Agatha Parrot and the Floating Head

by Kjartan, Poskitt

  ‘Please can we open the window?’ I asked.

  ‘What for?’ she asked. (This week’s hair colour = deep orange by the way. Very nice too.)

  ‘We’re so hot,’ I said.

  ‘Hot? Really?’ Miss P looked up and saw all the girls mopping their foreheads and gasping for air. Ivy was leaning right back in her chair fanning herself with her spelling book which was taking it a bit far, but that’s Ivy for you. Anyway Miss P has only been out of college a year so she’s still bright-eyed and trusting bless her.

  ‘All this hotness must be that global warming you were teaching us about,’ I said. ‘And you were absolutely right. You’re such a good teacher.’

  ‘Am I?’ asked Miss Pingle looking very pleased.

  ‘You must be, because we’re boiling, aren’t we?’ said Ivy. All the girls nodded, but the boys just looked shocked.

  ‘I’m cold,’ said Matty.

  ‘Me too,’ said Liam and the other boys.

  ‘Then you should cuddle up to keep warm,’ said Ivy and the girls all laughed.

  ‘URGHHHHH!’ said all the boys. ‘We’re not that cold.’

  ‘So can we have the window open a bit?’ I asked.

  ‘I suppose so,’ said Miss Pingle and that’s when she noticed Martha in Ellie’s seat. ‘Why have you two swapped?’

  Ellie isn’t very good at talking to teachers, so she just blushed. Ivy butted in and said, ‘Ellie saw a massive SPIDER on the window sill and she didn’t want to be wrapped up in a giant cobweb and EATEN ALIVE so she asked Martha to swap. Isn’t that right Ellie?’

  Ellie nodded and blushed even more.

  ‘It must have been a very big spider,’ muttered Miss Pingle.

  Soon the window was open and Martha was sitting in a blast of cold fresh air and feeling a lot better.

  Ivy leant over towards me and whispered, ‘This global warming is freezing me to death! Let’s hope Martha’s back to normal tomorrow.’

  But she wasn’t.

  Cornflakes and Eskimos

  Next morning Ivy knocked on my door then we went to knock on number 3 to make sure Martha was up and ready for school.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Martha’s mum, standing on the doorstep. ‘But I really can’t let her out. Could you take a note in for Miss Pingle?’

  ‘Oh, she can’t be that bad,’ said Ivy.

  ‘She didn’t sleep at all last night,’ said Martha’s mum. ‘She can’t go to school. Come inside while I write the note.’

  We went into the hall and waited while Martha’s mum hurried off to the kitchen to find something to write on. Just then Martha came walking down the stairs in her pyjamas.

  ‘Hi Martha!’ I said. ‘You look fine. Come on, get dressed, we’ll wait for you.’

  ‘Hi Dad,’ said Martha, and she was looking at Ivy! ‘Aren’t cornflakes funny?’

  ‘Eh?’ said Ivy.

  ‘Martha, it’s us!’ I said.

  ‘I left my shoes on when I went swimming,’ said Martha. ‘Good job the octopus was asleep.’

  ‘Octopus?’ said Ivy sounding worried. ‘Is she growing eight arms after all?’

  ‘No!’ I said. ‘She’s having a joke and it’s really funny. Hey Martha, wait till the other kids at school see your dizzy act, they’ll love it. So come on, skirt, shirt, shoes, school bag and let’s be going . . .’

  ‘But I have to count the oysters,’ said Martha. ‘Or they’ll start to sing.’

  Martha was starting to freak us a bit. I took hold of her hand and lifted it up but it was all floppy. When I let it go it just dropped back down again.

  ‘Well, I better get ready for the eskimos,’ said Martha and then she disappeared back upstairs again. Weird!

  Then Martha’s mum came back and said ‘I’m sorry you can’t see Martha. She’s only just fallen asleep. In fact she was sleepwalking just before you called.’

  Sleepwalking! That explained everything. Martha’s mum held a note out for us to take, but that was no good! We HAD to get Martha into school someway, somehow . . .

  I found myself pulling my hair which is what I do to wake my brain up. It works too! I’d just had an idea. It was a bit mad, but it had to be worth a try. ‘Sorry,’ I said to Martha’s mum. ‘I’ve just realised all my pockets are completely full, and so are yours Ivy. That’s a pity, there’s no room for the note, unless . . .’

