“This might make you mad. I meant what I said on the plane. I want them to know I’m their father. I’m going to tell them today and I’d like you there, too.”
Hope’s eyes widened, and then her shoulders slumped. As if she’d just conceded defeat in a battle. She looked down to the cup nestled between her hands and then back to him. “All right.”
* * *
WITH each step that he took that brought him closer to Joshua’s room, Nick’s certainty that he was doing the right thing began to slip away. He glanced to his side. Hope walked beside him. Her agreement after all the arguing shocked him. He didn’t know what had changed her mind, but he was glad for it. But maybe she had been right; maybe telling Joshua right now wasn’t the best idea. But what if he waited? What if he waited too long and there never was a chance?
He was their father, his inner voice argued. And he didn’t want to lie to them anymore. They deserved better. But what if they didn’t want him?
The question tormented him.
They came to the outside of Joshua’s door. Voices from inside drifted out into the hallway. Relief filled Nick. For the first time since leaving the cafeteria, he drew an easy breath. He was sure one of the voices he heard was Susan’s. They were both here.
Joshua was awake and sitting up in bed, his baseball cap firmly in place. Sitting sideways on the bed next to him was Susan. Their faces were turned away from the door. On the bed between them was one of the new laptops Nick had purchased.
Nick started into the room. A calmness stole over him as he remembered his earlier visits and daily telephone calls. Each time, Joshua and Susan had been open and friendly. Why should today be any different? Yes, he knew that what he was about to tell them would come as a surprise, but hopefully they would see it as he did. A wonderful surprise.
As the door closed, the twins turned in unison. A smile began to form on Nick’s face. They could make this work. They would make this work. He would be their father. A better father than he’d had.
Joshua was the first to catch sight of him. When he did, his face contorted with anger. “Get out!” he screamed. “Get the hell out!”
* * *
STUNNED, Hope couldn’t move.
They knew. Somehow, they’d found out who Nick was. Fear sliced through her when she saw how upset Joshua was. She knew this would only distress him, and that was the last thing he needed. He had enough to deal with at the moment.
“How could you?” Joshua continued to yell. But now, his fury was directly solely at Hope. “How could you bring him here?”
She swallowed hard. All those years ago, when she’d been so young and Nick hadn’t been around, she made the hardest decision of her life. A decision she had believed was the best for all. But now, when she looked into her children’s tormented eyes, doubt began to creep in.
She took a step closer, stretched out her hand. What she wanted to do was grab them up in her arms and hold them tight, tell them everything was going to be all right. But the looks on their faces halted that desire. “Josh, honey, let me explain.”
“Explain what? That you know I’m going to die so you brought him here?”
That brought her up short. “You’re not going to die.”
“Yeah,” Susan said, “that’s exactly what Tommy’s mom said before the Make-A-Wish Foundation sent them to Disney World.”
Josh laughed bitterly. “A last hurrah for the dying kid.”
Make-A-Wish? What were they talking about?
Oh God, she finally understood. They thought Nick was a celebrity sent by the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
She took another step closer to the bed. “No, you don’t understand.”
“No, Mom,” Susan said, picking up the laptop. She all but shoved it into Hope’s hands. On the screen was a sharp color image of Nick and his racecar, and then a smaller photo of Mount Rainier Children’s Hospital with the headline: Can Fortune make a dying child’s wish come true?
“You’re the one who doesn’t get it.” Tears pooled in Susan’s eyes. “We know. We know why you invited him here.” She shot a furious glance toward Nick. “Josh doesn’t need any do-gooder. He’s not going to die. Now make him leave.”
Hope glanced over her shoulder to Nick. She wanted to blame him, yell at him that this was all his fault, but when she saw him, pain and remorse knotted her stomach.
He stood motionless. His face blank of emotion. You would have thought him unmoved, unfeeling, until you looked into his eyes and saw a depth of pain that tore at her soul.
Nick must have felt her gaze on him because he looked down at her. “I’ll leave,” he said simply. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
He was leaving—without telling his children. She waited for the feeling of relief she knew would come. Because this was what she wanted. What she’d always wanted from the moment he’d come back into her life. She wanted him to leave, wanted him to drop his unrelenting persistence in demanding that his children know who he was.
So why wasn’t she happy? Where was that sense of relief?
And then she realized how her own thoughts had betrayed her. His children. For the first time, when she’d thought of Nick and the twins, she’d thought of him as their father.
With a clarity she hadn’t possessed before, she saw in her mind Nick with the twins and the undeniable love he had for them. How he’d dropped everything and flown her to see Claire. How he’d seamlessly arranged their whole trip, from the car they rented, to the hotel, to the doctor they saw. How he’d spent last night in Joshua’s room. The texts he’d been exchanging with the kids, trying any way he could to get to know them. But most of all she saw the tortured look on her children’s faces and knew what needed to be done.
Slowly, she reached out, laced her hand through Nick’s. Even though she couldn’t see his face, she felt his surprise. Together they walked over to the narrow bed.
“Joshua, Susan,” she began. She felt her face wobble, her words stumble. She stilled herself, tried to make herself strong. “Nick isn’t from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.” She drew a deep breath and said the words she thought she never would. “Nick is your father.”
