by Tessa Layne
The lights were on, and two cars stood in the driveway, one with Missouri plates. She had company. The child’s father? His stomach lurched at the possibility. That was more than he could face. Instead, he kept walking, blood drumming in his ears. What was he supposed to say? Hi, I’m sorry I was a d-bag back at the diner. Why did you ditch me? He paused at the corner. He couldn’t do this. Not yet.
Reaching into his back pocket, he grabbed his phone and scrolled through to Axel. Desperate times called for desperate measures.
Axel picked right up. “’Sup?”
Gunnar took off his hat and wiped an arm across his forehead. “Got a sec?”
“Sure. What’s going on?”
He sucked in a breath then forced it out. “You remember Suzannah Harper?”
“Of course.” Axe’s voice went hard as iron.
“She’s here. In Prairie. The board hired her to run the clinic.” Gunnar held in a breath as he let the news sink in.
Axel laughed. “You’re shitting me.”
“Not at all.” He held out the phone as Axel continued to laugh uncontrollably. Not exactly the reaction he’d hoped for out of his brother, but the one he probably deserved, given their history.
“Let me get this straight,” Axel wheezed while catching his breath. “The chick–”
“She’s not a chick,” Gunnar growled.
Axel snorted. “The chick you picked up in Vegas, and decided to marry after three days, who then wisely didn’t show–”
“Hey–” That stung.
“Dude. She could have been an axe murderer. Or a con artist.”
“Yeah, well she’s a doctor.”
“And you’re calling me because?”
Gunnar could hear the smirk in his voice. Maybe it was a mistake calling Axel, but who else could he talk to? Who else knew? Parker. But he wasn’t ready to face Parker’s ribbing. “Well, it’s going to be all over town tomorrow that we’ve met before,” he snapped.
Axel grew serious. “Since when did you take the coward’s way out? That’s not your style, man. Town can’t afford to lose her, and you know it. Think about Uncle Warren.”
Gunnar shut his eyes, reliving the aftermath of the tornado that had ripped through Prairie just over a year ago. His uncle’s body broken and bruised, dying before their eyes because help was too far away. The memory still churned his stomach. Letting out a heavy sigh, he nodded. “You’re right.”
“Wait. Say that again?”
“I said you’re right.”
“One more time,”
Gunnar huffed out a dry laugh. “Fuck you, asshole.”
“Love you, too, man.”
“Give that baby girl of yours a hug and a kiss from Uncle Gunn. See you soon?”
“Fourth of July.”
Gunnar ended the call, and slowly walked back down the street, chest tight. Marriage had been good for Axel. It might have been good for him too, if he’d been given the chance. But his lot had been cast – bachelorhood forever. Even if the woman who’d stolen his heart was back in his life. He wouldn’t make the same mistake again. But he would make things right, and convince her to stay. For Prairie.
He paused at the walk. A swing hung at one end of the porch, and just in front of the screen door, a red tricycle stood, abandoned. What drew him forward though, was the light spilling out from inside, providing a welcome glow in the fading light. Gunnar steeled himself. He could do this, even if the Missouri plates belonged to the dad. He was just here to ensure Dr. Winslow didn’t quit and leave the residents of Prairie high and dry. Nothing more. No need to bring up the past. Ask any one of the hundreds of questions that burned in his brain.
Before he could knock, a tiny thing, white blonde hair spilling out in waves from behind a pair of Batman glasses and wearing a homemade cape ran up to the screen and stopped, staring. “Are you a good guy or a bad guy?” she asked, voice high and pipy.
Everything inside Gunnar melted at the sight of her. Was this Suzannah’s child? He pushed back the wave of longing at what might have been, and smiled down at her. “That depends.” On so, so much. He was pretty certain Suzannah thought he was a bad guy, although for the life of him he couldn’t figure out why. She’d stood him up.
“Lulah.” A voice, not Suzannah’s, called sharply from within the house. “Is someone at the door?”
Lulah? His stomach hollowed. Had she named her daughter Talulah after all? His chest pinched in envy. Tiny ran off, bare feet slapping against the hardwood, and seconds later a woman bustled to the door, smile fading when she recognized him.
