“The problem with falling in love with a woman who is not in love with you,” Gideon said at last, “is that the sense of betrayal is as great as the heartbreak. Particularly if you believed she loved you as well. It’s a violation of your trust and shatters your belief in things you’ve always held true.”
“Love.” Norcroft nodded in a sage manner.
“Actually, I was referring to honor. Frankly, until then I had never given undue consideration to love. Oh, I had certain romantic notions fueled by literature and poetry but they centered more around gallantry and chivalry than love. But I had always believed in honesty and the sanctity of one’s word. That someone I could have intense feelings for did not share that belief was as devastating as everything else.” Gideon glanced at Norcroft. “More than you wished to know?”
“Not at all,” Norcroft said staunchly. “I am willing to listen for as long as you wish to talk. It’s most enlightening.” He paused for a moment. “However, I am a bit confused.”
Gideon snorted. “Aren’t we all?”
“Are we discussing Violet Smithfield or Lady Chester?”
“Both I think.” Gideon blew a long breath. “My past with Violet affects my present with Judith. I understand that. It makes perfect sense. It might explain as well why I wish to know everything about her.”
“Wouldn’t do to have an unexpected fiancé turn up again.”
“Oh, I knew about Violet’s fiancé.” Gideon shook his head. “What I didn’t know was that he was the man she wanted. She kept that secret from me quite well. I never even suspected the truth. Judith has all kinds of secrets and things she does not wish to talk about and I want to know everything about her.”
“To eliminate surprises?”
“Perhaps, but it’s more than that.” Gideon paused beneath a tree and snapped off a twig. “I’m not sure why or how but it’s more. It’s not so much a matter of trust as a matter of…thirst. Or hunger. To know how she thinks, what she feels, and why she is the woman she is today. Everything about her. Does that make sense?”
“Not at all. Go on.”
“Judith and I agreed at the beginning to be honest with one another and I’m confident she has been honest in everything she has said to me. It’s what she hasn’t revealed that concerns me.”
“So it’s not your past that you fear but hers?”
“Possibly.”
“The past always shapes the future. It’s the nature of man.” Norcroft studied Gideon for a thoughtful moment. “Forgive me for being obtuse but I don’t understand why this is a concern at all. I was under the impression that what was between you and Lady Chester was of a temporary nature. Enjoyable interlude, I believe you called it. Nothing at all serious.”
“It was,” Gideon said simply. “Or at least it was intended to be.”
“And now?”
“Now?” Gideon blew a long breath. “I don’t know. I don’t know what she wants. I don’t know what I want.”
“I see.”
“Do you?”
“Not really.” Norcroft shrugged. “I might understand all this better if I were warm.”
“Nonsense. The cold makes one’s blood move which surely assists in thinking.” Gideon started off down the path.
“I know what I’m thinking,” Norcroft muttered and fell into step beside him.
“My aunt is right, though,” Gideon said more to himself than to his friend. “Judith is not the type of wife I should be seeking.”
“So marriage has raised its ugly head now, has it?”
“It all seems to lead to that, doesn’t it?” Gideon slanted a glance at the other man. “My aunt feels Judith might not be able to bear children. If she is right, marriage to Judith would mean the end of my line. Certainly I have cousins who would inherit my title, but the Pearsalls would be at an end. I have always considered it my sole responsibility in life to make certain that does not happen. But now…”
“Now you are torn between doing what you should do and what you want to do.” Norcroft chose his words with care. “It seems to me that you would not be discussing marriage if love was not a consideration as well.”
“That’s a distinct possibility.” As soon as he said the words he knew Norcroft was right. Love was indeed a consideration.
“If it is love you wish to talk about, I fear you have come to the wrong man. Helmsley is—”
“I have no desire to talk to Helmsley about this,” Gideon said firmly.
“About her you mean.”
