“I am aware of that fact. But I shall not be the first woman to join such an expedition, and I daresay I will not be the last.”
“I don’t know what the world is coming to,” Lady Radbury said under her breath and picked her way around the crates. “When did you decide this?”
“A few days ago, but I have considered it for years.”
“When are you leaving?” Lady Radbury stopped and peered into a crate.
“As soon as arrangements can be made.”
“I see.” Lady Radbury glanced at her. “Rather an extreme means of escape, don’t you think?”
“It’s not a means of escape at all. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do,” Judith said slowly. “The opportunity has arisen to do so and—”
Lady Radbury pulled a Meissen shepherdess from a nest of wood shavings and studied it. “And what about Gideon?”
“What about Gideon?”
Lady Radbury raised a brow. “We’re going to play that game, are we? Very well then.” She carefully replaced the figurine in the crate, made her way to the sofa, and sat down. “Come join me, Judith, we need to talk.”
“I should love to chat with you, Louisa, but I have a great deal to accomplish here and not a lot of time in which to do it.” Judith waved at the sea of crates. “This room alone will take another day or so. I need to meet with my solicitor and arrange for a friend to keep my dog.”
“You’re planning on being gone a long time then?”
“At least six months, possibly a year.” Maybe forever. “I am considering leasing the house in my absence, therefore I plan to store the furnishings until I return.”
“As you will be gone such a long time, surely you can take a few moments now.” Louisa patted the sofa beside her.
Judith hesitated. She had no desire to hear whatever it was that Gideon’s aunt wished to say. She had no desire to speak of him at all. It was enough that he was in her mind every minute, enough that everything she saw or touched reminded her of him and reminded her as well of what she could never have.
Louisa rolled her gaze toward the ceiling. “Please.”
“As you wish.” Judith placed the notebook on the edge of the nearest crate and signaled to the maids packing crates near the windows to leave. She skirted a precarious stack of still empty containers and settled in a chair near the sofa. She folded her hands in her lap and waited for the other woman to begin.
“I was”—Louisa closed her eyes for a moment as if praying for divine guidance—“wrong. I thought I should say that before I go any further.”
“You were?” Judith stared. “I must say you have taken me by surprise. We scarcely know one another at all, but the admission that you might have been incorrect about something strikes me as completely out of character.”
“My dear Judith, it is. You have no idea how much it pains me to admit I might have been wrong about anything, let alone anything important.” Louisa heaved a dramatic sigh. “But there you have it. I was wrong.”
Judith chose her words carefully. “Dare I ask what you were wrong about?”
“Gideon. You. You and Gideon together.” Louisa gestured in an aimless manner. “But mostly Gideon.”
“You think I am not the wrong woman for him after all?”
Louisa snorted. “Oh no, I think you’re utterly wrong for him. You’re not at all what he needs in a wife. You’re completely unsuitable.”
“I believe we’ve had this discussion before,” Judith said coolly. “And you have nothing to concern yourself with now because Lord Warton and I have agreed to end our—”
“What I was wrong about, my dear Judith, is declaring that I didn’t care about his happiness. I do care.” She fixed Judith with a firm stare. “Very much so.”
Judith shook her head. “I fail to see what Lord Warton’s happiness has to do with me.”
“Then I was wrong about you as well,” Louisa snapped. “You’re not nearly as intelligent as I thought.”
“That’s a distinct possibility,” Judith said sharply, then forced a note of calm. “Louisa, I—”
“He’s miserable, you know. He has been for the last few days, but today, after you left…” Louisa shook her head. “There’s a look in his eyes today as if he has lost something he treasured more than life itself.”
An ache formed in the back of Judith’s throat.
“If you don’t know already, he is in love with you, and I strongly suspect you are in love with him as well. Especially now that I see the lengths you are willing to go to to put him out of your life.”
“Louisa, I—”
“Judith, through these weeks that you and he have been together I have seen my nephew in a way I have never seen him before. For the first time since I have shared his house he has been, well…” She sighed in resignation. “Happy. Truly happy. If being with you makes him happy, then it’s nothing short of sheer stupidity for the two of you not to be together.”
“You don’t understand.” Judith shook her head. “I have no desire to marry again.”
“That is stupid.” Louisa huffed. “You do realize my only objections to you were age and your in dependence, and then there is your somewhat exaggerated reputation. But I also think you are a…a good person and you are certainly good for him.” She narrowed her eyes. “Why don’t you wish to marry again? Most women do. Even I would probably marry again given the right gentleman.”
“For the very reasons you mentioned. I value my in dependence.” Judith shrugged. “Marriage once was enough.”
Louisa studied her for a thoughtful moment. “Gideon would never hurt you.”
“Did he say something to you?” Judith said without thinking.
“No. Not a word.” Louisa stared in an assessing manner. “The apple does not fall far from the tree, you know.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Judith said slowly.
“I knew your late husband’s mother before her marriage although she was little more than an acquaintance. I saw her on rare occasions after her marriage as well. She was a timid thing and quite clumsy. Always falling down stairs or out of carriages, absurd little accidents. Insignificant incidents, really, unless one took them as a whole. It was yet another accident that took her life.” Her gaze met Judith’s directly. “Her husband was a violent man. I didn’t know him but I knew of him. No one, save perhaps his children, mourned at his death.”
