by J H Cardwell
I reached up and grabbed his face between both of my hands. I had finally gotten back my equilibrium enough to show my appreciation for what he just did. I had NEVER ever had that type of sensation before. I had no idea…now I know what all the fuss is about. “Tate…that was AMAZING. Uhhh.” Closing my eyes I let out the deep breath I must have been holding until now. My whole entire body relaxed. Then I felt for Tate, and Oh My, I found him.
“Reese, don’t. I need to be inside of you. If you hold…just don’t, not right now.” I knew he was saying he wouldn’t last if I didn’t quit touching him. So he hovered over me, staring into my eyes, he settled right between my legs. He was beginning to inch his way in. The pressure and the fullness were nearly more than I could handle at first, but slowly, and passionately, we were making love. My eyes were still closed. “Reese, please look at me. I want to see you while I’m inside of you. I want you to know how much I love you.” I opened my eyes, totally bewitched by my husband. I couldn’t believe I was making love to Tate. Once I adjusted to his body, I was really enjoying it; more than enjoy…it was utterly mind-blowing. I couldn’t think straight, I wanted as much as I could get of him. I felt like I was building again, ready to explode, everything tightened, and…then Tate stopped, he made a loud groaning noise, and nearly collapsed on me. His breathing was highly irregular. He looked up at me with hooded eyes.
“Tate, is everything okay?” I knew what had happened, but I wasn’t sure I should say anything. I knew it was um, quicker than he was hoping for.
He was grinning from ear to ear though. “I’m good Reese. Shit, I’m in Heaven.” He lay down slightly to my side. “I can honestly say I have never felt anything that mind-blowing…ever.” Then a few moments later he said, “But, that wasn’t fair, you were just about to um...I need to take care of you …again. Ready for round two?”
“Are you kidding lover-boy? I could do this all night.” And dang if we didn’t do just that…make love all night like the newlyweds we were.
Around 5:30 am we were laying really still, nearly asleep after round…well I’m not sure how many we had, when I decided to get us both a cold glass of water. Tate said he would get it, but I wanted to take an Advil for a headache coming on…probably from lack of food, sleep, and who knows…
Rummaging through my bag for medicine, I found an envelope. It was addressed to ‘My Baby Girl’. I took it with me downstairs, deciding to look at it in the kitchen while I was getting the water. Opening it, I saw it was from my dad. I wondered when he had time to slip it in my bag. It read:
My sweet baby girl,
I’m assuming you are finding this on your wedding night. So picture me covering my eyes, fingers in my ears, and I’m saying ‘La, La, La, La,”. I still can’t think of you married (If you know what I mean). To me, you are still my little girl, figuring out how to cut your own waffles up, or brushing your baby dolls hair. You have grown up to be so beautiful Reese, so mature, and I couldn’t be more proud of you.
Oh I’m teary-eyed now. I was fanning myself with the envelope. My sweet, sweet Daddy.
Anyway, I won’t make this a long letter. I just wanted to remind you that everything good comes from God, and while you have had your sadness and hard times Reese, you have had your share of blessed moments as well. We all have. I know one day you and Tate will be a different kind of blessed when you decide to give us grandchildren,
I quickly looked up from the letter. “Holy Crap!”. I said out loud. I couldn’t finish reading. Oh God, I thought. No. No. No. My birth control that I had gotten just six weeks ago and started is now sitting in my bedroom…at home. I missed my pill last night, and there is no way I will have time to get that pack or a new pack before we leave out this morning for our honeymoon. My stomach felt like it plummeted to the floor. This was all new to me. I hadn’t had to worry about getting…I couldn’t even say it. I couldn’t even think I could possibly be... But ugh, we had more chances of making that happen last night than most couples probably have in two months. I had to talk with Tate, suddenly my heart was racing. Looking down at the letter I decided to finish it. There wasn’t much left of it:
But I do think you are smart to wait. Enjoy being married and discovering things with the two of you first. You’ll have plenty of time to be parents. Right now, just enjoy being husband and wife. I love you eternally.
