by A J Wolf
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It’s been almost a full week since I’ve seen Remy. I know he’s been avoiding me, giving me the space I thought I still needed. But being back home makes this a thousand times worse. How can I possibly try to heal when my sheets smell like him? When I can feel his presence in a room he just left? I haven’t been sleeping because the thought of him two doors down keeps me awake. My heart crying at the distance that could easily be removed. Delaney and Gretchen have been doing their best to keep me busy, but distracting a mangled heart isn't easy.
Laney and I are sitting outside in the grass watching Dylan play with a ball and basking in the sun. Running blades of grass through my fingers I sigh and flop onto my back to watch the clouds. The one directly above me looks like a pony...or maybe a dragon...no definitely a car. "Have you seen him lately?"
She knows I'm asking about Remy and I feel her lay next to me. "I saw him all the time while you were gone, he made it his personal mission to know all of my business." She nudges me playfully with her elbow before continuing, “So thanks for that." I don't laugh at her joke, so she lets out a deep sigh after a moments pause. "Don't do this Bev. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers too."
I feel her gaze on me and turn my head to look at her. Her long dark hair is up in a sleek ponytail that I could never pull off and she's wearing her riding pants with tall boots and black tee. She has all the same features as her brother and the resemblance pangs in my heart. "I have to Laney. I'm fucked up like that."
She looks up at the sky and lets out a big breath, "He's fucking miserable, a shell of himself pretending to be fine. I honestly don't understand you two at all." She picks some grass at her side and tosses it. "You're both slowly dying inside over this separation, it's ridiculously childish and stupid."
I twist to lay on my side facing her, cheek propped up in my hand, "It's complicated Laney. I can't just ignore that he be broke my soul."
She huffs and throws her next handful of grass at me. "Okay Lana Del Ray. Everything doesn't have to be so damn depressing." She gets up, brushing grass from her clothes, "If you suffer either way then you might as well suffer together. Quit making Remy miserable because you can't figure your shit out Bev. He's Capo Famiglia, he did what he had to do. Do you think he wanted to make that particular decision? Knowing how it would hurt you? Knowing how you'd look at him? Open your eyes and look at things outside of your miserable little bubble before you cast stones Bev."
I stand up frowning. "It's not that easy Laney. He killed Julian."
She huffs, visibly annoyed, "Fine. He killed Julian. But are you moaning about what Julian did to cause all of this bullshit? No, you're just blaming Remy. Remy did his job. Julian fucked up. Fucked up big and pulled his own damn trigger because of it. If you're going to be so focused on Remy's part, then you need to also be mad about his."
I run my hands over my face roughly, slapping my hands down at my sides. "I don't want to do this right now. I shouldn’t have asked about Remy.” Adjusting my shirt, I look back over to her, “But you're right. I need to start putting some blame on Julian, it’s just really hard. The Julian I knew would have died FOR the famiglia not because he went against it. It's difficult for me to place blame on him when that's not him."
"I don't know what to tell you Bev. You're living in your own delusions because your Julian did and died for it." She sighs and steps forward to wrap me in a hug. "This is shitty, unfair, and confusing but you need to figure your shit out and soon. Your problems are slowly killing Remy. You need to figure out if you're willing to stay and live with him or leave him alone. This push and pull isn't good for either of you."
I squeeze her back, wiping a few stray tears from my face before pulling away. "I know you're speaking your truths and I needed to hear them. I agree we can't keep this up. I'll try to talk to Remy soon." Taking a deep breath, I force a smile, "Come back over soon?” I’m slightly annoyed at my reprimand but it’s still nice having her around again.
Reaching out, she squeezes my hand softly before bending down to give Dylan goodbye scratches. "I will. Have Remy get you a new phone so I don't have to message him so much. I'm sick of the ass being in my business."
I laugh at her retreating back, absently petting Dylan. What a shit show.
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After Laney left I found myself alone and lost in my thoughts. So naturally I slapped a band-aid on all my leaking emotions and am now thirty pieces deep in my candy jar. I need to find Remy, even if it's just to ask for a phone like Delaney said. I don't know what happened to the shit I had at my apartment, but I don't even care. The only thing I'd even want is my phone and that can be replaced.
