I peeked over at James. What was he waiting for? Whatever it was he had to say was starting to make me nervous. What could be so bad that it was making sweat bead around his forehead and make his hand continuously twitch? He glanced down at me and sighed.
“I don’t know how to start.”
“Just tell me.”
“But I don’t even know how to begin.” He looked back down at the road.
“Usually the beginning is a good place.”
“I’m not sure where the beginning is. This isn’t my story to tell, but I told Captain Brown that I’d talk to you before he came back. Seeing as I’ve put it off for this long, I need to tell you.”
“Whatever it is, just tell me? You’re making me nervous.”
His gaze returned to me. “It’ll only get worse, I promise. But I need you to remember something.”
“What?” I hesitated. Where was he going with this?
“Please trust and believe me that everything I’m about to tell you is true. I would never lie to you. Do you understand that?”
I slowly nodded. This wasn’t going to go over well, whatever it was.
He looked up at the sky. “Here I go. I’ve told you before that Captain Brown’s wife died, right?”
“Yes. It was awhile ago, like ten years ago or something.”
“Nine actually. And you know that she had William, but what you didn’t know was that she had another child.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure what he meant. I hadn’t seen anyone else living in the house.
“It’s been rumored that that child died about eight years ago. The sorrow of losing the child is what actually killed his wife. At least, that was the story I’ve known for so long. It wasn’t until recently that the rumor mill started again saying that the child was actually alive. That started when people heard that Captain Brown was hiring Captain Taylor to search for her. He had been doing it in secret for years, but someone on Captain Taylor’s ship leaked the news and it got around. I was sent on the last trip, though Captain Brown had never requested me specifically before.”
“So did you find her?”
“I’m getting there, and this is a strange shift in topic, but what do you remember about your past?” He looked down at me.
“Well, I just remember being on my father’s ship.” I couldn’t see what he was getting at.
“About what age though?”
“My earliest memories are probably when I was eight, maybe nine.”
“That’s kind of late to be an earliest memory.” He slowed his walk. “You don’t remember when you were younger?”
I opened my mouth, about to tell him that I wasn’t going to tell him what I could actually remember when I had a sudden flash back to it, one that caused me to drop to the ground. I put my hand on my chest as James immediately dropped to his knees.
“What’s wrong?” he asked as he took my face in his hands.
I couldn’t breathe. This was exactly what I had been trying to avoid for the past ten years. In my flashback, I was in a dark building with brick walls. I felt dried blood on my face and all over my arms.
“Andrea!” James’ shout brought me back to the present. I was sitting on the road on the way back to Captain Brown’s house where I was staying.
“What is it?” he asked. His thumbs brushed my cheeks. I hadn’t realized I was crying.
“I… I can’t tell you what happened.”
“What do you mean? You just collapsed on the road. What’s wrong?”
I looked at him. “I can’t tell you what I remember before I was eight. I can’t tell you why I don’t let people touch me. I just can’t tell you!”
He leaned back. “Andrea, I was trying to tell you something else. I was in no way trying to trick you into telling me why you don’t let people touch you. It’s just, having an earliest memory at the age of eight is very strange.”
“Well, my earliest memory is a little before then, but don’t make me remember any more of it.” I put my head in my hands. I was getting my breath back, and I could feel my body start to calm down.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” He helped me to my feet. “Just stand here a moment. Can you do that?”
I nodded but kept my head in my hands. When I felt his hand on my shoulder, I looked at him. He motioned for me to go over to Buttercup. He knew I wasn’t able to walk the rest of the way to the house. And knowing that I couldn’t ride alone in this frame of mind, he had tied his horse to her saddle so he could ride with me. He helped me up before quickly mounting himself. I leaned back into him, still taking deep breaths with my eyes closed.
“I’m so sorry, Love,” James said again.
I shook my head. “Stop. I’ll be fine. Continue with what you were telling me earlier.”
I felt him shake his head. “I’ll tell you later.”
~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~
That night, I pulled back the blankets on my bed to try to distract myself from James. He was leaning against the doorframe, and I could feel his eyes watching me. I could even sense his disapproval, but I didn’t acknowledge it.
“Are you sure you don’t want me staying in here tonight?” he asked for at least the third time.
“I already said no.” I started to fuss with the pillows. I didn’t want to make eye contact.
“I know. It’s just, I guess I was getting used to it and then suddenly you change your mind, and I don’t understand.”
I sighed. “It has nothing to do with you. It’s completely me. And I need to ask you something else.”
“What?”
“When I start screaming tonight, don’t come in and wake me up.”
I heard him shift in the doorway and he came a little closer to me. “Why not?”
“I don’t want to hurt you when you try to wake me up.”
“How could you hurt me?” He stood right next to me.
“I don’t know. I just don’t want to take the chance in it.” I kept fussing with the pillows. I was doing anything to make sure he didn’t see how badly my hands were shaking.
