“For what?” Her chin snapped up.
“Cowardly behavior.” He moved toward her. “Can you deny that you feel something for me?”
“Don’t be absurd, of course I feel something for you.” She turned away and glanced at the window, avoiding his gaze. He suspected she wished to look anywhere but at him. Because she wanted to end it? Or because she didn’t? “We shall always be good, good friends.”
“Friends?” He fairly spat the word. “Friends?”
“Yes,” she said firmly, “friends.” She drew a deep breath and smiled. “Now, if you will forgive me, I should be on my way.” She turned away from him and started toward the door.
He couldn’t let her go. “Wait.” Not like this. She paused, her hand on the door handle, her back to him. Not at all. “What did you feel, Judith, the first time you looked into my eyes?”
Her shoulders straightened. “I felt you had very nice eyes.”
He stepped toward her. “Nothing more than that?”
“No,” she said firmly. “Nothing more.”
“Do you want to know what I felt?” He moved closer.
“I don’t think that is—”
He was right behind her now. Close enough to kiss the back of her neck. To pull her into his arms. And keep her there. “I felt excitement. Anticipation. Magic.”
“Don’t be—”
“When I gazed into the blue of your eyes, I felt something quite remarkable. As though I wasn’t merely looking into your eyes but peering into your very soul. And it touched mine.” His breath caught. “And made me whole.”
“Stop it.” She rested her forehead against the door. “Please.”
“I felt as if I’d been struck.” He leaned forward and spoke low beside her ear. “Le coup de foudre, Judith, bolt of lightning. That’s what I felt the first time I looked into your eyes. And every time thereafter.”
For a long moment she was silent, and he held his breath.
“Sometimes, Gideon.” There was the slightest tremble in her voice, as if she was fighting back tears or struggling with emotions too intense to control. “The light lasts only for a moment. And no more.” She yanked the door open and was gone before he could say another word.
Shock froze him in place and stole his breath. How could she simply waltz out of his life as if he—as if they—didn’t matter? Damn it all, he loved her. Certainly he hadn’t actually said it but surely she knew. Just as he knew she loved him. As much as she tried to hide it, he could hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes.
He wasn’t sure why she’d decided to leave him now unless she was still angry with him. But that would indeed be irrational, and for the most part Judith was not an irrational woman. It all had to do with her late husband, he was certain of that. And, damnation, when he’d told her she still held on to her past, her husband was what he’d meant. Gideon certainly hadn’t intended for her to decide he was part of the past she needed to put behind her. Not bloody likely.
Blast it all, he was her present and her future even if he hadn’t fully realized it until right now. Admittedly he’d been slow to come to the realization that he did indeed love her, that they belonged together, but his own past had taught him to be cautious when it came to matters of the heart. He was willing now, even eager, to take that leap of faith that love required. Regardless of the repercussions, he could not live his life without her. He moved toward the door, and it swung open abruptly.
“My lord,” Wells started.
“You needn’t bother to announce me.” Violet pushed past the butler. “I am here now.” She fixed Wells with a commanding eye. “Although tea would be nice.” She turned to Gideon and cast him her most potent smile. “Good day, Gideon.”
Gideon’s jaw tensed. The last thing he needed or wanted right now was anything having to do with Violet. He forced a civil note to his voice. “I am on my way out so if you would be so kind as to—”
“But I’ve come to apologize and give you another chance.”
If he hurried, he might still be able to catch Judith’s carriage. “Violet, I don’t have time for any more of your nonsense.”
“It’s not nonsense and you do have time. She’s already gone.” She raised a brow. “I assume you’re running after Lady Chester.”
“You saw her then?”
“I could scarcely miss her.” Violet sniffed. “The woman practically knocked me over in her hurry to get to her carriage.”
“I see.” Violet was right. It was pointless to run after Judith now. He would find her later. No matter what she’d said, this was far from over. “What do you want?”
“I told you. I wish to apologize if I upset you in any way by my choice of guests.”
He snorted. “I am not the one to whom you owe an apology. Perhaps you should have apologized to Lady Chester on your way in.”
Violet shrugged. “I’m fairly certain she didn’t even see me. She was in rather a hurry.” She studied him curiously. “You must have had a nasty argument.”
“It was nothing of significance.” Unless, of course, Judith had noted Violet’s arrival and took it entirely the wrong way. He groaned to himself. That was an additional complication he didn’t need. “Very well then, your apology is acknowledged.”
“Not accepted?”
“No. Is that all?”
“No.” She huffed. “Gideon.” A contrite smile curved her lips. “I should very much like to have another chance.”
“Another chance for what,” he said absently. On the other hand, a tiny bit of jealousy on Judith’s part might be useful.
“For you and me.”
“What?” His attention snapped to Violet.
“I thought you’d like that.” She smiled in an overly smug manner.
He stared in horror. “Why on earth would you think I’d like that? I thought I had made myself perfectly clear.”
“You might have indicated a certain lack of interest, but that was before you and Lady Chester went your separate ways.”
“We have not gone our separate ways.”
“She looked very much like a woman who was going her separate way.”
