“How do you pick where to send them?” I asked.
Chase looked surprised by my question. “I know them. They might work for me, but they’re my friends too.”
My eyebrows drew together as he pulled me into his lap on the couch. “So what? You have them fill out a survey listing their top ten vacation destinations?”
“They talk. I listen.” He wound both arms around my waist. “Pete casually mentions on a rainy night in Denver that he wishes he were in Rio again. Or I catch Dani perusing a New Zealand travel book over coffee in the morning.” From out of nowhere, a silver bag appeared in front of me. “Or I remember some girl from my childhood rattling my ear off about some trip she’d love to take one day when she was all grown up.”
My breath caught. Taking the bag from him, I reached inside, telling myself not to cry no matter what I pulled out. In my hands was a voucher from a travel agent. In the “For” line was scratched in familiar handwriting, All-Expense Paid Trip to Iceland.
My eyes stung as I reread the line. How had he remembered when I’d forgotten?
“You wanted to see the northern lights, glaciers, and hot springs. You wanted to go caving and try Skyr and see if people really ate seabirds,” Chase listed, while I wiped my eyes to make sure they weren’t leaking.
“I’m not one of your employees. We made our own kind of agreement I’m getting more than compensated for.” I brushed the word Iceland with my thumb, feeling all my childhood dreams and whims come spilling back.
“Yeah, well, that part of the agreement’s in there too.” Chase flicked the gift bag. “Don’t lose it. I had to go to five different banks to get that many twenties.”
I reached back inside, finding a check instead of a mountain of bills. The number of zeros following the one took my breath away. At the same time, my stomach sunk. “I agreed to six months,” I said, sticking the check back in the bag. “I haven’t fulfilled my end of the bargain yet.”
“So it’s a day early. Don’t cash it until tomorrow if it makes you feel better.”
I placed the travel voucher into the bag as well before setting it on the sofa. “I don’t know what to say. Part of me knows I shouldn’t accept the trip . . . but I really, really want to go.” Chase laughed at the conflicted look on my face. “And another part of me knows a million dollars in exchange for the past six months is totally unfair.”
He rubbed at the crease between my eyebrows. “You’re right, because I would have given every last dollar in exchange for the past six months.”
My hand covered his where they were still cinched around my stomach. They were strong hands, rough, calloused from playing guitar, but I preferred the feel of them against my skin over the softest cashmere. “It has been pretty great.”
“Exactly. So take your seven figures knowing I got the better end of the deal.”
Silence found us then. The room was anything but, however a bloated quiet grew from the unsaid. What came after? What next? He’d asked for six months. I’d agreed to six. We’d made no promises to each other for the future, no grand professions that hinted at where, if anywhere, this path would lead us after tomorrow night.
I shouldn’t have felt so uneasy about it—I’d been the one to create those boundaries to protect myself. To safeguard whatever was left of my heart post-Chase Lawson.
“Why was it so important I join you on this tour anyway?” I shattered the silence, twisting to look at him. “You made it seem like it would be such a game-changer to your public image if you and your high school girlfriend reunited . . . but you did a better job of that on your own by not drinking and staying out of trouble. I really have no idea what I did to help you.” I rubbed my temple. That night at the reunion, he’d made it sound so simple, so straightforward, but looking back, I thought I had been too dumbfounded by the whole offer to consider how my presence could play such a big role in shining him up in the public eye.
If anything, I might have polished up the impression that Chase Lawson could stay in a committed relationship with a mere mortal instead of a Perfect Ten as I guessed the public pictured him with. But that was only a fraction of a fraction of an image—Chase had cleaned up the rest all on his own.
He took a minute to consider his reply before tangling his fingers through mine. “‘From Bad Boy to Golden Boy.’ ‘The Comeback of Our Generation.’ ‘Reputations are Earned, Not Made.’ ‘First Love Replay,’” he said slowly, reciting some of the bigger headlines that had risen to the top of the media circus. “I could keep going all night, but the point I’m trying to prove is that it worked, Em. You worked.”
“None of those sound bites were about me. They’re about you, Chase. You did it. All by yourself. You didn’t need me to keep you sober or improve your public image or hell, tell you when you need to change into a fresh shirt.”
The look on his face suggested I’d somehow wounded him. Or maybe astonished him. “Em,” he breathed, his eyes drowning in an emotion I didn’t have a name for. “I need you for everything.”
Something buried deep in my chest went soft. “You’ve got people who take care of every component of your life, from planning your meals to changing your sheets to planning your schedule down to the last minute. There’s no room for whatever else you think you might need from me in there.”
A puff of air burst from his nose as he gaped at me in utter disbelief. “Every person on this planet needs a reason to get up in the morning, and you, you are that for me.” One of his hands molded into the bend of my neck. “You’re my reason, Em.”
My lips met his before I’d consciously reacted to his words. I knew I needed to protect myself where Chase was concerned, but these were the last two nights we had. I was going to live them like they were the last two of the planet’s existence.
“I want to dance with you.” His words vibrated against my lips as he rose from the couch, setting my feet on the floor in front of him.