Dad
Oh Daddy, what have I done? I was trying to breathe, but my lungs weren’t cooperating. Maybe it wasn’t the right time of my month. I had already learned all about cycles, and fertilization from my anatomy class. There were only a few days a month I could even possibly get pregnant. I was praying last night and this morning weren’t one of those times.
Walking up to the bedroom, I was folding the letter slowly when I stepped in the bedroom. Tate sat up quickly in bed.
“Baby what’s wrong, you look so pale?” Tate jumped off the bed and came to me. “What is that?” He asked touching the letter in my hands.
“It’s a letter from my d…dad.” I was stuttering. I could hardly speak clearly.
“Your dad, is everything okay?” Tate was confused. “How did you get a letter from him?”
I spoke slowly and low, “I found it in my bag when I was looking for Advil.” I looked into his eyes, his trusting eyes. He hadn’t even asked me if I had taken my birth control. He knew I was on it. That was good enough for him. Now what would he think? Oh God, would he ever trust me again. I am such a fool! “I had a headache, and needed to take something.” Now I was just prolonging the inevitable. I needed to tell him.
He hugged me. “I’m sorry sweetheart, but about the letter, is everything okay with your dad?”
I wasn’t showing any emotion. Basically I felt like a zombie. “He was just telling me he loved me and telling us…to enjoy each other…and one day we would have children…and…”
Tate cut me off chuckling, “Oh I know, that freaked you out huh. Of course one day we will. I’m sure they would love one now, but I’m too selfish to want any now.” He started kissing my neck again. “I want you …too much… to share you…for a long while.” He said between kisses.
I started softly crying. Tate leaned his head back searching my face.
“Reese, was there something else…something else wrong?” He had slid his hands down and was grasping the sides of my arms, willing me to tell him.
“Tate…I’m on birth control…and…” I wasn’t speaking clearly.
“I know you are. That’s why I didn’t wear, um, protection last night, or this morning,” he said with a sly grin.
“Yes, but…I didn’t take it last night, I forgot…” Tate looked too casual to be upset, but I could sense he was slightly nervous.
“Well, that’s okay isn’t it? Just take it now.” He said so calmly.
“I don’t have them, I…I left them at home.” Looking at him this time I wouldn’t let him interrupt. Walking over to the window, I kept talking. “We won’t have time to get them, unless we miss our flight. I could take two this morning, I think, and we would be okay, but we would miss our flight (a flight that we had to catch in less than three hours, and home was four hours away.) “It’s Sunday morning, so there are no pharmacies open down here, and no way to get a new pack.” I looked at him again. “I say we bump our flight to later, and run home to get them. Maybe we can even fly out from our airport instead of here.”
I could tell Tate was struggling with this new dilemma. He was running his hand through his hair, and pacing back and forth. “Reese, um,” He let out a long breath. “I don’t think that would work. I…we have to catch a connecting flight.” He stopped real quick and stared at me. “This was my surprise to you. We aren’t going to Key West like you thought,” He started walking toward me. “We’re going to Hawaii. That way we can be on that side of the country for when we fly home to California.”
“Oh Tate.” I was crying again. “I’m sorry I screwed up. I…” I was grinning a little now, I’m not s
ure how, “Hawaii, really? You know I’ve always wanted to go there. Oh I’m so sorry.” He was hugging me instantly.
“Shhh, Reese, we’ll figure this out.” He was rubbing my back. I told him all about my theory that maybe we were lucky and it couldn’t possibly have been my time to ovulate right now. We both agreed that he would use condoms while on our trip and we could start the birth control over when we got back to San Diego.
I was still a bit uneasy, but I agreed. I wanted to make sure all of his plans for our honeymoon weren’t screwed up because of my stupid mistake.
“I’m sorry again Tate. I…I think it will be okay. Don’t you?” I said it with a huge question mark looming between us. I needed it to be okay, but more importantly, I needed Tate to feel like it was okay.
