by Tessa Layne
The back of his legs burned, the ache to release building with each slow thrust. Another moment and they’d be launched into the stratosphere. She ground into him, breathing hot and heavy, moans mingling with her outbreath, until her eyes flew open wide, and she half gasped, half cried, as her pussy clenched around him, contracting with such intensity, he followed her over the cliff with a loud cry. Cries turned to laughter as joyous thrusts continued, both of them riding the ecstatic wave into nothingness. With a final thrust and groan, Gunnar dropped his head. Planting a kiss at Suzannah’s temple, then at the hollow in her neck, letting out a sigh of complete satisfaction.
She raised her head and nipped at his collarbone, then licked the hollow at the base of his neck, before dropping her head back to the ground. Neither of them spoke. The moment felt too holy, too sacred. As if some kind of sacred bond had been forged with the heat of their bodies.
Too soon, he rolled off her to dispose of the condom, but in the next breath, he was back, wrapping her into his arms as the night sounds settled over them like a blanket. A sliver of a moon continued its march toward the horizon. Suzannah rolled over, propping herself on an elbow. “Just so we’re clear. What does it mean to be my man?”
He had to smile. Leave it to her mind to catch hold of that phrase and define it. He shrugged. “Not dating other people?”
“No brainer.” A frown tugged at the corner of her mouth. “What else?”
His heart pounded. “I think we should move in together. Be a family.”
“Oh.”
Fuck. She sounded disappointed. He should have waited, given her more time to get used to the idea.
“But where would we live?”
A tendril of worry snaked through him. There was no way he could move into town. No way he’d consider it. Not with his responsibilities here. But he didn’t want to disappoint her either. “Here,” he said, drawing out the word. “Then ma and pops could help with Lulah. And my day starts pretty early. Four-thirty most days.”
“But what about my job?”
“It’s only twenty minutes.”
“You and Lulah could drive in together. Or, she could quit preschool and stay on the ranch, like we all did.”
“She’s not quitting Montessori,” Suzannah said sharply, sitting up and reaching for her clothes.
“Okay, okay. It was just an idea.”
“And what if there’s an emergency? I’m supposed to be on call. How can I be on call if I’m twenty minutes away?” Fuck. He hadn’t even thought of that. The board would have his head if she moved out to the ranch. The whole reason the Graces donated the bungalow across from the clinic was so that the doctor could be on call for emergencies. But there was no way he was moving into town. He couldn’t. Who would run the ranch?
Suzannah continued. “I think it would be a big adjustment for Lulah. She only just found out you’re her dad.”
Disappointment crashed through him. He’d bungled this in every possible way. She was right. It was too soon, and he hated that.
She dropped a hand to his shoulder. “I’m sorry Gunnar. Can we table that possibility until later? Maybe see how things go for a little bit? You could still come for dinner every night.”
This sucked. He felt like second runner-up at a beauty pageant. But the pragmatic part of him knew it made sense.
He assented, defeat settling over him like a wet blanket. “You should plan on Sunday dinners over here.”
“I’d like that. Very much. I think Lulah would like it too.”
Suzannah burrowed into his chest again and instinctively, his arms came around her. He would not give into despair. This was just a bump in the road. Okay, maybe a sinkhole. But they could figure it out, couldn’t they? She wouldn’t shut him out a second time, would she?
CHAPTER 18
Suzannah crept into Lulah’s bedroom, bathed in the soft glow of morning sunshine filtered through curtains. For a moment, her heart stopped, too full of joy and love. Her precious baby had made it to four. And so far, knock on wood, her heart valves seemed to be in good shape. Lulah’s blonde mop spread across her pillow, chubby cheeks soft as she cooed in her sleep. She couldn’t imagine loving Lulah more than she did right now.
Dropping to her knees beside the little bed, she drew a finger across her still baby-soft cheek. “Good morning Lulahbelle. Time to wake up. Do you know what today it?”
Her eyes fluttered open and she blinked the sleep away, slowly coming to. Suzannah nearly laughed outloud at the moment her brain woke up. The change in Lulah was instantaneous. A wide smile puffed out her cheeks. “It’s my birday.”
