by Chris Birch
'Well. Something’s got to be done and I know your Dad won’t do it,' Mum said.
Her voice was louder now, frustrated.
'O…..kay' I trailed.
I had no idea what was coming.
'So, I’m going to tell your Dad that it’s over …’
Mum broke her stare and looked at me for the first time since I had got home.
What? What does she mean? What’s over? I was truly confused.
My expression must have revealed how lost I was, Mum looked surprised now too.
'You aren’t shocked are you love? You must have guessed this was coming?'
During those extra seconds it dawned on me that she could only be talking about one thing, her and Dad splitting up.
'We will try and keep things as normal as possible, Dad will have to move out obviously but you boys can visit him in his new place and…..' Mum reeled off her plans for the next few months.
Dad will move out? New house?
It was only just dawning on me that my parents were going to split up, I hadn’t thought about all the inevitable changes that would bring. Mum carried on talking, she was filling up my silence with chatter, her voice sounded jolly now, she was trying to force an upbeat end to our chat.
'So, you’ll have two homes, you can go to Dad when you get fed up with me,' she joked, cheerily.
'So, Dad doesn’t know?'
‘No.’
Mum seemed annoyed that I had brought our conversation back to the beginning again, as if she had hoped that part of the chat was finished.
'Well, when are you going to tell him?'
'Soon, I will tell him soon, I just wanted you to be the first to know,' she said.
Why? I thought, as I imagined spending the next few days, or, weeks, trying to hide this secret from my dad. Why do I need to know first?
It turned out that my estimate of how long Mum would take to tell Dad was far too optimistic. After two weeks, things in our house were as normal as they had ever been and I began to wonder if Dad knew but had just taken the news really, really well.
Perhaps Mum has changed her mind? I wondered. Every time I saw Dad I felt awful. I knew his fate and acting like everything was normal made me feel like a traitor. But at the same time, if Mum had changed her mind I didn’t want to cause any problems by blurting out what I knew to Dad. The atmosphere in the house was fraught as I waited for something to happen. I felt like I was watching an animal on a nature programme, about to pounce on it’s prey, I willed it to happen just so that it would break the tension.
One month after Mum’s chat with me she knocked on my door.
'Come in,' I called.
I was getting ready to go out for the evening with Lauren, Mum just rested in my doorway.
'I’ve told him, I’ve told your dad that I think we should split up, I’m going to go out so you might want to see if he’s ok.’
With that mum turned, seconds later I heard the front door click closed behind her.
Dad and I chatted all the time but we had definitely never spoken about his relationship with Mum, or his feelings. I really didn’t want to have an awkward conversation with him but I wanted to show my support somehow. I found Dad slumped in front of the sofa, he shot me a brief half smile but he looked downcast, as if someone had removed his stuffing and all that was left was a floppy body.
'Are you ok?' I asked.
Secretly, I hoped he would just say, ‘yes’ and then it would be over with. To me, men didn’t really speak about their feelings, it wasn’t natural, especially not with your dad.
Dad didn’t answer immediately, I wondered if he had heard me, he didn’t look at me and kept his stare on a drinks mat on the coffee table. I opened my mouth to repeat my question but then he turned towards me and made eye contact with me briefly.
'Your Mum says our marriage is over, Chris.’
His delivery was matter-of-fact, as if he had told me it was forecast to rain. I wanted to tell him that I knew, that she had told me about it a month before, that I was angry at her but none of those words came out.
'Oh right,’ I sighed.
'I’m just….i’m a bit shocked, Son.’
It was clear we both felt unbelievably awkward, neither of us wanted to talk about it.
'Are you ok?' I asked again.
'I'm fine,' Dad nodded.
He clearly wasn’t fine, he looked devastated but I didn’t know how to handle the situation and sensed my presence just made him feel more uncomfortable
'Let me know if you need anything,' I called before patting him on his arm and walking out of the door.
In those days divorce was still pretty rare, especially in Bargoed which was quite a traditional town. None of my friends had divorced parents parents, in fact, I only knew of one person whose parents had split up, a lad at school. The idea that your Mum and Dad would live in different houses just seemed alien and weird. My natural instinct was to keep their break-up to myself, it was embarrassing and I didn’t want anyone to know. But just because I didn’t speak about it didn’t mean it didn’t affect me.
In fact, looking back, I can see that my parents breaking up was what lead me to walk into that jewellers in Bargoed two months later and buy an engagement ring for Lauren.
I was about to lose the family unit that I depended on and the security it brought me, without realising, I was searching for some stability to replace that.
Four weeks after my mum and dad decided to break up I went over to Paul’s house and made an announcement to him. By then, Lauren and I had been together for six months which, to me and my friends, seemed like an eternity.
'I’m going to propose to Lauren,' I declared.
'Really mate?' he said excitedly, 'I think that’s a great idea'.
In our small town you met a girl, got a good job and when you had enough money to, bought a ring and then got married. So, the idea of proposing to your girlfriend at seventeen years old must have seemed totally normal to Paul.