“Yes. Blast it all, Norcroft, I realize it’s irrational. The relationship between Helmsley and Judith is long over. I understand that. She and I are both adults with histories of our own that have nothing to do with one another. But…” He snapped the twig in his hand. “I don’t like it. I don’t like that she’s been with Helmsley and I don’t like that they remain friends. I don’t like that she’s been with other men at all.” His voice hardened. “And I’m not at all pleased that she’s been married before.”
Norcroft’s eyes widened. “I see.”
“Don’t look at me like that. I am not a raving lunatic.” Gideon tossed away the pieces of twig and brushed off his hands. “I am simply—”
“Jealous?” Norcroft said in a helpful manner.
“Not at all.” Gideon met the other man’s gaze. “Or insanely so.” It was true even if he hadn’t acknowledged it to himself yet. “I find I don’t want her to have lived before that moment when our eyes met at the Twelfth Night Ball. I want her life to have started with me. Only me.”
“Then, as I see it, you have two choices.” Norcroft studied his friend. “You can go on with your life precisely as you have planned. Do exactly what’s expected of you. Find a suitable wife. Possibly continue as you are with Lady Chester—”
Gideon shook his head. “She would not be willing to do so if I were married. Nor, I think, would I ask her to.”
“Very well then. You live your life as expected and you do it without Lady Chester. Or…” Norcroft paused.
“Or?”
“Or you can abandon all the expectations you’ve lived with your entire life until now and follow your heart.”
Gideon grimaced. “My heart is as confused as my head.”
“It seems to me that you can live your life the way others think you should and be unhappy,” Norcroft said slowly, “or you can live your life in a manner that will make you happy. Life is entirely too short to waste on regrets. Of course, I am a selfish sort.” Norcroft’s gaze locked with his. “I want to meet those expectations as well as be happy. But then I have not yet met a woman who would make such a choice necessary.”
“What would you do?”
“Oh no.” Norcroft shook his head. “This is not my dilemma. However, I do think the first thing you need to do is determine your feelings. And hers.”
Gideon blew a long breath. “I have as little idea how she feels as I do how I feel.” He thought for a moment. “But there is a kinship between us, Norcroft. A bond of sorts. It was immediate and has not faded even a bit. At first, I thought it was simply desire.”
“And now?”
“Now…” Gideon shook his head.
“Now we have come full circle. Back to love.”
“It’s a wicked circle, I think.” Gideon sighed. “Love, that is.”
Norcroft chuckled. “So I’ve heard.”
“She and I have not discussed love,” Gideon murmured. He had intended to bring up the topic, casually, as if it were of no importance. But it had never seemed the right time. He wondered now if he hadn’t failed to introduce the subject of love because he feared what she might say. Or what he might confess. Or admit. “Indeed, I was under the distinct impression love was not to enter into our arrangement at all. Not that we ever said as much. I think—”
“Bloody hell, Warton.” Norcroft stopped and glared at his friend. “You are the last person in the world I would ever have described as indecisive. You’ve asked for my advice—�
�
Gideon stared. “I don’t recall asking for your advice.”
“You asked what I would do.”
“That was hypothetical and about—”
“I have no idea what I would do and it scarcely matters. But here’s what I think you should do.” Norcroft ticked the points off on his finger. “First, I would determine if Lady Chester feels any affection for you whatsoever. Secondly, you need to recognize or accept or simply understand your own feelings. Are you in love or aren’t you?”
“I—”
“If you’re going to say you don’t know, I would prefer not to hear it,” Norcroft snapped. “If you don’t know your own feelings, or claim you don’t, that alone is an indication that you are in a position you have never been in before. For good or ill.”
Gideon raised a brow. “That was advice?”
Norcroft shrugged. “It’s the best I can do.”
“Still, I think you might have something,” Gideon said thoughtfully. “I can’t make any decisions about anything until I know how she feels. Until I understand how I feel. If indecision alone is an indication”—he chuckled—“perhaps I am in love.”
“Or mad,” Norcroft muttered.
