by J H Cardwell
We decided to go home the last week of November so we could see our extended families and friends once more before the baby came. We wouldn’t get to come home for Christmas, and my friends and family wanted to throw us a baby shower. Elle and Finn were flying home with us. She said there was no way they were going to be gone when the baby came. She figured I would be at least a week late which would put me delivering right after Christmas.
It felt so good to see Maura and Chloe again!!! They helped Elle, my mom, and Tate’s mom give me a baby shower. The guys had gone golfing; I guess baby showers were just a girl thing. Oh! I forgot the best part! We’re having a BOY! The second ultrasound gave us confirmation they saw a hot dog and not a hamburger. I still don’t see how they know for sure. The parts looked all the same to me. But, we were having a BOY! In fact, it was the coolest picture. Even in the womb, our little guy was laid back, arms behind his head, and stretched out like he was in a recliner. No wonder I feel like I’m going to split wide open. So needless to say, my party was full of light blue, dark blue, orange, and green colors…All boy!! It also had baseball paraphernalia galore. My gifts were mostly cute clothes, hats, and gift cards. We already had the nursery completed, and we didn’t want to carry the big stuff back with us on the plane.
Once everyone had gone, we were cleaning up, organizing the gifts, and chatting it up. Maura pulled me to the side where no one else could hear.
“Reese, don’t be mad, but John asked me to tell you he wishes you and this baby the best.” My heart sunk at the mention of his name. It had been nearly nine months since the last time I had laid eyes on him…at my wedding no doubt. I’m sure Maura could see me tense up. In fact my hand flew to my stomach at the thought of his reaction to hearing about the baby. I was having another Braxton Hicks contraction. I had been having those more frequently, and I had learned with them, I needed to calm down and drink more water.
“How, how long has he known?” I couldn’t talk about him with Tate. So, in some ways it felt good to grant him access to my thoughts again.
“Oh Reese, he overheard Harrison and me a couple of months ago talking about how awesome you were to be handling everything. He drilled me with a million questions.” She looked down to the floor after she had gently placed her hand on my back. She knew how hard it was for me to hear about him hurting.
“Maura, how is he? I mean how is he really? Please, tell me he’s dating. I need to know he’s moved on and that he’s happy.” My eyes were searching hers frantically.
“Well,” She let out a long sigh. “He’s not Reese, not happy at all. In fact, he’s bad, really bad. He’s lost a lot of weight, and…he, he travels constantly. Harrison says he doesn’t want to stay in one place for long. I think he’s fighting depression, but Harrison says he’s just lost knowing you’re gone for good. He still swears y’all were meant to be soul mates. But, he gets it. He knows he messed up. He knows you have every right to regret the time you had with him. But Reese, I do wish you would let him know you forgive him.” She was trying not to get misty eyed. Oh God, I was trying not to lose it. I felt an urgent need to talk with him. I was pulling out my phone to text him when Chloe and Elle walked up.
“You got some good loot sista!” said Chloe, rather loudly and happily until she saw my face. I know I had to look like my puppy had just died. In fact, I was feeling worse and worse by the minute. My stomach was tightening again, this time with a little pain shooting up my back. “Reese, what’s wrong? Why do you look like someone just ran over your dog? Oh God, are you in pain?” Cool and controlled Chloe was freaking out, pushing me towards a nearby chair and moving others out of the way. My mother saw the commotion and came running over.
“Chloe, I’m okay, I’m just, I’m just…” then the tears started flowing. I was shaking. My stomach was tightening up again, and so quickly after the last time too.
Mom leaned down to me, “Oh honey, it’s okay. Why are you crying?” I leaned over to hug her, and felt a pop. What in the? Then I felt it, warm liquid oozing down my leg. Elle noticed it first. With her hand over her mouth she was pointing to my legs, eyes wide open. Then everyone gasped.
“Reese!” Hollered Chloe, “Dang girl, your water just broke.” I thought no shit Sherlock. I think she was in shock. Normally she doesn’t state the obvious like that. Time seemed to stand still. This wasn’t supposed to happen here, not in NC. I was supposed to have this baby in San Diego where my cool sounding Jamaican doctor was. Then it hit me.