Twenty
CAREFULLY, Hope closed Susan’s bedroom door and crept down the hall. After an hour of tossing and turning, Susan had finally fallen into a fitful sleep. It was after ten, and Hope was bone-tired, but she knew sleep would once again be elusive.
She wandered around the house, straightening the pillows on the couch, picking up a book Susan had been reading the other day and putting it on the shelf where it belonged. There were a few dishes in the sink. It took her only moments to wash them and put them away. She looked around the kitchen, hoping to find something else to do. But her kitchen was as spotless as the rest of the house.
Months ago, before their lives had been pushed off course, Hope would have given anything for a clean house and a few hours of downtime. But now, all she wanted was her old, hectic life back. Where the house had always been in chaos, and laughter and smiles had been as common as a houseful of teenagers.
She went back into the living room, turning off the kitchen lights. With nothing else to do, she turned on the television, keeping the volume low, and flicked through the channels searching for something to watch. A Seinfeld rerun, the late news, a paid commercial advertisement for yet another exercise product. Disheartened, she clicked the TV back off.
She had a bubble bath half drawn before she realized that soaking in a hot tub wouldn’t soothe what was bothering her. She slumped onto the edge of the tub.
Nick is your father.
She drew a shaky breath, let it out slowly. Even now, all these hours later, she saw the confused, shocked looks on Joshua’s and Susan’s faces. She’d tried to gather them in her arms and hold them tight, but their stiff bodies and tight expressions told her without any words that they didn’t wa
nt her.
For the next hour, she talked and talked, trying to explain the choices she’d made and how she believed they had been the best for everyone. But the more she talked, the more withdrawn they became. It was one of the hardest conversations of her life. She’d told them she was sorry over and over, but how do you apologize for a mistake that great?
The whole time she talked, Susan and Joshua said nothing; it was as if they’d turned into breathing statues. Joshua refused to look at her; he kept his gaze glued to a far corner. And while Susan never once looked at Hope, she couldn’t keep her eyes off Nick.
Hope had nearly made herself hoarse and her heart had been breaking. The only thing she’d ever wanted for her children was for them to be happy and healthy. And she’d failed them on both counts.
Sometime later, Nick had finally spoken.
I want to talk to Joshua and Susan alone.
It had been the last thing Hope had expected. He looked at her and quietly said please. She’d looked to the children, knowing that if they gave her even the slightest hint that they didn’t want to be alone with him, she wasn’t budging. No matter what. But just then, Joshua finally looked at her and told her that he wanted to talk to Nick. Susan silently nodded in agreement. Seeing the quiet resolve of her children, she reluctantly left the room and waited. Half an hour later, Nick left without saying good-bye. When she went back into Joshua’s room, the twins told her they didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She’d tried but knew she’d have to wait until they were ready to discuss it more.
For the whole of their lives, Hope had been the one in charge; the only parent in a world that demanded two. Now, whether she was ready for it or not (and, quite frankly, she knew she wasn’t), someone else was going to be making decisions regarding her children. And not just someone, but Nick. The thought terrified her.
She had always put her children first. There was never any question of her doing anything else. But Nick . . .
She tilted her head, let it rest against the cool tile of the tub surround.
He didn’t understand that. Didn’t understand you couldn’t have a family and a dangerous profession too. It wasn’t fair to anyone, especially not to his children.
As the tub gurgled and the last of the water drained away, leaving only a foamy white cloud of bubbles, Hope faced a truth she’d been trying to avoid: it hadn’t been fair of her to keep his identity a secret from them. She saw that now. Realized that she should have done everything in her power to find him and tell him about her pregnancy. In her desire to protect her children, she ended up hurting them more.
Slowly, she got up and made her way into her bedroom. She dug through her dresser, found an old pair of flannel pajamas, and slipped them on. She was just about to crawl into bed when the phone rang.
“Ms. Thompson? This is the hospital. Joshua’s missing.”
* * *
HOPE sat on the couch. It felt as if a lifetime had passed since the call, but in truth, it had only been mere minutes, just enough time for her to call Joshua’s phone (a nurse had answered immediately, telling Hope what she’d already surmised: Joshua had left his phone in his hospital room). Hope’s second call was to the police and her third to Dana. The police officer had told her they would send someone right over. And Dana’s phone had gone to voice mail. Belatedly, Hope remembered Dana telling her she had plans tonight. Her cell was probably in the bottom of her purse, out of earshot, or uncharged. In that moment, Hope felt more alone than she ever had.
Hope glanced out the window, saw the darkened world. Not even a sliver of moon softened the harsh blackness of the night sky. A steady summer rain beat against the glass. She shivered. How could they expect her to just sit here, warm and dry, when her son was somewhere out there all by himself in the wet and cold?
She got up, rushed down the hall to her bedroom, and threw on some clothes. It wasn’t until she had her coat and purse in hand that reason returned. She couldn’t leave Susan alone. And she needed to speak with the police officer when he arrived.
Oh, Joshua, honey, please come home.
“Mom?”
