by J H Cardwell
I wanted to die right there, I wanted to break down and fall in his arms and tell him I loved him too. I couldn’t imagine my future without Tate in it. My brain wouldn’t let me. It was done with Tate, with his lust for stardom, with his betrayal. It was now putting my body in protection mode, keeping my heart from responding. I couldn’t speak, much less fold to his begging performance.
I just stared at him down on the ground, and then I walked away. I walked away. No tears, no looking back, I just left. My body was numb, but it was able to take me away. God, help me. I can’t do this on my own. I prayed. Somehow, I knew that if I didn’t walk away now, I would always be second place to Tate’s dream…baseball. How could I have not seen this before now? I knew he loved the game, I just didn’t realize he loved it as his sole reason for living. In some deranged way of thinking, I had thought I was his reason for living. Maybe it was because he had told me so on numerous occasions. Lies, all lies. Now I get it, but it hurt like hell!
I could hear him groveling behind me. I could hear his sobs until I finally got out of range. I actually ran once I knew he could no longer see me. I was devastated. I wanted to crawl in a hole. Actually worse, I wanted to go home. I needed my mom to rub my hair and tell me it was going to be okay. I had lost the love of my life, and my best friend too, I was lost and alone. What would I do? I couldn’t trust Tate, not ever again. And, I couldn’t trust Elle. She was supposed to be my shadow. I should know all of her thoughts and actions. We needed each other. But, instead, she had kept me completely in the dark by sharing all about me with John. I loved seeing him, but it should be MY decision! I shouldn’t need to be ‘set up’ by Elle. She had hidden so much from me. Best friends don’t do that! The crying started, I couldn’t stop the sobs from racking my body. Then I felt my phone vibrate. Pulling it from my pocket, I saw ‘Chloe’ on the screen. My heart squeezed again, this time with relief. I had a friend to talk with…
“Chloe…”
“Reese. Thank God! What in the hell are you doing to yourself? I heard you’re roaming about Wake Forest in the middle of the night. Are you crazy! Get back to your dorm, you fool. Nothing good happens at this hour, even I know that!”
“Chloe,” I breathed. “How did you know?”
“Elle of course. She’s worried sick about you. Why are you hatin’ on her Reese? She’s only looking out for you. She was crying like a dolphin, you know how strange she sounds when she gets worked up.” The thought made my heart break, but it also brought a smile to my face at the analogy. The first smile in a while. “She loves you Reese, you know that…deep down you know that.” She sighed. “You have to forgive her temporary insanity and crazy moment of backstabbing…”
“Exactly, that’s why I’m…
Chloe stopped me “That’s why you’re going to go home to her Reese. I was kidding, there was no backstabbing. She was just looking out for you. Maybe she had a premonition about Tate, or maybe she was just keeping up with ‘Money Bags’ because he was adamant with her. Either way Reese, you have to trust her intentions. Her ultimate reason was you!”
I knew she had to be right, Elle loved me, I knew it, but right now I just couldn’t forgive what she had done.
“I love that you called me Chloe, I wish I could see you. I could really use a hug, and a friend…I miss you,” I sighed.
“I miss you too, but get your ass home. Elle will be more than happy to give you a hug. Besides, you two have to make up before our girls week in sunny California! Please, think about your history together. I know she kept things from you, but talk with her, she has her reasons. Listen Reese…dammit listen!”
“I hear you. I’m not ready yet, but maybe soon. Please tell Maura I said hello, and that I love and miss her,” I said.
“I will. She’s actually on a date with Harrison…again. They have been inseparable since Christmas. The damn girl is smitten. I’m jealous as hell!”
“I’m sure you’re making out okay. How’s Brett?” I asked, concerned for the answer to come.
“Oh girl, he’s good, just so busy with work. I plan to see him soon. I’ll keep you updated. Now, go to your room!”
“Take care Chloe, love you!” I said and hit end. I wasn’t going to my room, but I wasn’t about to keep the torture up with Chloe.
After I hung up, I was sure about my decision to not see Elle right now, but I wasn’t sure where else to go. Then I remembered my friend Kari who’d been my designated driver from the restaurant. She had saved her number in my contacts when she brought me home earlier tonight, in case I needed her. Finding her name, I hit send.