“Hey,” he said kissing me again. “It will be Reese. Everything will be okay.” He kissed me desperately which eventually led to making love, this time with protection. Tate let me know how different the two ways were, one with a condom and one without, but he surely agreed the one with was a thousand times better than not making love at all. I was in Heaven on earth either way.
e were back from our honeymoon in a flash, unfortunately. But, a week in Hawaii was utterly amazing, and not just the scenery, or the wonderful food. We enjoyed every second of each other. Life couldn’t have been better. Of course, reality struck, and Tate had to get back to baseball, and I had to get back to learn my way around a new school.
Our first night in our new home was surreal. I still couldn’t believe I had a waterfront home on a California beach. What had I done to deserve this? Even though we got home at 11 PM that night from our honeymoon, I was insistent on walking on the beach. I couldn’t believe the moon’s reflection on the water. Tate said I was like a kid, eager to see and experience the gift of our new life all at once. He was laughing at me, but I didn’t care. This was us...and I couldn’t be happier.
The University of San Diego was all I expected it to be. While I missed Wake Forest and the quaintness and beauty of my first college, I loved the scenery and the tropical feel of USD. I hit it off right away with my career and college advisor. I had already set everything up, but she was most helpful and eager in helping me navigate around my new school.
Elle and Finn came out the following week, just as planned. We had the best time exploring the city, and checking out the living here in California. By that Friday, we had reason to celebrate! Finn was being signed on with the Padres, and Elle was moving out here with him. I couldn’t believe it! I really couldn’t imagine living so close to my best friend again. I was crazy with excitement.
Six weeks flew by. I was on a routine with school (I loved USD). Elle and Finn had picked out a house, just five houses down from ours. Oh my God how I was loving my life!
Tate and I were SO happy together. We were figuring out a routine with school and baseball. It wasn’t always possible for us to see each other every single day or night, but we blew up the texting and the phone calls when we were apart. We were truly newlyweds in that early stage of love and marriage bliss. We made sure to date at least once or twice a week. I loved the nights I would cook at home too. My mom had made me a box of family recipes (easy ones since I still wasn’t a stellar cook). I would sauté and grille, all while listening to music and having a glass of sauvignon blanc. Tate didn’t mind cutting up vegetables either and he loved to grill while having a beer and having me brag over his, um, cooking abilities. He assumed he was the grill master. I always praised his talents immensely, although I felt I had a better feel of not overcooking or undercooking the steaks, pork chops, or whatever we had. That was my little secret though. He was however, the sexiest, most handsome cook I had ever laid eyes on!
No matter how much fun I was having with my new husband, I couldn’t shake that something was off. I shuttered to think it might have something to do with the fact that I hadn’t started my period since well before our wedding. I was trying to psyche myself up for the fact that I had been late before, with entirely no reason to be. Plus I had had some very stressful circumstances in the past several weeks. If it weren’t for the fact that I felt queasy and my stomach felt empty, not to mention the fact that I just wanted to sleep, …all the time, and overfill my plate with larger portions, I wouldn’t have been concerned. But that wasn’t the case, and the truth was, I was terrified! I couldn’t wrap my head around it, I just had this feeling. Not just that I might be pregnant, but that mine and Tate’s world was getting ready to change…drastically.
I had contacted an OB/GYN in San Diego. I needed one here after all. I was able to get the birth control pills called into a local Walgreen’s right after our honeymoon, but it was time for my annual as well, and I needed a doctor anyhow. Luckily, they had had a cancellation, and offered me an appointment for this week. I decided to take a home pregnancy test as well. I had a repeat mantra in my head, ‘I’m not pregnant…I’m not pregnant’ and was beginning to convince myself of that, but I didn’t want any surprises at their office.
So, the day I was supposed to go in, I took a test. The instructions said the first morning’s pee was the most accurate and full of ‘pregnancy hormones’ and easier to pick up on if they were in fact there. After Tate left for practice, I did it. For the first time in my life I peed on a stick. I flossed, brushed my teeth, and quickly showered before I looked at the results. My restraint was superhuman really. I never have that much control and willpower. I think I was trying to make the results be negative, like it was no big deal.
