by Ted Neill
The boy and his friends offered to show Tabitha what it meant, but she could tell by their giggling that it would be a joke at her expense.
After Frieda died Miriam felt like something had been taken out of her and something sick had been put back in its place. Miriam began coughing more after Frieda died and some mornings she was too weak to get out of bed. Mum Amelia moved her so that she could sleep on her side of the cottage at night. That way when Miriam woke up coughing, Mum Amelia would wake up too, come out of her room and rub Miriam’s back. She would also then catch the blood Miriam spat up in a tissue.
Miriam watched the other children go to school, come back for tea, go back to school, come back for lunch, then go play on the playground. The nurses came to see her and she sensed that there was some disagreement between Mum Amelia and the nurses. They did not speak to each other, which was unusual because Nurse Ruth almost always spoke to every one with a big smile. The next day Ruth and Amelia actually exchanged angry words, but they were in Kiluhya, their mother tongue, so Miriam could not understand. Finally Bonava came. He spoke to Mum Amelia in Kizungu. He did not think Miriam understood, but by now she did.
Bonava and Ruth thought it was time Miriam went to the nursing room, the death room. But Mum Amelia did not want her to go. Mum Amelia was tired of losing children. Even Mum Amelia wanted to cry. Miriam realized that Mum Amelia was like Miriam had been when Frieda was sick—she did not want Miriam to go away and be with Jesus. Miriam did not want to go either. She was afraid.
But Miriam did not want to anger Bonava, who was her father now, so when he asked Miriam if she wanted to go to the nursing room, she said yes. Mum Amelia went into her bedroom and closed the door.
One afternoon Tabitha came home to find Auntie in the house. It seemed like she had arrived in a hurry because she was still wearing the apron and hair net that she wore when she was frying mandazis. She was very angry and was screaming at Tabitha’s mother in Kiswahili, using the word malaya herself, but when she saw Tabitha she became sad and switched to Kizungu.
After that no more men came to the house. Tabitha’s mother spent more time sitting outside in the sun with Auntie’s Bible on her lap. The next Sunday she came to church with Auntie and Tabitha, although she was very weak and coughed throughout the service. She did not come the next week, however. Tabitha would find her on her knees more often, praying to God. Sometimes she would make Tabitha pray with her, even though Tabitha did not particularly like praying for as long as her mother did.
There was not as much food now and the whiteness on Tabitha’s head and arm had spread to both arms. Now the first arm had gotten fat and hurt. Tabitha’s mother not only was coughing now but she had to go to the toilet very often. Sometimes they would run out of newspaper for the toilet because her mother was using so much. Auntie became worried. One morning she took a few crumpled bills from her change purse and told Tabitha’s mother to take herself and Tabitha to see the doctor.
Maureen finally brought Harmony to a home for children called Malaika, run by a big fat lady named Mama Seraphina. At first Harmony liked Malaika. She had a bed to sleep in with two other girls and she had food to eat. She helped in the kitchen regularly so that she got to eat extra, but when Mama Seraphina found out she was stealing, she spanked her and sent her to her room.
Harmony started going to school. They had one at Malaika but Harmony was in a class with lots of little children and the older children made fun of the way she read. Her bed was not very nice after a while either because one of the girls was always wetting it. She would try to sleep out on the couch in the main room, but Mama yelled at her for that as well.
The gate of the home was always open though, so one day Harmony decided she would wander out. Not very far down the street there was a Coke kiosk with some boys standing around it. Harmony smiled at them and asked them for a Coke. They bought her one.
Harmony began sneaking out of Malaika whenever she could to meet the boys. They didn’t buy her drinks every time but sometimes they would let her sip theirs. One time they asked her to lift up her skirt and show them herself for a soda. Harmony did. The doctor had looked at her there so she was not as embarrassed this time.