Gunnar cleared his throat and offered a conciliatory smile. “Iris? It’s Iris isn’t it?” He remembered her from Vegas, one of Suzannah’s best friends.
Her brown eyes snapped fire. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage already?”
His head snapped back as if he’d been slapped. “I’ve done enough damage? I’m not the guilty party here. I just want to make sure–” This was an exercise in futility. Arguing with Suzannah’s self-appointed gatekeeper would get him nowhere. “Look, can I please talk to her?”
Shooting him another glare, Iris turned and disappeared. Given the look on Iris’s face, he wouldn’t put it past her to make him wait as long as possible. But he could play this game, too. He’d wait all night if necessary. He wasn’t leaving without talking to Suzannah. One minute, two minutes. He retreated to the porch railing, taking a seat. After five minutes, he heard footsteps approaching. Suzannah eyed him warily from inside.
He held out his hands in supplication. “I swear, I won’t take long.”
“You have sixty seconds,” she said with a quiver in her voice.
Shit. Had he made her cry? Nothing made any sense, but if he only had sixty seconds, he had to act fast. “Please, don’t quit. Prairie needs you. If you quit, it’ll be months before we find another suitable candidate, and we need a doctor yesterday.” She didn’t move to shut the door, so he pressed on. “I’ll stay away. It’ll be like we never met.”
His chest wrenched at her grimace, but this was for the best. He’d drive to Manhattan for medical care if it kept her here for the community. After a long moment, she nodded brusquely. “I’ll stay,” she said in a low voice.
Gunnar let out the breath he’d been holding in a whoosh, but he didn’t feel relief. Only emptiness. And deep sorrow for a life that could have been. “Thank you.” He turned to go, but stopped at the steps, turning back around. “Your daughter,” he said in a strangled voice he didn’t recognize as his. “She’s adorable.” And more than anything, he wished she was his.
He spun on his boot heel and hurried down the walk before he made a fool of himself.
CHAPTER 4
Suzannah closed the door and leaned against it, heart pounding. She pressed a hand against the solid wood in a feeble attempt to still the shaking that now enveloped her.
It’ll be like we never met.
She let out a half-hysterical laugh. If only. But then her eyes drifted to the little ball of energy tearing through the living room, making her stuffed cat fly. Her heart, her joy. She’d go through the heartache and pain all over again for Lulah. “Five more minutes, bug,” she called softly, not entirely trusting her voice. “Then teeth and jammies.”
Lulah stopped and turned, peering at her through her Batman mask. “And stories?”
She was too adorable. All it took was hearing Lulah’s tiny voice and the day’s troubles melted away. “After teeth and jammies.” She left Lulah flying, and returned to the kitchen where Iris sat fretting at the table.
“What was that all about?” Iris vibrated with indignation. “The nerve of him coming over here.”
Suzannah leaned against the kitchen counter, too wound up to sit. “Calm down. I think he’s as shocked as I am.”
“That doesn’t excuse what he did.”
“No. No, it doesn’t. But he’s right, Prairie’s desperate for a doctor. And let’s be honest, I need this to work out
, too.”
Iris sighed, tucking her dark hair behind an ear. “True, that. But you can always move back in with me. I’m going to be lonely without the two of you.”
Suzannah made a face, shaking her head. “You’ve been too good to us, and I’ve cramped your style for almost four years. Staying with you was supposed to be temporary.”
She’d have been lost without Iris and their other best friend, Bailey, when Lulah’d been born. Those early days had been so difficult… and terrifying. Their solid presence had kept her sane and focused on being the best parent she could be while advocating for a very sick little baby.
Iris waved an arm. “I don’t have a social life anyway, so what’s the big deal?”
“Maybe it’s time you got one. You’re a total catch, especially now that we’re out of the way.”
Iris scowled. “Don’t talk about yourself that way. And thanks to you, I’ve been able to hold off on my parents setting up a profile for me on saadhi.com. Don’t laugh,” she scolded as Suzannah bit down on her lower lip, shaking. Iris’s parents had been hounding her for years to find a husband. “You know it’s true. My parents already think I’m too old.”