“One and the same, I would think. Now, old man.” Gideon clapped his friend on the back. “I think a warm fire and a brandy is long overdue.” He grinned. “It’s damnably cold out here.”
Chapter 9
“S urely there is somewhere else we need to be this evening?” Gideon murmured into Judith’s ear while keeping a polite smile on his face. “Perhaps, I don’t know, trapped in a burning building?”
Judith’s gaze skimmed Susanna’s crowded ballroom and she resisted the urge to laugh. “Come now, Gideon, it’s not that bad.”
“We were just here a fortnight ago.” Gideon nodded to an acquaintance who smiled knowingly at Gideon and Judith. “I wouldn’t hazard to think what entertainment by her less-than-talented nieces and nephews Lady Dinsmore might have in store for a gathering this size. Good Lord.” A look of sheer horror passed over Gideon’s face. “You don’t think she’d make them all perform together, do you? Like some sort of grand, off-key chorus?”
“Don’t be absurd.” Judith bit back a grin. “It’s a ball, not one of Susanna’s typical entertainments. There is music and dancing, and I would wager not one of her relations will be pressed into service for the torture of her guests.”
“Thank God,” he murmured and gazed down at her. “Still, I was rather hoping for a quiet evening together. I have a great deal I wish to talk to you about.”
“Do you?” She raised a brow. “Anything of a serious nature?”
“Intensely serious.” His tone was light but there was indeed a somber gleam in his eye. He heaved a resigned sigh. “It can wait, I suppose.”
“I’m not sure I like it when you’re serious.”
“Then for you, and for you alone, I shall endeavor to be nothing but lighthearted and gay for the remainder of the evening.” He cast her a hopeful look. “A short evening perhaps?”
“Perhaps. But…” There was nothing she would like better than to spend the evening talking with Gideon. Talking with Gideon was almost as much fun as being in his arms. It was the oddest thing. The more she was with him, the more she wanted to be with him. Still, they had plenty of time to be together and later to night they would be. She shrugged in a helpless manner. “Susanna has been planning this ball for months. It’s in celebration of her grandmother’s birthday, you know.”
Gideon nodded at an elderly woman seated at the far end of the ballroom surrounded by various other guests, all, no doubt, relations. “The antique at the end of the room?”
Judith choked back a laugh. “If you’re referring to the distinguished elderly lady, then yes, that is the dowager marchioness, the matriarch of Susanna’s family.”
Gideon considered the older woman. “She looks like she’s eaten something that has disagreed with her.”
“At her age I suspect everything disagrees with her.” Judith studied the lady thoughtfully. “Still, it must be quite wonderful to reach advanced age and find yourself surrounded by your children and their children. Family, people who care for you, who will miss you when you’re gone from this world.” A familiar pang of longing stabbed Judith and she thrust it aside. Silly, really, to envy what you could never have.
He glanced down at her. “You will be missed.”
“Not like that.” An annoying wistful note sounded in her voice.
“Why not?”
She shook her head. “One accepts the realities of one’s life, Gideon. What can be and what will be and what can never be. One’s destiny, as it were. And that, dear man, is far too somber a topic for to night.” She firmly ignored the sense of regret that washed through her and cast him a brilliant smile. “And as much as I would love to spend the evening alone with you engaged in conversation or anything else, we are indeed trapped here. It would not do to leave too early, especially since Susanna says the queen is expected to make an appearance.”
“I doubt in this crowd our absence would be noted by the queen or anyone else.”
“Susanna would notice and I would not offend her for the world. She is my dearest friend.”
“Your dearest female friend,” he said under his breath.
She stared at him. “What an odd thing to say.”
“It is odd and uncalled for and you have my apologies.” He smiled. “I have a great deal on my mind.”
She studied him. “If one didn’t know better, one might think there was a touch of jealousy in your comment.”
“Just a touch?” He cast her a genuine smile.