“Hi Kari, I’m SO sorry to call so late, or so early.” Dang, I forgot what time it really was. Well, too late to hang up now. “Listen, I need a place to crash tonight, could I come to your dorm?”
“Uh, sure Reese. I told you anytime. Is everything okay?” She sounded confused and reluctant, probably still half asleep too.
“Uh, yeah sure Kari, I…just…need some space right now, but I’m too tired to be out any later.” I said hoping not to sound too desperate.
“Well, by all means, I’ll make you a pallet on the floor,” said Kari. She was trying not to probe, but I could hear her wheels-a-turning.
I did stay the night with Kari. I really didn’t sleep though. My brain wouldn’t turn off running through the events of the day and evening. My heart wouldn’t quit pining away for what I had lost either. I was in a fix for sure. I didn’t know what the next day would bring other than classes, and I wasn’t sure I could even muster those.
woke up with a crick in my neck and a dagger through my heart. I quickly remembered why I was at Kari’s and on the floor. My phone had gone dead, so I borrowed her charger to plug it in. After a few moments of charging, I had 12 texts and 5 voicemails pop up. Oh brother.
Most were from Elle, apologizing and begging me to come home. Then they became frantic over where I could be. Then there were some from Tate also apologizing and they were in all caps. One from Chloe too, all but cussing me out for not listening to her. And finally, one from John, telling me he couldn’t believe he finally got to see me, and hold me, and tell how he really felt about me. I was drowning from being the brunt of everyone’s emotions. I needed to be alone, but I was also afraid to be alone. Ugh!
Desperately needing to brush my teeth and grab my makeup bag, I decided to go back to my dorm room. I was hoping Elle had already left for her first class, so I would miss her theatrical performance over my absence. I should have known better than to think that logically she would go about her day as normal. Elle was pacing the floor when I arrived, talking to someone on the phone, a shocked look on her face followed by a gasp when I walked through the door.
“Reese. Oh thank God. ‘She’s here, I’ll call you back,’ Reese!” She hung up her phone and headed straight for me. “Where have you been? Are you okay?” She was looking at me with pure fear and relief at the same time.
I simply stared at her with a nonchalant look on my face. Shrugging my shoulders, I said “I’m back, you should be in class.”
“Oh don’t you dare Reese. I’ve been worried out of my mind for what could have happened to you.”
“It sucks not knowing the truth doesn’t it? Worse yet, it hurts when someone deliberately hides things from you, don’t you think Elle?” I was truly hurt and I felt like Elle had taken our sacred friendship and sold it to the highest bidder…in this case, John.
“Reese, please don’t hate me. I was just answering the questions of a man who LOVES my best friend, a man who would give his right arm for her. I was merely keeping him content with information about you, in case your over-possessive boyfriend flipped his wig and went crazy on you. And it paid off too. I can’t apologize for helping take care of you.”
“Uh, you’re the crazy one Elle. I don’t see how that’s ‘taking care’ of me in the least! You basically were interfering with my life behind my back. What happened to us telling each other everything? I trusted you. Our
friendship can never be the same.” Then I burst out in tears. “It can never be the same,” I whispered sitting down on my bed with my face in my hands. I meant everything had changed, Tate and me, and now Elle and me.
Elle sat down beside me throwing her arms around my shoulders “Oh Reese, it will be okay, you’ll see. It’ll all work out. Have faith, okay. I’m sorry if I hurt you. You’re my best friend and I only want to help you…ever. There is never a time in my life that you won’t be my best friend, no matter what you say about it.”
She was saying all the right things, but I was still heartbroken over her betrayal, her disloyal actions to our forever friendship. I wasn’t sure when, or if I could ever get over it.
The days drug on. I was in a total funk, but I managed to go to class every day, and keep up with my homework. I avoided Tate’s calls, and texts. Elle did do me a favor by telling Finn if Tate came to see me, I would never forgive him. So, he kept his distance. However, he did send me flowers and a card…every day. I could also see him from a distance occasionally outside of my classrooms and dorm pretending not to watch me. Mostly though, I knew he was wrapped up in baseball. The thought of that turned my stomach, but I knew it was his future…and my past.