Scooping up my wrappers I head towards the kitchen trash. I smile watching Dylan through the window play with some of the made men outside. It looks like a game of tug, but I can't see what toy they have, that's so sweet. They must see me watching because two of them are waving this way, kind of weird but I smile and awkwardly wave back.
"Who are you waving at?"
Clutching my chest with a scream, I jerk around to see Donatello walking towards the window, smiling at my reaction. What a jerk. "You scared the hell out of me Donatello! Why the hell are you sneaking around like that?" He chuckles and looks outside, "and I was waving at those guys playing with Dylan. They waved first by the way."
He starts laughing and pulls out his phone, "Dylan is ripping that guys shirt off Bev. I don't think they're playing."
Huffing, I cross my arms over my chest. Dylan would never. "How dare you! They are clearly playing Tug.”
He has is phone up to his ear but tips his gaze to me, shaking his head with a smile, "Yea...tug with his shirt." He looks back out the window talking into the phone, "Where are you? Bev's dog is attacking your guards...huh?...no. I told her but she said they're playing..." He looks over, sees my scowl and puts a hand over his mouth to prevent a laugh from coming out. "Okay I'll tell her...send Andrea over here...what? No... just do it...okay, bye." Hanging up and slipping his phone back in his pocket he looks back at me, "Remy says you need to get your dog, but I think you should wait for Andrea to get here and make him do it."
I shoot him an annoyed look and then back outside. Their game of tug is still going strong and two more men have joined in. "That was a lot of talking for him to just say that."
"That's basically all he said. So, are we waiting for Andrea or what?" He nudges my arm with his elbow and I shift away with a glare.
"Why do we have to do anything? They're just playing!" I wave my hand towards the window because he clearly isn't seeing what I am.
"So, we're waiting for Andrea, fucking perfect." He claps his hands together happily, smiling like a mad man. “He was already headed this way so he should be here soon.”
"Why do you look like that? And what the hell is Andrea going to do?" I'm honestly so confused right now.
He pulls out his phone and smiles, fist at his mouth to keep a chuckle in. "He's pulling in!" He practically yelled in my ear and I jump, covering my ear and frowning over at him. Flashing a wild grin at me he’s completely oblivious that he just blew my eardrum, "Dylan fucking hates Andrea. He will no doubt go after him the second he sees him." Okay that's absurd. What the fuck is wrong with him? Before I can reply, Donatello is tapping the window at Andrea who is oblivious to the scene he is apparently walking into, "There he fucking is! Fuck this is great!"
I'm genuinely concerned for Donatello. He's giggling like a schoolgirl, looking between me and outside like this is the most exciting thing he's ever experienced. Staring at him I open my mouth to tell him that he's bat shit crazy when a loud bark and a very high-pitched scream comes from outside the window. Andrea is sprinting towards his car, damn he's actually really fucking fast, Dylan hot on his tail. Okay, that's slightly concerning. Donatello is wheezing beside me, mumbling incoherently through loud guffaws. I'm so lost right now. Side eyeing him I head towards the sliding glass doors, "Are yo
u okay? I'm going to go check on Dylan."
Bent at the waist he lifts his hand and nods, still giggling, and squeezes out, "Yea, I'll follow you."
Once outside I can still hear that awful screeching, so I pick up the pace to the back drive. Rounding the corner, I stop dead in my tracks, then go flying because Donatello was clearly right on my ass. Thankfully he snatches my arm before I face plant. Sending yet another glare his way, I take a second to figure out what the hell is going on. Dylan is sitting beside Andrea's car while Andrea is screaming from the roof. What the fuck? This all causes Donatello to lose it again and I smack his arm, "Knock it off. Can you explain to me what the fuck is going on?"
Waiting for his answer I whistle for Dylan who trots happily to my side, tongue lolling, and gives my hand kisses as I go to pet his head. Aww he obviously just wanted some loves.
Apparently regaining some control Donatello takes a step back from us, away from Dylan I note, while wiping tears from his eyes. "I fucking told you!" He wheezes out, trying to contain even more laughter.