“What is it, Love? There’s something you aren’t telling me and I know it has to do with whatever it was that happened on the road today.” He reached down and took my hands off the pillows. When he felt how badly they were shaking, he stepped closer so that he could hold them together against his chest.
I still couldn’t look him in the face when I said, “It does. I know the nightmares will change, and I don’t want to take the chance of hurting you because I know I’ll fight against you.”
He adjusted his hands so that he was holding both of mine in one of his. He reached his free hand toward my face and gently placed it on my cheek. His thumb slid under my chin and tilted it up ever so slightly so that I had to meet his gaze.
“I think I can take the risk. I’d be more than willing to.”
“I know. But I don’t want you to.”
He leaned his forehead against mine. “Let me stay in here at least.”
“No. I don’t want you asking me what I was dreaming about.”
“Who says I will?”
“Because when you see how bad it’ll be, you’ll want to know. If you think the dreams about my father getting killed are bad, then you’ve seen nothing compared to what these will do.”
“How do you know this?”
“Because unlike the ones about my father, I’ve had these before. I know that when I have a flashback like I did, these nightmares will start the moment I fall asleep.”
He slowly leaned back. “You’re going to make this very difficult aren’t you?”
“So long as you promise not to come in, I won’t lock the door.” I tried to smile, but it was so forced that he didn’t believe it for a moment.
“Please let me wake you up…”
I started shaking my head the moment he opened his mouth. “Don’t. Promise me you will not come into my room at all tonight.”
He looked at me c
losely, and after a few minutes he sighed. He leaned forward to brush his lips against my forehead as he said, “I promise.”
He left soon after that, and I was able to crawl into bed. I didn’t want to sleep, but I knew after my panic earlier that I would. I was exhausted as it was, but I tried to force myself to stay awake. I wasn’t very successful, and after a few minutes, I fell asleep.
The dreams came back just like I had predicted, and when I finally woke up the next morning, I had turned completely sideways with my head almost hanging off the side of the bed by the window. It took me several minutes to untangle myself from the sheets, which were damp with sweat. My throat was sore, so I knew I had screamed a good portion of the night. I could only imagine how James felt across the hall. There was no doubt that he had heard me all night but it was obvious that he respected my request not to come over and wake me. I slowly slipped out of bed and felt awfully sore. I knew I had to have been thrashing around because of where I woke up, but I didn’t expect to be in pain. I opened my door and saw that James’ was open. I slowly walked across the hall and silently slid inside. He was on top of the blankets but was lying on his back with his feet firmly planted on the floor. His hands were clasped together on his stomach and looked like they were white. I went over and carefully sat down next to him. His eyes were closed, but I knew he wasn’t sleeping. I diverted my gaze down to my hands and held them together as I waited for him to speak. I didn’t have to wait long.
“Don’t make me do that again.” His voice was low, and I finally heard anger in it. I wasn’t sure if it was meant for me or directed more at himself since he had agreed to not wake me up. He sat up and fixed me with a gaze that was full of hurt meant for me, and irritation directed toward himself. I had to look down at my hands again.
“Do you know what torture you put me through last night?” He leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. “I never thought you’d stop screaming. I was ready to break your door down in case you had locked it. But I had promised not to go into your room. Instead, I sat over here and could only imagine what you were dreaming about, knowing that whatever it was, you had gone through in your past, and it was so horrible that you can’t tell anyone about it.”
“I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure I had ever said those words before, but he was making me feel so guilty, and I knew I deserved it. I didn’t know what else to say.
“You barely have a voice, which I guess is no surprise given that you didn’t stop screaming until about twenty minutes ago.” I felt his eyes on me again, but I couldn’t look back. I could hear the confusion and the anxiousness in his voice when he asked again, “What happened?”
“I told you that I couldn’t tell you,” I whispered, as I closed my eyes tightly. I could feel the pain pulsing off of him.
“I need something here, Love. You can’t do this to me, not after last night. Give me something. I know that your reason for not letting people touch you has to do with whatever happened to you in your past. But I need something, Love. You have to tell me something.”
“The only thing I can tell you is that I was kidnapped when I was younger and that they did things to me. Is that enough?” I leaned forward, trying to get him to look at me now. “I can’t tell you any more. I just can’t.”
“You have a tendency to get kidnapped.” He lifted his head and turned it toward me. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to tell me what happened?”
“I’m not sure,” I replied honestly.
“It’s not healthy to hold something this big inside.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. I just can’t talk about it.”
He slid his arm around me so he could pull me into his chest. He kissed the top of my head before he said, “Well, we have time. I won’t rush you. But don’t make me sit over here and listen to you scream nonstop for hours anymore.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I didn’t want him in there when I was having those nightmares. These were different from the ones about my father. In the dreams about my father, I wasn’t fighting for my life. In those dreams, I wasn’t fighting against everyone near me. If I struggled against James in the dreams with my father, there was no doubt that I would fight against him while having these nightmares.
