by Tessa Layne
“How about a piece of pie?” she asked, still breathless, and she pushed away from the table.
Gunnar didn’t answer as she pulled drawers and opened cabinets, grabbing what she needed. He was content to admire the way she moved with such efficiency. She was direct to her core, in words and action. He’d always liked that about her. But why hadn’t she been direct with him in Vegas? If she’d gotten cold feet, why not just say so? They’d have worked it out. He gave himself a mental shake as she sat down with forks, paper towels, and plates. He had to let it go. Somehow. He’d moved on from it years ago. Or at least he thought he had, until she’d burst back into his life.
Suzannah cut the pie into eight perfectly equal pieces with the precision of a surgeon. Four neat slices, perfectly intersecting, no wobbling to the knife, just clean, confident strokes. She flicked a glance his direction, and handed him a plate, quickly returning her attention back to the pie as she served herself.
The air remained heavy between them. Full of unspoken words and feelings hidden for too long. Again, the desire to know pressed against him from within, expanding in his chest like a balloon. How could they move forward if they didn’t clear the air about the past? Even if all he heard from her was the admission that in the end, he wasn’t her type. It would hurt like hell, but at least he’d know where he stood. Then he could focus on being a good father to Lulah, and in time, let the rest go. She cut into her pie, head bent, avoiding his gaze. Her fork made it halfway to her mouth, before her eyes darted his direction. Her lovely blue eyes, once filled with passion, and love, now held hurt, worry. Before he could stop himself, the words tumbled out.
“Why did you leave me waiting?”
At the same time, Suzannah reddened and spoke. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”
Her fork clattered to the plate, the sound of metal banging against china echoing in the small space.
“What’d you say?” Had he heard her right?
“I said,” she answered deliberately. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”
“What are you talking about? I did. For hours.” Taking care to not bump his stitches, he gingerly crossed his arms, temper rising at the memory. “You never came.” Try as he might, he couldn’t keep the hurt out of his voice.
Her mouth dropped open. He might have laughed at her expression, but the look she leveled at him was one of white-hot fury. “Because I was at the hospital,” she yelled back, eyes flashing.
“Why were you at the hospital?” he yelled, fear and guilt roiling in his gut. “What happened? Were you hurt?” The thought of her hurt, even after all that passed between them, still made him turn ice-cold.
She shut her eyes, shaking her head. “No. A drunk driver careened onto the sidewalk and hit five people. I triaged an older man who needed surgery, and his wife asked if I could stay.” She gave him a pained look. “I– I couldn’t say no. They were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.”
Gunnar’s breath caught. “I checked the hospitals for a Suzannah Harper.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered. I wasn’t the one admitted.”
Fuck.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Her voice trembled and she stabbed at her pie, then stirred the piece around her plate. “I called. I texted. I begged you to wait, and you never answered. Not once.” A tear streaked down her cheek.
Jesus.
This was all his fault.
He wanted to kick something, punch a hole in the wall, anything. He pushed off the table, pacing through the kitchen. “My phone. My fucking phone.”
She stared at him, misery etched in the lines of her face.
Fuck. She didn’t believe him. “My brother and I were on our way to the chapel with Parker. We stopped in front of the fountains at the Bellagio to take a selfie, and a rollerblader slammed into me, and my phone ended up on the bottom of the lake.”
Suzannah’s mouth dropped open, then snapped shut again, eyes narrowing.
She definitely didn’t believe him. And why should she? The story sounded ridiculous. He held open his hands. “I swear. Call up Parker and ask him. He still gives me grief about losing my phone.”
They stared at each other, silence deepening. On the one hand, Gunnar wanted to laugh, give into the giddy feeling that lurked around the edges of his heart. She hadn’t ditched him. On the other hand, the hurt, the outrage, squeezed the breath from him with its intensity. She, and his daughter, had been three hours away this whole time. His heart dropped to his toes. “Is that why… that’s why you never…” he couldn’t finish his thought. It hurt too much. It was his damn fault he didn’t know about Lulah.