One of the boys had an uncle named Thomas and he was sitting down near the kiosk. When he saw what Harmony was doing, he became very angry. He told the boys to go home and told Harmony he would tell Mama Seraphina what she was doing if she did not go straight back.
On a later occasion, Harmony snuck out and she ran into Thomas again. This time he was on his way home. He was alone and did not tell Harmony she had to go home. He invited her to his house and told her he would give her some sweets.
When they arrived the house was empty. Thomas sat down on a chair and asked Harmony to sit on his lap. He asked her if she would take her trousers off again for him. She said no. He asked if she would take his off. She was not sure, but he promised her fifty shillings.
His penis was like Steven’s and Harmony wondered if this was simply what they got like when boys grew up. He asked Harmony to rub it, which she did until he urinated on her, although the urine was white and sticky. Then he gave her fifty shillings and sent her home.
Whenever Harmony could get away she would go to Thomas’s house. She made lots of money from him by rubbing his penis. One time he asked if he could rub her in the same place. He promised two hundred shillings. Harmony agreed. Then he wanted to put his penis in her. She said no because it had been done to her before and it hurt very badly. He said it would not hurt this time.
It did, very much. But he gave her four hundred shillings in all and told her to tell no one. If she bled on her underpants, he said she should just throw them away.
Harmony did what Thomas said and went back to visit him regularly. She liked it when he held her up close to him, even if he had a strong smell of sweat and maize. She came to like the smell, it meant someone cared for her and the hole she had felt in her chest since her mother had died felt smaller. Thomas still gave her money but it was never as much again, never more than twenty shillings. Harmony stored all the money in a sock in her shoe, but one of the girls that shared her bed could hear all the coins jingling around. She told Mama Seraphina that Harmony had money.
Harmony was called in to see Mama. She asked Harmony how she was getting the money. Harmony said the boys had given it to her. Mama asked how the boys would have so much? Harmony said she did not know. Mama told her to tell her the truth or she would throw her out. So Harmony did.
Mama sent her to her room. A few days later Mama called her back to her office. Harmony was horrified and excited to see Thomas there. He was dressed in a suit and barely looked at Harmony. He told Mama that he knew Harmony and that she was the girl that kept coming to his house. She had told him her story and he had felt sorry for her. So he had given her some coins. But she was quite a nuisance and he thought Mama needed to take better care of her children. He mentioned that she had exposed herself in front of about a dozen people in order to get a soda.
He left after that. Harmony started crying. She told Mama he was a liar. She told Harmony to shut her mouth and sent her away.
The picture Miriam had made of Jesus for Frieda was still hanging above the bed. She was placed in the same bed that Frieda had been. Other children came in to visit Miriam. They brought her pictures that they hung beside the one of Jesus. Miriam had not realized that she had made so many friends. Many of the little boys that she had disciplined in school came with bad drawings with letters on them. When Miriam asked Ruth what the letters said, she laughed.
“They say, ‘I love you Miriam!’ I did not know you had so many boyfriends.”
Mum Amelia came in to visit her each day. Sometimes she was not even in her Mum uniform, which Miriam knew meant that she had come in on her day off. Bonava came in as well and so did Catherine.
Catherine told her she should not be afraid. Miriam thought she should try to follow Catherine’s advice since Catherine was t
he best child—Miriam had heard many adults saying so.
“Jesus will be in heaven and so will your parents,” Catherine said. “Do you miss your parents?”
“Yes,” Miriam answered.
“Don’t worry. God will take care of you.”
Miriam felt better after Catherine’s visits. After them she always felt like she was ready to see Jesus. But then Mum Amelia would come in and sit by the bed for hours and Miriam would feel sad again. She liked Mum Amelia and she did not want to lose her. Mum Amelia told her to keep being strong and to fight, and that she loved Miriam. She told Miriam not to give up, to pray that she would get better.
Miriam was confused. Why would she pray to Jesus to get better if Jesus only wanted her to be with him, like Catherine had said? If Miriam prayed to Jesus that she would get better, was that not against his wishes?
