“I didn't know you had problems that needed to be understood.” Tessa smiled as she said that. For a seven-year-old, Nathan sure liked to think he was a lot bigger than he was.
“It's a guy thing.” He shrugged and Tessa could hear his smile, but then all seriousness seemed to enter the room. “Maybe you could marry him. I could have a dad and a baby brother. He has a dad. We might be different than everyone. Just because we don’t have dads doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t. Just you and me. I think that’s sad. Well, JJ has a dad, but his dad is dead. Like your mom.”
JJ's parents were dead. Nathan was right, not everybody had to go through life without a dad. Tessa wanted to tell him. It wasn’t fair that he didn’t know.
She blinked back frustrated tears and kept her voice light. “Whoa, that was a fast jump. I didn't realize you wanted a baby brother.” It would be hard for her to have a kid without a husband. Especially in Bride, Texas. Getting pregnant again and still not married would be even more scandalous.
The idea had appeal, if only to irritate the good townspeople. Okay, now she was just being surly.
Nathan rolled toward her, wrapping an arm across her collarbones and pressing his forehead to her ear. “I'm getting big. I need a smaller person to pass on my smarts to.”
Laughing, Tessa nodded. “Yes, you are. Okay, smarty. Let's head back to the store. I've got to get some things for your room.” The tips of the bar were making up for her lack of funds. She'd forgotten what it was like to work in a small town. Since Jillian had turned the bar into a grill, there are more opportunities to make money and more customers.
Rolling from the bed, Nathan bent down and slipped on his shoes. Tessa followed suit. In minutes, they were on their way to the small store on the corner.
Inside, Nathan’s excitement got the better of him. “Mom, let's go to the big aisle of cereal boxes. I want to pick some out.” Nathan darted off, headed straight toward the cereal.
Tessa was sick of cereal. If Nathan had his way, that's all every meal would be. There had to be more to life than Cap’n Crunch and Reese’s Puffs. And the milk. Oh, wow, the milk.
Pushing a cart in front of her, she followed Nathan in the direction he’d disappeared. Drawing up short at the sight of JJ standing in the middle of the aisle and Nathan talking to him, Tessa hoped she hadn’t forgotten something in the way she looked. Another part of her hoped Nathan wasn’t asking JJ to get her pregnant because Nathan wanted to be a big brother.
That possibility was enough of a push to get her into the aisle. She’d have to explain anything that Nathan said but she couldn’t, if she didn’t hear the conversation.
Tessa approached slowly, tucking her thumbs into the back pockets of her jeans. She smiled when she got closer and tried not to show that she studied the way JJ looked. He didn't need to know how attractive she still found him.
JJ cast a glance at Tessa from the side, but stayed focused on Nathan. “How does dinner sound tonight, Nathan?”
Tessa arched her eyebrow. JJ should probably ask her if it was alright. Since Nathan was her son and in her custody. She ignored the fact that Nathan was JJ’s son, too. No reason to drag semantics into it.
Nathan looked at Tessa and then furrowed his brow before looking back at JJ. “Only if Mom can come. I'm the man of the house and I can't leave her alone.” His very serious tone made it easy for Tessa to hide her embarrassment. Nathan took his job very seriously as man of the house and Tessa appreciated that.
JJ helped maintain the seriousness of the conversation and didn’t talk down to Nathan. He nodded very carefully. “Okay, if your mom would like to come, that would be fine.”
Tessa motioned over her shoulder. “I need to work the bar tonight.” She wasn't gracious and she didn't care. She couldn't be stuck alone with JJ. What would they talk about? Celeste? No, thank you.
JJ met her gaze, placing his hands on his hips. “Actually, after your mom passed and the bartender quit, I hired another one. He’s been out of town or he could’ve run the bar while we dealt with the funeral and things. He called earlier and said he could be in today. You can go in to work the bar, but you'll be competing with Marcelo for tips. Trust me, that man is voracious. I’ve seen him on shift a couple times...” JJ lifted his hands. “But it’s up to you.”