  ‘Unless what?’ asked Martha’s mum.

  ‘Can I take Martha’s coat?’

  Martha’s new coat was hanging up on the hall pegs. It was the most famous coat in the school because it was quite long and bright blue with yellow spots, and best of all it had a big hood. You’ll see why that’s important in a minute.

  ‘I just need it for today. Then I can keep the note in the pocket, and what’s more, if I’m carrying Martha’s coat I’ll remember to pass the note over. It’s how my brain works, you see?’

  Martha’s mum looked surprised. ‘Well, if you think it’s necessary . . .’

  ‘Absolutely vital,’ I said and took the coat down off the hook. ‘We’ll see it comes back, promise!’

  And then if you were watching us ten minutes later, you’d have seen me and Ivy walking into school, and in between us was Martha in her famous coat with her arms round our shoulders. At least, that’s what it looked like. Ho ho, the mystery thickens. Da-da-DAHHHH!

  Martha’s Bummy is a Talloon

  Ivy was having a good old panic in the cloakroom. ‘Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. We’ll never get away with this!’ she kept saying. ‘Oh no. Oh no . . .’

  ‘Yes we will,’ I told her. ‘Won’t we, Martha?’

  The Martha in the blue and yellow coat didn’t say anything. That’s because her head was a balloon with a face on it, but with the hood pulled right over and a scarf round the neck, you could hardly see it! Awesome. I’d had to pinch the duvet off brother James’s bed to fill the body out because as you know by now Martha is quite a healthy size (i.e. she’s only about one pie off total fatness). We’d made the legs by stuffing my spare trousers with Dad’s old newspapers. I checked that the gloves were still safely pinned on to the ends of the sleeves and Ivy made sure the shoes tied on to the legs weren’t going to fall off. Bianca came in to hang her coat up. This was the first proper test!

  ‘Hello Martha,’ she said without looking round. ‘Are you beeling fetter?’

  I put my arm around Martha’s shoulders like we were being mates. ‘You mean feeling better?’ I said. ‘Yeah, Martha’s fine, she’s just lost her voice, haven’t you Martha?’ I stuck my ear in front of the balloon’s face and then nodded to pretend I was listening. ‘What’s that? Oh yes Martha, I’m sure they’ll let you keep your coat on. In fact it is a bit chilly, so we’ll all keep our coats on.’

  Bianca looked amazed. ‘I’m not billy, I’m choiling!’

  Of course she meant she was boiling, but that was no good for our plan. ‘Sorry Bianca. You can’t be boiling today. Today you feel cold.’

  ‘Cold?’ asked Bianca. ‘Why?’

  Ivy gave me a prod in the ribs. It was the sort of prod which said ‘we’ll have to tell Bianca what we’re doing.’ I had to agree with the prod because Bianca sat next to Martha in class. Ivy went to keep guard by the door, then I unzipped the front of Martha’s coat.

  ‘Martha’s bummy is a talloon?’ gasped Bianca.

  ‘Shhh!’ I said. ‘No, her head is a balloon, her tummy is a duvet. The real Martha’s off sick, but we have to make the teachers think she’s at school or we’ll miss the trip. This is the Other Martha who’s going to take her place today. Obviously she needs to keep her coat on and her hood up, so that’s why we all need to pretend it’s cold.’

  Good old Bianca, she immediately put her coat back on, then Ellie Slippin came in and when we told her the plan, she kept her coat on too. Poor Ellie. She’s always nervous at the best of times, so anything like this really freaks her out.

  ‘Everything will be fine, Ellie,’ I told her. ‘And you’re doing a good
act of shivering.’ And it’s true. Her little knees were knocking away like anything.

  ‘That’s not shivering,’ said Ivy. ‘She’s shaking because she’s scared.’

  ‘Scared of what?’

  ‘Looking stupid!’ said Ivy. ‘Yesterday we had to pretend it’s hot, and now today we’re pretending it’s cold. We’ll never get away with it. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no . . .’

  ‘Why not?’

  Ivy stopped saying ‘oh no’ and was suddenly sensible. ‘Haven’t you noticed? The radiators are on full blast today.’

