by Sandi Ward
“A what?” Charlie asks.
Dad is going to a special program?
“It’s like . . . it’s like a camp,” Dad says.
“Oh my God,” Kevin mutters, bowing his head and dragging a hand across his forehead. “No it’s not.”
Dad clears his throat. “Okay, it’s not like a camp. It’s more like a hospital. It’s a rehab facility.” Dad looks sideways at his oldest son, who just rolls his eyes. “Anyway. I hope to be out soon, and after that I’m going to move in with Grandpa, right downtown. Charlie, would you like to come live with me and Grandpa for a while? Until Kevin goes to college next summer?”
Charlie’s face transforms completely. He sits up straighter, his eyes lighting up. “What?”
Kevin’s mouth drops open in surprise. He collects himself and interjects: “What? No. Dad. Why don’t I come live with you, and Charlie can stay here?” He shakes his head, as if Dad has gotten everything backward.
Dad look steadily at his oldest son. “Sorry, Kev, but your mom needs you here. She’s going to miss you when you go to college. More than you know. And I need you to stay here and keep an eye on your sister. I don’t like that kid she’s going out with. You’re the man of the house now. And you could probably use a better role model. Someone who is sober. Your mom tells me that Mark doesn’t drink much. That’s not his thing. So this is the way your mom and I want it.”
“Jesus, Dad.” Kevin’s eyes tear up. “I’m so . . . I can’t even look at you.” He buries his face in his hands.
“I know.” Dad’s face softens, and he nods. “I know you’re angry with me. For everything. And I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. We can talk once I’m done talking to your brother. You can say to me whatever you want to say. But you can’t take out your anger on your brother. Or Mark. Or anyone else.” Dad’s voice breaks, but he goes on: “You just can’t. You need help.”
“Help?” Kevin peeks up at his dad. “I don’t need help.”
“I’m sorry. I know how you feel. I don’t want help either. But . . .” He glances at Mom. “We both need it. And there will have to be a serious punishment. Your mom and I will talk about it. Look. The alcohol has got to go, once and for all. Completely. You’re a good kid, Kev. I know you are.”
Kevin, sensing Dad’s eyes on him, shrugs. “Okay.” He folds over and rests his head on his knees.
The grief is clear on Dad’s face, but he collects himself and turns back to Charlie. “So, buddy, what do you think?”
“Your dad and Grandpa would love to have you,” Mom interjects. “You could help keep your dad in line. Make sure he gets to his AA meetings. But only if you want to. And if your dad is drinking, if he has even one drink, you have to move right back here. Same day. No kidding around. Grandpa is going to enforce the rules.”
A smile plays on Charlie’s mouth. He blinks, those long eyelashes feathering down and then back up.
“Me? Well, I guess so. Sure. I mean, as long as you’re in town so I wouldn’t have to change schools, then why not? Would I have my own room? Could I decorate my room any way I want? Can we paint it? Would I be allowed to walk to the beach this summer and go get pizza and go to the coffee shop and the docks and whatever?”
Dad nods, and he brightens too, giving Charlie a weary smile. “Of course. Sure. Yeah. Why not. I mean, maybe. As long as you’re careful.”
“And I could have my friends over?”
“Yes. But let’s not get carried aw—”
“And my friend Ronaldo. He can come over sometimes too? Like, you know, to watch a movie or something?” Charlie blurts this last part out in such a rush that it takes a moment for everyone to process.
Dad gives Charlie a look.
“Okay. Sometimes. But I’m not promising I’ll like him. I might have to run a background check on him first.”
Dad says this in a gruff manner, but Charlie just smiles back at him.
And then he laughs.
“Okay. Yeah, Dad. We could try it.”
I’m happy for Charlie. I can tell he is very pleased. But . . .
Does this mean Charlie, my one true human companion, my very best friend, is moving out? Just as I feared?
He’s leaving?
I look up to study Charlie’s face, but he doesn’t notice me. Has he forgotten about me already, when I am sitting right in his lap?