He gritted his teeth and prayed for the strength to keep from strangling Violet with his bare hands. “Regardless of what it looked like—”
“Come now, Gideon.” She waved away his comment. “This pretense of yours that you no longer have feelings for me is becoming tiresome. You are simply trying to make me earn your affection. I understand that, truly I do. I was quite vile to you, and I realize you can never completely forgive me, but I am willing to spend the rest of my life making amends.”
“Violet!” What on earth had come over the woman?
She moved toward him. “You loved me once, and even if you don’t completely love me at the moment, surely you can love me again.”
She couldn’t possibly be serious. He backed away. “I am sorry, Violet, but I have put all of that—I have put you—behind me.”
“I make an excellent wife.” She stepped closer.
“Nonetheless—”
“Can’t you find it in your heart to give me the opportunity to redeem myself?” She moved to within an inch of him and gazed into his eyes. “To earn back your love.”
He stared. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Gideon. I…” Her violet eyes widened. “I need you.”
Without warning the years vanished. It was another day, another time. And another Gideon altogether. He shook his head. “Violet, I—”
“Gideon.” A catch sounded in her voice, and she trailed her fingers over the lapels of his coat. “I have always loved you in my fashion. Now we can be together. And I want to be yours forever.”
Surely she didn’t mean it. Violet couldn’t possibly love him. And even if she did, he didn’t love her. If indeed she was sincere, she had his sympathy but nothing beyond that.
“Well?” A faint note of impatience sounded in Violet’s voice. “Aren’t you going to say something?
”
At once, he realized the truth. What ever she was up to, it was clear that Violet loved him no more now than she had nine years ago. Relief washed through him. He had no desire to hurt her as she had hurt him. And that too was a relief. “You nearly had me there for a moment.” He chuckled and moved away. “I was starting to feel…well, something for you. I was starting to believe that you had changed. That you were sincere, even honest. For a moment I thought there was a possibility that you did indeed care for me.”
“I do care for you,” she said staunchly.
He raised a brow.
“Well, I do.” She huffed, swiveled on her heel, and retreated to the nearest chair. She sank into it like a deflated sail. “We could be quite wonderful together.”
He studied her carefully. “What do you really want?”
“Aside from you?” she said brightly.
He ignored her.
“I want what any woman wants. Home, family, security.” She toyed with the arm of the chair. “Money.”
“Money?” He grinned. “So that’s what this is about.”
“Don’t be crude, Gideon. One doesn’t discuss money. I would much prefer to discuss love, affection, that sort of thing.”
His grin widened even though he knew he shouldn’t find this the least bit amusing. “Violet, are you—”
“I am a bit short on funds at the moment,” she said loftily. “Nothing significant.”
“Violet?”
“Very well. I need money. A great deal of money really, my expenses are considerable.” She heaved a heartfelt sigh. “And I haven’t a feather to fly with.” She narrowed her eyes. “There, now are you happy?”
“Not at all,” he said and tried to wipe the smile from his face. “How on earth did this happen? I thought Lord Braxton had quite a tidy fortune.”
“William wasn’t very good with money. I had no idea we were living well above our means. He was sheltering me. It was quite dear of him really. Pity he had to die,” she murmured.
“Damn inconvenient of him.”
She sighed. “Wasn’t it though?”
“What about your family?”
“There’s nothing there either. My father’s title, of course, along with his country holdings, went to a cousin. My mother was left with the house in town and an insignificant fortune which she managed to squander before her death. And now the house is mine although it’s a terrible expense. I might have to sell it and I should hate to do so. It’s been in my family for generations.” She glanced up at him in a mournful manner. “Did you know I was an orphan now? A widow and an orphan? With children.” She sighed dramatically. “I am all alone in this cruel, cruel world.”
“Except for the children.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Yes, of course.”
“And your husband’s family is of no help?”
“Up to now, I have been dependent upon his family for support. They have done so for the sake of the children, after all, my son is the next title holder. Indeed they are paying for my house here in London. But they have grown weary of my expenses.” She blew a resigned breath. “They are urging me to marry. To that end, they have selected a potential husband who is apparently quite amenable to the match.”
“Old and wealthy, I imagine.”
“Scandalously rich but not much older than you. He’s not a bad sort really but, dear Lord, Gideon.” She rose to her feet and paced the room, wringing her hands together. “He is nearly a foot shorter than I am. Do you have any idea what it’s like to dance with a man nearly a foot shorter than you? Why, his nose is practically nestled in my bosom.”
Gideon choked back a laugh.
“It’s not at all funny. When I gaze down upon him I have an excellent view of his balding head. Gideon, do marry me, save me from an unwanted marriage.”
He laughed. “Violet, you must come up with a new script. I have seen this play before.”
“It could have a much happier ending for you this time,” she said hopefully.
“I eloped with you once to try to save you from an unwanted marriage. Even if now the marriage truly is unwanted”—he shook his head—“I have no intention of doing it again.”
“Are you certain? There is no dishonor in changing your mind, you know.” She smiled in an enticing manner. “We could have a lovely life together.”