Elle told me each time John texted her. Word for word she read what he asked, then she asked my permission to send a response. He texted me as well, but I only sent one liner answers, like ‘I’m fine John, I hope you are’. That was totally a lie, I was dying day by day, but there was no need to alert John. I knew he would be by my side in an instant. I sort of wished he would, but I knew it was best to keep my space from relationships for a while.
My mom finally got me to admit what was happening between Tate and me. I hated to tell her again that I had broken up with Tate, but I knew it was better than making up stories for how we were doing. I wasn’t sure what she would finally see on Facebook if he really started publically dating Lauren. Oh God, I broke down crying just thinking of how bad that would hurt me…deep to the core. In the end the truth hurt, but it was the truth no less. Our love had not been strong enough.
My sweet friends Maura and Chloe called too, reminding me how soon we would be enjoying our girl’s time during Spring break. Just one more week, and we would be in La Jolla in San Diego, California lying on the beach. I was looking forward to seeing my girls, although deep down, I wasn’t over Elle’s misuse of our trusting friendship. It still hurt, I felt it always would. It’s even worse to think our relationship would forever be changed. Waterworks again, for the second time today. Great, I might as well call my counselor. It had been a while, and I really needed some spiritual guidance. I also was praying harder and longer than usual. I felt like that was helping me gain ground on a desolate place in time.
Elle wasn’t sharing any updates regarding Tate with me. I knew she had plenty from Finn. Just thinking about my gorgeous Tate and Finn together…I felt the squeeze again in my heart. Oh Tate, I never thought you would tire of me so easily. Maybe I was wrong to make you wait for sex with me. No, that couldn’t be true. Better to learn now that he didn’t think I was worth the wait. Damn it hurt!
A day before we were supposed to leave on our trip, Elle came up to me with a newspaper in her hands. “Reese, I need to show you something about Tate, it’s going to really sting, but I need to keep everything in the open with you. I promised I would, and I always will.”
What could it be? I wasn’t sure, but I did actually appreciate Elle’s honesty. “Okay, I’m ready then, what is it?” I wasn’t sure now if I wanted full relinquishment of her knowledge of Tate, but I was thankful she felt a need to keep her promise. Maybe there was hope for us yet as best friends.
“Tate flew out yesterday afternoon for San Diego. He’s being heavily courted by the Padres for a rookie position on the team. This is one of the teams that Lauren’s dad has part-ownership in. So, there’s a story on the front page of the sports section in the San Diego Times about Tate. One of the lead pictures…Oh God Reese, I’m sorry to show you this…”
“Elle, please let me just see that…” Once my eyes focused on the picture... ‘Oh God’ was right. I gasped and my hand flew to my mouth. It couldn’t be. I nearly passed out, sliding down the edge of my bed to the floor. The picture was clear, Lauren had her arms around Tate…kissing him square on the lips. The caption read, ‘Tate Justice and girlfriend land in San Diego. Are they up for the life of the Pros?’
Oh. My. God. This couldn’t be real. I turned the paper in my hand to see if it was in fact a real newspaper. I wasn’t sure what I expected it to be, but this whole thing felt surreal. Tate was my boyfriend, wasn’t he? I had chills all over my body, then I went totally numb. My heart almost squeezed so tight I could barely breathe. In fact, I began to hyperventilate, I was sure I would pass out. I was shaking all over. The paper fell from my trembling fingers.
“Oh Reese, I shouldn’t have shown you. Hey, calm down…please! You have to calm down. Slow Reese. Breathe slowly. Take a breath in and hold it. You have to breathe in, BREATHE damn it!” Elle was hysterical now. She was so worried for me. My eyes locked with Elle’s. I was pleading for her to make it go away…for it to not be true.
Suddenly my body reacted to her demand, and I was breathing again. My vision focused, and I began to cry. To wail actually, that’s what I started doing. I felt sorry for Elle suddenly. She had to witness this heartbreaking change in me.
Hugging me hard she was speaking soft, encouraging words in my ear. I relished the feeling of being comforted at this moment. I was sure this friendship and prayer was what I needed more than anything right now. Prayer that I could make it day by day, until my heart slowly healed. Although right now, I could scarcely see that ever happening.