Judith had no desire to experience a man’s jealousy ever again. But this was Gideon, who was not the least bit like Lucian, and in spite of herself it was hard not to be a little pleased. If he was jealous, perhaps he cared. Not that it mattered. They would not be together for long. Still, it was nice.
“Just a touch,” she said firmly.
“Judith!” Susanna swept up to them in a flurry of rustling skirts and a cloud of determination. Her mass of dark curls was, as always, the tiniest bit disheveled, as if her hair had a mind entirely its own. She brushed a kiss across Judith’s cheek. “I am so glad to see you.”
“You saw me when we came in.” Judith grinned. “Or was it another Lady Dinsmore who greeted us upon our arrival?”
“No, no, it was me. I am thankfully the only Lady Dinsmore left.” She glanced at Gideon. “My mother-in-law was an overbearing woman who thought she knew everything about everything. Rather like your aunt, I should think.” Her eyes widened and she stared at Gideon. “Dear Lord, I can’t believe I said that.”
“I can’t believe you said it either.” Gideon chuckled. “Although it was most insightful of you.”
“Nonetheless you have my apologies, my lord.” Susanna smiled weakly. “I am a bit overwhelmed tonight”—she waved at the gathering—“with all this. Having a large family is usually quite wonderful but at the moment I have one sister criticizing everything from the quality of the champagne to what the orchestra is wearing. Another helpfully trying to solve problems that don’t actually exist. Two sisters-in-law who have decided this is the perfect time to stop speaking to each other. Brothers who have vanished altogether. Several nieces flirting outrageously with the obvious intention of provoking scandal or at the very least gossip, and cousins too numerous to mention all doing their very best to drive me mad.”
Gideon stared in disbelief or perhaps terror. Not that anyone would blame him. Susanna’s extensive relations were enough to strike fear into the hearts of the uninitiated.
“So all is progressing exactly as expected?” Judith grinned at her friend.
“Unfortunately yes.” Susanna laughed and turned to Gideon. “Would you mind terribly if I were to steal Judith for a few moments? I saw your aunt earlier. You might wish to find her or…” She gestured aimlessly. “Well, something. I desperately need to speak t
o Judith on a matter of some importance.”
Judith raised a brow. “Another family crisis?”
“Not yet.” The slightest look of unease washed across Susanna’s face.
Judith glanced at Gideon.
“I find I am exceptionally parched,” Gideon said at once. “May I fetch the two of you some refreshment?”
“That would be lovely. And most appreciated.” Susanna nodded gratefully, hooked her arm through Judith’s, and briskly steered her away.
Judith glanced over her shoulder at Gideon, who shrugged and grinned with obvious amusement. She glanced at her friend. “What ever is the matter?”
“Nothing really.” Susanna stopped a passing waiter, grabbed a glass of champagne for herself, handed one to Judith, then led her out a side door and into the corridor that served both the ballroom and the music room and could lead one to Susanna’s terrace. “This will do.”
Judith studied her friend curiously. “This will do for what?”
“For the moment.” Susanna downed her champagne, then looked at her empty glass with disgust and dropped it into a potted palm. “It wouldn’t do to have anything but champagne for to night, you know. Frankly, I thought if the entire family was to be on hand we should have something much stronger than champagne available. A nice punch with brandy and rum might be up to the task.” She shook her head. “No one would dare to miss Grandmother’s birthday. They all live in fear that when she passes on she will leave all her money to orphaned cats or some other charitable organization.”
Judith tried not to laugh. “Orphaned cats?”
Susanna grinned. “Something of that nature. It’s just the sort of thing Grandmother would do to thwart the more mercenary members of the family. At any rate.” Susanna sobered. “I gather your adventure with Lord Warton continues.”
Judith sipped her wine. “Indeed it does.”
“You’ve been together for more than a month now.”
“Indeed we have.”
Susanna’s brow furrowed. “That’s longer than your adventures have ever lasted.”
Judith grinned. “Indeed it is.”
A Little Bit Wicked Page 14