Suzannah didn’t think it was possible to be more in love with this child. Birday. Lulah still had trouble making some of her sounds. Not a cause for worry, yet. And in the meantime, it was so stinking cute. “That’s right. And how old are you today?”
“I’m FOUR.” Her voice rose in excitement.
“And do you remember what we’re going to do today?”
“We’re going out to my, to…” she hesitated, looking confused.
Suzannah’s heart twisted. She should have dealt with this a month ago, but she hadn’t been sure how to handle it, and she didn’t want to force anything on Lulah. “That’s right, we’re going out to Gunnar’s. To your daddy’s.” She took a fortifying breath. “Lulahbug, sweetie, it’s okay to call him daddy if you want. You can call him whatever you like.”
Lulah grew very solemn. “Dylan’s mommy and daddy don’t live together, but he still calls him Daddy.”
“I don’t think Gunnar would mind if you called him daddy.” She was pretty sure he’d be over the moon.
“Would that make him live with us?”
The question acted like a bomb. Suzannah froze, heart sinking. She’d been dreading this question more than any other. Simple answer. Lulah had asked a simple, understandable, four-year-old question. The worst thing she could do was over complicate it. Four-year-olds dealt with concrete realities, not abstract ones. “Do you want Gunnar – your daddy – to live with us?”
Lulah looked ready to cry as she nodded.
Gunnar would be thrilled. As it was, he spent most evenings with them, leaving after he’d helped put Lulah to bed. They’d become experts in sneaky sex, but he’d never spent the night. Often, he had to be in bed not long after Lulah, and she couldn’t justify asking him to stay at the bungalow when she refused to stay at the ranch. It didn’t seem fair to expect him to make all the sacrifices. Especially since he gave them so much already. She hadn’t had to cook dinner once since he’d re-entered their lives. As good a gift as any in her book.
Her paperwork had slid since Gunnar had taken up their evenings, and now most nights, she was up until two or three in the morning, sometimes later, working to stay on top of the massive amount of paperwork the clinic generated. It was exhausting, but she didn’t see how either of them could get off the merry-go-round they were riding.
“Aww, honey.” Suzannah gathered her sweet baby into her arms, heart pounding with trepidation. Life just became exponentially more complicated. “You love your daddy, don’t you?”
Lulah nodded into her shoulder.
“I think you should tell him that, because I know he loves you, too, bug. And in the meantime, I have a surprise for you.”
That seemed to put the sparkle back into her eyes. “Special breakfast?”
“Even better, c’mon.” She pulled Lulah into her arms and struggled to stand. “I think you grew overnight, I can hardly hold you anymore.” Suzannah knew that day was fast approaching, when Lulah would be too big to carry. And while she loved that her baby was strong and healthy enough, and big enough to stand on her own two feet, the prospect of no longer carrying her baby was bittersweet.
Lulah giggled and wiggled out of her embrace. “I’m a big girl, mama,” she said proudly, and ran out of the room, squealing with delight when she encountered the visitors waiting for her. Iris and Bailey had driven in this morning, and Ir
is was already at work in the kitchen making blueberry cardamom pancakes.
Bailey handed her a mimosa when she entered the kitchen. “Happy birthday, mama. You need to be celebrated, too. And pampered. Have a seat.”
Suzannah dropped into a chair, pushing a streamer out of the way. The aunties had pulled out all the stops, packing their car with streamers and balloons, party hats and pretty paper napkins. Suzannah loved them for it. Lulah stood at the stove, helping Iris. “Be careful,” she called out.
“I told you, I’m a big girl mommy.”
“Stop helicoptering, mama.” Iris giggled. “It’s not like I work with six and seven-year-olds every day.”
“You need to relax.” Bailey stared at her hard. “You’re working too much.”
