by Jeff Kinney
I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of
Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.
When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at
the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a
device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.
What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been
seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a
Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the
whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience
is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's
breakfast staining the pages.
Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your
Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as
much fun reading it as I did writing it.
Jeff Kinney
September
Tuesday
First of all, let me get something straight: This
is a Journal, not a diary. I know what it
says on the cover, but when Mom went out to
buy this thing I specifically told her to
get one that didn’t say “diary” on it.
Great. All I need is for some jerk to catch me
carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.
The other thing I want to clear up right away
is that this was mom’s idea, not mine.
But if she thinks I’m going to write down my
“feelings” in here or whatever, she’s crazy. So
just don’t expect me to be all “Dear Diary” this
and “Dear Diary” that.
Sissy!
Punch
The only reason I agreed to do this at all is
because I figure later on when I’m rich and
famous, I’ll have better things to do than
answer people’s stupid questions all day long. So
this book is gonna come in handy.
Like I said, I’ll be famous one day, but for now
I’m stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.
Gregory!
tell us
about
your
childhood!
Were you
always
so smart
and
handsome?
Here’s my
journal.
Now
shoo,
shoo.
Flash
Morons
2
Let me just say for the record that I think
middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented.
You got kids like me who haven’t hit their
growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who
need to shave twice a day.
And then they wonder why bullying is such a big
problem in middle school.
If it was up to me, grade levels would be based
on height, not age. But then again, I guess
that would mean kids like Chirag Gupta would
still be in the first grade.
Outta my
way, runts!
3
Today is the first day of school, and right now
we’re just waiting around for the teacher to hurry
up and finish the seating chart. So I figured I
might as well write in this book to pass the time.
By the way, let me give you some good advice. On
the first day of school, you got to be real careful
where you sit. You walk into the classroom and just
plunk your stuff down on any old desk and the
next thing you know the teacher is saying—
So in this class, I got stuck with Chris Hosey in
front of me and Lionel James in back of me.
I hope you all like
where you’re sitting,
because these are your
permanent seats.
Gaah!
4
Jason Brill came in late and almost sat to my
right, but luckily I stopped that from happening
at the last second.
Next period, I should just sit in the middle of a
bunch of hot girls as soon as I step in the
room. But I guess if I do that, it just proves
I didn’t learn anything from last year.
Is this
seat
taken?
YES!
YES!
Greg, will
you please
pass this
note to
shelly?
Why,
certainly!
heh, heh.
Greg is
a dork.
5
Man, I don’t know what is up with girls these
days. It used to be a whole lot simpler back in
elementary school. The deal was, if you were the
fastest runner in your class, you got all the girls.
And in the fifth grade, the fastest runner was
Ronnie McCoy.
Nowadays, it’s a whole lot more complicated. Now
it’s about the kind of clothes you wear or how
rich you are or if you have a cute butt or whatever.
And kids like Ronnie McCoy are scratching their
heads wondering what the heck happened.
The most popular boy in my grade is Bryce
Anderson. The thing that really stinks is that
I have always been into girls, but kids like
Bryce have only come around in the last couple
of years.
6
I remember how Bryce used to act back in
elementary school.
But of course now I don’t get any credit for
sticking with the girls all this time.
Like I said, Bryce is the most popular kid in our
grade, so that leaves all the rest of us guys
scrambling for the other spots.
The best I can figure is that I’m somewhere
around 52nd or 53rd most popular this year.
But the good news is that I’m about to move
up one spot because Charlie Davies is above me,
and he’s getting his braces next week.
Girls are
stinky
poos!
Yeah!
I don’t think
girls are
stinky poos!
7
I try to explain all this popularity stuff to my
friend Rowley (who is probably hovering right
around the 150 mark, by the way), but I think
it just goes in one ear and out the other with him.
Today we had Phys Ed, so the first thing I
did when I got outside was sneak off to the
basketball court to see if the Cheese was still
there. And sure enough, it was.
Wednesday
8
That piece of Cheese has been sitting on the
blacktop since last spring. I guess it must’ve
dropped out of someone’s sandwich or something.
After a couple of days, the Cheese started getting
all moldy and nasty. Nobody would play basketball on
the court where the Cheese was, even though that
was the only court that had a hoop with a net.
Then one day, this kid named Darren Walsh
touched the Cheese with his finger, and that’s
what started this thing called the Cheese Touch.
It’s basically like the Cooties. If you get the
Cheese Touch, you’re stuck with it until you
pass it on to someone else.
The only way to protect yourself from the
Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers.
Scream!
9
But it’s not that easy remembering to keep your
fingers crossed every moment of the day. I ended
up taping mine together so they’d stay crossed
all the time. I got a D in handwriting, but it
was totally worth it.
This one kid named Abe Hall got the Cheese
Touch in April, and nobody would even come near
him for the rest of the year. This summer Abe
moved away to California and took the Cheese
Touch with him.
I just hope someone doesn’t start the Cheese
Touch up again, because I don’t need that kind
of stress in my life anymore.
I’m having a seriously hard time getting used
to the fact that summer is over and I have to
get out of bed every morning to go to school.
My summer did not exactly get off to a great
start, thanks to my older brother Rodrick.
Thursday
10
A couple of days into summer vacation, Rodrick
woke me up in the middle of the night. He told
me I slept through the whole summer, but that
luckily I woke up just in time for the first
day of school.
You might think I was pretty dumb for falling
for that one, but Rodrick was dressed up in his
school clothes and he set my alarm clock ahead to
make it look like it was the morning. Plus, he
closed my curtains so I couldn’t see that it was
still dark out.
