by Like, Macyn
I gave him a minute before I spoke. He was gripping the counter, looking down again. I saw a couple tears fall in the sink and my heart broke. Finally, I spoke. “Kieran, all of that was a long time ago, right?”
“Yes,” he said, still not looking up.
“Okay. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you ruined your relationship with Becca. Sometimes things like that just don’t work out, for lots of reasons. It sounds to me like she wasn’t good enough for you. Even so, you can’t stop living your life because you’re scared of screwing up.”
“That’s not it,” he said, suddenly looking up at me.
“Then what is it?”
“The day I got out of the hospital, I told myself I wouldn’t get involved with someone like that again.”
“But I’ve seen you with girls before.”
“Yeah, I go out with some girls, but I’m never involved with them, and in the three years since all of that happened, it hasn’t been a problem. Then I met you. Marissa, what I feel for you…it’s familiar, and it scares me. With Becca, I’d never felt so out of control in my life, and I hated it. I never want to feel that way about anyone again.”
“So you’re just afraid of getting hurt, then?”
“No.”
“What is it, then?”
“I’m afraid of losing myself.”
“See this scar? I’m reminded of Becca everyday. Of how I let myself get to the point where I thought life wasn’t worth living without her.”
I frowned. “I thought it was drunk driving accident?”
“Ha. Everybody thinks it was. Even Kiera . But you know what? It wasn’t, not really. I told you. I’m not an alcoholic. Yeah, I was out of it all the time, but not that night. I’d been drinking. I guess I was even over the legal limit, that’s what the report said, but my thinking was clear. I was driving home from a party and I remember thinking how easy it would be, how easy to veer off the road, let my car drift off the edge.”
“But the report said you were drunk. You may think you were thinking clearly, but you weren’t.”
“But I was! I made the decision! I didn’t slide off the road because I lost control of the car, or because I was too drunk to realize what I was doing. I made the decision to let go of the wheel, and then I let everybody think that it was because I was smashed because I would rather people think I was an alcoholic than suicidal.”
He inhaled audibly. I walked over to him, laid my hand on his shoulder. I looked into his eyes, searching them. The hurt I saw was almost unbearable.
“Are you still in love with her?” I asked.
“No.”
“Okay.”
We stood there for a few moments before he said, “Some people are just meant to be alone.”
“Maybe. But you’re not one of them.”
“Marissa, don’t.”
“Kieran, I’m not her, and you’re not the same person you were then. You won’t make those same mistakes again. You were young, you were in over your head, but you’re past that now. So don’t pretend this is about protecting me. You’re protecting you, and that’s okay. But if you decide you want to move on, you know where I’ll be.”
I pressed a kiss to his cheek and left.
Back in my apartment, I sank on the couch, exhausted. I wanted to help Kieran, but I couldn’t help someone who didn’t want it. Everything he told me was meant to drive me away, but it only made me feel closer to him, and that made me want him even more.
I heard a soft knock on the door and stiffened. I inhaled deeply before opening it.
Kieran was standing there, pain etched all over his face.
“I’m so sorry, Marissa,” he said. “You’re right. You’re so right.”
Chapter 20
Kieran
The second Marissa walked out the door, I knew I’d messed up. What was I thinking? This was Marissa. I was in love with her.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. I was in with love her. As much as I never wanted to love anyone again, I did, and it was scary, but not as scary as the realization that I might’ve just driven her away for good.
And then, something inside me snapped. An intense need flowed through my veins and I decided I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t be without her.
I ran out the door, barely bothering to close it behind me. My head screamed at me to stop, that this was good, that I’d stopped it before it had even started, exactly what I’d planned to do. I didn’t want to stop it, though. I wanted her. No matter how things turned out, even if things ended badly and I ended up in the same place I was three years ago, I didn’t care about that. Nothing could stop me. I needed to be with her.
I pounded on her door. Even if I had to beg, I was getting in that apartment. To my surprise, though, the door opened right away.
“You’re right,” I said. “You’re so right.”
She opened her mouth to respond, but I didn’t give her a chance. I pulled her against me and kissed her hard, like I’d never have the chance to kiss her again. Because, up until a few seconds ago, I didn’t think I would.
I scooped her up and walked us into her apartment, kicking the door shut behind me.
“What made you change your mind?” she asked, breathless.
“You,” I said. “I just want you.”
Chapter 21
Marissa
The next morning I woke up under the covers, wondering how I’d gotten there. George was curled up above my head, Oatmeal at my feet, and Tulip against my side. I noticed my shoes, sitting neatly against my closet door, but I didn’t remember taking them off.
Then I remembered. Kieran had been here. We’d stayed up all night, talking, getting to know each other better. Or at least I thought we did, but I must’ve drifted off.
I heard something in the kitchen and sat straight up. I was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, and they were crumpled and wrinkly. I glanced over at the mirror. My hair was wild. My mascara was smudged under one eye, while the other one still looked perfect. How did I do that?
I heard another rustle from the kitchen. I had a good guess of who was in there, and I did not want him to see me like this. I put my feet on the floor and snuck into the bathroom as quietly as possible so he wouldn’t notice me. When I’d brushed my teeth and made myself look halfway acceptable, I emerged into the living room. Kieran was there, sitting on my couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table, a plate in his lap, watching the morning news.