Miriam decided not to pray at all. She would just look up at the picture she had made of Jesus. She was afraid of him now. He wanted her to die. Catherine wanted her to die. Miriam wanted to live.
One day the doctor came and she brought many large pills for Miriam. They were white with three letters on them, but Miriam still had trouble reading her letters. The pills were so big they made Miriam gag when she swallowed them. Her throat was always hurting now and they made it worse, as if they were covered in broken glass. When she did swallow them, they made her so sick she wanted to vomit. Many times she did. Blood would come up with her vomit. It also came up with her snot.
Mum Amelia said Miriam had to take the pills though. So did Ruth. So she did. But Miriam only seemed to get sicker. Her skin was now peeling off when her clothes were changed. Some days she could not make it to the toilet so she had to pee and poop in a pot like Frieda had. Some days they even put a diaper on her, which she hated because the wipes they used to clean her were always cold.
One night one of the babies in the room died. After he was dead and they were cleaning him, they pulled a worm out of his nose. No one knew how it had gotten there. It was placed in a pan where it wiggled and squirmed and left wet trails where it moved. Miriam vomited. She was afraid she had worms in her too.
Jesus had come for the baby that night. He might be coming for her soon too.
During the funeral for the baby, while everyone was gathered for the service in the schoolhouse, Mum Amelia came, sat with Miriam, and read to her. Catherine did not come as often now. But Mum Amelia came all the time, whenever she could. Sometimes her hands smelled of cleaning products, sometimes they smelled of oogali. Miriam tried not to remember what her own mother’s face looked like because she knew what that would cause. She told herself her mother from now on was Mum Amelia.
One night when Mum Amelia came in to say good night to her, Miriam asked her if she would pray with her. Mum Amelia closed her eyes. Miriam did the same and folded her hands together. Then she said.
“Dear God, I love you very much. Thank you for the nice day. Please bless Mum Amelia. Bless the children and Catherine, and Bonava, and Teacher Margaret and Aunt Evelyn, and nurse Ruth, and the volunteers. And Jesus, please give me one last chance.”
The money was not very much, so Tabitha and her mother walked as far as they could to the hospital. Only when Tabitha’s mother was too tired did they stop, sit down, and decide to catch a matatu. Because they had walked part of the way, it would not be as expensive.
When they arrived, Tabitha was very hungry. She told her mother even though she knew they did not have enough money to buy anything from the kiosks that were set up outside the hospital. Her mother began going up to the sellers anyway and in a very soft voice asking if there was anything they could give to her and her daughter. Most of the people said that they were poor themselves and could not be giving away food or else their husbands or wives or their children might not eat. But one man towards the end of the row of kiosks gave them two passion fruits. Tabitha ate hers right away. Her mother placed hers in her pocket. She thanked the man many times and made Tabitha say thank you as well. Her mother told him God would bless him.
The hospital was very crowded. It also smelled funny, like people, but also a smell Tabitha had never experienced before, an astringent smell that burned the inside of her nostrils. Tabitha and her mother sat down at the end of a row of chairs. Every few minutes everyone would get up and move one chair down. The person on the very end of the line would go inside an office where there was a doctor. There were many old people there as well as many children. Some were very sick, some very thin, some with their arms wrapped in bandages, but none had skin that was turning white like Tabitha’s.
They had moved only a few times when Tabitha’s mother had to go to the toilet. Tabitha hoped it was near because she knew when her mother had to go, there often was not much time to spare. Fortunately the door was just on the other side of the room. Her mother moved toward it as quickly as possible.
She remained in the toilet a long time. When the line moved again Tabitha was unsure if she should move without her mother, but the cucu beside her told her it would be all right. Time passed, the line moved again. Now Tabitha was excited because when her mother returned she would surprise her by calling out her name and showing her how far they had moved and how little time they had left.