She lifted a shoulder, head still bent. “You didn’t want anything to do with me, why would you want anything to do with a baby?”
Her words, and the abject defeat in her voice, pierced him like a poison arrow. “You know that’s the furthest thing from the truth.” He knelt next to her, tucking a stray lock behind her ear, using the tone of voice he usually reserved for scared horses. “I wanted nothing more than to make a family with you, ’Zannah.”
She sniffed. “I was so hurt. I didn’t, I didn’t…” She buried her face in her hands. “This is all such a mess.”
Indeed.
Four-and-a-half years of unnecessary heartache, all that time missed out with Lulah. Still, an ember of hope flared in his chest. He scrubbed a hand over his face, blowing out a long breath and pulling himself back into his chair. “What now? What now, Suzannah?”
She studied him, eyes wary, cheeks stained with tears. The air felt heavy, thick. At last, with a shrug, she shook her head. “I don’t know. I-I…” her voice caught, and she shut her eyes, steepling her fingers at the bridge of her nose.
A sick feeling swirled in the pit of his stomach. “Does she know about me?” The thought that Suzannah might have told their daughter she didn’t have a father, or worse, punched him in the gut.
She let out a deep sigh. “I… it’s complicated.”
“No shit, Sherlock.”
That, at least, earned him a wry smile. “You have a star. If you look at the Big Dipper, you’ll see a star in the center. That’s Lulah’s star, and she’s surrounded by the people who love her most.” Her voice began to tremble, and she blinked three times. “Me, you, and my two best friends – her aunties – Iris and Bailey.”
Gunnar swallowed down the lump of emotion that clogged his throat. He was less successful at blinking back the prickles in his eyes. When he spoke, his voice came out hoarse, not his own. “What have you told her?”
“That you love her, that you’re always watching over her, but that you can’t be with us right now.”
“So I’m dead,” he said flatly.
“No, no.” She reached over and grabbed his hand. “Not at all. I’d never lie to her like that.” Her voice held a note of reprimand.
“Because not telling her about me isn’t a lie?”
Her mouth flattened into a thin line. “Gunnar, she’s a baby. Children that age don’t have the capacity to think in abstracts. I’d always… I’d always thought–” She sighed heavily, shaking her head. She raised her eyes to meet his, a pained expression on her face. “It’s an answer she accepts right now, and leaves room for her to ask questions when she’s older. I’d never lie to her about what we shared, that she was conceived in love–”
“But you’d lie to her about my existence.”
“You don’t understand. You grew up wanted. Loved.”
“You never told me about your family,” he accused, bile surging up his throat. “You never told me anything.”
She had the grace to look guilty, but then a look of grim determination settled over her delicate features. “There was plenty you didn’t tell me either.”
Touché. “Because it wasn’t relevant to us,” he blustered, not caring that by saying that, he’d have to extend her the same grace.
“Exactly. And now it is.” Her eyes blazed. “My family is… difficu
lt. At best. I grew up in a house where I was expected to be perfect. Meek. Demure. I grew up in a house where love was a weapon, withheld to bring you into line. And let me tell you something,” she uttered with fierce conviction. “There is nothing, nothing worse, than going to bed at night feeling like a parent doesn’t love you. That you’re wasted space, a disappointment.” She glared at him, bristling with defiance. “And I will never let my child–”
“Our child.”
“I will never let our child go to bed with a broken heart. Ever.” Her tone of voice was all mama bear. “So, yes. I’ve kept things from Lulah, because she’s young, and it’s my job to protect all of her. Including her heart.”
“It should have been mine, too.”
Her eyes glistened. “Yes. Yes, it should have been. But I wasn’t about to let you reject her like you rejected me.”
The power of her words slammed into him with the force of a tractor-trailer. He bolted from the chair, gathering her into his arms, ignoring the shot of pain that shot up his injured arm. “Baby, I didn’t reject you, you have to know that. This whole situation is so messed up. If I’d known, I’d have been there for you every step of the way.”
