Don’t worry, there’s no chance of the vehicle going all HAL 9000 on the driver: The system won’t even offer to drive unless the road conditions match the necessary programming requirements. Newman even describes the scenario as “essentially an advanced driver system,” sort of the next-next-next generation of power steering.
Although the current price of equipping a vehicle with the technology hovers in the range of $7,560, which is still pretty cheap all things considered. Newman’s goal is to reduce the cost to a decidedly more reasonable $150.
THE MEDITATION BAG
People who meditate find that the hardest part of seeking serenity is cutting out all the immediate distractions of the outside world—ambient noise, discomfort as they sit on the ground, things like that.
Being able to turn off your senses so as to reach a higher mental or spiritual plane is the theory behind sensory deprivation tanks, in which a person floats in body-temperature water in the dark. Another way to cut out sensory input so as to look inward: the Sleeping and Meditation Bag, patented in 1982.
“Sleeping bag” is in the name, because that’s its jumping-off point. It’s a sleeping bag that you can wear while sitting up, in the cross-legged meditation position, or while lying down. It completely covers an entire adult and can be pulled tight with drawstrings to keep out the elements, distractions, light, and noise. And it’s got a soft cushion to keep your tush comfy during those prolonged meditation sessions. On all sides is a thick layer of puffiness to send you on your way to spiritual bliss.
HIGH-FIVE SIMULATOR
Sometimes you need a bro to give you a high-five to celebrate a job well done, a witty barb, or other minorly awesome event in your life that necessitates extremely brief human contact. But what do you do if you’re all alone? You get a mechanical High Five Simulator, bro.
Actually patented in 1994, the High Five Simulator is essentially a spring-loaded arm that’s mounted on a wall, so it’s always ready for a good slap. A fake hand attached to a forearm piece is connected to a lower arm section with an elbow joint for pivoting. When the hand is struck, the raised arm bends backward briefly before returning to the ready position.
This invention is perfect for a lonely and excessive high-fiver, or just somebody who can’t get their friends to satiate their need with real high-fives. One would think that this would be a perfect gift catalog item for dads, bros, and sports fans, but it never took off commercially. It did, however, show up on a 2013 episode of 30 Rock, used by an editor of a men’s magazine to high-five himself.
SHIRTS THAT ROCK
Electric-guitar shirt: The human desire to rock out is so profound that it often cannot be denied, but what if a yearning to kick out the jams kicks in when you’re in no position to sling your six-string? Those who prefer to play it safe and maintain the option to riff at any given moment may wish to add the Electronic Guitar Shirt to their wardrobe. The black T-shirt features an artistic rendering of a white guitar—surrounded by orange, yellow, and red flames for added rock credibility—that can be played just like a real guitar, with each button on the neck triggering a different major chord. The shirt also comes with a mini amp with an adjustable tone knob that can be attached to your belt (which literally “goes to 11”). And the music-making circuitry is easily removable, making it easy to wash off all the rock ’n’ roll sweat and groupie pheromones.
Graphic-equalizer shirt: Sure, having a playable electric-guitar shirt is cool, but you know what would make it cooler? Playing it while you’ve got a buddy standing beside you wearing an equalizer shirt (not a shirt advertising ’80s TV series The Equalizer). The so-called T-Qualizer Raver, described on its website as “a sound-sensitive flashing equalizer T-shirt designed to heat things up while you move,” features a thin, pliable electroluminescent panel that lights up and flashes to the beat of whatever music is playing in your vicinity.
NO MORE MISSING SOCKS!
For those who’ve been prematurely claiming that science has already invented everything that needs to be invented, you may at long last finally be right, now that the Swiss company Blacksocks has developed Smarter Socks. Expanding on their line of bestselling black calf socks, the company has begun to offer a Plus+ version of the socks that features an RFID chip that incontrovertibly identifies which socks belong to each other.
Mind you, this necessitates the purchase of the $189 Sock Sorter device that features the button that allows communication with the aforementioned chip (it does, it must be said, come with 10 pairs of the socks), but “the interaction between the socks with a communication button, the Sock Sorter, and an iPhone app makes sorting socks child’s play,” trumpets Blacksocks.com. As if it isn’t enough that it helps you establish a record of how often your socks have been washed, the app also features a black-o-meter to determine the precise level of your black calf socks’ blackness. Yes, really.
Of course, now that science has solved the mystery of where all the missing socks go, science will have to come up with a new go-to hack joke for standup comedians.
SQUARE WATERMELONS
Most of Japan’s population lives in crowded metropolises like Tokyo and Kyoto, where apartments, while expensive, are often less than 800 square feet, scarcely larger than a dorm room. Japanese make do with small refrigerators, which certainly can’t hold an unwieldy, oblong object like a watermelon.
In the early ’80s, a farmer in Shikoku came up with an ingenious solution: He started growing watermelons in tempered-glass boxes. As the melons grew, their sides were impeded by the edges of the boxes. Instead of taking on a traditional, blimp-like shape, they became cubic. The square fruits, which are sometimes referred to as bonsai watermelons, are easy to transport, stack on market shelves, and store in tiny fridges.