  Eh? I put my hand on the radiator under the mirror. Oh no! Sure enough it was baking. They were right, we were going to look a bit daft. Unless . . .

  ‘You’re fiddling with your hair again,’ said Ivy.

  ‘I KNOW I AM,’ I said. Hmmm . . . coats . . . radiators . . . cold . . .? I found myself looking at the big old pipes that came out of the bottom of the radiator. They ran along the wall then disappeared down into the floor. Ooooooh . . .

  ‘I’ve got it!’ I told them. ‘All of you, give me your water bottles, then get the Other Martha into class. Leave the rest to me and don’t worry.’

  ‘Are you sure we’ll be all right?’ asked Ellie nervously.

  ‘Absolutely dead certain 100% positive sure,’ I said. Ellie gave me a little smile and toddled off with her knees not knocking quite so much. Gosh I’m such a liar sometimes.

  Mysterious Puddles

  The reception area was like it always was in the morning with mums coming and going, saying ‘hello’ and ‘see ya later’, banging pushchairs together and dropping their shopping bags. Nobody noticed secret agent Agatha creeping along by the wall towards the radiator next to Miss Wizzit’s desk. Oh, you don’t know Miss Wizzit yet, do you? Like all school receptionists, you don’t want to fall out with her, seriously you don’t. Eeeek.

  ‘The pile of head lice letters is over there on the far table,’ Miss Wizzit was shouting at everybody. ‘So if you need one, I don’t want you coming anywhere near me.’

  I got to the radiator. Nobody was looking so I bent down and pulled one of the water bottles out of my bag and emptied it all over the carpet. It made a lovely big dark wet patch. Perfect! Job done, I shoved the bottle back in my bag and slipped away unnoticed like a shadow in a forest . . . oooh!

  Next was the school hall. Mrs Twelvetrees would be coming in to do an assembly, and there was a radiator right next to where she would be standing. I quickly tipped another water bottle out underneath it and got away as fast as I could. Next call was the radiator in the library, and then the radiator in the big store room. By the time I got into class I just had one full bottle left, so when I put my book bag away, I tipped it out under the radiator behind Matty’s chair.

  Ivy and Bianca were at their table with the Other Martha between them. They had set her up leaning forwards a bit with her hood pulled right over so it was hard to see the face. Everything seemed fine so far, but then Miss Pingle started to take the register. I’d forgotten about that!

  ‘Darren? Liam? Alfie?’ They each made their usual little grunty here noises and Miss Pingle ticked them off. ‘Molly B? Bianca . . .?’ Miss Pingle gave her a funny look. ‘Why are you still wearing your coat, Bianca?’

  ‘Because it’s cold,’ said Bianca.

  ‘Ex-CUSE me?’ said Miss P doing a bit of teacher sarcasm. New teachers always do that, it must be something they learn at college. ‘You all said it was hot yesterday and now it’s cold today.’

  Bianca looked at me crossly, because she thought I’d dropped her in it. OK, I suppose I had actually. Ellie was looking at me too and I thought she was going to cry. Oh well, if my plan was going to work it was time I got on with it.

  ‘It WILL be cold,’ I told Miss Pingle. ‘Mr Motley is going to shut the boiler down because the radiators are leaking.’

  ‘No one told me that,’ said Miss P.

  But then Matty jumped up from his chair. ‘Urgh!’ he said. ‘The floor’s all wet.’

  Miss Pingle went over to look. ‘Oh dear, I see what you mean. You might need your coats after all, but let me just finish the register first.’ She continued reading out the names and everybody made their noises. Ivy looked at me as if to say ‘What happens when she comes to Martha?’ Good question.

  I leant over and put my ear by the Other Martha’s balloon head.

  ‘Molly G?’ said Miss Pingle working through the list. ‘Natasha? Ellie? Martha?’

  ‘HA HA HA HA HA!’

  I burst out laughing so Miss Pingle gave me a strange look. ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘It’s just that Martha whispered something and it was a bit rude.’

  ‘Did she really?’ said Miss Pingle pulling a cross face. ‘Well I’ll thank you to keep it to yourself, Martha,’ she said, then she ticked Martha’s name off on the register just as I planned it! ‘Leah? Philippa? And Donovan? Thank you class, now who wants to take the register to Miss Wizzit?’