That morning we visited the jewellery shop and tried, between us, to choose a ring for Lauren.
'What’s your budget?' the lady at the shop asked.
I smiled proudly, 'don’t worry about that'.
I had just started earning a good wage. Although I had been working at McDonalds when we had met, Lauren had managed to put in a good word for me at the bank she worked for. A vacancy came up at another branch and she recommended me. After a nerve-wracking interview, I got the position and had started working in the bank office helping fill out paperwork for a business loan manager. I had swapped my crusty McDonalds uniform for a smart shirt and trousers and changed from frying food to typing on a computer. It might have been an entry level job but to me, it felt incredibly professional and grown up.
With no rent to pay my above minimum wage job felt like the salary of a Premiership football player. I had more than enough to cover the cost of a ring for Lauren.
'I think this one,' I said, definitively and selected a plain, silver band with a square cut diamond.
'Great, all that’s left is to pop the question,' the lady grinned.
My stomach flipped immediately and I felt the fizz of nerves bubble up into my throat, how am I going to ask her?
Dad had made an offer on a new house but had to wait for the owners to find a place so they could move out, which meant Mum and Dad had to live together despite being separated. The atmosphere in the house was awful, Dad had even started stockpiling furniture in the garage for his new life. Mum and Dad tried their best to avoid each other which meant I usually had the house to myself, so it wasn’t long before I had an opportunity to propose to Lauren.
It wasn’t a particularly romantic evening, Mum and Dad were out and we had agreed to babysit Simon. He was upstairs in his bedroom playing on his Nintendo and the sounds of his shooting game echoed down the hall. We had just eaten a takeaway pizza and as the nibbled crusts sat on plates at our feet, I slowly started to edge the conversation towar
ds our relationship.
'I’m really happy with how things are going,' I mumbled.
My face felt like it was burning with nerves.
'Me too,' Lauren smiled, sweetly.
'I think I, I mean, I know, we, have a ffff-future together.’
Lauren looked puzzled.
'What’s wrong with you?' she frowned.
'There’s something….'
'What?'
I held her hand to signal for her to be patient.
'There’s something I want to, I was wondering, well…'
I was really blathering now and sounded like Hugh Grant in one of those corny romantic films. As I wiped sweat from my shiny head Lauren suddenly seemed to realise what was happening because her eyes widened, her jaw dropped and she fell completely silent.
With the captive audience I needed, I gathered myself, took a deep breath and decided the less I said the better. So, I got down on one knee, like I had seen people do when they proposed on TV.
'Will…. you….marry….me?' I said simply.
Silence. Lauren just stared back at me, her expression was still one of shock. Suddenly it dawned on me that she could say no. I waited for what felt like minutes, frozen on one knee.
'OH MY GOD,' she squealed.
She was clearly surprised but delighted.
‘YES.’
Finally able to get up off the floor I put my arms around Lauren and she gave me a tight hug, relief rushed through my body and I felt my hot face start to calm. As we held each other I knew it was a significant moment, one we would tell our children and grandchildren about one day. Caught up in excitement our loud shrieks must have disturbed Simon because he padded downstairs a minute later.
'We’re getting married,' I said.
‘Really?’
'Yes, Lauren will be your sister-in-law.’
As I said it I could hardly believe the words myself.
'Ohhh,' he cooed, 'can I go and play my game now?'
It was a pretty underwhelming response but I knew the rest of the family wouldn’t be so easy.
A week later, Lauren and I asked Dad to go for a drink down the pub with us.
'Dad, we’ve got some news..' I started, as soon as we had sat down with our drinks.
‘We're engaged,' I explained.
Dad took a few seconds, he looked at us both and then down at Lauren’s hand, she was proudly stretching out her ring finger so he could see the gem.
'Does your mother know yet?'
'Erm, no.’
Dad have me a knowing glance.
'Well, I think that’s great,’ he finally said.
A few minutes later Dad left the table, when he came back he looked awkward.
'I just rang your mum and told her.’
I frowned at him.
'She had a right to know,' he said.
I suspected that he told her so that he could gloat about the fact I had told him first.
'What did she say?' I asked.
Lauren was caught in the middle of Dad and I, turning her head from one to the other like she was following the ball at a tennis match.
'Well, she’s not over the moon, you better speak to her later,' he sighed.
The next day Mum called me into the kitchen so she could grill me about the engagement.
'I just think you are too young Christopher,' Mum said for the sixth time.
I looked at the kitchen floor and wondered how much longer I had to listen to her.
'You know…..' she began a sentence but then just ended it with a sigh.
'I love her, I want to get married.’
I stared at the kitchen clock, I willed it to move so it could be time for Mum to go to work.
'But marriage, Chris, it’s….look at your Dad and me...you don’t want to rush into anything.’
'I’m not, I know how I feel.’
'Well, if you’re sure,' she sighed.