He smiled when he saw me and swung his legs back down to the ground, standing up. “Good morning,” he said.
“Good morning.”
He stepped into the kitchen. “Do you like milk or juice?” he asked.
“Milk,” I said, cocking my head to the side as I watched him pour me a glass. Something smelled good. Had he cooked?
I didn’t have to wonder long before he presented me with the glass of milk and a plate of food.
“Scrambled eggs and bacon? I didn’t have any bacon.”
“No, I did. I went over and grabbed it earlier. I hope that’s okay. I already cleaned up my mess.”
“That’s fine. More than fine, actually. Thank you.”
I walked over to the couch and sat down.
“You know, you really should get a kitchen table. It’s hard to eat on your lap.”
“I’m used to it. I ate ramen noodles on my lap in my dorm room for four years in college.”
“Didn’t they have a cafeteria?”
“Yeah, but I’ve always felt weird eating by myself, and I didn’t really know anyone there, so I never had anyone to eat with.”
“You didn’t make a single friend in college?”
“I had a few in some of my classes, but they lived off campus. It’s my fault. I kept to myself too much.”
Kieran rinsed off his empty dish in the sink and put it in my dishwasher. “I’ve got to go get ready for work.”
“Me too. Thanks for breakfast.”
“You�
�re welcome,” he smiled.
I opened my mouth to ask if I would see him later, but he was out the door before I could get the words out. George went over to the door and rubbed against it, disappointed his friend had left.
“I know, bud,” I said to him. I was too, but I did have to get ready for work. I was already running behind. I downed my breakfast, which was surprisingly delicious, and jumped into the shower.
Later at work, I couldn’t stop smiling.
“What’s up?” Greta said when she ran into me in the bathroom. “You look like you just won the Powerball.”
“Mmm?” I asked, trying to look innocent while I reapplied my shimmery pink lip gloss in the mirror.
“Did something happen with your neighbor guy?”
Yes. A lot had happened. “Maybe,” I said, tucking the lip gloss back in my pocket.
“That looks like a yes to me.”
“Yes,” I confirmed. “I’m not sure what, though. He’s so complicated.”
“Who isn’t?”
“No, I mean he’s really complicated. He’s got this past he can’t shake.”
“Who doesn’t?”
I cracked a smile at her. “No, I mean, he really can’t shake it. But I think he wants to, now, at least.”
“Because of you?”
“Maybe.”
“So you’re definitely not interested in Camden?”
“No. I don’t think I could go out with him again after last night. The way I’m feeling about Kieran right now, it’s…” I trailed off, not being able to find the right word.
“Intense?” Greta supplied.
“Yeah.” That was it. Intense.
“So, really, what happened?”
“I don’t know,” I said, a blush creeping up my cheeks. “We talked. He opened up to me. I don’t think he does that with a lot of people.”
“Oh, yeah.” She looked skeptical. “You look like you just talked.”
“We did! Mostly.”
“Mostly,” she repeated.
I nodded, not willing to divulge any more details.
I exited the bathroom, a satisfied smile on my face. Memories of kissing Kieran filled my head and anticipation shot through me. I hadn’t been this excited about anything in so long. Scratch that. I’d never been this excited about anything, ever.
“Hi, Marissa,” I heard Camden call as I passed his desk on the way back to mine.
“Hey,” I called back, barely sparing him a glance.
Chapter 22
Kieran
I couldn’t concentrate on my class. It was all I could do to follow my lesson plan and work out the problems I’d selected for the day on the overhead projector. I’m pretty sure my students could tell my mind was elsewhere, but luckily, they didn’t say anything about it.
By the time lunch rolled around, I was so happy—excited—worked up about Marissa that I wasn’t even hungry, but it was corndog day in the cafeteria, and I wasn’t one to pass up a good corndog. I met up with Emery in the hallway on the way back to my room.
“Mind if I join you?” he asked.
“Come on in,” I said, opening my classroom door and letting him slide by.
He sat down at a small desk across from mine. We munched on our corndogs in silence for a few minutes.
“What’s got you so happy?” Emery asked, setting his empty stick down on the tray.
My mouth was full, so I just raised my eyebrows in reply.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this much. You’re, like, smiling while you chew. The dogs are good, but they’re not that good. Something’s going on.”
I swallowed and answered simply, “Marissa.”
“Marissa? The neighbor girl?”
“Right.”
“Well, alright, man. So that’s working out for you?”
“Better than working out. She’s amazing.”
“Well, there you go,” he said, picking up his second corndog.
He didn’t know the half of it. I leaned back in my chair and shamelessly let my mind fill with thoughts of Marissa. I wondered what she was doing. Was she having a good day? Was she thinking about me, too? Did she miss me as badly as I missed her?
I looked back over at Emery and thought she was probably out to lunch, with her friend, Greta. She’d told me about all her coworkers last night. She’d even told me about this guy she works across the lobby from. Carter? Connor? No, Camden. He was Betty’s grandson. She said they’d even gone out a couple of times, but that nothing came of it. I’d been surprised by the jealousy that had bubbled up in my chest while she was talking about him. She was my Marissa. I didn’t realize it before, but I’d felt it ever since she moved in.