Kevin wrings his hands and squirms in his chair, looking terribly uncomfortable. I think he is unhappy with this outcome, but he accepts it. He is the good older boy, and he will do what Dad commands him to do.
Oh! These humans. I feel frustrated.
When Dad and I make eye contact, he frowns. “We should only take one pet,” he says slowly. “I don’t want to overwhelm your Grandpa. Besides, that wouldn’t be fair to your mom, or Victoria and Kevin, to take both pets. So just one pet. The dog or the cat. It’s up to you.”
Charlie’s mouth opens, and he finally looks down at me in dismay. We both glance over at Gretel. At her sad, wet eyes. The way her ears stand alert. Her tail is not wagging. She looks forlorn.
Gretel only has eyes for Dad. She is so incredibly lost without him. He is her alpha, her true partner in life, her one and only. She would give up her life for him. Whereas I . . . I am a cat. I adapt. I adjust. Whoever feeds me earns my trust, and I certainly trust Mom.
I turn my head back to Charlie to say: It’s okay. I love you so much, Charlie, and I will miss you every moment of every day, but I think you should choose Gretel.
He gently touches the fur right between my eyes. My whiskers stand alert.
I’m startled when Charlie suddenly bursts into tears. I am usually very aware of how he is feeling, but this catches me off guard. He cries out as emotion washes over him. While cats do not cry, I imagine what it feels like: hot, sharp, and terribly unfair.
Maybe Charlie is simply relieved to have everything out in the open, to have a resolution. But change can be scary too.
Mom is instantly at his side. Hands rubbing his back. Cooing reassurances in his ear.
“Oh, Charlie. It’s okay,” Mom says.
“We didn’t mean to force a choice on you,” Dad chimes in.
Charlie waves them off. “Dad needs Gretel,” he insists, gulping for air. “We’ll take Gretel. I’m sorry. This is my fault. Everything’s my fault.”
Dad scratches his ear. “What is?”
Charlie waves a hand at his father. “Your stress. Your problems. Kevin told me. I’m the reason you—”
“No,” Dad cries out, visibly upset. “No, Charlie. Absolutely not.”
Mom runs a hand through her son’s hair. “No, Charlie. None of this is your fault. Please don’t think that for one minute.” She sits next to him on the lounge chair and rests a hand on his shoulder.
Charlie doubles over and crushes me, squeezing me against his chest. He sighs. “It’s okay, Lil,” he whispers, rubbing his face against my head, folding my ear back, his tears getting my fur wet. “I’m going to see you every weekend. Every time I visit. And it’s not forever. Just until Kev leaves for college. Not very long. And then maybe Dad will be better.” He wipes his eyes, and lifts his head to look around at his parents. “Dad will get better now, right?”
Mom shifts her weight, looking uncomfortable. “Maybe.” She rubs her cheek with the back of a hand. “Maybe he’ll be better. We don’t know yet, honey.” She glances at Dad and nods. “You’ll have to let me know every day what’s going on.”
Dad gives Charlie a small smile. “Your mom’s right. I don’t know yet, buddy. I’ve been trying but I can try harder. I don’t know what else I can do. We’re gonna to have to take this one day at a time.” The smile fades, and he taps a hand on the deck table. “Okay, Charlie. I hope to be in and out of the hospital in the next few weeks. So we’ll make plans. But right now I need you to go inside so I can talk to your brother.”
Kevin doesn’t look up. He continues to stare down, hands folded between his legs.
“
Um, okay.” Charlie stands and hefts me up onto his shoulder. “Okay.”
He nods, head up, back straight. With a last sniff, the tears are done. Finished. Complete. He gives his head a quick shake, as if tossing off cobwebs. And we walk inside.
My brave boy.
My best friend.
My Charlie.
Chapter 36
A Man Named Mark
These days, I worry most of all about the oldest boy.
But things are getting better.