Nathan reached up and claimed JJ’s hand. “That means we can come. Guess what, I'm going to get a dad. I just need to find one. Maybe we should make up an abdication. It might be a good thing to make a couple copies. We could take them to the light poles around the streets. I saw someone do that with a missing cat once.”
Abdication? Did he mean application?
Tessa's cheeks burned with heat. She hoped JJ wouldn’t look directly at her. But she knew it was too late when the warm brown of his gaze took her in. She cleared her throat. “Nathan, do you mean application?” Why did he think he needed to take applications for a husband for her?
Nathan nodded, his eyebrows drew together. “Isn't that what I said?” He glanced innocently from Tessa to JJ.
Tessa rolled her eyes and folded her arms. She was not comfortable and she didn't think it was funny that they were still talking about it. If she put up too much of an argument, it would put more attention on the goal behind his task. He didn’t have a dad but his father was right in front of him. What would it take to push JJ into spilling the secret?
Telling Nathan was on her list of things to get done. Until she knew what kind of a role JJ wanted to take, she wasn’t sure how much to tell Nathan. How awful would it be to tell Nathan that JJ was his dad but he didn’t want to get to know him?
And she was fully aware that her argument didn’t hold any water. JJ was actively seeking out Nathan to get to know him more. He wanted to be in the boy’s life. Tessa was the one holding things back.
Nathan broke through her thoughts with more talk about the job opening. “Hey, you can put in your application to be my dad. I mean, if you want to. I don't know how many guys will want the job. My mom gets cranky really easy.” He glanced nervously up at Tessa and then back at JJ. “But don’t let that scare you off. She’s a good cook!”
Tessa's jaw dropped open. She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. “Okay, that's enough. I don't need applications for dates, or for you to get a father. For the record, I'm not cranky. I’m just tired.” She dropped her hand and looked around the aisle in an attempt to find an escape, but Honey Nut Cheerios wasn’t going to bail her out any time soon.
Nathan and JJ looked at each other, their expressions seeming to speak to each other. As if JJ said to Nathan with the quirk of his eyebrow, “I see what you mean about the crankiness.” And Nathan came back with “See what I mean!?” with the twist to his lips and the widening to his own eyes.
The trio fell into an awkward silence. Tessa swore she wasn’t cranky, but someone was about to get yelled at in the next two seconds. She did not need a job posting for a husband.
JJ spoke, and the sudden huskiness of his voice curled in her stomach like a warm drink. “Sure, I would love to put in my application.”
Tessa jerked her gaze toward him. Something passed between them and she hoped he realized what he was saying. He couldn’t make promises to the boy as if all Nathan wanted was to play office and fill out paperwork. JJ made promises to a boy who desperately wanted a father.
More frustrating was that Tessa stood there and he made eyes at her as if he didn't have a girlfriend waiting for him at home. How could he stand there, as if he was in a position to make those types of promises? He wasn’t. And knowing that he wasn’t while he put on some kind of act like he could disappointed Tessa.
A single mom didn’t need games or need to deal with the stress of having her long lost love back in her life. One way or the other, Tessa had to figure out how to make things work. She had to survive and she couldn’t with JJ looking at her like he was.
What if she had to leave Bride? Sell him the business? Panic crept along the nerves of her arms an
d legs. If she stayed there, she’d lose her heart to JJ all over again.
Chapter 18
JJ
JJ’s invitation to Nathan and then to Tessa had left him confused and more than a little nervous. She’d never said yes and the application for dad bit had been encouraging and then like a drop kick for trying.
Regardless, JJ followed Tessa and Nathan back to their apartment. He kept fairly close to them and spoke to Nathan at random intervals, but he still felt like a creepy stalker guy.
She had to be aware of what had passed between them at the store. The tingles and excitement were impossible to only be one-sided. Her embarrassment over the husband-position thing was palpable but he’d let it die a natural death. He hadn’t been joking when he said he would like a try for the position – not just the father part, the husband part. He’d like to try to complete what she’d ended before.