There is no way anyone can prepare themselves for two solid blue lines. No way at all. I nearly fainted. I told myself it couldn’t be true. I would let the doctor determine the validity by doing their own tests. But, the truth was I was in full denial of what I felt was incomprehensible.
My doctor was beautifully Jamaican, and incredibly outspoken. Her accent was very thick, and she spoke almost too fast to be understood, at least for southern girls like me. However, there was no mistaking the impact of her next words, “You are with child dear…congratulations!” She said it with enthusiasm, and I burst out crying. I knew I shouldn’t have, but I was SO dang emotional. Then she said, “oh, you’ll be okay dear. Shake it off and run home to tell your famous husband.” I looked at her, first with contempt, then with pure shock.
“You know of my husband?” I was still crying…taking short quick breaths, but actually forgetting her pregnancy news, if only momentarily.
“Of course dear,” she said nonchalantly. “Everyone here knows of your gorgeous husband. He will be happy…no?” She was surely mistaken. He told me on our wedding night how much he wanted just ‘us’ for a while.
I let out a weird, low laugh. “He wants kids one day, but now? I’m not sure now would be his preference.” What was I saying? I was sure now wouldn’t be. If I had had my choice, I would wait at least four or five years. I wanted time with just Tate so badly too…just us. But, I had screwed that up. Yep, he would resent me…long term, he would resent me. Our marriage was pretty unconventional as it was. I was so young to be married, and we were living like a prince and princess from the very beginning. We would have been able to travel and overindulge on each other, but not now. Now, we would have one major responsibility…being parents.
Oh God, what had I done? I was an idiot. I had jeopardized my future with my forgetfulness. That’s what he would think anyway. I had forgotten to pack my birth control for our wedding night and our honeymoon. I never even thought about it, not once. Again, I was an idiot. Tate would be furious.
It was time to face him. I was just over eight weeks by now. We had dinner plans with a group of couples from his team, including Elle and Finn. I should be ecstatic. After all, my best friend, and Tate’s best friend were here now with us in California. We had so much to celebrate.
As we were getting ready, Tate came up behind me and grabbed me around the waist, laying sweet kisses on my neck. The smell of Tate and the feel of his soft lips nearly had me pant
ing for more. As always his presence affected me intensely, but lately, I just wanted to tear his clothes off.
“Reese, you look so sexy, so beautiful. You know I’m the luckiest husband around.” Pushing my hair to the side, he started lightly kissing my neck and running his fingers temptingly up and down my arm. “Hmmm, I can’t wait to get back home…unless you want to be late, we can arrange that too.” Tate was making pretend humping moves up against me. He was rubbing my hips, and planting soft, sweet kisses across my shoulders and jawline.
“Mmmm, we’ll have to wait Tate.” I said struggling to keep my composure. I knew I had been distant over the last few days, mostly trying to avoid Tate, I hated holding this secret from him. While my sex drive was in well…overdrive, my brain was acting completely dumb. I was afraid Tate could tell just by looking at my naked body that I was carrying his baby. Oh God. I closed my eyes and shook from that thought alone. “We’re nearly late as it is. But God I love what you’re doing to me. We better get going.” I said putting in my left earring. I had to stop this now. I was afraid I would break, and I just wasn’t ready to face the music quite yet. When would I tell him was the question?
“Okay, but tonight…I can’t wait until later tonight.” He said literally licking from my chin to the top of my lip. My shaking body was begging for the answer…when was I going to get the nerve to tell him?
The dinner was fun, but worrisome. They were serving my new favorite drink, dirty martinis. I had discovered how much I liked them at my bachelorette party. Elle was beaming and pointing to her glass suggesting I drink up. Now what? Crap! I smiled, picking up my glass, and taking a tiny sip. This was all new to me, but I knew drinking hard liquor was out of the question being pregnant. Double Crap! How was I going to get out of this? I knew if I wasn’t careful that Elle would pick up on what was going on with me. I also hadn’t touched the ahi tuna for an appetizer. That was my favorite, but I had read raw fish was out during pregnancy. The nervousness was creeping back in again. Sitting my drink back down I accidently knocked my full glass of water over spilling it all over the table. Really? How clumsy can I be!