“Tate! Someone call Tate!” I was instantly morphed into the demanding diva I’ve always heard about during labor. “Get Tate…Oh God, I can’t have this baby without him.” I was holding on to Elle’s shirt. I wasn’t really hurting yet, but I was so incredibly nervous. I was getting up to walk over to my phone and the room started to spin. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I hadn’t heard or read of this being a side effect of labor before. But I could feel myself swaying and then my eyelids closed and down I…
yler Tate Justice was born on November 26th, 2012 weighing 6 lbs. 5 oz. and 20 inches long. They say he was a giant for being nearly a month early, and my first baby. His birth occurred under a lot of panic, but luckily no pain. If there is one thing I can say about the events of that day, it’s that I wasn’t screaming, or crying, or punching Tate with my words or my fists, I was out…out cold. By the time the paramedics had arrived, I was passed out on the floor, after being caught literally by my mom who had screamed until they loaded me in the ambulance. Luckily, Maura remembered from watching The Learning Channel and ‘A Baby Story’ that it might help to turn me on my side to keep the baby’s heartbeat strong. That, it turns out, was what kept baby Ty alive.
Evidently, when my water broke, the baby dropped, causing pressure on my lower main arteries, which in turn caused me to pass out, so the baby wasn’t getting an adequate blood supply and was in ‘distress’. Thank God I wasn’t aware enough to have any idea what was going on. My regular Obstetrician/gynecologist from here was on duty and was able to deliver my baby. Another thank God moment!
I woke up to Tate holding my…our baby with tears in his eyes. He had one hand on mine, and the other cuddling our son. Our Son! You didn’t have to tell me that their guess of a boy was right, I could tell by the look on my baby’s face. He was Tate in tiny form. Of course Tate would later argue I could tell because of the blue blanket and blue hat lying beside his head. After regaining a clear mental status, I slowly realized where I was and what had happened. That’s when I met him for the first time…Tyler or Ty for short. He had tan skin (I later learned it was because he was jaundice because of being a little premature), dark hair, and the most beautiful lips. Peacefully sleeping in his dad’s arm, I was in awe.
I gasped, weakly throwing my hand over my mouth.
It was all over. My pregnancy, the worries, everything. Tate sobbed out loud when I woke up, startling Ty, I was quickly filled in on all that had happened. The emergency C-section was evidently done in lightening record. Luckily Ty’s apgar scores (the score they use to check the cognitive and physical status of a newborn) were 8 and 9. Thank God Almighty our son was healthy. After just a few minutes of being awake, my parents rushed in. My mom was by my side, crying hysterically. Shortly after, my friends, and Tate’s parents filed in. Everyone was relieved, and while I was glad to see their reassuring faces, I wanted to be alone with Tate and my baby.
Which brings us to the here and now. Tate nicely, but forcefully ushered everyone out. He knew I had to see if I could nurse Ty. And he was protectively making sure I was getting rest and eating. Putting Ty in the bassinet, he helped me get comfortable, and pull my hospital gown open. They have handy slits in the gown to basically pull your breast through for easy access. Tate handed me my sweet boy, who seemed to be rooting around for something to eat. After I whipped my larger than normal breast out, Tate gasped.
“Oh hell…now I can already tell this is going to be hot!” Tate was grinning his lazy grin, and staring right
at my chest.
“Tate! Ooh gross.” I said with a smirk and a slap to his shoulder.
“I’m sorry Reese. Nothing that has to do with those fine breasts of mine could ever be gross.” He leaned down giving a quick lick, my eyes getting big, before I worked Ty onto a sore nipple. After he fussed a little, trying to get a good grip, he figured it out pretty fast. Just like his daddy…he was relentless and determined. Then he was so snuggly and content, he kept falling asleep. I had to jostle him just to get him to keep sucking. This was my baby. My beautiful, sweet, innocent baby. I couldn’t help but stare at him. Tate, like a schoolboy, was just staring, but staring at ME! Finally he looked up with an ‘I’m caught’ glance and chuckled. We stared at each other for a long moment. I loved him so much. Then like a bleeding cut, realization oozed back in. The reason I had tensed up and went into labor was because I was thinking about John. I decided I needed to be open with Tate. But before I could get a chance he was beside of me stroking my face.
