“I’m coming,” she breathed against his mouth as he ducked his head to kiss her. “Every time you move inside me. It’s too wonderful. I can’t do this for very long.”
“That’s not going to be a problem.”
Her spasms added to the friction. Tiny massages accompanied every thrust. Less than a minute later, he came in an explosion so incredibly powerful that he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything but be in her and feel every cell in his body shudder with the experience.
*
Later, when they’d taken the time to slip under the covers, he pulled her close to his side. She rested one arm on his chest and slid her knee over his thigh. They fitted together perfectly, he thought, trying to keep himself emotionally distant even as he felt himself tumbling into the dark pit of wanting and needing. He wanted to get as far away from her as he could, but it was too late. It didn’t matter how much he traveled or for how long. He’d connected with her and now there would be hell to pay.
He closed his eyes, but that couldn’t blot out the truth. He’d crossed his own private line and gone into the place he’d promised himself he would never go. He should have kept his distance. He should have done a thousand things differently. He’d been a fool.
Heather sighed. “I love you.”
She spoke the words quietly and easily, as if she’d said them a thousand times before. As if they weren’t powerful enough to shake and crumble the foundations of his world. He couldn’t respond—he could barely breathe. Love? No. Not possible. His mind and heart rejected the possibility.
“I don’t want you to say anything back,” she added. “I wasn’t even sure I was going to tell you. It kind of slipped out. Nothing will change. I swear, I won’t get all weird on you—it’s just that I wanted you to know.”
She gave a little laugh and looked at him. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. After all, I’ve been very clear on my three-strikes rule. I thought I was done with love forever. But I can’t resist you. Not only because the lovemaking is so terrific or because you make a habit of acting like a hero, but because of how you make me feel when I’m around you. I love how you look out for me and Diane and how kind you are and how smart and funny. We’ll still be friends. I promise. But I do love you.”
Then she did the most amazing thing. She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Jim told himself to stay calm. He held her gently for over an hour, listening to the sound of her breathing, replaying her words and trying to figure out what they meant.
He wanted to believe. What man wouldn’t sell his soul to have a woman like her in his life? He wanted to respond in kind and tell her that somehow they would make it work. But he couldn’t. Because she wasn’t telling the truth. She couldn’t love him. No one loved him. Not ever. No one got that close. He’d designed his life to keep the world at bay. What made her think she could slip past the barriers and find her way to his heart?
It was all he could do not to shake her awake and shout at her, telling her that he didn’t want her love. Instead, he slipped out of her bed like the snake that he was and made his way into the living room. There he dressed, then left the quiet house. When he closed the door behind him, he promised himself that he was never going back inside.
*
Heather woke and found herself alone in the bed. At first she thought Jim was somewhere else in the apartment, but as she walked through the living room, she realized he was gone. A cold shiver rippled down her spine. Why hadn’t he told her he was leaving?
Her feeling of uneasiness persisted through the morning as she got Diane ready, then drove to the office. What had happened? Had he been so disgusted by her confession that he’d had to leave? Had she been wrong to admit her feelings?
“Don’t panic,” she told herself. “Everything is fine. There’s a perfectly logical explanation why he left. He probably just didn’t want to be seen walking out of the apartment first thing in the morning.”
That had to be it. She’d meant what she said last night. That while she did love him, she didn’t expect that fact to fundamentally change their relationship. Or was she fooling herself? Heather stopped at a red light and bit her lower lip. She was willing to admit that in the back of her mind, she had sort of hoped that Jim might respond in kind and open up a discussion about…what? she asked herself. Their future? Did they have a future? Did she want one?
She searched her heart as she drove. Did she want to risk loving a man all over again? Did she want to go through the pain and suffering and the potential for heartbreak, all in the name of love?
She pictured Jim’s face as he held her daughter. She remembered his determination to help Brian, and the way he laughed and that silly dimple that made her thighs go up in flames. She thought of how thoughtful he was and the gentleness in his hands and his voice and his heart.
Yes, she did want to risk it all.
The office was empty when she arrived. Flo was probably in one of the hangars checking on flight records. Heather settled Diane, then made her way to her own desk and sat down. A stack of papers lay where she’d left them. Jim had put an envelope on top.
Frowning, she opened it, then read the tersely worded three-line message. In it he told her that he’d found her a different part-time job. The hours were just as flexible, but the pay was better and she started work on Monday.
She scanned it twice in disbelief. He was getting rid of her, just like he got rid of everyone else in his life.
Chapter Fifteen
The first sob tore at Heather like a great monster. She tried to hold back, to gain some kind of control, but the shock was too great. She could only sink into her chair and wonder why this was happening. She’d known that Jim would have some problems accepting the fact that she loved him, but she’d thought he might go into a panic mode and list the fifty-seven reasons why they couldn’t be a couple. She hadn’t anticipated he would toss her out of his life. The pain was so sharp it hurt to breathe.
“What’s wrong?”
Heather looked up and saw Flo standing in front of her desk. She hadn’t heard the other woman come into the office.