After Rodrick woke me up, I just got dressed and
went downstairs to make myself some breakfast,
like I do every morning on a school day.
Shoot.
11
But I guess I must have made a pretty big
racket because the next thing I knew, Dad was
downstairs, yelling at me for eating Cheerios at
3:00 in the morning.
It took me a minute to figure out what the heck
was going on.
After I did, I told Dad that Rodrick had
played a trick on me, and He was the one that
should be getting yelled at.
Dad walked down to the basement to chew
Rodrick out, and I tagged along. I couldn’t
wait to see Rodrick get what was coming to him.
12
But Rodrick covered up his tracks pretty good.
And to this day, I’m sure Dad thinks I’ve
got a screw loose or something.
Today at school we got assigned to reading groups.
They don’t come right out and tell you if
you’re in the Gifted group or the Easy group,
but you can figure it out right away by looking
at the covers of the books they hand out.
Friday
EINSTEIN
AS A
CHILD
Bink
SAYS
BOO
boo
13
I was pretty disappointed to find out I got
put in the Gifted group, because that just means
a lot of extra work.
When they did the screening at the end of last
year, I did my best to make sure I got put in
the Easy group this year.
Mom is real tight with our principal, so I’ll bet
she stepped in and made sure I got put in the
Gifted group again.
Mom is always saying I’m a smart kid, but that
I just don’t “apply” myself.
Fred picked up
the buh… bah…
bee…
The “book.”
Whew.
thanks!
14
But if there’s one thing I learned from Rodrick,
it’s to set people’s expectations real low so you
end up surprising them by practically doing
nothing at all.
Rodrick, I want your
dirty underwear off
the kitchen table
before I get home
from work.
Grunt
Later…
15
Actually, I’m kind of glad my plan to get put
in the Easy group didn’t work.
I saw a couple of the “Bink Says Boo” kids
holding their books upside down, and I don’t
think they were joking.
Well, the first week of school is finally over, so
today I slept in.
Most kids wake up early on Saturday to watch
cartoons or whatever, but not me. The only reason
I get out of bed at all on weekends is because
eventually, I can’t stand the taste of my own
breath anymore.
Saturday
Smack
smack
16
Unfortunately, Dad wakes up at 6:00 in the
morning no matter what day of the week it
is, and he is not real considerate of the fact
that I am trying to enjoy my Saturday like
a normal person.
I didn’t have anything to do today so I just
headed up to Rowley’s house.
Rowley is technically my best friend, but that is
definitely subject to change.
I’ve been avoiding Rowley since the first day of
school, when he did something that really
annoyed me.
Vroom
17
We were getting our stuff from our lockers at
the end of the day, and Rowley came up to me
and said—
I have told Rowley at least a billion times that
now that we’re in middle school, you’re supposed
to say “hang out,” not “play.” But no matter
how many noogies I give him, he always forgets
the next time.
I’ve been trying to be a lot more careful about
my image ever since I got to middle school. But
having Rowley around is definitely not helping.
Want to come over
to my house and
Plaayyy?
18
I met Rowley a few years ago when he moved
into my neighborhood.
His mom bought him this book called “How to
Make Friends in New Places,” and he came to
my house trying all these dumb gimmicks.
I guess I kind of felt sorry for Rowley, and I
decided to take him under my wing.
It’s been great having him around, mostly because
I get to use all the tricks Rodrick pulls on me.
Knock Knock!
Thermos!
Thermos be some
way to tickle
your funny bone!
Huh?
Excuse me?
Say
what?
19
Did you know that if your hand
is bigger than your face it’s a
sign of “low intelligence”?
Really?
Ha!
gotcha!
Whap!
But do I
have “low
intelligence”?
Hmm… Let
me check
again.
20
You know how I said I play all sorts of pranks
on Rowley? Well, I have a little brother named
Manny, and I coul
d never get away with
pulling any of that stuff on him.
Mom and Dad protect Manny like he’s a prince or
something. And he never gets in trouble, even if
he really deserves it.
Yesterday, Manny drew a self-portrait on my
bedroom door in permanent marker. I thought
Mom and Dad were really going to let him have
it, but as usual, I was wrong.
Monday
Awwww…
21
But the thing that bugs me the most about
Manny is the nickname he has for me. When he
was a baby, he couldn’t pronounce “brother,”
so he started calling me “Bubby.” And he
still calls me that now, even though I keep
trying to get Mom and Dad to make him stop.
Luckily none of my friends have found out yet,
but believe me, I have had some really close calls.
Happy birthday, Greg
Hey, this one
says it’s to
“bubby”!
Must be
a mistake.
toss
22
Mom makes me help Manny get ready for school in
the morning. After I make Manny his breakfast,
he carries his cereal bowl into the family room and
sits on his plastic potty.
And when it’s time for him to go to day care, he
gets up and dumps whatever he didn’t eat right in
the toilet.
Mom is always getting on me about not finishing
my breakfast. But if she had to scrape corn
flakes out of the bottom of a plastic potty
every morning, she wouldn’t have much of an
appetite either.
“C” is for cookie
and cookie is
for me!
Ha!
Dump
23
I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I
am super good at video games. I’ll bet I
could beat anyone in my grade head-to-head.
Unfortunately, Dad does not exactly appreciate
my skills. He’s always getting on me about going
out and doing something “active.”
So tonight after dinner when Dad started
hassling me about going outside, I tried to
explain how with video games, you can play sports
like football and soccer, and you don’t even get all