Andrea is still on the car, not screaming, but staring at Dylan. This is so ridiculous. "Andrea get the fuck down you're being obnoxious. Dylan wouldn't hurt a fly." This causes him to scoff very loudly as he slowly inches off the car. Dylan is sitting happily at my side, panting while watching him.
"He chased me across the lawn!"
Wow, so dramatic. "If you hadn't run while he was coming to say hello then he wouldn't have chased you."
Adjusting his shirt, Andrea stands next his car, "He was chasing me because he hates me.” He brushes his pants off then sends a glare Donatello’s way. “Did you not see those guards’ shirts all ripped up? He's a menace!"
Gasping, I covering Dylan's ears. He does not need to hear those vile words. "Take that back right now Andrea!" I’m practically screaming at him, how fucking dare he! No one insults my baby like that.
“No.” He crosses his arms over his massive chest, staring at me like he thinks I give a fuck how big he is. I can still take him.
I take off towards him and a flash of worry crosses his face. Donatello grabs my arm, stopping my attack which makes Dylan bark, so he quickly let’s go. He keeps his hands out to stop me from lunging again and looks at the both of us, "Andrea knows Dylan isn't a menace Bev, he's just worked up. Right Andrea?" I'm low key scanning the ground for a rock to chuck at Andrea, the fucking audacity of this prick.
He shoots a glare at Donatello addressing him first,"È un fottuto coglione e tu lo sai." He's a fucking jerk and you know it. Running his hand over his face before looking at me, "He's right. Dylan just really freaks me out."
I mimic his earlier pose and scoff. This is so stupid, and I know he's talking shit in Italian. "That's ridiculous Andrea, come pet him and you'll see he's not scary."
"I absolutely will not." He's shaking his head, trying to blindly find the handle to the car door.
"Andrea this is silly. He's a sweet boy, get over here." I emphasis the last bit with a 'come here' wave and frown.
"Sorry Bev but something came up. Maybe next time!" He gives a frantic smile, hops in the car, and starts backing out, avoiding the stink eye I'm giving him. Well then.
"He is such a baby." I say to Dylan while turning to look at Donatello. "I'm going to get more candy, you want some?"
He shrugs starting towards the house, "Sure. You got any Twix?"
Chapter Six
“Oh, shit I almost forgot." Donatello exclaims while pushing some candy wrappers into the trash, we decided to just bring it to us, jumping up to grab a bag off the table near the door. He drops it in my lap and then plops back down on the couch making me flop sideways. "Remy got you a new phone. Delaney said you needed one and he asked me to pick it up."
"Oh schweet." I say around my Jolly Rancher while digging through the bag. There's a phone that looks completely set up and something black and lacy? I side eye Donatello, holding the bag shut. "Who picked this out?"
"What? Oh, Delaney. She's also the one that set the phone up." His attention is on the candy jar as he says it and I set the bag beside me.
"Laney did? I thought you just picked the phone up."
He's holding the jar up to see through the bottom now, "I did. Then Delaney set it up. I think she put some other stuff in there too." He sticks his hand back in the jar clearly trying to get a certain piece.
"Why were you with Laney?" Pieces of candy are falling all over the couch now, "And what are you looking for? Just give me the jar. I'll get it, my hands are smaller."
Passing the jar over, "Oh good idea, I'm pretty sure there's a Twix at the bottom." He's bending down to look at the bottom of the jar while I'm holding it, clapping once with a hoot when I pull the Twix out and hand it to him. "Thanks Bev." Flashing me a lopsided grin before shoving it in his mouth.
"You didn't say why you were with Laney." I remind him while picking up all the loose candy to put back in the jar.
He shrugs avoiding eye contact, "I just happened to be around her stables."
I give him a dubious look, “You just happened to be forty-five minutes out of the city near her stables?"
"Uh yea. Had some work up there." He’s playing with his candy wrapper while he says it, clearly avoiding eye contact. An incredibly unconvincing grin sent my way before he drops it into the trash.
I roll my eyes but don't say anything. Him and Laney are not my problem. He slaps his knees and stands with a stretch, chocolate stains on his dark jeans. He's almost always dressed casually, especially compared to Remy. "Are you leaving?"