The summer has started, and Mark comes over many times a week. He told Mom he’d be happy to sell what he had and move in here with us, but Mom told him they needed to take things slow. So he agreed. But I can tell he enjoys being here and always seems sorry to have to leave for his own apartment.
To me, it is as if he has been here all along. His scent is so familiar to me, his touch so soothing, I cannot imagine life without him.
Mom seems happier. More relaxed. She pays attention to little things. She takes flowers when Mark brings them and smells them carefully, touching the petals gently. She allows Mark to throw his sweatshirt on the couch, and lets him get away with cursing. She doesn’t always rush to clear the dishes. I think she has decided that sometimes in life things are not always under our control, and maybe that’s okay.
Dad seems better too, when he visits. He says a polite hello to Mark. He is awake and aware. There is more color in his face, and he looks around him sometimes as if he is seeing the world for the first time. I can tell he still misses Mom, from the way he gazes at her. But when she looks at him, he is able to look back with bright eyes and nod.
Mom wakes up early for work and Kevin and Victoria must get up too for their summer jobs, but when Mark stays over, he rises even earlier, before sunrise. He never went back to being a lawyer, as far as I can tell. He comes over in the afternoon smelling like food and spices, cheese and pepper and cinnamon and lemon.
Often he makes breakfast for everyone before he goes. He’ll prepare some ingredients the night before, and then he is very quick about it as he pours muffin batter into a pan, and slides it into the oven to cook while he takes a brief shower.
The first time Kevin and Victoria came downstairs and saw muffins still warm and sitting on the counter, they were amazed. They did not believe the food could be for them, so they did not touch it. Later in the day, Mark just laughed and said, Who did you think it was for? Ever since, Kevin and Victoria have eaten what Mark leaves out ravenously and gratefully, grabbing their food in a napkin and hustling out the door.
Victoria whines and moans in the morning if Mark is not here to cook for her. She now feels entitled to her fresh breakfast. I have to scoff. It was not long ago that she was lucky to have time to grab an apple in the morning.
Sometimes Charlie comes home on the bus after school to hang out with Victoria, and Aidan gives him a ride to Dad’s apartment on his way home at dinnertime. Charlie and Aidan get along much better than they used to. I think they recognize something in each other. They are both careful around other people. Neither one trusts people easily. But they have come to trust each other.
Kevin and Aidan seem to have reached some sort of understanding. I cannot say they are friends, but neither are they enemies who harbor resentments. No one is afraid to be here.
Now that the weather is nice, Aidan and Victoria lie on the lounge chairs out on the deck, so they don’t bother Kevin very much. They are happy.
Mark keeps an eye on the teenagers for Mom when she is busy and distracted. He tells them to “knock it off” when they start bickering, and they listen. Usually. As I’ve said, Mark is comfortable with people and it’s hard not to warm up to him eventually. Even Kevin talks to him once in a while. It turns out Mark knows a lot about colleges and writing “essays”—what-ever those are—and Kevin starts to listen to his advice.
Kevin is the oldest boy, and a good boy. I can see he is sorry he hurt Charlie. He talks to Charlie cautiously when they are together. He keeps a respectful distance. He does not give Charlie orders or make mean comments. Rather, he asks how Dad is doing, and Charlie gives him frank and honest replies.
Perhaps the two brothers will never be best friends.
Or maybe, over time, they will grow close. They have been through a lot together. You never know.
As the days have passed by, the strangest thing has happened. Mark has become my new favorite human.
Charlie is no longer here all the time. I love when he comes to visit. But the rest of the time I miss him, to the point of grieving. I get sad and lonely. But at the same time, I’m a cat. I gravitate to the one who feeds me, who cuddles and sleeps with me, who understands my needs. Don’t we all?
I find that with Gretel and Charlie gone most of the time, the dynamic in the house has changed. I think things have evened out, thanks to Mark’s calm energy. I sprawl out on the kitchen tile and keep him company while he bakes. And when he’s done, he picks me up with two hands and carries me over to the rocking chair.