She melted into him, but all too soon, she placed her hands on his chest and pushed. “The fact remains that you weren’t.”
“But I can be now, if you let me.” He didn’t know the first thing about being a father, about parenting, except what Maddie had told him earlier in the day, but if his brother and cousin could figure it out, then so could he.
The pained look returned to her face. “So much has happened. I’m not, I’m not sure how to do this. I mean, what if you decide this parenting business isn’t for you? You’re already so busy. How are you going to make time for a little girl who won’t understand if you can’t or won’t keep your promises?”
“I always keep my promises,” he growled.
She arched a brow, face filled with doubt.
“What happened between us was a miscommunication, not a lie.” How could he make her see? Make her trust him again? “Give me your hand.” He held out his right hand.
“What are–”
“Just give me your hand. Please?”
She narrowed her eyes as if peering into his soul. Just when he was about to drop his hand, she extended hers, lightly touching his palm. His fingers wrapped around hers, fully encasing her tiny hand. She tensed. Did she feel it too? The electric current arcing between them? He placed her hand on his chest, right over his heart. “Do you feel that?” His heart beat a little faster, thudding under her palm.
Eyes wide, she nodded.
“I promise so long as my heart keeps beating, that I will do right by my daughter. And by you.” He let that sink in before giving her hand a squeeze. “Do you believe me, ’Zannah?”
CHAPTER 10
Suzannah wanted to believe him. Wanted to with all her heart. But for four-and-a-half years, she’d built her life around the belief that he’d stood her up, hadn’t loved her like he said he did, and she’d done her best to pick up the broken pieces of her heart and move on. And now he was telling her it was all a big mistake? She couldn’t wrap her head around that, just yet. Beneath her palm, his heart thumped steady and strong. And the expression on his face, so earnest. Hopeful, even. “I’m not the same person I was.”
He nodded. “I know. I’m not either. But I want to be in your life, and Lulah’s too.”
“I-I want to believe you.” His whole body seemed to relax. “But I’m afraid to,” she whispered, heat flooding her chest.
His hand squeezed hers, and he dropped his head, shutting his eyes, brows knit together. “I understand.”
The resignation in his voice made her throat ache, but she couldn’t lie to him.
He raised his eyes, searching her face, and she met his gaze, unflinching. “Will you give me a chance to show you I’m serious? That I want to be a father? That you can count on me? We can learn to parent together, can’t we?”
If it had been any family she was advising in her capacity as a physician, she’d have urged a splitting couple to co-parent for the sake of their children. She could do no less with Lulah. “Yes, of course,” she murmured, pulse kicking up a notch when his hand squeezed hers again. The prospect of letting Gunnar into their lives terrified her. Even after all the hurt and the years, her body still responded to him like the pull of a magnet. And if she couldn’t resist the pull, resist him, what would happen to her heart if he left again? She locked the door on those uncomfortable questions. She would have to be stronger than that. If they were going to co-parent, she’d simply have to resist him. Period. “But we can’t…” she pulled her hands from his to gesture between them. “We can’t do this again.”
Gunnar cocked his head. She could have sworn she saw hurt flash in his eyes before he arched a brow. “That was all you, darlin’. I was just happy to oblige.”
She recoiled, stung. “You think that was some kind of a revenge fuck?” To be honest, she wasn’t sure what it had been. A release? For sure. Temporary insanity? Definitely. It wasn’t as if she’d wanted to fuck him as a punishment. That wasn’t her style. Actually, fucking with abandon wasn’t her style with anyone except Gunnar. And maybe that was the problem. There hadn’t been anyone since Gunnar. Not with her insane residency schedule and Lulah as fragile as she was. In the years since Lulah had been born, she’d been an automaton. Switching gears from doctor to mother and back to doctor again, losing any sense of herself as an individual in the process. And then Gunnar had popped back into her life. Six-plus feet of blonde gorgeousness wrapped up in perfectly sculpted, rock-solid muscles with a magnetism that triggered a chain reaction in her body.