Judith drew a steadying breath. “I loved my husband and he loved me.”
“And Gideon loves you now. And you love him.”
Judith chose her words with care. “Have you ever considered, Louisa, the possibility that he might not hurt me but that I will hurt him?”
Louisa stared for a long moment, then smiled. “No.” She rose to her feet. “But he is hurting now.”
Judith stood. “I never wanted that.”
“Then go to him, Judith, tell him of your feelings. For goodness’ sakes, marry the man. Unless…” Louisa paused thoughtfully. “Unless I’m wrong. You do love him, don’t you?”
“No, I don’t,” Judith said quickly but not quickly enough.
“I knew it. I am never wrong.”
Judith scoffed.
Louisa ignored her. “You do not lie well, my dear, we shall have to work on that. One should never be too honest with men, especially husbands. Once you and Gideon are married—”
“I am not going to marry Lord Warton.” Judith stared at the other woman. “Why won’t you believe me?”
“Because it was recently pointed out to me that nothing is as important in one’s life as happiness.” Louisa smiled in a satisfied manner. “I intend to see my nephew happy. And you make him happy. And if you are happy as well, I shall be, if not precisely happy, then content.”
“You do understand he has never spoken of love and he has not asked me to marry him?”
“Mere trifles.” Louisa waved dismissively. “Men are usually slow to commit to either love or marriage. But mark my words, he
will.”
“I am going to South America,” Judith said firmly.
“I doubt that. However, if you are going”—Louisa grinned—“I would wager you are not going alone. Did you know when Gideon was a little boy he wished to be an explorer?” She chuckled. “He will love the jungle.”
“He would hate the jungle.” Judith stared.
“He will love it because you are there.” Louisa moved toward the door, deftly skirting the open crates and stacked containers. “You should know that I am not above manipulating people’s lives. In fact I rather enjoy it.” She cast Judith a triumphant smile. “Welcome to the family. Good day.”
“Good day,” Judith murmured and sank back into the chair.
Gideon loved her? She had suspected, maybe even hoped, but knowing only made matters worse. She loved him and he loved her and it didn’t matter. She had failed one man she’d thought she’d loved. She would not fail the one she truly did. If Louisa was right, if Gideon did love her, all the more reason for her to get out of his life. And spend the rest of her days alone.
No. Determination swept through her, and she got to her feet. She was tired of living her life alone and she refused to do it any longer.
And there was only one person more alone in the world than she was.
Chester House never failed to provoke feelings of unease in Judith. Even on the brightest days the house maintained an air of gloom and the shadows stretched endlessly. Through the years she had lived here she had never been able to consider it home. She had, on occasion, even wondered if there were unseen creatures inhabiting the house beyond those of the mortal world.
“What ever are you doing here?” Alexandra stepped cautiously into the parlor.
“I have come to see you.” Judith smiled brightly. “Sister, dear.”
Alexandra’s eyes narrowed. “Why?”
“I wished to tell you of my plans.” Judith clasped her hands together and braced herself. “I’ve decided to travel to Colombia to hunt for orchids.”
Alexandra stared at her. “Where?”
“Colombia.” Judith shrugged. “It’s in South America.”
“I know where it is,” Alexandra said slowly, “I didn’t mean where so much as I meant why.”
“Why?” Because I need to get as far away from Gideon as I possibly can. “Because it’s time. Past time, really. I should have done this years ago.”
“Boring lectures and that glass house of yours aren’t enough for you? You want to tramp through a jungle as well?”
“It shall be a grand adventure, and like any grand adventure it shall be even better when shared with someone.”
Alexandra raised a brow. “Your Lord Warton is going with you?”
“No.” Judith casually moved to the nearest sofa and seated herself. “You are.”
“Me?” Alexandra fairly squeaked the word. It would have been most amusing under other circumstances. “Me?”
“Yes, you.” Judith nodded. “I have decided ten years—thirteen really if you consider…never mind. It scarcely matters. It’s far too long a time for two people to hate one another, especially two people who have no one else in the world but each other.” She paused. “Although I never actually hated you.”
Alexandra stared.
“Oh, I disliked you intensely but I never hated you. At any rate.” Judith drew a deep breath. “I should like for us to become friends.”
“But I have hated you! Sincerely and unequivocally and not to be confused for a moment with mere dislike. Hating you has been the great passion of my life.” Alexandra sank onto the sofa and stared at Judith. “I certainly don’t want to be your friend now and I have no desire to travel to the ends of the earth with you!”
Judith waved away the comment. “Come now, it’s not quite the ends of the earth.”
“It’s far closer than I would ever wish to get, thank you!”
“I didn’t think you would appreciate the idea at first but you’ll come around.”
“Why on earth would you think that?”