“You’re going to get attacked if you go out there,” I warned when he led me out of the room.
“Worth it.”
“You might not feel the same if a herd of crazed females dismembers you a piece at a time, painting themselves in your blood.”
“We all gotta go sometime, Em, and dancing with you is second on my list when it comes to preferred ways to expire.”
Pete noticed my arm flailing back at him, and he grabbed the other Man in Black before they came charging after us.
“Dare I ask what’s number one?” I asked, breathing a sigh of relief when Pete and Nate broke in front of Chase right before he stepped out of the room.
“You can ask. But if you don’t know, I haven’t done my job of proving my priorities to you. Let me rectify that. Right after this. In my bed. Let me really bring it home. I’ve got until six forty-five tomorrow night to enlighten you.”
When we carved through the main part of the club, he pulled me up beside him, tucking his arms and chest around me like he was some kind of human shield. Of course, the four giant-sized guards moving with us were their own kind of impenetrable shield.
“Your concert’s at seven,” I reminded him.
He grinned at me. “Plenty of time to spare.”
Any other conversation in words would have to wait, because there was no more hiding the fact that Chase Lawson was there. Shouts and shrieks, all crying his name, grew until it felt like the floor was vibrating from the noise. Phones rose by the hundreds, followed by thousands of flashes firing until even when I blinked, I could still see little white balls seared onto the back of my eyelids.
“Mr. Lawson, we should get you back to the private room.” Pete’s deep voice managed to cut through the noise.
“I second that,” I shouted, but I didn’t think anyone heard.
Chase shook his head, continuing to guide me to the crowded dance floor, while I clung to him, trying not to flinch each time some hand cut through the Muscle Wall and brushed against me, fingers grappling at Chase. We were surrounded by adul
ts behaving as though one touch would instantly heal their dying child. People who had made enough wise choices in their life to get them to this point without dying were currently losing their minds because some guy they had on their iPod was sharing the same breathing space.
Life was weird.
People were weirder.
The four guards turned to face the crowd, forming a tight circle around us, when we finally made it to the dance floor, semi-unscathed.
The band up front didn’t miss the commotion, and they stopped playing the song they had been before breaking into a slower melody. It was an old country classic, the kind I’d caught my parents dancing to in the kitchen when they thought I’d gone to bed. The kind Chase and I had made out to in the bed of his truck on sticky summer nights, barefoot and sunburnt.
Chase didn’t say anything. He just tucked me to him, holding me close as our bodies remembered how to move together like this. My hands slid up his chest, nestling around the caps of his shoulders. My eyes cut to the spot my pinkie had just passed over.
Chase’s shoulder lifted when he checked the tear on his shirt with me, as though it were no big deal, a daily occurrence. But then, it was for him. The lunatic fans, the screaming, crying, and cameras. This swirl of chaos was his life, and he’d adapted to it well. Music was his calling, fame the price to pay. Torn shirts and red scratch marks—I noticed with a small gasp—and all the rest.
Privacy, quiet, anonymity would never follow wherever he went. The past six months, we couldn’t share a kiss in public without it being documented and blasted into the world for all to see and scrutinize.
Chase’s head lowered to mine, his mouth positioning right outside of my ear. “What is it?”
My fingers brushed the marks on his neck before I scanned the crowd. “That I’m going to miss you.”
His throat moved as his fingers curled into my lower back, dragging me closer. “I’m right here.”
I nodded as I tucked my head to his chest, before he could see the shine setting in my eyes. “I already do.”
14
“Last night. We made it.” Pete deflated a few inches from his exhale, staring at Chase on stage, about to break into his last song of the final concert.
I nudged Pete, knowing I would miss my perch beside him at every concert, watching Chase with the same kind of intent. “Thanks to you.”
He didn’t argue with me on that. “What are you going to do after this?”
I chewed at my lip. “Go back home.”
For the briefest flash, Pete’s attention drifted toward me. “And you and Mr. Lawson?”
“I don’t know.” The words were whispers on my lips.
“Well, no one really does. We all just take a leap of faith. Sometimes we fall. But we’d never know what it felt like to fly if we didn’t take that risk.” Somehow, he must have heard my sniffle, because Pete’s heavy arm draped around my shoulders for a moment, giving me a brief squeeze. “Life isn’t supposed to be easy, Miss North. Don’t make your choices with that as a guide.”
“Hey, when you retire from this ass-kicking gig, you should go into life coaching.”
Pete’s body rocked from his silent laugh as Chase’s voice filled the stadium with the last few lines.
“I’m not going to miss the ringing in my ears, that’s for sure!” I shouted, covering my ears as a roar exploded around us.
Pete winked. “Yes, you will.”
I was about to step aside, used to Chase running offstage when the lights dimmed, but that didn’t happen. The lights stayed on. Chase remained onstage, behind the microphone, his mouth open as if he was still singing, but no words were coming.
“Is he changing the set up tonight?” I asked Pete.
He grunted. “After working for this guy for eight years, I’ve stopped trying to keep up with his curveballs.”