“Reese, I can’t tell you how scared I was today. When I got the call, I was on the golf course, getting ready to swing and a pale Finn walked over to me. Taking my club out of my hands he wouldn’t tell me what had happened until I sat my ass back on the cart…which he nearly pushed me into. When he started talking, I almost blacked out. All they had told Finn was that your water had broken, you were unresponsive, and they were rushing you to the hospital. My life flashed before my eyes. The unknown of what was happening to you and our baby, and not being right with you absolutely broke my heart. I felt like I was having an out of body experience.” Tate had tears in his eyes. His face and neck were red from the afterthoughts he was still reliving. “Then they rushed me into a surgical mask and gown and made me wait in the hallway, pacing. People were rushing around like their…I mean your life depended on it. Turns out, it did. You coded, stopped breathing, in the operating room. Luckily, they were able to get Ty out of you quickly by C-Section, and that relieved enough pressure for your blood pressure to come around.”
Now I was crying, hard. I couldn’t imagine what all that must have felt like to Tate…and oh God, to my parents and friends. I looked down at the face of our peaceful, healthy, and now asleep again infant and the realization set in. I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. I’d only held him now for a short while, but I was attached for eternity by an invisible string. I could feel it tighten just now at the thought that it could have been snapped so quickly. It was a reminder at how fragile that string really is, and how quick it could be severed. Looking up at Tate, I knew our attachment was bound and then reinforced with steel. I’d known since our early days of dating, and I knew it now. So it was all the more reason for me to be honest…right?
I grabbed Tate’s hand, suddenly nervous for what I was about to say. “Tate, I was thinking of John…of how much he’s hurting…that’s why I stressed out and my contractions started.” I had to get the rest out, but I sensed the cool air that had just seeped into the room. Before he could speak, I trudged on. “Maura had mentioned how down John had been since he found out about my pregnancy. She said he had gone into a state of depression…he’d lost weight, and was traveling constantly to stay busy. I was feeling horrible for what I had done to him…”
“Damn it Reese!” Tate jumped up, startling Ty (well at least he started eating again). Unfortunately, I jumped too. Tate whipped back around, running his hands through his hair. You mean that bastard is responsible yet again for the near tragedy of me losing you and…and…our baby?”
It’s not like that Tate. I just feel a need to talk with him…hear him out. I know he…”
“You know he what Reese? He lied, manipulated, played God with our lives. You know he also relished in my pain, in YOUR pain. You know that, right Reese? Because it doesn’t seem that way from where I stand. I want you to forget about him Reese…I NEED for you to forget about him.” Tate was begging me with his eyes and with his words. “Why, with everything good in our life would you be concerned over him? Tell me Reese.” Then there was a knock at the door. Tate’s eyes locked with mine and he summoned, sourly, for whomever it was to come in. My eyes bulged when in walked Lauren’s parents. I should have known they would have come by to congratulate Tate. After all, Tate was still playing for her dad’s team.
“Hey, there’s the happy couple and parents of my future ball player.” Lauren’s dad said with a triumphant voice. “Congratulations! Lauren said you were due at the end of next month, but it looks like little guy here decided to make an early entrance.” Okay, now my head was spinning. How did Lauren know about my due date? Tate avoided my eyes, still portraying a fake, interested grin at Mr. Baker. After a quick glance at my son, and small talk, the Baker’s left. Once again, Tate and I were alone with Ty and the elephant in the room. The few moments of silence were interrupted with a knock at the door. It was a flower delivery. The young man walked in with not one but two beautiful arrangements of flowers. That brightened the moment temporarily, until I started reading the cards. The first one was from my old colleagues at the pregnancy clinic. They had sweet words of congratulations. The second one took my breath. It was from Lisa Davis. Lisa Davis! I dropped the card to my lap and looked up to Tate. He was eyeing me curiously.
“Let me guess Reese. Those are from John? I should have known! This will never end will it?” I just stared at him like he had three heads, so he quickly walked over and grabbed the card from me. I watched with baited breath to see Tate’s response. I got exactly what I expected. Tate turned pale and closed his eyes, sucking in a quick gasp.
“Those aren’t quite from John are they Tate?” I couldn’t help it, as pissed as I was, I was enjoying the turn of events.