“What I think doesn’t matter. But if you want to keep things strictly business, that’s fine by me.”
Yeah, she’d definitely pissed him off. His temporalis twitched as he clenched his jaw. “Fine,” she huffed, breathing going a little too shallow. “Fine,” she repeated for emphasis because she didn’t know what else to say. And she needed to say something to fill the awkward silence that had erupted between them. Because this? Staring down your ex-lover, your ex-love, and the father of your child after you’d just had full-on angry monkey sex less than twenty-four hours earlier in your exam room? Not awkward at all.
Gunnar spoke first, clearing his throat. “So what, now?”
The absurdity of it all, hit her with the force of a two-by-four. She huffed out a rueful laugh and picked up. “How about we finish that pie?”
Suzannah’s heart tripped in her chest. They were really doing this. How in the hell did she introduce Gunnar to Lulah? Without a doubt, Lulah would like him. Where most children who’d gone through the battery of tests and doctors and surgeries she had, tended to shy away from strangers, the opposite had happened with her. Her baby talked to everyone. But how would Lulah react to the reality of a father when the only one she knew was a star?
“Why don’t you stay for dinner?”
Gunnar smashed the remaining crumbs on his plate with the back of his fork. “Are you sure? I mean, of course, I’d love to.”
She let out another shaky laugh. “We have to start somewhere, dinner seems like a good place. I-I think you two need to get to know each other before… before–”
“Before we tell her?”
The look of disappointment on his face pierced her in the heart. She nodded slowly. “Can we go slowly? See how she responds? She’s not used to men in her life.”
He cocked his head, eyebrows high.
“Don’t act so surprised,” she snapped. “It’s not like I had time, or inclination.” She hated making that admission, but it was the truth. The doorbell sounded. Gunnar’s mouth turned up at the corner, and he looked ready to speak, but she beat him to it. “That’s probably Dylan and his mom.” Saved by the bell, literally.
Gunnar’s brows knit together. “Turner? Mom’s Addy?”
She nodded. “How do you…”
“She graduated in my class. Married a real chump, too.”
Of course, he’d know that. He’d lived in Prairie his whole life. He probably knew the history of every family in town. The doorbell chimed again. “Wait here. Let me try to prepare Lulah?”
He nodded, looking at once hopeful, and like he’d just swallowed a fish bone.
Suzannah hurried to the door. “Sorry to keep you. I’ve got company,” she said as she pulled open the door.
Addy gave her a knowing smile and cocked her head. “That Gunnar Hansen’s truck?”
Lord have mercy, people around here didn’t miss a thing. Such a far cry from Kansas City. Heat raced up her neck, and she could tell by Addy’s reaction her cheeks were flaming. What could she even say? It was sure to be all over town by the next morning that Gunnar had paid her a visit. “Sure is,” she answered breezily with a smile.
Addy gave her an expectant look, waiting for more information. Too damned bad. Let the town think whatever they wanted. He was just over for dinner and to meet his daughter for the first time. No big deal. Suzannah nearly giggled. Just in time, she swallowed the sound, instead, directing her attention to Lulah. “Did you say thank you?”
“Thank you,” she uttered, giving Dylan a squeeze.
“And thank you so much for taking them to the park so I could finish my paperwork.”
Addy smirked. “Anytime. I’m glad they’ve hit it off. See you soon.” She ushered Dylan down the stairs, then stopped and turned back, taking the steps by two. She spoke low, so no one else could hear. “I know you’re new here. But Gunnar… is a catch. I should have dated him when I had the chance.”
Oh dear. “I… there’s nothing…” she protested with a wave.
Addy rolled her eyes, shaking her head. “Look. Be good to him, ’kay? He’s one of the good guys.”
Suzannah pressed her hands to her flaming cheeks, trying to collect her scattered thoughts as Addy disappeared down the street with Dylan. “Lulah? Can you please go wash your hands?” she asked faintly. When Lulah returned, she scooped up her baby into a bearhug. “Have fun at the park?”