“I don’t want you in the room with me when I sleep anymore.”
“Then let me at least come over and wake you up. And who says that your dreams won’t change if you’re holding me while you sleep? Maybe you should try that.”
I was shaking my head before he finished. “I’m not risking it. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re doing more damage making me stay over here.” He moved his arm up on my shoulder. “Please let me at least sit with you tonight. If you start thrashing around, I’ll wake you up.”
“What if I don’t wake up?” I whispered. “What if I can’t?”
“Then I’ll do what I can to help you through the night. Let me do this, let me at least try.”
I sighed. I owed him. “Okay, we’ll try it.”
Chapter VIII
Against my better judgment, I let James sit on the bed next to me when I was ready to sleep that night. He was convinced that if I held him while I slept, the dreams would go away just like they had before. But since I couldn’t tell him about these dreams, I couldn’t explain to him how I knew it wouldn’t work. Instead, I told him to try to keep me awake. I knew putting it off wouldn’t solve anything, but I was willing to try about anything. After a few hours though, I couldn’t put it off. I was ready to sleep, and James had started to doze several times as well. When he put his arm around me, I reluctantly leaned against him. Within a matter of a few minutes, I was asleep.
The dream started out normally. I was in a dark room made of cold brick. I was standing in the middle of the room, not sure of where I was. I heard the door behind me open, but there was still no light as someone grabbed me from behind. I immediately started to struggle. My arms were tied in front of me, but I fought as hard as I could without any luck. I was struck across the face with something sharp. I cried out in pain, but continued to fight back. Someone started to drag me out of the room and down a dark hallway. There was a light at the end of the hallway, and the person was dragging me toward it. I heard screams all around me. A whip was smacking against human flesh. There was no other sound like it, and I knew that was where I was being dragged. Still fighting, panic boiling over and my breath coming in short bursts, I still wasn’t able to get out of this person’s arms. My hands were lifted above my head, and after a moment I felt the slap of the whips against my back.
I sat up in the bed with a scream still coming out of my mouth. Tears were streaming down my face, and I was gasping for breath. James was straddling my legs so that he was right over me. I closed my eyes as I burst into fresh tears. He pulled me to his chest while he made soothing sounds. No words came out of his mouth. He moved his hand in slow circles on my back but didn’t try to stop my tears. I kept crying from a combination of the dream and because I kept remembering how he had looked when I opened my eyes. One of his eyes was turning dark again. What I had feared had happened. I had attacked him while I was sleeping. I knew he had probably been trying to wake me up, or calm me down at least, and then didn’t get out of the way fast enough. But it was the fact that I had done it that kept me crying. When I didn’t stop or calm down in the normal time it took me, James started rocking me back and forth.
“You need to calm down, Love.” His voice was in my ear. “It was just a dream.”
I slowly sat back while I tried to stop the sobs, and I noticed the tears started to stop. I cautiously reached up to place my hand next to his eye. He tried not to flinch, but I still noticed.
“I’m so sorry.” Fresh, silent tears started down my face.
“The only reason this happened,” he pointed to his eye, “is because I unsuccessfully tried to hold your arms down. I was more afraid that you were going to hurt yourself.”
“So now
what do we do?” I looked down at my hands. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“I’ll stay in here until I can figure out what I can do to make these stop.” He put his hand under my chin and lifted my head to look at him. “I’m not giving up on you.”
Before I could say anything, we heard footsteps coming down the hall. Captain Brown had returned.
“James?” Captain Brown’s voice bounced off the walls.
James was up in an instant. He pushed me back down against the bed and placed a finger against my lips as he whispered, “Please pretend you’re asleep.”
I didn’t question him. I immediately closed my eyes and adjusted myself to look like I was still sleeping. I heard James open the door and close it, except it didn’t latch.
“Yes, Captain?” He was right outside.
“Oh. Why were you in there? And why is your eye black again?”
“She’s been having nightmares, some pretty bad ones.” I could hear James shift uncomfortably. “Did you just get back into town?”
“So you’ve told her then?” Captain Brown ignored his question.
I sat up, curious. What was it that he needed to tell me that everyone else seemed to know about?
“Not yet. Something else came up.”
“Well, you better do it very soon because things are going to get moving very quickly.”
“Sir, I don’t mean to question you, but why must I do it? Why can’t you tell her?”
“She wouldn’t believe me, James. She’s your age. You’re all she has right now. She’s bound to trust you. If she’ll believe anyone, it would be you.”
“Sir, she’s been through a lot, and she is finally starting to trust me. But I don’t think I can do it to her.”
“Look, James, I know you’ve become close with her-”
“I love her, Captain,” he interrupted.
The captain paused. When he spoke again, it was in a softer tone. “She has to know the truth. You know that.”
Forgotten Truths (The Forgotten Truths Series) Page 12