“Is it Diane?”
Heather reached for a tissue. She shook her head, then handed her friend the note. “He wants me to go.”
Flo scanned the message, then sank into the chair next to Heather’s desk. “Okay. Take a deep breath and start at the beginning. What happened?”
“Nothing. Everything. I told him I loved him.” Another sob caught in her throat. She wiped her face and gave Flo a brief account of the events from the previous evening. “I can’t believe I said it, and now he wants me to leave, just like that.”
Flo leaned forward and squeezed her hand. “He doesn’t want you to go. The man can be as thick as a board sometimes, especially when it comes to things like this, but you can’t take him seriously.”
Heather’s stomach churned. She thought she might be sick. “How else can I take it?”
“The way he meant it. He’s scared. He’s reacting, not thinking. Do you really believe that man wants you to go?” Flo’s full red lips pulled into a straight line. “You can still turn this all around, but it’s going to take some work. Jim won’t make it easy. Not for one second. So what you have to decide is what it’s worth to you. How far are you willing to go to be with this man?”
“I don’t know,” Heather admitted. “I can’t help thinking I’ve been a fool for love—again. I should have learned my lesson by now, but I ignored all the warnings. I feel like Jim pulled me in and made me think he was this incredibly perfect man. At least with the others, I knew they were flawed. But I thought he was a real, live hero.”
“Is that who you fell in love with?” Flo asked. “A hero? Is that what you need him to be? I thought you were interested in the man.” She rose to her feet. “If what you’re looking for is a hero, then he’s better off without you.”
Heather stared in stunned astonishment. Flo’s words stung l
ike salt in an open wound. Anger flared. “You’re certainly quick to write me off,” she snapped. “I guess you and Jim really are two of a kind. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. To answer your question, although I don’t know why I’m bothering, no, I don’t need or want Jim to be a hero. I want him to be an ordinary man. Because of all he’s done, I forgot that he’s just like everyone else. I thought he was perfect, or at least perfect for me. I knew he had some reluctance to getting involved, but then, doesn’t everyone? My sense of betrayal comes from the realization that not only wasn’t he going to love me back, but he’d also let my feelings for him drive him away. I thought he was capable of growing and changing, and he’s not. At least not with me. He would rather be right and safe—and alone—than risk love.”
Flo smiled and leaned back against the chair. “Well, why didn’t you just say so?”
Heather stared in outrage. “You were testing me?”
“Not exactly. I was trying to figure out how much you cared. You love the man.”
“Of course I do. I said that.”
“There are many different kinds of love. You said you told him that you still wanted to be friends, but it’s more than that, isn’t it?”
Heather hadn’t been willing to admit that to Jim last night, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to admit it to Flo now. But there didn’t seem to be any point in avoiding the obvious. “Yes, it’s more. I love him as a friend, but I also love him romantically. I want to be with him, always.”
“We’re talking marriage?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Yes. I guess.”
Flo grinned. “I’m so happy for you.” Then her smile faded. “The problem is, he won’t believe you love him because never once in his life has anyone tried to fight for him. When things got tough, everyone walked away.”
Heather knew that Flo was talking about romantic relationships that she’d observed in the past, but she, Heather, knew a greater truth—about what had happened with Jim’s mother and with his high school girlfriend. Flo’s words were more true than she realized. No one had fought for him, or loved him enough. Not once. If she was right and he believed that failure was death, it was no wonder that he was running from her and any feelings he might have for her.
“You’ll have to be the one to make him see the light,” Flo continued. “You’re going to have to stand up to him.”
“I know you’re right, but how?” Heather picked up the letter. “He wants me out of his life.”
“Does he? Or is he just afraid to believe what you told him?”
Heather didn’t have an answer to that.
“Do you really want him?” Flo asked.
Heather stared at her friend and smiled. She brushed the last of her tears from her cheeks. “Oh, yes. I do. I love him. He’s kind and honorable. He does the right thing even when it’s not the easy thing. He’s a good father figure for Diane. He adores her. I suspect he loves her even if he won’t admit it. He’s smart, he’s stubborn and he can be really annoying at times, but that’s okay because I can be, too. It’s not that I think I may not find anyone better, it’s that I’m not interested in anyone else. Jim is my match, my soul mate, and I never thought I’d say that again.”
“So what are you going to do?”
There was only one answer. “Fight for him.”
Flo touched the note. “You can start by telling him you’re not leaving.”
She hadn’t thought about refusing to take the other job, but as soon as Flo said it, the advice made perfect sense. Jim wasn’t firing her—and she knew he wouldn’t. He was simply offering her a different place of employment. She could just as easily turn down his offer.
She wrote “Thanks but no thanks” across the bottom of his letter, then placed it in the center of his desk. When she returned to her seat, she looked at Flo. “Now what?”
“Now you wait.”