Oh, no. Suzannah had been worried about this when they’d called to say they were coming. She lifted a shoulder, brushing off Bailey’s concern. “I’m a practice of one. I knew it would be long hours.” Not this long, though. She’d foolishly assumed they’d hired admin and billing help before she arrived. And she hadn’t expected her weekends on call to be so busy. Technically, the clinic was closed on the weekends, but she was on call for urgent care, and some Saturdays urgent care lasted all day. Fortunately, on those busy days, she’d been able to hire Ms. Annie or Ms. Ivy from the Montessori school to babysit Lulah at the last minute. But she’d always worried about what would happen if they both were busy.
Bailey scoffed. “This isn’t Northern Exposure. They can’t work you to the bone like this. It’s unethical.”
That got her hackles up. “We’re all doing the best we can out here, Bailes. I’ve never seen a community of people who work so hard. Half the ranchers here have second and third jobs. Most of the fire department is volunteer. Everyone pitches in to help out. I’m not going to turn my back on them when they need me.”
Bailey’s dark eyes flashed. “Fair enough. But they also need you to be healthy, too. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Your skin is sallow, you’ve got bags under your eyes, and you’ve easily lost ten pounds.”
“That’s just baby weight coming off.”
Bailey choked on her mimosa. “I call BS,” she said. “Your baby is four.”
Okay, so maybe she’d skipped too many meals, but she was used to powering through on adrenaline and coffee. It’s what all doctors did, right?
“Enough shop talk over there,” Iris called from the stove. “We’ve got one Birthday-Girl-Breakfast coming up. Miss Lulah? Will you carry the bacon to the table?”
“I don’t know how you manage to work your magic, Iris. This is heavenly.” In addition to blueberry cardamom pancakes with whipped cream, she’d made sweet potato fries sprinkled with cinnamon and cloves, and piles of bacon.
She smiled enigmatically. “My mother taught me well.”
Iris’s mother, Parvati, was the best cook Suzannah had ever met, and the woman could cook for a crowd like nobody’s business.
Suzannah raised her glass. “Well, lucky us.”
“Lucky Lulah,” Bailey chimed in. “Lulahbelle, do you know you have the best mommy in the world?”
“And the best daddy,” Lulah added.
Her heart sisters exchanged glances. Crap. Now was not the time to bring up Gunnar. “Yes, sweetie. And the best daddy.” She gave Iris and Bailey one of those not now looks. After breakfast came presents. In addition to books and art supplies, Bailey and Iris had found the cutest Batman tutu that sent Lulah over the moon. “Go put it on,” Suzannah encouraged, knowing that after she showed them what it looked like, Lulah would abandon them for make-believe in the living room, and they could talk.
As soon as they could hear Lulah playing pretend in the other room, Bailey poured another round of mimosas. The third degree was about to start. “So. I want details.”
“What’s really going on here, Suze?” added Iris, giving her the teacher look.
“Clearly our girl has been getting some,” Bailey waved her glass.
It was pointless to deny. Already the flush was creeping up her neck. “That obvious?” She gave them a sheepish smile.
“The hickie on your collarbone is a dead giveaway.”
“What?” she squealed, pulling up her pajama shirt. “Do you think Lulah saw?”
“I’d worry more about other people seeing,” said Iris, giggling uncontrollably.
“Ohmygod that’s so junior high.”
“Don’t worry, if you wear a regular tee-shirt or a collared shirt, no one will notice. Just no cleavage bearing V-necks, ’kay?” Bailey winked.
Like she wore those kinds of shirts anyway, not with her boobs. “Okay, okay, so we might be seeing where things go.”
“Does Lulah know?” Iris asked.
“That we’re sleeping together?” Suzannah shook her head. “No. Gunnar comes for dinner every night, and we go for Sunday dinner with his family.”
Bailey’s jaw dropped. “That’s it? That’s the extent of his relationship with her? Dinner?” She clamped her lips together, shaking her head. “Girl, you gotta think about the message you are sending your daughter.”
Suzannah’s belly tightened. “What do you mean?”
“Is he paying you child support?”
“What about helping with childcare?”
“Is he paying for groceries?”
“Or clothes?”
The questions came rapid-fire from both of them. She could hardly keep up. “He usually brings dinner, or cooks it. And yes, he stocks the fridge. I haven’t gone to the grocery store in weeks. And he keeps me in coffee.”