He chose his words carefully. “There was a time when I would have given a great deal to hear those words, but even then, Violet…” His gaze met hers firmly. “It would have been a mistake.”
“You’re probably right.” She cast him a disappointed glance. “I had no idea you were so sanctimonious. I am not fond of sanctimony.”
“Understandable.”
“I should be off then.” She started toward the door. “Apparently I have a wedding to arrange. Pity it isn’t ours.” She glanced back at him. “Do you have any wealthy, unmarried friends who might be suitable for me? Preferably tall, with hair?”
He laughed. “You haven’t changed in the least, Violet. You’re still trying to use me to get what you want.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. I probably haven’t changed. But then neither have you. Nine years later, and once again you are in love with a woman who doesn’t want you.” She smiled in a knowing manner. “Good day, Gideon.”
“Good day, Violet.” He kept a pleasant smile on his face until the door was safely closed behind her, then allowed it to fade. He walked slowly to his desk and sat down behind it.
Once again you are in love with a woman who doesn’t want you.
No, Violet was wrong. She had no idea what she was talking about. Violet knew nothing whatsoever of the relationship between Judith and him. Beyond that, Violet didn’t know him at all and, in truth, never really had.
Still, what if he was wrong about Judith’s feelings? He’d been wrong once before, and it had left him shattered even if he now realized what he’d felt for Violet was a pale imitation of what he felt for Judith. And his heart hadn’t been broken as much as his pride and his illusions. It wasn’t love at all. His feelings for Judith were entirely different. Deeper, richer…more. How much worse would it be now?
Your arrogance will be your downfall.
Was it arrogance that made him think that Judith loved him as he loved her? Arrogance that made him refuse to believe that she truly wished to end their relationship? Arrogance that fueled his certainty that her decision had more to do with her past than with him?
He rested his elbows on the desk and buried his face in his hands. Was he wrong? Was he as mired in his past as she was in hers? Doomed to repeat his mistakes again? And this time lose his soul forever?
“Gideon?” Aunt Louisa’s voice sounded from the doorway.
He drew a deep breath, composed himself, and raised his head. “Yes?”
“I saw Lady Braxton leave and I understand Lady Chester was here before her.” Aunt Louisa approached the desk, genuine concern on her face. “Are you all right, my boy?”
“Am I all right?” I have just decided to honor the wishes of the love of my life, the other half of my soul, and allow her to walk out of my life. And I already feel her loss with an ache so intense, death would not be as painful. “Yes, of course.” He got to his feet. “I am quite well, thank you.” He adopted a polite smile and started for the door. “I may be found at my club later if you have need of me.”
“Gideon?” Aunt Louisa drew her brows together. “I know you have no feelings for Lady Braxton, therefore I assume it is Lady Chester who has put that devastated look in your eye.”
“There is no look in my eye, devastated or otherwise. However.” He forced an unemotional tone to his voice. “You have no further need to worry about my involvement with Lady Chester. We have agreed to stop seeing one another.”
“I see,” she murmured.
“She—we—thought it would be for the best.”
“No doubt.” She studied him intently as if she was trying to read his thoughts or
his heart. “And you are…pleased about it? Happy with this decision?”
“Happiness is of no particular concern.” He nodded and again turned toward the door. A great deal of alcohol would not make him feel better, but with luck it would make him feel nothing at all. And that was preferable to feeling entirely too much. He paused and turned back to his aunt. “Oh, and if your list of suitable prospective brides is available, I should like to have a look at it. It’s past time I get on with my life. Fulfill my duties, live up to my responsibilities, that sort of thing.”
“Yes, of course,” she said faintly.
“Excellent.” He nodded and left the room. He called for his carriage, then decided instead to walk the distance to his club. Gideon did like walking. It helped if one wanted to think or provided a distraction if one didn’t.
If Judith was determined to put him in the past, so be it. He had meant what he’d said to Helmsley. He would never again offer his heart to a woman who did not want it. Still, Judith would own his heart always. Whether she wanted it or not.
Chapter 15
“W hat on earth is going on here?”
Judith looked up from the notebook in her hand and stared across the packing crates stacked throughout her parlor. Dear Lord, what is she doing here? Judith drew a deep breath. “Good day, Lady Radbury. I must say this is a surprise.”
“The surprise, Lady Chester, is mine.” The older woman’s gaze skimmed the room. “What ever are you up to?”
“I should think it would be rather obvious.” Judith smiled pleasantly. “I am packing.”
“Indeed it is obvious,” Gideon’s aunt said sharply. “The question is where are you going and why.”
“I am going to Paris, and there I hope to join an expedition forming to collect orchids in Colombia.”
Lady Radbury stared in disbelief. “Are you insane?”
Judith shook her head. “Not at all.”
“You’re going to South America to pick flowers?”
“I am going to Colombia to hunt orchids,” Judith said firmly.
Lady Radbury sniffed. “Well, it’s the maddest thing I have ever heard.” She drew her brows together. “You do realize you’re a woman, don’t you?”
A Little Bit Wicked Page 24