“Well, I don’t. You’re only a year older than me.”
“Exactly – but that’s like a hundred in Indian years. And they’re having trouble accepting that I might be permanently happy single.”
“Are you?”
Iris nodded. “Yeah. I’ve got my kiddos, and I love the organizing I’m doing for the teacher’s union. And I want to come down here and visit you as much as possible.”
“Lulah’d love that. She’s going to miss you.”
Iris gave her a look that Suzannah knew only too well. The I don’t care that you don’t want to talk about it, but we’re gonna talk about it anyway look. “What do you think you’re going to do?”
Suzannah’s gut churned. “Did you hear what he said on the porch? That he’d stay away. That it would be like we’d never met.”
“You have to tell him.”
“He doesn’t deserve to know,” she shot back with a bitter edge.
“That may be the case, but he will find out. It’s a small town. People will ask questions. And if he has any math skills at all…” Iris gave Suzannah a meaningful look. “It’s gonna be waaaaay worse if you hold out.”
“But what about Lulah? How’s it going to affect her to suddenly have a dad in her life? And furthermore, it will devastate her if he’s a flake. How do I know he won’t run out on her like he did me?” Pain shot through her heart. If she didn’t know better, she’d suspect valve trouble. But, no. This was heartache, pure and simple.
Iris’s eyes filled with compassion. “You can’t keep her wrapped in cotton and wool forever. She’s a tough kid. And she has us.”
“But she’s been through so much already. More than any child deserves.” Her throat tightened, and she was dangerously close to bursting into tears.
“I know,” Iris soothed. “But you’d be foolish to let him find out through the gossip mill. You’re gonna have to trust that she inherited a large measure of her mama’s strength. She’ll be fine, no matter what.”
Suzannah blinked away the tears as Lulah flew into the kitchen, still wearing her Batman glasses and cape. She gathered her baby, her life, into a protective hug. “C’mon, bug. Let’s get you into those jammies. You can play Batman again tomorrow.”
“And catch bad-guys?” She gazed up with a heart-melting smile that reminded her too much of the devastatingly handsome cowboy who’d just been at her door.
“You bet.”
When they’d completed their nighttime ritual of jammies, teeth-brushing, three stories, and hugs and kisses for Iris, Suzannah sat down on the floor next to Lulah’s bed. These moments were quite possibly her favorite of the day. Holding Lulah’s tiny, pudgy hand, she sang to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle, Lulah’s high voice blending with hers.
Jesus, tender shepherd, hear me
Bless this little lamb tonight
Through the darkness, be thou near me
Keep me safe ’till morning light
Jesus, tender shepherd, hear me
Bless this little lamb tonight
Lulah turned her big blue eyes toward her. “We didn’t look for stars, yet.”
“Tomorrow.”
“Promise.”
“One for Mama, one for Daddy, one for Iris, and one for Bailey.”
“And yours in the middle, surrounded by everyone who loves you.” She kissed her daughter’s forehead and cheek.
“Do you think my daddy will know how to find us?”
There went that pain in her heart again. “Because we moved here?” She could barely get the words out.
Lulah nodded, looking very concerned.
“Yes, bug. Your daddy always knows where you are, and he loves you very much.” Tonight, the lie ate at her. Before, it had always been easy to imagine Gunnar somewhere out in the ether, and that in a parallel universe, maybe he loved his daughter. It had been easy to assure her baby that both her parents loved her, even if one couldn’t be with her. But what now? Fear clawed at her. Would Gunnar break Lulah the way he’d broken her? All her protective mama bear instincts said no, she couldn’t let him do that to her baby. She’d give her life for Lulah, do anything to keep her safe, whole. Happy.
“You haven’t listened to my heart, yet.”
“Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten.” She’d never forget this part of their nightly ritual. Suzannah couldn’t sleep at night until she’d assured herself that Lulah’s heart beat strongly and soundly beneath her ear.