“I could say it’s because I am your only means of support but I would prefer not to.” Judith met the other woman’s gaze directly. “Eventually you will realize that this makes perfect sense because we have no one else, Alexandra, and I, for one, am tired of being alone. We have no family save each other and we have let this rift between us go on for far too long. Besides, there’s really nothing left for us here.”
“Dear Lord,” Alexandra muttered.
“I know this comes as a shock to you. I was rather shocked myself when the idea occurred to me scarcely more than an hour ago—”
“You might need to give it more time.” Alexandra’s voice had a slightly strangled, high-pitched sound to it.
“Nonsense, it’s brilliant. I should have thought of this years ago. However, I do understand the idea of us becoming friends, even sisters—”
“Sisters!” Alexandra choked out the word.
“—is not something you’ve so much as considered. Therefore we needn’t leap into it with both feet, so to speak. We can proceed in a more leisurely fashion.” She paused to give Alexandra a moment to catch her breath. The poor woman did not look at all well. “I know it will take you a bit of time to adjust to the idea of South America and you shall have it. The expedition I wish to join leaves from Paris in six weeks. As you were already going to Paris I thought I would accompany you as your traveling companion. It will be an excellent way for the two of us to begin to know one another better. Besides, you need a traveling companion, and as I am a widow, I really am perfect for—”
“I’m not going to Paris,” Alexandra blurted.
“Why on earth not?” Judith’s voice rose. “London is boring. You said so yourself.”
“It’s become less boring of late.”
Judith narrowed her eyes. “What are you talking about?”
“Well.” Alexandra grimaced. “I’ve decided to marry Nigel Howard after all.”
Judith stared in disbelief. “The penniless poet?”
“Yes. No.” Alexandra shook her head. “Not exactly. That is to say, Nigel has not been entirely truthful with me.”
“Oh?”
“He is a poet but he’s not exactly penniless. It seems he is second in line for a title and is already heir to a tidy fortune. He has never acknowledged his money because he felt money would hinder his creative muse. The man might well be madder than I am. Still.” Alexandra smiled, a true smile. Judith had never seen such a smile on her before. “He is a very nice man.”
“You’re getting married?” Judith still couldn’t quite believe it.
Alexandra wrinkled her nose. “You’re shocked, aren’t you? You probably think it’s a dreadful idea. That I shall surely ruin the man’s life.”
“No. Not at all.” Judith shook her head slowly. “I think it’s quite lovely.”
“Do you really?” Alexandra stared suspiciously. “Why?”
“Because you seem…” Judith never thought she’d say such a thing in regard to her sister-in-law. “Happy, I think.”
“Happy?” Alexandra thought for a moment, then nodded. “Yes, I believe I am. I don’t think I’ve ever been happy before. It’s really quite nice. So.” She drew a deep breath. “You can see why I won’t be going to Paris or anywhere else.”
“Nor should you,” Judith murmured. “I shall speak to my solicitors at once about transferring ownership of the house to Mr. Howard.”
“No.” A firm tone rang in Alexandra’s voice. “We don’t need this house and I don’t want it.” She looked around and shuddered. “It’s a dark, wicked place, and the only reason I ever wanted it at all was because you had it and it should have been mine. I am quite looking forward to leaving it forever.”
“Then I shall sell it and add it to the rest of the money Lucian left as a wedding gift or dowry, what ever you prefer.” Judith raised a brow. “Unless you don’t want the money either?”
“Oh, I’ll take the money,
” Alexandra said with a grin.
“Good.” Judith smiled. “Well, that’s that then.” If anyone had told Judith even a day ago that she would be disappointed that she would not be traveling with Alexandra and struggling to become her friend, or indeed that it would be her idea to do so in the first place, she would have laughed aloud. Now disappointment washed through her. “I shall simply have to go by myself.”
Alexandra studied her. “What of your Lord Warton?”
“He is not my Lord Warton.” Judith blew a long breath. “Nor will he ever be.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not possible.”
Alexandra snorted. “If it’s possible for me to find happiness and a respectable marriage, anything at all is possible. Why can’t your Lord Warton be your Lord Warton?”
“Because I am afraid,” Judith said without thinking and wondered that she had said it at all. And wondered as well if Alexandra was the only one in the world she could have said it to.
“Yes, I suppose you would be,” Alexandra said more to herself than to Judith, then sighed. “I’ve been somewhat unfair to you all these years, I know that.”
Judith shrugged. “I understood.”
Alexandra rolled her gaze toward the ceiling. “Dear Lord, I do so detest when you’re noble.”
“I’m not the least bit noble. I understood because I more than likely would have acted the same way had I been in your position.”
“I doubt that. For as long as I have known you, you have always been kinder than people have deserved. Probably because you have never seemed the least bit unsure as to your place in the world. In the lives of your parents. In Lucian’s heart.”
“And yet it was not enough was it?” Judith shook her head. “At least not in respect to my husband. I failed him when he needed me.”
Alexandra studied her for a long moment. “Perhaps you’re right, perhaps it is time for us to become…well, to put aside our differences at least. Indeed, in my weaker moments I find I am tired of hating you, Judith. And we do have much in common. I too have always sworn I would never marry. The madness, you know.”
A Little Bit Wicked Page 25