you…and kind of Harper’s Rock too. I’ve been looking for apartments in Vegas and it’s just so overwhelming.”
“You’re used to living in the middle of nowhere. The city will take some getting used to.”
“Yeah,” she whispered, unshed tears evident in her voice.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, concerned.
“Just overwhelme
d,” she murmured. “You’re right. I’ll get used to it.”
“I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do.”
“Yeah, I know,” she answered. “So, what have you been up to?”
He wanted to invite her back to Harper’s Rock, but it just wouldn’t be right. “I moved into my house on the ranch.”
“Oh how exciting! I wish I could have seen it before I left.”
“Yeah, me too.” He wished she’d been there long enough to put a few of her touches on his empty house. “I went in to work instead of unpacking. I just can’t face it yet.”
“Why not?”
“Truthfully, I don’t know. It’s just not something I can do yet. I’ll get to it soon I’m sure.”
“Maybe you weren’t ready to leave the apartment yet.”
“Too many memories there,” he murmured before he could stop himself.
“Of me and CJ?” she asked.
“Hey, speaking of CJ is he awake by chance?”
She ignored the fact that he changed the subject. “No, he’s asleep but I’ll give him a hug and a kiss for you.”
“Thank you,” he said, his voice choked up. “I really miss…I miss both of you.”
“Come visit,” she said quietly.
“Maybe…” he asserted. “I’ll talk to you again soon, Jayna.”
“Okay. Goodbye Logan.”
He hung up the phone, set it on the nightstand and turned off the light. As he was falling asleep he had the brief thought that his life was falling apart and there was nothing he could do about it.
**********
Over the following few days, Logan woke up at his new house and went straight to work only to return every night at ten. On the fourth day after moving in, he woke up and looked around. Finally, he was tired of all of the boxes laying around and serving no purpose. It was time to unpack.
It didn’t take him long to put all of his books and knickknacks on the new built-ins in the living room. He then moved on to the kitchen and dining room where all of his dishes, appliances and accessories were put in their proper places. The rest of the boxes in the living room were unpacked into his office/den…the last thing before he tackled the bedroom was to get the TV and stereo system hooked up in the family room. Except for his personal belongings and his four-month-old TV and stereo system, everything else in the house was brought in new. Unpacking the rest would be done before dinner.
Around noon, he took a break for lunch and decided to text Jayna while he ate.
“Hi.”
“Hey! How are you?”
“Good. Finally unpacking. I have no idea why I waited so long.”
“You love our job and missed it when you had to be on the run with me.”
Logan knew there was more to it than that but agreed with her. “Probably. So how is my baby boy?”
“He’s great!” she texted back.
“Not walking or talking yet?” he texted with a winky face.
It took a few minutes before Jayna responded. “Haha, not yet, but he smiles more and more every day.”
“He probably doesn’t remember me now,” Logan texted with a frowny face.
Within seconds she responded with a smiley face. “Come visit! I have to go. Deb is taking me to the doctor for my post-partum check-up."
“Okay. Ttyl”
“I love you, Logan.”
His finger poised over the key pad for a minute before he finally typed. “Jayna I…miss you.”
Quickly putting his lunch dishes in the sink, he headed to the master bedroom to unpack. There were only eight or so boxes, most of which were clothes and other stuff he stored in the closet. He was down to one box in just under an hour. The last box was full of bedding that would be stored in the linen closet outside of the bathroom. He hefted the stuff out and turned to walk toward the bathroom when something hard hit the floor. He dropped the linens and bent to pick up what looked like a picture frame. When he turned it over in his hands, he saw a picture of himself with Jayna and CJ. There was something strange about it. Something he didn’t like. Something that caused the pressure and burning in his chest to increase again. The picture frame dropped from his hands and landed on the pile of linens. He turned and ran through the house and to his SUV. Within minutes he was at the makeshift barn and on Digger’s back. He took off blindly, headed across the open ranch land. He pushed Digger as hard as he safely could. He needed to think, and riding his horse was his only alternative to running away.
Just because he didn’t believe in romantic love didn’t mean he couldn’t recognize it when he saw it. Especially when the photograph showed it clearly written all over his face as he watched Jayna and CJ together. When they had visited his mother the morning after Reggie was caught, Jayna had Evelyn take a picture of them. During one of her trips down to the store, she must have had a copy made and framed. The sticky note attached to the frame’s glass had said, “Logan, look at your face…how can that be something bad.” His gaze had been focused solely on Jayna.