I stepped toward the stage, waiting, and that was when Chase’s head turned, his eyes finding mine. “I need you out here, Emma North.”
My stomach dropped at the same time my hand gripped Pete’s wrist, hoping someone could tell me what was happening.
The crowd got louder, the whole stadium looking like a disco ball from the way flashes were going off.
My head shook when he waved me out, still grinning at me, fresh from the concert high. “It’s the last night, Em.”
He was a good thirty feet away from where I stood, but I could see the emotion in his eyes. I could read it.
The second I came into view, the noise amplified, arms jutting into the air as bodies bounced, as though all fifty thousand fans knew something I didn’t.
“There she is.” Chase gestured at me, pride etched into his face. “There’s my girl.”
His words made my spine tingle, and for a moment, I forgot I was walking toward him for an unknown reason with thousands of people watching me. It had me checking my outfit to make sure everything was in place and I hadn’t wound up mysteriously naked.
When I was within arm’s reach, Chase spun his guitar over his back, holding out his hand for me to take. I knew better than to say anything with the microphone so close, but the question in my eyes was easy to read.
Chase’s smile spread, the sight of him making my breath strain. “This is it, Em. The last night.” His hand ran through his damp hair, his words still ringing through the auditorium. My heart thundered before he reached into his back pocket, pulling something out at the same time he crouched to his knee. His brown eyes melted into mine, the boy I fell in love with reflecting back in the man before me. “Taking it one day at a time led me right here.”
When Chase lifted the ring, the roar of the crowd cut out. The flashes. The rumble. All of it. In that moment, there was only Chase and me and that beautiful ring making promises that had yet to be proven and were not guaranteed.
His forehead creased. “All I want is you.”
Emotions flooded me. So many all at once. Sadness in my stomach. Anger in my throat. Uncertainty in my knees. But hope . . . I couldn’t find a sliver of it hiding anywhere.
My lips trembled as I tried to speak, but words were next to impossible as, bit by bit, the outside world crept back in. The crowd seemed to have quieted some, as though it were holding its collective breath, waiting for my answer.
“Em.” Hope hung in his voice, but it had left his eyes. He knew my answer. I didn’t need to say it out loud for him to hear.
Fighting the urge to drop to my knees in front of him and kiss away his sadness, I forced myself to turn and run. To walk away when it felt like the hardest thing I’d ever had to do or ever would. To leave behind a good man because of uncertainty, fear, and ultimately, because I was haunted by the past. I’d regret it; I knew that three steps into the journey.
I saw Pete’s face first as I rushed offstage, then Dani’s. The expressions on both of them were unlike any I’d seen before—eyebrows knitted together in anguish, mouths parted with shock. After them, I couldn’t look at anyone else lingering backstage.
I heard him calling my name before I’d made it far. The sound of his footsteps chasing after me. It only made me run faster.
Flying down the stairs, I rounded into the same hall we’d arrived in, praying the door would magically swing open when I approached. It didn’t.
“Emma, please!”
Chase’s footsteps echoed louder as I fought with the door. When he stopped behind me, I didn’t turn around. If I did, I would lose my resolve.
“I shouldn’t have asked you that way, in front of all of those people.” His breath was rushed from running, and an unfamiliar tenor hung in his voice. “I got caught up in my excitement. I wasn’t thinking that asking you to marry me in front of tens of thousands of people would be the last way you’d want to be asked. I’m sorry—”
My head shook. “That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?” he asked almost tentatively, as though he was scared to know.
My silence stretched as I tried to put into words what not
even my heart fully understood.
“What do you want?” he asked, his presence pressing in on me. “Name it. If I can give it to you, it’s yours. Just tell me, what do you want, Em?”
My eyes squeezed shut to keep the tears in. I knew the six months would be difficult, and I’d guessed they wouldn’t end on the highest of notes, but I’d thought it would be because I despised him, not because I was—I had—fallen for him.
“I don’t want this.” My arm gestured behind me to everything in that massive arena. “The noise, the people, the rumors. The girls.” My throat burned. “I don’t want this.”
A prolonged exhale came from him. “This is part of who I am now. I come with this.”
My fingers tightened around the door handle. “I know.”
“This is my life, Em.” He sounded so young, so vulnerable.
I wanted to stay—but I had to leave. My eyes closed.
“But it isn’t mine,” I whispered, pushing the door open at last.
15
I’d traveled halfway around the earth, but my world was still upside down. The change in scenery, the space, the time—nothing could ease the ache I still felt after leaving him that night.
Focusing on the crunch my boots made as I passed over the snow, I attempted to empty my mind, knowing it was a fruitless task. In the week since I’d arrived in Iceland, I hadn’t been able to silence my mind once. Not even for half a minute.
The northern lights were churning in the night sky, neon ribbons dancing with one another. It was the most spectacular natural wonder I’d ever witnessed, but it felt flat without having someone to share the experience with. The beauty of this world—of life—was enhanced with a trusted companion to share them with. And even though I’d walked away from Chase, part of me knew that there would never be another who could fill the void he’d left in my life for the past ten years.
Fool Me Once Page 14