Checking his phone, he nods, "I have some other shit to do before I'm done for the night." He looks at me with a smile, "You're back to stay yea?"
Shifting in my seat, I pick at some lint on my leggings, "I don't know, it's complicated. But I think I want too."
He bends down and wraps me in a hug, resting his chin on my head, "We all missed you Bev. Whatever happens...just try to stay." He stands and heads towards the door, stopping just as he's stepping out, "Text me when Gretchen refills the candy jar."
I laugh, "Will do...bye Donatello." He smiles, waves and is out the door. Pulling the phone out, I see it’s the same as my last one which is nice, I hate having to relearn that shit. Laney put in all my contacts and even made my wallpaper an adorable picture of Dylan with his purple crown. My phone says it's just after six, Gretchen finished dinner not too long ago but I'm not hungry from eating so much candy. I'll probably just grab leftovers later. I can't help but wonder when Remy will be back; he's been doing a great job of staying out of the house. Now that I have a phone I don’t have a reason to search him out either, besides the obvious. I’m not sure if that’s a relief or not.
Setting the phone down, I bring the candy jar back to the pantry before dumping out the rest of the bag from Delaney. There's a pack of air heads, a couple bath bombs, and a black sheer corset tank...that explains the lace then. Her thoughtfulness makes me smile and I grab my phone to send her a thank you text.
Me: Thank you for my gifts and setting up my phone...you're the best!
The phone pings almost immediately but it's a number not in my contacts.
Unknown: Presto saremo insieme mio angelo triste. Soon we will be together my sad angel.
Frowning at the text I don’t respond and delete it. Everyone knows I can't read or speak Italian well enough to understand this, so it must be a mistake. Shrugging it off as being a made man with the wrong number I gather my things and head to the room. Dylan follows me and plops down on the floor to nap as I grab the bath bombs, bringing them into the bathroom with me. I might as well take a bath. Waiting for the tub to fill I quickly braid my hair before stripping and getting in. I stretch out, willing myself to relax as the hot water laps over my skin. Laying my head back on the rim I keep my braid out, letting it swing over the edge.
I'm mentally exhausted from the emotional tornado that's become of my life. Laney was right, I haven't been putting enough of the blame on Jul
ian. Knowing that and feeling accordingly is hard though. I have to know why he did it, why he turned his back on the famiglia, on me. I'm not ready to acknowledge the level of betrayal that screams at my soul. I need Remy. Our love feels dark and destructive, it bruises our souls, picks at the edges of our hearts and leaves nothing but a bloody scab. It wraps around us like an armored embrace, keeping us confined in its possessive walls, unwillingly to let us slip from its grasp. But it's also passionate and all consuming, like a bright flame in the dead of winter. Warms our veins like a shot of whiskey, protecting us from the frostbite the chill tries to bring. If I let my sad little heart choose then we would already be in Remy's arms. I'm tired of the game of tug my heart and soul are determined to play. Tired of being in a never-ending loop of misery. At least with Remy I can pretend a small portion of this awful reality is okay.
My water has cooled and my fingers are pruned, I've clearly been lost in my depressing mind for quite some time. Pulling the plug, I step out, wrap in a towel and shake out my braid. Looking in the mirror I comb my dark hair out with my fingers. I look terrible. I haven't been sleeping so there's shadow under my eyes, my skin is dull despite spending time in the sun, my eyes look glassy. I'm a fucking mess.
Exiting the bathroom my eyes snap up to see Remy coming out of the closet. He has on a pair of sweats, a shirt in his hand. His eyes briefly run over my towel wrapped form and then to the phone on the nightstand. "Donatello gave you your phone?"
I clutch my towel, needing something to hold onto. "He did. Thank you." He nods and pulls the shirt on, turning to leave. As soon as his hand touches the handle my heart jumps into my throat, forcing me to stop him, "Remy..." He stops but doesn't turn around, hand still on the knob. "Please don't leave." It's a soft whisper but I know he heard it.
"Cuore Mio I can't stay if you're just going to push me away again." His voice is rough and he speaks to the door, refusing to face me.