The next evening I went to my friend, Ben’s, birthday party with Lauren. It was the first time we had seen our friends since I had proposed and it became like an informal engagement party, with everyone eager to congratulate us and talk about the wedding.
'So, when’s the big day?' Ben asked.
'We don’t have a date yet,' I said.
'Well, let us know, then we can organise the stag do,' he grinned.
Lauren rolled her eyes and I winked at Ben. Stag do? Now that was going to be fun.
It was the happiest I had been since Mum and Dad had split up, our engagement had made life seem settled again.
We’re going to be together forever, I told myself as my friends patted me on the back.
A few weeks later my Nan came over to our house to see Lauren and I, she had a big box full of presents wrapped in pale blue paper.
'What’s this?' I asked.
'They’re for you, silly,' she said, 'engagement presents'.
Presents? I thought. I hadn’t realised I would get presents.
Lauren politely smiled at my nan and I got to tearing off the wrapping paper. I saw a picture of a toaster on the box.
'That’ll be for your home, when you’re married,' she explained.
Lauren and I looked at each other, our eyes widened as we realised for the first time that we would need to get our own place.
In that moment I saw my life flash past me. I imagined our wedding, in the local registry office, then the reception, probably in the local club, that’s where everyone held their parties. I saw an image of Lauren and I, in our own little house, snuggled up on the sofa, with the toaster nan bought us in the kitchen.
I let my imagination run away with me, I saw myself happily painting a nursery and assembling a cot. I would be a manager at the bank by then, Lauren would probably stay at home with the kids because we would be able to afford for her to give up work. We would have two children, go on holiday to the places I had visited as a child, Mum would come over for Sunday dinner every week. That’s it, I thought, contentedly, i’m going to have a happy little life.
Chapter Four: Old Chris
My frustration bubbled, from my stomach to my fists.
'You don’t ever listen to me Chris,' Lauren’s voice echoed down the phone.
I rolled my eyes. She was repeating herself again, in fact, it felt like we had been having the same conversation on repeat for the past three weeks.
'I’m going to be your wife one day and you don’t even listen to me…' she said.
I was pretty sure I hadn’t spoken for about five minutes. Apart from a short, ‘uh huh,’ here and there, just so that she knew I was still there.
I could put the phone down, I thought, she probably wouldn’t notice.
It had got to the point where I didn’t even know what Lauren and I were arguing about anymore. Neither of us had actually done anything, there wasn’t another woman, or man and nothing had really happened. But for whatever reason, when I was nineteen, over a year after we got engaged, we suddenly descended into endless arguments, broken up with brief moments where we both apologised and vowed never to argue again.
'I don’t know, maybe it’s the pressure of our jobs,' I offered, it felt like I should say something.
The line went silent for the first time that morning. Pressured by the white noise I felt like I had to carry on talking, like I had to fill up the empty space with something until Lauren spoke again.
'Erm...I mean, we’ve both got a lot going on at the moment and maybe it’s just put us under extra, you know, extra strain?' I said.
My tone posed it as a question but really I felt like it was a fact. We had gone from blissfully happy to turbulent in just a few months and the only factor that could be to blame was our long work hours.
Both of us had a serious work ethic, would get to work early and leave late and we both were eyeing up promotions, Lauren was even considering going to University. In the evenings we would be too tired to see each other and at the weekends we would just end up arguing about the fact we hadn’t seen
each other. It was an endless cycle, we would both say things we didn’t mean and hold a grudge until someone apologised.
'Well nothing is going to change, is it?' Lauren snapped.
'No, it’s not, so what’s the point? ' I said aggressively.
Her tone had got my back up and my male pride made me feel like I had to snap back. There was silence again for a few seconds. I looked down. I had been carrying some wet washing to the shed to put it in the tumble dryer when Lauren had called. I started to pile it into the dryer but with only one hand free, t-shirts and socks kept falling on the dusty floor. Each time I stuffed something back in the overcrowded dryer something else would fall out. It was beginning to irritate me and I wanted to escape the damp smell of the shed.
'Look, you just seem different at the moment, you keep snapping at me all the time and I’m not happy,' Lauren said.
Her voice seemed to have gone another octave higher. She had become like an annoying fly, buzzing around my head and I just wanted her to stop so I could put the washing in the dryer and get out of the freezing cold, smelly, shed.
'Okay, well, shall we break up then?' I said.
Silence again.
Shit, I shouldn’t have said that, I worried. I hoped Lauren hadn’t heard me, or that the line had accidentally cut out.
'Fine. If that’s what you want, let’s break up.’
It wasn’t like Lauren to get angry but I could tell from her wobbly voice that she was upset.
Crap, what do I do?
I didn’t want to break up, I loved her, we were just having a bad patch but my pride wouldn’t let me take back what I had said.
'Well...erm…'
I hoped my hesitance would hint to her that I didn’t mean it, then she would take back what she had said and things could go back to normal.
'No Chris, if that’s what you really want then I agree. It’s over.’