*
Easier said than done, Heather thought nearly a week later. No doubt about it, Jim was avoiding her again. She hadn’t been in the office when he returned and read her reply to his note. But when she’d next seen him, he hadn’t mentioned it. Instead, he’d greeted her politely, as if she were a delivery person, and quickly left. They’d been playing the same game for six days. A noncommittal greeting, polite chitchat and nothing else. He hadn’t called, hadn’t come over and certainly hadn’t in any way acknowledged that they had once been close friends and lovers.
Heather held her sleepy daughter and moved back and forth in the rocking chair in the tiny nursery at work. The relaxing motion helped her think while having the added benefit of making Diane drowsy.
“What do you think, sweet cheeks?” she asked softly. “Is Uncle Jim making you as crazy as he’s making me?”
The man should be shot. If stubbornness and an inability to see what was right in front of his nose were a crime, he would be in for life. She knew he cared a lot. Not just about her but about her daughter. She knew that he had to miss them as much as they missed him. The irony was, of course, that if she had a big crisis in her life, he would be at her side in a hot minute. But as long as he thought she was strong and self-sufficient, he would avoid her.
So she waited. For him to figure out the truth. For him to start to believe that she really loved him. But would he ever be willing to trust her? He felt the two most important women in his life had failed him and was convinced he’d let them down, too.
“I’m afraid he won’t give me a try,” Heather whispered. “I’m afraid we’re going to miss out on what could have been very wonderful.”
She’d already thought of and discarded a dozen plans, outlined twice that many conversations, all in the name of persuading him to see how great they could be together. But she couldn’t force him. He knew her as well as anyone ever had. She’d told him she loved him. Either he would believe her or he wouldn’t.
So for now, she waited. Waited and prayed and hoped and loved one very difficult, stubborn, wonderful man.
*
Jim stared at the quarterly report in front of him, but it didn’t make any sense. He supposed part of the reason was that he hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours a night in the past two weeks. He wasn’t eating, either. He couldn’t do anything but avoid Heather.
He wasn’t even doing that very well. Because not seeing her, but spending all his time thinking about her and missing her, was just as bad as being with her. Except if he only thought about her, he was tempted to touch her or hold her. And if he held her, he might have to ask her if she’d meant what she said when she told him she loved him.
Love. He couldn’t understand how she’d just said the word. As if it was easy. It couldn’t be easy. It was too powerful and potentially dangerous. So he’d had to let her go because letting go was the only thing that made sense. The only other alternative was to marry her and he could never do that.
“Jim?”
He looked up and stared. It was as if he’d conjured her up from his very thoughts. She stood in front of his desk. So beautiful, so alive. The morning sunlight made her blond hair shine like gold. Diane gurgled from her arms, then saw him and squealed. He hadn’t been spending enough time with the baby. He missed her as much as he missed her mother.
“I have a meeting,” he said by way of dismissal.
Her smile told him she didn’t believe him for a second, but she played along. “This won’t take much time. Or maybe it will. I promised myself I’d wait until you were ready, but it’s been two weeks, and I’m out of patience. Besides, I’ve been having this conversation with you in my head daily and I’m finally ready to actually have it with you.”
She glanced over her shoulder as though checking to see if they were alone. She didn’t have to worry. Flo had left for the post office and wouldn’t be back for half an hour.
“I know your deep, dark secret,” she said, her green eyes wide and her gaze direct. “You’ve spent your entire life trying to fix everything to make up for the fact that you
couldn’t fix your mom when she was dying. You couldn’t convince your girlfriend that the two of you could make it when she was pregnant. Then your mom died and your baby died. And you were left alone both times, standing in the middle of a tragedy with no one to hold you or help you through that living hell of pain and sorrow. So you fix and you fix and you fix because you keep hoping that one day it’s finally going to be enough.”
His mind screamed at him to run, but he couldn’t move. It was like having a bright light glaring down into the small, wizened imperfection that was his soul. She had figured it all out. She was right about everything and he was ashamed.
Her tone softened as she continued. “I have news for you, Jim. You’re never going to make up for that past. First, because what’s done is done. You can’t change that. Second, you weren’t the one who was wrong. You were a child and your mother was sick. You wanted to make her better. But you weren’t a doctor or God. You were a little boy. You had no power. What she asked of you was wrong.”
He didn’t respond. He couldn’t. He could only stare at her and wonder how long this torture would go on. He’d never wanted her to know this about him. He’d wanted her to believe the facade he showed the world. How could she bear to see him for who and what he was? Didn’t it disgust her?
“As far as I’m concerned, you’re the greatest guy in the world,” she said with a smile. “I wanted to resist you, but who can resist a guy who is so incredibly perfect? Except you’re not perfect, and that’s what I didn’t see at first. I kept looking for the flaws. At least with other men, the flaws are usually pretty obvious. But not with you. You hid the truth and I ended up believing in a shadow.”
She shifted Diane so that the baby was up against her shoulder. “You keep everyone at arm’s length by being the one who takes care of them. A person can respect his mentor but not get that close. You bring them on board, then move them out before they get too important. That way, you’re never at risk.”
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