Hope looked behind her and saw Susan standing in the hallway rubbing her eyes.
“Mom? What’s going on?”
“It’s Josh, honey. He’s . . .” Hope paused, tried to think of a way to soften her next words, but then realized that there wasn’t a way. “Josh has left the hospital.”
“You mean he’s run away?”
“Yes.”
Susan didn’t wait to hear any more. She spun around and raced back to her room. Hope was about to go after her when Susan’s door smacked back open and she reemerged. In less time than it usually took Susan to answer the phone, she’d gotten dressed. She’d pulled on an old pair of jeans, her pajamas still sticking out the bottom, and a hoodie. She half hopped, half ran down the hall, shoving first one and then her other foot into a pair of sneakers. “I’m coming with you,” Susan said.
Hope walked over to her daughter and wrapped her arms around her. “I need to wait until the police come and I talk with them, and then we’ll go.”
Susan slowly nodded against Hope’s shoulder. They stood there for several moments, as if neither one of them knew quite what to do. Finally, Hope steered them toward the couch, where they sat down to wait.
“It’s my fault,” Susan whispered against Hope’s shoulder. “It’s all my fault Joshua ran away.”
“It’s no one’s fault.” Hope hugged her daughter even tighter.
“Yes it is. I was the one who showed him the Make-A-Wish article.”
Tears stung the backs of Hope’s eyes. She didn’t know who she was crying for, Susan or Joshua or both. “It isn’t anyone’s fault,” she said again, willing her daughter to believe. “And we’ll find him. Don’t worry. We will find him.”
“It isn’t fair,” Susan said.
“What isn’t?”
“It should be me. I should be the sick one.”
“Oh, Susan, why would you think that?”
“Because,” her daughter sobbed, “it’s true. Joshua’s the perfect one. Perfect grades, perfect athlete, perfectly clean bedroom. And me . . . I’m the screw-up. I couldn’t even keep my room clean.”
“Oh, God, baby.” Hope rocked her daughter back and forth. Why hadn’t she seen what Susan was going through? Guilt tore at her.
Susan was openly crying now. “That’s why I can’t go to the hospital all the time. It’s so hard to see the kids, kids like Maddy. But when I look at Josh . . . I can’t look at him, knowing it should be me in there and not him. Knowing that he’s in there because I can’t save him. I’m his sister! His twin!”
Hope cupped her daughter’s chin and tilted her face up until they were eye to eye. She used the pad of her thumb to brush the tears away from her daughter’s face. “Susan, I want you to listen to me. What has happened to Joshua is terrible. No one deserves this. Not him. And not you. I want you to stop blaming yourself for his illness.”
“I’m so scared . . .” Susan’s voice was as fragile as a moth’s wing. “I’m scared Josh is going to die.”
A pain, so sharp and intense Hope would have doubled over if she weren’t sitting, pierced through her. “We’re not going to let that happen. Joshua is going to get well.”
“I’ll keep my room clean and get better grades if only Joshua would come home.”
Hope tried to swallow, but there was a lump in her throat. “How about this? When Josh comes home, you can go back to being a slob.”
A watery smile curved Susan’s lips. “And the grade thing?”
“Now that one—”
The doorbell rang.
Placing a kiss on top of Susan’s silky hair, Hope gently detangled herself and answered the front door.
It was the police officer. He introduced himself as Officer Owen. Hope led him into t
he living room. Officer Owen was young. Really young. She began to worry.
Surely they wouldn’t send someone so inexperienced. How long could he have been on the force? Didn’t they know that Joshua was sick and needed to be found right away?
Her fear compounded, became like a ball rolling down a snowy hill. It grew and grew until pretty soon it was too big to get around.
Officer Owen must have sensed her concern. In a strong, confident voice, he assured her that all was being done to locate Joshua. Taking off his hat, he sat down and pulled out a small black notebook. His first question was if Joshua had a cell phone or not. After Hope explained how it was still at the hospital, the officer nodded his head and continued to ask questions about Josh: his age, height, weight. Where were his usual hangouts? Who were his friends? Did she have a current photo? His compassion, professionalism, and competence slowly began to melt some of her fears.
Fifteen minutes later, Officer Owen stood. “I think that’s all I need for right now.” He took the photo of Josh from her and made his way to the front door. “We’ll be in touch as soon as we hear something. Leave your cell phone turned on and the home line free as much as possible. It’s important that we are able to reach you, or if Joshua tries, he can get through.”
“I want to go out and look for him,” Hope said.
Officer Owen put his hat back on. “I wouldn’t advise that, ma’am. Nine times out of ten, these kids return home after a couple of hours. We need you to be here if and when Joshua comes back. Or if he calls.”
“But—”
“Trust me, ma’am,” he said as he handed her a card with his name and phone number. “It’s for the best. I promise, we are doing everything to locate your son. The best thing you can do is to wait here. Don’t forget to let us know if you hear anything.”
Hope watched his back retreat out the door and down the path toward the driveway. The wind kicked up, pushing the rain toward her. She shivered, wrapped her arms around her stomach, and prayed. And prayed and prayed and prayed.
Boardwalk Summer Page 25