JJ suspected Tessa cut the shopping trip short based on how much complaining Nathan kept up about not getting chocolate milk or kiwi which was on his list. He’d brandished a hand drawn list at Tessa and JJ a few times while complaining that the boxes weren’t checked off. JJ tried to stay out of it but he followed along, listening as Nathan whined to his mom.
If JJ had the right, he would tell Nathan to stop bugging his mom and leave her alone. He’d even offer to take Nathan back to the store to get the rest of his list and Tessa’s, but until Tessa acknowledge JJ as Nathan's father and involved him more in Nathan's upbringing, JJ's hands were tied. He refused to undermine Tessa’s role as mom.
Nathan was looking for a father. Did he realize that meant he was looking for a match for Tessa? Someone to love and hold Tessa. Someone to reach after the future with her by his side. Did Nathan understand that? Or was he just looking to find someone that he could connect with and look up to?
Either possibility filled JJ with jealousy. He didn't want anyone else holding Tessa. He didn't want anyone else bonding with Nathan. The more time he spent with them, the more he realized just how much he had missed out on. And then, while he was filled with melancholy for all that was lost, it turned to anger and JJ realized he was just as angry with himself as with Tessa.
At the bar, Tessa turned when they reached the backdoor. Nathan ran up the stairs, most likely anxious to open a new cereal.
Resting her hand on the doorjamb between the outside and inside, Tessa stopped JJ from following them inside. He could push the issue since he co-owned the building, but that wouldn’t get him what he wanted. He stood uncomfortably on the stoop, putting his hands on his hips.
Tessa looked past JJ’s shoulder, flinching when he sighed.
Irritation didn’t sit well with JJ and he didn’t hold things in. Obviously something was bothering Tessa and JJ refused to let her sit on it. “Why are you so mad?” At the moment, he wasn’t sure he cared.
He was mad.
He was hurt.
But he was willing to move on, leave everything in the past.
If Tessa could as well.
If she wanted to.
Until they moved on and chose to try, nothing was ever going to change and they would constantly dwell and get mad at each other, stuck walking on eggshells for the rest of their days.
Tessa set her jaw and growled through her teeth. She looked everywhere, obviously trying to avoid his gaze. After a few minutes, she finally gave in and met him square on. “You can't do that. He's my son. I know he’s yours, too, but you can't talk to him like that. He takes everything seriously. He's been planning on changing his last name to Jackson. Picking up his coloring books and finding his name written as Nathan Jackson instead of Nathan Sinclair is more than shocking. He's seven. I don't even know how he knows how to spell Jackson. Did you tell him? Did you put that in his mind? You made the suggestion and now he won’t drop it.” She shook her head the slightest amount and half-sobbed.
JJ held out his hand and ducked his head to catch her suddenly errant gaze. “Hey, this isn’t bad, okay? All I told him was my last name when he asked. I don’t see the problem. Jackson should be his last name. And you know it. Just like Jackson should be your last name, Tessa. Is that what this is about? Your name marks your territory?”
Her pride. Always her pride. They’d never move on as long as pride worked to block them. He could put his aside, but could she?
She gasped, covering her mouth with her hand and staring at him. He could see the defense of madness moving through her mind. She dropped her hand and glared. “You know that's not what this is. It shouldn’t be my name. It shouldn't be his.” Tessa narrowed her eyes. “I feel like you're the one trying to say you own him, like marking him as your son. Is that what you're trying to do? Tell everyone? Have you told your girlfriend? Because she knows. Is she okay with it?” She taunted him with an arched eyebrow.
Whirling inside, Tessa didn’t hide the anger sparkling in her eyes.
JJ reached out and grabbed her arm. He ignored the bittersweet tingle of touching her. Didn’t she see how much he needed her? “You know that's not what this is. I don't need to mark my territory to know what's mine. Nathan is my son. Just like you should have been my wife. You still should be my wife.” His grip loosened, but he didn’t let go. “I’m not with Celeste anymore. She knows. I had to tell her. I can’t be with anyone but you. I need you.” He flexed his jaw, the movement as he clenched his teeth comforting. “I can’t...”