They’re also a luxury item. Only around 1,000 of them are grown each year, and they cost 10,000 Yen—around $114. They can’t be found in an average Japanese grocery store, and are typically sold in high-end supermarkets and even department stores in posh areas like Tokyo’s Ginza district.
While the square types are still popular in Japan, in recent years they’ve been upstaged by watermelons shaped like triangles, pyramids, and hearts, which are a trendy Christmas gift. Strangest of them all is a melon that’s shaped like a human face. Cost of these more elaborate melons: the equivalent of $500 and up.
SMOKER’S HAT
Concerns about the dangers of secondhand smoke have led local governments to ban cigarettes in so many places that smokers can be forgiven for feeling they’ve been banished to Siberia. But back in 1989, one inventor created a contraption that might have fended off decades of municipal legislation: the Smoker’s Hat. It was an apparatus that sought to nullify the health impacts—and the noxious odors—of cigarette smoke.
The concept was as ingenious as it was simple and fashion-forward, which is to say, not at all. The battery-powered, head-mounted device vacuumed up smoke that emerged from the user’s cigarette, then sucked it through an ionizing and deodorizing filter. It even spritzed a refreshing scent before shooting the transformed smoke through an exhaust fan. For the smoker’s convenience, the hat featured two cigarette-pack holders, a visor, and, to turn smoking into a dangerously hands-free activity, a clip that held the butt in front of the smoker’s face.
THE MAN BRA
Finally, the male bra–previously known only as a sight gag called “the Bro” in an episode of Seinfeld–is a reality. Yes, Japanese men who want to enjoy the comfort and support of a bra need no longer skulk through the racks at Victoria’s Secret (or the Japanese equivalent) and make up stories about trying on some delicate unmentionables “for my wife, who is not here right now.” And for that you can thank WishRoom’s Men’s Premium Brassiere.
The confusing thing is figuring out exactly what group of men is supposed to find this appealing. All of the company’s promotional materials show the bras (which don’t seem particularly large in the cup area) being worn by chiseled, flat-chested mannequins. So
it seems that it’s not a good option for the overweight male sporting man-boobs, nor the fellow with overly developed pectorals.
That probably leaves cross-dressers looking for an undergarment that’s both fun and practical. But then the question becomes, why not just buy the cheaper women’s bras? Wouldn’t that make more sense?
OLESTRA
In the late 1960s, Proctor & Gamble scientists were charged with creating a nutrition supplement to help premature babies gain weight quickly. They played around with sucrose molecules, manipulating them into different configurations in hopes that they would be more efficiently absorbed by the digestive tract. As is often the case, the science went horribly awry, and instead of creating something that would improve the lives of tiny, vulnerable babies struggling to survive, P&G accidentally invented Olestra, a substance that would allow people to eat as many potato chips as they wanted without feeling guilty.
Formally known as “sucrose polyester,” Olestra is a synthetic fat substitute which is made by altering the chemical components of sugar and oil. When used as a food additive, it replicates both the delicious taste and satisfying mouthfeel of fat. However, the molecules are too large to be properly absorbed by the intestinal tract. The hoped-for result: food that tastes rich and fatty, but isn’t absorbed by the human body and turned into body fat. A win-win, right?
Not exactly. The only problem, which turned out to be a significant one, was that if the fat you eat doesn’t get absorbed into your intestines, it has nowhere to go but out of your intestines. In less delicate terms, foods made with Olestra can cause people to experience what the Food & Drug Administration describes as “abdominal cramping and loose stools.” No one should have been surprised by this side effect; early safety testing with lab rats resulted in “anal leakage” and vitamin malabsorption. Because of this, P&G was engaged in a legal brouhaha with the FDA that stretched on for decades before Olestra was allowed on the market.
Ultimately, it was decided that Olestra could be used as a commercial fat substitute, with one caveat: Foods made with it had to carry a warning label so that customers would know not to stray too far from their bathrooms. In 1998, after 30 years of hard science and legal battles, Olestra made its debut in the form of Frito Lay’s “Wow!” brand of snack chips. Sales were initially impressive (“Wow! A savory snack that won’t make me gain weight!”), but then declined precipitously (“Wow! These fake chips are causing me to poop myself blind!”).
Studies later indicated that Olestra’s pants-ruining side effects were not as widespread as initially thought; i.e. not everyone who consumes the product suffers from uncontrollable diarrhea. That was good enough for the FDA, which no longer requires products made with Olestra to contain a warning label. Yet Olestra’s bad reputation proved hard to shake, and to this day most people would rather gain a little weight than take their chances with it. Happily, science found another use for sucrose polyester, which has been repurposed as a machine lubricant and an additive in deck stains.
POTTY TRAINING FOR CATS
Apparently enough people have evaluated the budget spreadsheets comparing the kitty-litter costs with the water bill to warrant another member of the family getting in line for the bathroom. Hence CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Kit, or the Original World Famous Litter Kwitter. Pet owners can wean their feline off the little sandbox in just a few steps: clipping a pseudo litter box under the toilet seat, then transitioning to a piece that has a big hole in the middle, and finally graduating to full-on toilet time!