I’m not sure why, but my first response was to call John. I know, I obviously wasn’t thinking clearly. But, I knew in my gut, that Tate and I were officially over. He had quickly moved on. Actually, I guess he had already moved on to Lauren, I just had yet to accept the truth until now. So I think I selfishly needed to know that John was still wanting my affection, still wanting…me.
“Reese. I can’t believe you called. Are you okay?” John had answered on the first ring, and didn’t even allow me a hello yet.
“Hi John.” I sounded stuffy. I felt sure he would know I had been crying. “Um, I’m okay…”
John quickly interrupted. “No you’re not Reese. I hear it in your voice. Is this about the newspaper? I saw it today. I know you might not believe this, but I am SO sorry Reese. I hate to think you’re hurting right now.”
“Yes,” I was crying now, “I’m sorry, I…it’s just so new for me, this information, I haven’t really had time for it to sink in yet. I guess I know now, that Tate and I are over. I shouldn’t have called you…”
“Of course you should’ve called me Reese. Are you kidding? Please know that I’m glad you called…ecstatic actually.” I heard him cover the receiver and say something. Was he at work? “Can I come see you? Please Reese. I want to be there for you,” pleaded John.
“I would love to see you John, but I’m…leaving tomorrow to fly to La Jolla in California with the girls for Spring break. Maybe when I get back in a week? Would that be okay?” I really did want to see John.
“Ah Reese, you’re not going to believe this, but I actually have my ship docked in a slip in the Gaslamp district in downtown San Diego. It’s just a short driving distance from La Jolla. I was planning to go there the week after next, but if you’d be okay with it, I might just move my plans up a week.” John said with huge enthusiasm.
“Seriously, you could be in California this week? You’re right; I can’t believe the coincidence of you being in the same area as me, all the way across the country?” Wow, it really was a lot to take in. My heart was suddenly fluttering at the prospect of seeing John on a vacation again. Déjà vu for sure. This time though, I didn’t see it ending the same at all. I was sure there would be no rescue from Tate. As bad as I missed him, his touch,
and his protection, I didn’t want to be his leftovers. He had moved on to Lauren. I guess I could move on to John. After all, a small piece of my heart already belonged to him. The other part had just died. It’s a shame we can’t grow new hearts.
“Reese, I think it would be fantastic. Please say you’ll let me wine and dine you this week. I’ll bring along the guys too. I think Maura and Harrison would be more than happy, and of course Brett would die to spend more time with Chloe. Hell, I miss Chloe and her mouth. She’s a lot of fun.” That she was, I couldn’t wait to see both Chloe and Maura tomorrow. My excitement was bubbling now. It felt strange to have a happy emotion again.
“I would love it John. I’m not sure about the yacht though. I’m not quite sure how I would feel about being back on there again. My panic mode might set in given what happened…well, you know.” I was skeptical, to say the least, about going back to where Sam had attacked me. It would be taking a chance even stepping back on that yacht. If so, I would have to find a way to push those memories aside.
“I promise this time will be so different Reese. I will never take my eyes off of you, and more importantly, Sam won’t be there. He’s in rehab again anyhow. Also, there will be no drugs on board either, I would never let something happen to you again Reese. Please say yes.” John was saying all the right things. I felt his assurance as well. He was all but making atonement for the guilt he still felt over me being attacked and nearly raped on his yacht last summer. And, I was going to let him.
“Yes John. I trust you. I know you would protect me at all costs. We’ll have to catch up on Sam though, okay? But otherwise, I can’t wait.” With that we said our goodbyes and made our plans. I suddenly felt giddy, joy spread deep into my heart for the coming days. I quickly filled Elle in. She was a little concerned for me falling back in with John too quickly. I told her she was ‘a few matches short of a book’ since she was the one that had tried to orchestrate our reunion the very night I broke up with Tate anyway. Actually, we weren’t even officially broken up then and she still told John. Ugh. She was hard to figure out. I knew she was trying to do what was right though, keeping me grounded. She also told me how worried she was about Finn’s response to us being with ‘John and his guys’ again. We both agreed it was best Finn didn’t tell Tate. I just hoped he could keep his word, if he even agreed not to tell him.