His comment jerked her gaze towards him and she watched him, her shoulders tight. She didn’t walk away though which JJ found encouraging. What would bring her closer to him? What could he say? He would set aside everything to be with her.
“You know you're supposed to be with me, Tessa. I love you. I've always loved you. Give me back what you took. Please.” His voice softened. He moved his thumb back and forth on her arm where he held her. He searched her face, seeking the give he knew was there.
Tears brimmed in her eyes and she murmured, “I can't. My mom...”
JJ pressed closer, he couldn’t back off now. Not yet. “You're not Jillian. I'm not Greg. Your mom and I grew close, she...” How did he tell Tessa that Jillian just wanted her daughter to be happy? He could make Tessa happy, if he had the chance.
She jerked from his hold, blinking back the tears that had been the only evidence of her vulnerability. “You would get sick of me. I only hurt people I love. Look at what happened with my mom! We fought and I never came back. Then she died. She never met Nathan, never. Because of me. I never got to tell her how sorry I was, that I didn’t mean what I said. I did that. I ruined her chances at happiness. You can’t... please, JJ don’t want to be with me. If you have problems remembering that I’m bad for you? Just remember what I took from you.” She threw his words back in his face.
“I remember, that’s why I’m trying to get everything back.” He pulled her close. She would continue to push him away. He couldn’t let her do it again. “Let me decide that.”
She scoffed, rearing back. “So I can deal with the heartbroken child you'll leave behind? No, thanks.” She bit her lip and looked away. Taking a deep breath she nodded, then pierced him with the intensity of her gaze. “I want to close the bar or sell it to you or whatever you want. You can have my half. I’m out.” She yanked away from his grip which he’d loosened in his shock.
Pulling open the bottom door, she ran through then slammed it shut, locking it from the inside.
No matter how hard JJ banged on the door with his flat hand, Tessa never came down.
What had he just lost? It was like he stood at the altar all over again, only this time he could see the child he lost. The future stretched ahead of him filled with loneliness and shame. He’d bared his soul to her, loved her, forgiven her for everything... and she’d quit everything and slammed the door on him.
The town’s luck had obviously run out on love.
Chapter 19
Tessa
Jillian would be proud. Tessa wasn’t letting herself get emotionally attached. She refu
sed to be left bitter and alone like her mother. One lesson she’d learned from Jillian was that she didn’t need anyone to make her happy.
Love wasn’t necessary.
In fact, love was often billed as a burden and a headache more than anything.
After telling JJ she didn’t want the bar anymore and that she needed to get out of Bride, she ran upstairs, holding her hands tight and her expression even tighter. What had she done? A sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach warned her she might have done exactly what she shouldn’t have.
Hadn’t she learned her lesson when she’d left JJ at the altar? Hadn’t she learned what being without him was like?
And dang, if this time she didn’t already know how poorly it would affect their son. Why couldn’t she – just once – set aside her need to be right, her need to keep her head up? Apparently she had to be more stubborn than anything.
Even when JJ swore he still loved her.
A pain in her chest pulled at her to run to him, but she couldn’t. What would she say? Sorry? For what? How did she explain that her fear of being with him stemmed from seeing what her father’s abandonment did to her mother? They’d been in love, too. He’d become trapped and then left. What that had done to Tessa and to her mom had been nearly insurmountable. Tessa had to believe that not knowing her father at all would have been better than watching him walk away.
She’d been there long enough and had enough pent up frustration, she had to do something. Walking outside wasn’t an option with JJ’s potential presence looming. The man had pounded on the door for a while and Tessa had pulled Nathan to the back of the apartment.
To her mom’s room.
“Hey, want to help me go through grandma’s things? I bet she has some treasures.” Tessa tried to make it sound more fun than it would be. Going through her mom’s things just seemed morbid and like an invasion of privacy.
Plus, what was she hoping to find? Letters from her father that her mom had hidden from her? Did she really think he had tried to care? No. She didn’t. She knew he had left and never looked back.
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