Now lazy husbands have someone else to blame when they forget to flush. But your kitty won’t be getting too many high fives from environmentalists, either; in 2007 the National Public Health Service for Wales wrote a scathing letter to the Veterinary Record citing cats as the source of the Toxoplasma gondii bacteria—typically found in cat feces—that were found in blood samples taken from numerous carcasses of whales, porpoises, and otters off the coast of England. A study by Swansea University soon after connected the bacteria to numerous people in the community who admitted to flushing their cats’ droppings down the crapper.
CAT WIGS
If there’s one thing cats hate, it’s being messed with. And if there’s another thing cats hate, it’s when you try to make them wear stuff. Completely ignoring those two facts, Kitty Wigs are a thing.
Kitty Wigs are exactly what they sound like—wigs for cats. They were purely cosmetic items, because unlike humans who wear wigs to cover up hair loss, cats aren’t hairless (except for hairless cats). But good luck getting a haired (or hairless) cat to wear one of these long, super-straight-haired wigs (they remind one of Cher in the early ’70s). Four colors were initially available: “pink passion” (for a punk cat), “bashful blond” (for the cat who likes Old Hollywood glamour), “silver fox” (for the distinguished cat), and “electric blue” (for the cat who wants to have blue hair).
Kitty Wigs, the company behind Kitty Wigs, stopped selling them directly in 2012, and now publishes books full of cats wearing wigs.
X-RAY SHOE FITTER
Despite seeing their nation drop two atomic bombs on Japan in 1945, mid-20th-century Americans thought radiation was really cool and very futuristic. In fact, consumers didn’t mind being blasted with a few gamma rays when they went to the store to make sure the shoes they bought fit perfectly. Hey, shoes are expensive, and beauty hurts.
In the late 1940s and early ’50s, the Adrian X-Ray Company out of Milwaukee made and sold 10,000 devices to shoe stores that allowed customers to see just how well their shoes fit—by X-raying their feet while they were wearing the shoes. The X-Ray Shoe Fitter allowed them to see inside the shoe (and also their bones), via a small window on the unit.
The machines were a popular novelty—especially among children. They lasted in thousands of shoe stores until the federal government banned them in 1970. For while the box where a patron rested their feet was lead-lined, neither the compartment, nor the viewing windows were sealed. Result: persistant radiation leakage.
SPIRAL SHOES
Julian Hakes is a British architect and bridge-design specialist who decided to go a bit more intimate: He designed a shoe. “I always wondered if a traditional shoe is only the way it is because of the materials that existed when it was designed. What would happen if you started again?” he said.
Hakes started again. And he ended up with the Mojito, a weird spiral-shaped shoe. At first sight, it doesn’t look like something a person could walk in: There’s a thick, curved squiggle supporting the heel of the foot, and one holding the ball of the foot, but the arch is left exposed as a curve of the spiral kicks back to serve as a high heel. The resulting shoe is reminiscent of a twist of lime as imagined by Lisa Frank after a weekend in a dungeon.
The shoe was a hit among fashion bloggers before production even began in earnest, and it has been available since 2012. Women who hate their feet but love looking crazy can pick up a pair for about $200.
HEAD-SHAPED PUMPKIN MOLD
Things shaped like human heads, if they are not human heads, are creepy and unsettling. In fact, so are human heads, if they are not attached to human bodies. Also creepy: Halloween, with its witches and ghosts and vine-covered pumpkins sitting in fields at night.
These universal truths were completely overlooked or ignored by Ohio inventor John Czeszcziczki, who in 1937 patented “Forming Configurations on Natural Growths.” In short, it’s a mold you place onto immature pumpkins so that as they grow and ripen, they take the shape of the mold. And Czeszcziczki’s main mold idea was that of a human head. This would result in pre-carved jack-o’-lanterns—Czeszcziczki evidently had trouble carving pumpkins, and in his patent he notes that “considerable skill is required to produce a good likeness.” But other people must have been happy with their pumpkin-carving skills because Czeszcziczki’s molds never took off.
In 1989 another inventor applied for a patent for molds that would have allowed zucchinis and other squash to grow into the shape of just
the human face. Those didn’t go into wide production either, but the company that made them, Vegiforms, remains in business.
WATERLESS DISHWASHER
For the past few decades, children have looked blankly upon their parents when informed that there was once a time when people had to wash their dishes by hand. But we now stand on the cusp of an era when kids will find it uncanny that water was ever a part of the process. Designed by Halit Sancar, Gökçe Altun, Pinar Simsek and Nagihan Tuna, the DualWash Bipartite Dishwasher forgoes our old friend H2O in favor of its decidedly cooler cousin, CO2, pumping supercritical carbon dioxide into the cleaning chamber.
Because of its low surface tension, the liquid carbon dioxide covers the surface of the dishes, and when the CO2 returns to its gaseous state, any residue previously left on the dishes is forced into the filter, which can be removed and cleaned after each use. Voilà—your dishes are clean, and they’re sterilized to boot! Plus, if it hasn’t occurred to you yet, the general dryness of the DualWash not only saves a significant amount of water, but it also saves space by serving quite effectively as a china storage cabinet.
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions Page 8