He found himself at the stand of trees where he and his brothers had once built a fort. It seemed that Digger knew better than him where he wanted to be. Dismounting, he tied the horse to one of the ancient trees and made his way through the branches to the middle of the stand. Their old fort was scattered across the ground but the old swing Ben had built was still there, and upon closer inspection, it seemed to have held strong. He tentatively sat down on it and moved back and forth even though his legs were now much too long. The breeze whistled through the surrounding trees. That had always been a comforting sound. To him, that whistle meant brotherhood, friendship and safety.
Logan closed his eyes to the visual stimulus around him and just listened. “Love is good.” He opened his eyes and looked around. There was no one there. He closed his eyes again. The wind picked up, blowing dirt and twigs around his feet and the whistling was getting louder and louder. “It’s okay to love.” This time Logan didn’t open his eyes. He knew it was just the wind. But this particular wind reminded him of his oldest brother. Was the breeze bringing him a faraway message from Ben? Was that even possible? He heard a snap and then a small crack as the swing broke, tossing him onto the ground. As his knees hit the dirt, he suddenly knew. He loved Jayna and it was okay. Ben would approve. That’s when the tears started. No matter how much he tried to stop himself, he just couldn’t. Sixteen years of mourning and pain came rushing out. He only remembered crying once, briefly, after he had found Ben’s body. It hadn’t been nearly enough. It suddenly felt like he was back on the hunting cabin’s porch with blood all around him. In the present, he heard himself screaming his brother’s name over and over again but was helpless to stop. Finally, nearly breathless, he collapsed onto the ground. When his eyes opened the trees were still and the whistling had stopped. The world was quiet except for the light buzzing sound coming from under his body. He slowly sat up and retrieved his phone. His mother’s name appeared on caller ID.
“Hey Ma,” he said hoarsely.
“Son, are you okay? Jace Peters was working on the barn and said he saw you ride out near the grove, and then he heard screaming.”
Logan was quiet for a moment, trying to control his emotions. “I’m okay. I…I just had some stuff to get off my mind. Can I come over for dinner?”
“Of course you can. Your uncle, Jackson, young Ethan, Russell, Emily and Miranda will all be here.”
“Perfect! Thanks Ma. I’ll be there soon.”
Logan picked himself up and brushed himself off before making his way through the trees. Digger nuzzled him when he came near. “I’m okay, boy. Let’s get you back to your temporary home."
**********
Logan walked into his mother’s house to be greeted by his niece Miranda and her puppy Rizzy.
“Hi Uncle Logan,” the little girl said excitedly as she hugged him.
“Hey kiddo. I love you, you know that right? One of these days, we’ll go to lunch so I can apologize for not
going with you the other day.”
“I can’t wait,” she squealed loudly as she ran from the room.
His brother Russell stood there looking at him. “I’ll hold you to that, Logan. You won’t disappoint my daughter.”
“I know I won’t, big brother,” he said, giving him a hug. “I love you, man. Things will be different from now on.”
Russell stood there in shock as his brother went into the kitchen to greet everyone else.
“Oh Mama,” he said excitedly as he picked her up and twirled her around. “I love you.”
Evelyn chuckled and hugged her son back. “I love you too, kiddo. It’s been way too long since I’ve heard those words come freely out of your mouth."
“Yeah, and now he’s spouting it off to everyone he sees,” Russell joked, patting his brother on the back. “Welcome home, Logan. I just made it back myself. And I think Dylan will be next if Nicoletta Ballas has anything to say about it."
**********
Everyone was sitting around the dining room table enjoying coffee and dessert when Logan cleared his throat and asked to say something. Everyone quieted immediately.
“I just want to apologize to everyone for my actions over the last God knows how long. I finally…” His voice became choked with emotion.
“It’s okay, son. We know. I think this whole family has finally come to terms with your brother’s dea…suicide. We know exactly what you’re saying.”
“Thanks, Ma.”
“We’ve accepted your apology Logan,” she stressed. “But isn’t there one more person you should apologize to?”
Logan smiled brightly. “In person, Ma. Uncle Ethan, do you think Aunt Charlotte would mind if I stayed at the guest house for a couple of days?”
“Of course not!” Ethan enthused. “I’ll go call her now and arrange everything.”
“Thank you, Uncle Cowboy,” he said, using his uncle’s nickname for the first time in sixteen years. Everyone else still used it, but he had stopped for some reason. “Tell her I’ll make my own way from the airport. I think Jayna and I will need our own car so I’ll rent one.”