The line moved two more times. The long waits in between moving seemed to take forever now that Tabitha was paying close attention. But eventually they moved again and again. They rounded the corner of the chairs and were moving in the opposite direction so Tabitha’s back was to the toilet door and she had to keep looking over her shoulder.
The line moved two times in succession next. Now the cucu bent over and asked Tabitha where her mother was. Tabitha said she had not seen her come out of the toilet yet. This attracted the attention of the old man sitting behind the cucu. He said something in Kizungu. The cucu nodded and said that maybe Tabitha should go check on her mother. She promised to hold the seat for Tabitha.
Tabitha walked over to the door to the toilet and pushed it open. The room on the other side was quiet. The astringent smell was very strong inside but so was the smell of urine and excrement. Tabitha called out for her mother. Her own voice echoed. She called out again but heard nothing in response.
It was a large toilet. Instead of just a hole in the ground, there were walls constructed around what Tabitha thought were many holes. However, when she peered around a swinging door that led to where the hole would be, in place of a hole she saw a shiny white chair. It was a strange seat with no bottom. It had a hole in the middle and water floating inside. It was white and Tabitha thought maybe it was made of polished bone, maybe the bones of the people who had died in the hospital.
She was becoming scared. She called out for her mother again but there was no response. The walls between the seats did not reach the floor and Tabitha looked beneath them. A few feet down she saw her mother’s skirt. She made her way down the room and pushed on the appropriate door.
She found her mother on the other side. She was sitting on one of the seats. Her skirt had been bunched about her but it was falling now. The smell of diarrhea was very strong and suddenly Tabitha felt terrible for intruding upon her mother.
Her mother did not seem upset though. She was leaning against the wall, her eyes partially closed. Tabitha moved closer. Her mother was breathing very softly, like she was sleeping. Tabitha called out her name. She whispered something, but her eyes did not move. Tabitha realized she was very tired. Then she noticed that her mother’s passion fruit had fallen on the floor. She reached down to pick it up. As she did so, she noticed that diarrhea, blood, and urine were running down the side of the white seat.
She placed the fruit back in her mother’s pocket. She told her mother that they were almost to the doctor now. There was a slight change in her breathing, which Tabitha thought meant she had heard her. But still her mother did not move. Tabitha decided to leave her so she could continue to rest.
She went back to her seat in the queue. It had moved on
e seat over but the cucu had kept it for her. She asked Tabitha how her mother was. Tabitha told her that she was resting.
Finally the queue had moved and Tabitha was at the front. She kept looking back over her shoulder. A few women went into the toilet. Each time the door opened, these same women would come out. Tabitha’s mother was still resting. Finally the door to the doctor’s office opened. A nurse came out and called for the next person. Tabitha did not know what to do. But then the cucu spoke, in Kizungu. The nurse then asked Tabitha if her mother was sick. Tabitha said yes. Then the nurse called over a second nurse and they went into the toilet together.
Tabitha waited. She did not want to lose her spot in the queue for when her mother came back. She watched as the door opened. But it was only one of the nurses. She ran away and when she returned, she had a man with her and between them they had a bed on wheels. At the sight of this, many people turned their heads. The cucu took a hold of Tabitha.
The door opened again. This time one of the nurses was holding it open as the other nurse and the man pushed the cart through with Tabitha’s mother on top of it. Then they turned down the hallway and disappeared. The nurse that had held the door came over and told Tabitha to come with her. Tabitha asked if they would lose their place in queue. The nurse said they would be seeing a doctor right now.
She led Tabitha down a hallway. Tabitha kept looking for the bed with her mother on it, but she did not see it. The nurse made her sit down in a chair outside a room. When Tabitha looked inside the room, she could not see much because there was a curtain in the way. She waited there a long time. Finally the nurse came back. She seemed upset. She asked what Tabitha’s surname was. Tabitha did not know. She asked what her mother’s surname was. Tabitha did not know that either, but she suggested that the nurse ask her mother.