“It’s not what you think Reese. You know there is no way…”
“No? You haven’t seen her since we’ve been home this week? You haven’t talked with her at all?” I knew there couldn’t be much to it with Lisa and Tate. I knew he was head over heels in love with me. But, honesty is honesty, and he hadn’t divulged anything about Lisa or Lauren to me. Baby Ty had fallen asleep again. I wasn’t about to arouse him now…now that neither of us was sure what was happening.
Tate let out a long sigh. Sitting down at the end of the bed, he covered his face with his hands. “Okay. I know this looks bad. Lauren was at one of the away games, with another guy no doubt, and she overheard the guys talking about me having a little ‘mini me’ coming soon. I didn’t speak to her Reese, I swear.” He lifted his eyes to mine. Then he shot up and started pacing. And Lisa was actually at the clubhouse today while we were going through to pay for golf. She knows better than to say much to me, but she and my parent’s neighbors were talking. They congratulated me, and she of course did too. They must have filled her in on everything. She tried to catch me by myself, but I didn’t give her a chance.” Turning to face me, he walked slowly to my bed. Glancing from me to Ty and back to me, he said, “This is stupid Reese. I’m sorry I got so worked up. I just hate the thought of you being so upset over…over him. There’s no way you could forget the heartache he caused.” Then sitting on the end of my bed and cradling the sleeping Ty, he grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes. “Reese, I know you are a caring, loving person. Ty and I are so blessed to have you…I…I just don’t want anyone else, especially John, to get your sympathy and thoughts. He doesn’t deserve them.”
I squeezed his hand, “I’m sorry Tate. I didn’t mean to get so emotional over thinking of John. I just, didn’t know he would be still so hurt over me. But you’re right, I haven’t forgotten what he did and I haven’t forgiven him either (not yet anyway). He was just determined to get what he wanted and…well, let’s not rehash that.” I was looking at Ty now. He needed me. Tate needed me. This was my future, these were my boys. I loved them more than I ever thought humanly possible. I never imagined my life like this. I never imagined I would be married and a mother at twenty-one, but here I was…doing just that. God was good…good indeed.
l
eep! That’s all I ask for. Not a new car (which Tate bought me anyway – I mean I love my jeep and it’s still in the garage, but he bought me a mommy car…a Range Rover for safety he says), not fancy clothes or shoes, or anything else cosmetic, I wanted sleep. Ty was the sweetest, most beautiful baby in the entire world, I promise he is! But, he is needy for his mama. He was seven months now, and already crawling!! He was determined just like his daddy. Time with an infant flew by. It was already June. Of course my parents came out to stay with us for a couple of weeks in the very beginning. Getting my newborn home on a plane in the dead of winter was scary. Tate freaked over everything. He was scared germs would be in the stale air on the plane, jumping right into Ty’s little body and weak immune system. He made him a tented blanket to cover him the entire flight. My baby daddy. He is so sweet and attentive to my baby’s needs, and to me. I am SO lucky. My mom, ‘Izzy’ as she is called now, (not Grandma or Grandmother) short for Elizabeth, came to stay for a couple of weeks in the beginning with my dad. And of course they’ve been out to our home a few times since then. They love their grandbaby.
Ty became a great eater, really from the day he came home from the hospital. Like his daddy, he was joined at the boob. We still laugh about it. Ty would sleep and hang out there most of the day if I let him. It was hard to have visitors for a while, because my breasts always seemed to be hanging out.
I finished my second semester, and was on a break for the summer. I was able to take most of my classes on-line, which was a huge help. We (Ty, Elle, and me) had traveled to Tate and Finn’s away games as much as possible, but having Elle in California with me, helped me feel better about staying home more without Tate. She and Finn were planning a big wedding around Christmas, and I couldn’t wait. Besides, traveling with a baby was like moving an entire house worth of stuff….pack-n-play, diapers, wipes, 10 changes of clothing (Ty was a spitter), bottles for when I pumped, my pump, and the list goes on. So when his games were at home, I always took Ty with me. I know he was young, but he seemed to become a focused, different baby when he was watching the stadium with wide eyes. Tate swears it’s because the sport is already in his blood. I don’t know, he’s built a little like a linebacker if you ask me. Only time will tell. But I’m addicted to his tiny, chubby hands right now, and his future in sports seems a light-year away.