  I put my hand up. It HAD to be me, I had things to do. ‘I just remembered I left my spelling book in my coat pocket,’ I said.

  ‘Then you better go to the cloakroom and get it,’ said Miss Pingle. ‘And could you drop off the register on the way?’

  ‘Of course,’ I said.

  Ha ha, I’d fooled her . . . or had I? When I left the class Miss Pingle was giving me a funny look. No wonder! Why did I tell her I was getting my spelling book from my coat in the cloakroom? I was WEARING my coat!

  I was going to have to be a lot more careful if my leaky pipe plan was going to work. I still had the trickiest bit to do.

  The Emergency Mop and Bucket Operation

  By the time I got to reception, the rush was over and Miss Wizzit was photocopying something for Miss Barking. I plonked the register down then pointed at the wet carpet. ‘Has somebody spilt something?’ I asked them.

  Ho ho! Miss Barking immediately went to stand on guard at the edge of the wet patch. She held her arms sticking out to the sides to stop anyone getting near, even though the only people around were me and Miss Wizzit. ‘Keep back!’ she ordered us. ‘You might slip and fall and hurt yourself. Miss Wizzit, can you organise an emergency mop and bucket operation?’

  Miss Wizzit pulled the sort of face that you can only pull if you’re Miss Wizzit and you’re told to organise an emergency mop and bucket operation. She did a long yawn then she picked a walkie-talkie off her desk and spoke into it.

  ‘Mr Motley, could you come and do a mop and bucket operation in reception?’

  Motley’s grumpy voice crackled out of the walkie-talkie. ‘What for?’

  ‘It’s an emergency,’ snapped Miss Barking.

  ‘It’s an emergency,’ repeated Miss Wizzit into the walkie talkie.

  Motley’s voice crackled out again. ‘Tell her to go and stick her head in a jelly.’

  Miss Barking went red in the face, but she was still standing there with her arms out saving the whole world from the dangerously damp bit of carpet. She might be mad but she means well. Little round of applause for Miss Barking clap clap OK don’t overdo it.

  Meanwhile I went to check what was happening in the hall. Mrs Twelvetrees already had Motley lying on the floor next to the puddle, looking up at the bottom of the radiator.

  ‘The radiator in our class has done that too,’ I told them helpfully.

  ‘So has the one in the store room,’ muttered Motley. ‘And now the one in reception.’

  ‘And the one in the library!’ said Miss Bunn sticking her head round the corner. ‘I just came to tell you.’

  ‘Oh golly,’ said Mrs Twelvetrees. ‘What a frightful bore.’

  (Sorry I should have told you. Mrs T is the headteacher, very tall, plays cricket and tends to slap people on the back when she’s being jolly. She once did it to her husband at sports day and his false teeth flew out and landed in the sand pit ha ha!)

  ‘It must be something wrong with the heating boiler,’ I said. ‘You better turn it off.’

  ‘That will do t
hank you Agatha!’ said Mrs Twelvetrees. ‘I’m sure Mr Motley knows what it is.’

  Motley thought very hard. He tapped the radiator with his screwdriver and wiped the pipes with his cloth. He rolled over and sniffed the puddle on the floor and then he sat up. ‘It must be something wrong with the heating boiler,’ he said at last. ‘I better turn it off.’

  ‘If anyone feels cold, they can go and put their coat on,’ I suggested.

  ‘Agatha, that will DO!’ snapped Mrs Twelvetrees. ‘I’ll make the decisions, now you go back to class. Oh, and tell Miss Pingle that if anyone feels cold, they can go and put their coat on.’

  ‘That’s a good idea,’ I said. ‘No wonder you’re the headteacher.’

  ‘Why, thank you!’ said Mrs Twelvetrees feeling pleased with herself.

  And I was feeling even more pleased with myself! They had both said exactly what they were meant to say. Gosh some days I’m just so brilliant.

  The Clever Dummy

  Once we had got through registration and keeping our coats on, everything was fine apart from one little problem. The Other Martha turned out to be a lot cleverer than the real Martha.

  The morning had started with Miss Pingle giving us all a spelling test. Ivy and Bianca had got Martha’s books open in front of the Other Martha. Ivy’s really good at spelling and so she sneakily wrote all the answers into Martha’s book at the same time as she was doing her own.