I let my thoughts wander more, thinking about everything Marissa had told me about her life. I imagined her sitting in a small, crowded restaurant, a small brunette sitting across from her. Suddenly the girl disappeared, replaced by a tall, attractive man. Because maybe she wasn’t with Greta. Maybe she was with that Camden guy. Maybe he asked her out to lunch. Maybe he was trying to win her back. He’d be an idiot not to. What if she went for it? What if she…
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to clear my head, but it was too late. I felt it. That familiar surge of panic. The jealousy. The insecurity. And there I was, fighting off a full-blown panic attack. I couldn’t stand the thought of something else taking her from me, couldn’t stand losing her. Like I’d lost Becca.
What had I done? I wasn’t fit to be in any relationship, especially not with someone as wonderful as Marissa. Yet, I’d started something between us anyway, with no regards for what might happen later on. I’d screw up. I’d hurt her. She’d hate me. She’d shut me out. I couldn’t handle it.
That was it. It was obvious that I wasn’t ready. I was too messed up. Becca had destroyed me, and I would not let myself drag Marissa down into that. She would be so much better off if I could just leave her alone.
I took a deep breath and steadied my voice. “Hey, Emery, do you have tutoring this afternoon?” I asked.
“Sure do.”
“Mind if I help out?”
“Sure, that’d be great, but, um, why? Don’t you have plans with your neighbor girl?”
I lifted one shoulder. “Not tonight.”
“Okay. Yeah, well. Cool, then. That would be really cool of you. The kids need all the extra help they can get.” Emery checked his watch. “Time to get back. Want me to take your tray for you?” he offered.
I nodded, and then, right before the bell rang, I pulled out my phone and dialed my sister.
“Kiera. How are you doing?”
“Good. Settling in. Aren’t you at work?”
“Yeah, it’s lunch. Listen, I’m coming in this weekend, okay?”
“Kieran, you really don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”
“I know you are, but I feel like it, okay? We’ll go out. Have some fun.”
Kiera hesitated, and then said, “Okay. That sounds…wonderful, actually.” I could hear the smile in her voice and it made me happy until I hung up the phone and Marissa’s beautiful face popped into my head and refused to leave. Why was I doing this to her? After everything we’d been through the night before, everything I’d said to her, everything she’d told me?
Because I was an idiot, that was why. Because I was twenty-four years old and still too scared to really be with anyone, to trust anyone.
Yeah, I most definitely wasn’t good enough for her.
Two seconds, and I’d gone from happier than I’d been in years, to completely terrified. I buried my forehead in my hands as I listened to the bell’s shrill ring, and wondered why I sucked at life so bad.
Chapter 23
Marissa
Where was he? Kieran was always home before me. I scanned the parking lot once again, but his car was nowhere in sight. I sucked in my lower lip as disappointment filled my chest. It wasn’t like we had definite plans and he had blown me off. He just wasn’t home yet, which was un
usual. Which made it feel like he was blowing me off.
I blew out a breath as I hiked up the stairs to the apartment. When I unlocked the door, Tulip was there waiting for me, tail wagging rapidly as she bumped her nose repeatedly into my knees. I bent down to scratch her velvety ears. My cats were both lounging on the couch. Oatmeal jumped down and began to saunter towards me, while George only lifted his head to acknowledge my presence. My stomach growled reminding me that I’d only had a light salad for lunch. I peeked in my freezer and pulled out the top box on my Lean Cuisine stack. For someone who loved baking as much as I did, I didn’t really cook all that much. If you asked me, they were two different animals. Cooking involved too much chopping, boiling, peeling, frying, and not nearly enough sugar.
I looked down at the cardboard box in my hand. “Enchiladas. Nice,” I mumbled to Oatmeal, who was rubbing up against my calves. I popped it in the microwave and poured myself a glass of tea from the pitcher in the refrigerator, all the while listening for footsteps on the staircase, hearing nothing but the hum of my small, ancient microwave. I downed the tea and refilled the tall glass, grimacing when I noticed my pitcher was running low. I pulled out a pan and set some water to boil on the stove. My food beeped and I turned to get it, but stopped short, thinking I heard something outside. I walked out to the balcony and looked out towards the parking lot. Kieran’s usual spot still sat empty.
I sighed. This was ridiculous. Kieran never said we were hanging out after work. I’d just assumed. But after last night, who wouldn’t?
He was blowing me off.
Things had moved too quickly last night and he’d decided to cool it off. Okay, fine. That wasn’t a crime. Still, it hurt.
Well, whatever. I wasn’t going to sit around and waste my night worrying about it. He’d come around, eventually. He was in too deep now. Or maybe that was just me? No. He was in this, too. I could feel it. Ever since the storm, every time he looked at me, I saw it in his eyes. Even in that first touch, I had felt it, something that had felt right. We were right. He knew it, too. So he could try to run, but I wasn’t going anywhere. I’d be here when he was ready for me.