Iris rolled her eyes, looking straight at Bailey. “He keeps her in coffee.” Sarcasm dripped from her voice. “And–” She held up a hand to keep Suzannah from interrupting. “He’s got booty on call twenty-four-seven.”
Suzannah’s face burned. When they put it that way, he sounded awful. “It’s not like that,” she denied softly. “We both agreed–”
“Agreed on what?” Bailey snapped. “That you could be fuckbuddies? And that you’d bear the brunt of the parenting? You know you could sue him for four years of child support?”
“And help with your medical bills?” added Iris pointedly. “You cannot keep bearing the burden of raising Lulah by yourself. It’s not right.”
Hot tears pricked at her eyes. “But he loves her,” she said.
“Does he? Does he really?” Bailey’s tone of voice said he didn’t. “Because, I don’t know. If he really loved her, maybe he’d step it up a bit more.”
“It sounds like he likes the idea of being a parent more than the reality.”
Their words crushed her. They were so right. She’d built up in her mind that their relationship was fair. And that it worked. But looking at the situation through their eyes, she could see the message she was giving Lulah was that everything was on her, the mom. Dads just got to have fun.
Iris grabbed her hand. “Honey, don’t beat yourself up. You probably didn’t even realize you were doing it. I mean, look at your upbringing. You were raised believing a woman’s only role is to serve their husband.”
Suzannah sniffed loudly, unable to prevent a tear from leaking out the corner of her eye. “I thought I’d escaped all that. Honest.”
“You used your inheritance from Talulah to help with Lulah’s medical bills. That money was supposed to set you up in life. And because you don’t have it, now you’re here – working yourself nearly to death.”
“But I never would have reconnected with Gunnar had I not come here.”
“Ironic, isn’t it?” Bailey came around the table to give her a hug. “And I can see this is tearing you up. But you have got to look at this rationally. Financially.”
Iris nodded vigorously. “I’m with Bailey. If he wants the goodies, he needs to step up with the goods.”
“But it’s not like that. He asked us to move in with him, and I said no.”
Both their mouths dropped open. “Why?” asked Iris.
“Because it’s compl
icated,” snapped Suzannah. “He can’t leave the ranch, and I need to be close to the clinic.”
Her friends looked dubious.
“And Lulah. I didn’t think it was right for us to move in right away. Not when we’ve just gotten settled.” They’d feel differently once they met his family. She was sure of it. “Come to the ranch today. Meet his family. They’re good people. Gunnar’s parents, Martha and Eddie, dote on Lulah.”
Iris gave her the stink-eye. “But have they ever offered to help babysit?”
“Yes,” she answered a little too defensively. “Martha and Eddie have been fantastic. They came to take Lulah to breakfast last Saturday.”
“Oh whoop-de-doo.” Bailey swirled her finger in the air.
“Stop it. You don’t understand. Martha and Eddie still put a full day in on the ranch, Gunnar even more. Everyone’s got their hands full.” She understood her friends’ concern. She’d be equally protective if it were one of them. But they hadn’t seen Gunnar with Lulah, how he looked at her. More importantly, how he treated her like she was the most precious person on the planet.
“So how did they do it?”
“Raise kids?” Suzannah shrugged. “They didn’t go to preschool. They helped on the ranch from the time they were little until they started school, and then helped before and after. Pretty much every ranching family in the area does that.”
“So why not let Lulah spend a few days on the ranch?” Iris asked pointedly.
“No,” she answered vehemently. “No. Way.”
“So the real reason you’re working yourself to exhaustion isn’t because there aren’t people to help, it’s because you’re afraid to let Lulah out of your sight. Afraid the second you turn your back, something’s gonna happen.” Bailey’s words cracked her wide open. Right to her deepest darkest fears. “Isn’t it?”
Suzannah hung her head, heat prickling across her skull. She couldn’t think straight. Her insides were a jumble of confusion, exhaustion, and insecurity. She kept seeing Lulah as a tiny baby, hooked up to all the tubes and machines in the NICU. She couldn’t bear it if something happened to her baby, her life. Finally, she shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. I’m just so used to going it alone.”