We sit, and rock, and rest. When he flips me upside down to coo and call me his baby, I purr. He looks into my eyes to make sure I’m comfortable, or pulls me closer so he can kiss my head.
Other times, he closes his eyes and I watch his lips move as he talks silently. I don’t know if he is talking to himself, or to me, or to someone else. No matter. I rub my head against his chest, and we are content.
Sometimes—not often, but once in a while—Mark gets upset. Even when we are just sitting and rocking. I can tell he’s remembering something painful. His face falls, and his eyes water as he gazes at me. But the moment passes. It always passes. And life goes on.
When I get warm and sleepy, my eyes naturally begin to close. Mark takes in a deep breath, and I feel his whole body relax. But I know he will not fall asleep. He will hold me securely until he or I are ready to get up.
We all have an instinct to care for others, not just ourselves. We need to touch and hold and nurture and protect those we love.
Sometimes the one who receives our love is a very good baby who does not live very long. Sometimes, it is a strange man who shows up to build a bookshelf. And sometimes, it is an absolutely gorgeous cat with a funny limp who fits right into the crook of your arm.
I don’t know if Mark and Mom will stay together as mates for a long time. I would like to imagine they will, but I realize that I will not live long enough to really find out.
Maybe someday Mark will have a new baby of his own. Maybe not.
Someday, I will pass away too. And then Mark will have another loss to deal with. But for now, for today, I am here. I am warm. And I am just the right size for cradling. Mark offers love, and I accept it unconditionally.
I am not a bad stand-in for the baby he lost. I may, in fact, be perfect for now.
A READING GROUP GUIDE
SOMETHING WORTH
SAVING
Sandi Ward
ABOUT THIS GUIDE
The suggested questions are included to enhance your group’s
reading of Sandi Ward’s Something Worth Saving!
Discussion Questions
1. Were you surprised to find out who Charlie’s bully was? Who did you think it was?
2. Are there any situations where you might have sympathy for a bully? Are there any reasons or excuses you think explain bullying behavior? How common do you think it is for a kid to be bullied by a sibling, or a friend of a sibling? Did that ever happen to you when you were a kid?
3. When trying to figure out what appeals to Victoria about Aidan, Lily speculates: “. . . perhaps she feels Aidan can take the place of Dad as a man who is devoted in whole to her best interests.” Did you think Aidan would turn out to be someone Victoria could rely on? How did you feel about Aidan as the story progressed?
4. Did you think Jeremy’s anxiety about Charlie was justified? Was it helpful or hurtful to Charlie that his father spent so much time and energy worrying about him?
5. When Lily
realized that perhaps Kate felt scared by Jeremy’s behavior, what was your reaction? Would you have felt scared in the same situation? What would you have done differently, if you were Kate?
6. Were you surprised that Charlie wanted to go live with his father after bonding with Mark? Would either man be a good role model for Charlie? Do you think Charlie and Jeremy will get along when they live together?
7. Were you surprised that Charlie chose Gretel to live with him and his dad? Is it symbolic of Charlie putting his childhood aside and accepting the changes happening in his family? Could you see Charlie begin to take on the role of “parenting” his father if Jeremy has problems in the future?
8. Do you think Jeremy is truly on the road to recovery, and will pull his life together? Why or why not? What about Mark? Does he seem to be coping with his loss?
9. Lily at first just sees Mark as a distraction for Kate, but over time, Lily begins to love him. What about Mark do you think appeals to Kate and Lily? Is it just that he is emotionally open, whereas some of the Anderson family members close themselves off when they are unhappy or stressed? Do you think Mark and Kate will stay together in the long run? Why or why not?
10. In the end, Lily and Mark have each lost a loved one (Charlie has moved out, and Mark is still grieving the loss of his baby). Lily and Mark seem to have found solace in each other. Do you know anyone who has found companionship in a pet after losing a loved one?
11. Have you ever had a big dog that your family depended on for protection? If a dog injures someone, do you think it’s safe to keep the dog? How did you feel about the kids not telling the adults about the incident with Gretel and Kevin?