Lulah’s hands threaded through her hair, as she dropped her head to Lulah’s tiny chest. It always took a second to adjust her hearing when she didn’t use a stethoscope, but there it was. The telltale lubDub, lubDub, lubDub, pumping blood through the heart chambers and out to the rest of Lulah’s tiny body. Just as it should. The constant anxiety Suzannah carried, eased a fraction. But only a fraction. After everything they’d been through, part of her lived in dread that at any moment, the other shoe would drop.
CHAPTER 5
Suzannah pushed back from her desk with a sigh, rubbing at the knot in her neck. To say the first days at the clinic had been hectic, was an understatement. Long hours of setting up records software, providing physicals for literally everyone – students and adults alike. Some of the people she’d visited with hadn’t seen a doctor in years. She’d given vaccinations, prescribed high blood pressure medication, removed warts, and suspicious moles, and confirmed a pregnancy for a very scared teenaged girl.
Rolling her shoulders, she exhaled hard and fast, then repeated the movements. Her phone buzzed on the desk.
Iris: Did you eat lunch?
She glanced at her unopened lunch sack, guilt rippling through her. If it weren’t for Iris, she’d be twenty pounds underweight. She quickly typed back. Eating now
Iris sent back a slowly-faced emoji. She deserved it. It was nearly three-thirty. But this was the first break she’d had all day. She wasn’t about to keep patients waiting while she stopped to eat lunch. Suzannah dropped into her chair and reached for her lunch. She pulled out an apple just as the bell sounded, alerting her to a visitor. With a heavy sigh, she replaced the apple. Lunch would have to wait a bit longer.
Smoothing her slacks, she pushed through the door to the waiting room. A woman about her age paced the floor, face screwed up in deep thought. “Can I help you?”
The woman started, and whirled to face her. “Uh, hi. Yes. Um… I’m looking for Dr. Winslow?”
“That’s me.” She smiled, hoping it would put the woman at ease. “Is there something I can help you with?”
The woman glanced around. “Is there somewhere we can talk?”
“Of course. Can I get you to fill out an intake form first? My receptionist is on break.” Suzannah walked around to the receptionist’s station and rifled through the papers, looking for a clipboard.
The woman waved her off. “Oh, no. I’m not here for a check-up. I-I just wanted to talk.” The woman rushed on before Suzannah could direct her to a seat. “I’m Amy Goodwin. I’m a midwife, and I work with many women in the area.”
Ah. That explained it. She was all too aware of the politics between physicians and midwives. She’d been witness to some very intense showdowns during her residency. One irate doctor had even called the police when a midwife had transported a patient for care.
Amy continued, a spark of challenge in her eye. “I want to remind you of the Kansas State Supreme Court ruling in the eighties regarding childbirth and midwifery. I’m a lay midwife, and in this state, I’m allowed to deliver babies.
Suzannah couldn’t help but smile. She admired the woman’s spunk. “I’m aware of that, but thank you for the reminder.”
Amy’s gaze narrowed. “What’s your position?”
“On home birth?”
Amy nodded, gaze guarded.
“Women have been giving birth for centuries without modern medicine. Birth is a natural event, and in most cases, provided disinfecting protocols are observed, is low-risk and can take place anywhere.”
Some of the tension left Amy’s shoulders. “Would you be willing to be a back-up for me?”
“I think we should get to know each other, before we agree to that kind of a relationship,” she said cautiously. “But I’m not opposed to it. But this facility isn’t equipped for c-sections. And we don’t have an anesthesiologist.”
Amy nodded. “I’ve thought about that. In the past, I’ve moved my higher risk patients, and my Nervous Nellies to my guesthouse, closer to Manhattan.”
Suzannah nodded, impressed. At the same time, wishing that the facilities here were more extensive than a few patient rooms attached to a gym. Prairie needed a full-blown medical center – complete with x-ray and MRI machines, and a surgery unit. But given what she’d seen of the town since she’d arrived, that day was far-off, if ever. The town, the county, simply couldn’t afford it. “How many patients do you have currently?”